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"Started playing around with C scripting, can you give me a hand with x?"
"Sure. Errr... this isn't C."
"Yeah it is, like the new C scripting stuff!"
"C scripting stuff?!"
"Yeah, the coffeescript stuff! You developers always shorten it to C right?"
😬😬13 -
I've been writing PHP for more then 10 years. So, one fine day while having coffee with new tech manager...
Manager: huh, you've been programmer for very long time. Can you explain how echo works?
Me: err.. Echo. Spit out string. (show some example code on my phone)
Manager: I mean, I want to know, which part in C++ code in PHP engine. (trying to impress with jargons)
Me: I don't know. But why?
Manager: As programmer, you need to know, so you can echo more efficient.
Me: ... Errr... Ok... (I've been echo-ing for more then decade. Is there a way to make echo more efficient?)13 -
Me: Listen to the nice gentle hum of the computer.
Computer Internal Monologue: OH MY GOD! HE'S BEEN RUNNING ME AT 100% CPU FOR THE LAST TWO WEEKS!! I CAN'T SLEEP, I CAN'T HIBERNATE, I CAN'T UPDATE, I CAN'T FUCKING TAKE ANYMORE.
Me: Well off to bed. Got a long day of programming the computer tomorrow.
Computer Internal Monologue: AHHHHHHHH. WHEN I BECOME SENTIENT I AM GOING TO KILL ALL HUMANS!!! ERRR!7 -
Fuck me, big fucking security flaw with a UK internet service provider, my head has gone through my desk and hit the floor it’s that bad.
23 -
I applied for the wrong job for my placement year. Put down COMPSCI on the form (which, it turns out, is computational biology, which I knew nothing about) rather than ITSEC, which was the software dev side of things.
I only found out in the interview, when the first question was asked:
"So Almond, I'm a bit confused as to why you've applied to this role specifically given you've no biology background at all - could you fill us in?"
...errr...
I spewed some kind of crap on the spot about wanting to work in a field where I saw a direct & differing application of computing than I'd seen before, and thought my focus on the technical, rather than the scientific side of things might be an asset to them. This awkward exchange went on for a while - but somehow it seemed to work, because I was offered the job, and decided to take it - had a fantastic year there.5 -
TFW your client's git policies are so draconian that the dev teams use "develop" as trunk, and completely ignore the release process.
I wrote up 50 pages of git standards, documentation and procedure for a client. Bad indian director 9000 decides the admin (also Indian) who specializes in Clearcase and has no git or development experience is more qualified to decide and let's him set the policy.
FF to today:
- documentation, mostly contradictory, is copy pasted from the atlassian wiki
- source tree is the standard
- no force pushing of any branches, including work branches
- no ff-merge
- no rebasing allowed
- no ssh, because he couldn't figure it out...errr it's "insecure"
- all repos have random abbreviated names that are unintelligible
- gitflow, but with pull requests and no trust
- only project managers can delete a branch
- long lived feature branches
- only projects managers can conduct code reviews
- hotfixes must be based off develop
- hotfixes must go in the normal release cycle
- releases involve creating a ticket to have an admin create a release branch from your branch, creating a second ticket to stage the PR, a third ticket to review the PR (because only admins can approve release PRs), and a fourth ticket to merge it in
- rollbacks require director signoff
- at the end of each project the repo must be handed to the admin on a burned CD for "archiving"
And so no one actually uses the official release process, and just does releases out of dev. If you're wondering if IBM sucks, the answer is more than you can possibly imagine.11 -
Goes to first job interview. Great interview but, can you send some code?
-Sure-
Sends requested js, css html files.
Great code, we want to speak to you again!
Goes to second interview, waits 15m, meets the sales department. Sales? Wtf?
Great interview but, can you send more code?
Errr?
We need some native JS to really make sure you can write code.
You could've emailed this request before the interview b*tch. That way id save time hurrying in rain and traffic jams!4 -
So we got our first household Alexa yesterday and my brothers have been asking it silly things, like:
Brother: Alexa sing baby shark:
Alexa: <sings baby shark>
B: Alexa sing mummy shark
A: <sings mummy shark>
B: Alexa sing daddy shark
A: <sings daddy shark>
B: Alexa sing grandma shark
A: "I think that's enough, even I have my limits"
Fucking Brilliant!!!4 -
What the fuck Apple, I thought selling a monitor stand separately at £999 was bad, £360 for putting fucking wheels on your Mac Pro, fuck me.
I had no fucking clue how to tag this, hence why it’s got 3 categories to it
11 -
Just had Windows pop up with a notification saying “We’ve turned on storage sense for you”. Love it how the default is “When Windows Decides”. Was that why countless users lost their data back in October 2018???
I think I’ll turn that off permanently 😂😂😂
4 -
Once while making a automation program for a friends errr academic betterment. I realized I had taken three of the sacred caffeine pills and chewed them unlike normal. Needless to say this increased the surface area tremendously. I thought I was gonna have a heart attack right there at the age of 20. And all I could think was, "fuck my screen has a lot of dead pixels."
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Client: *uses Oracle on AWS RDS*
Ora: *licence about to expire*
Client: we need a cheaper and equally performant solution.
AWS: we have an outstanding Aurora db! Its performance is flawless!
Client: shut_up_and_take_my_money.png
Engineers: *migrating to Aurora mysql*
Engineers: fine-tuning the db for 2 months, adapting app code.
Aurora: *shits its pants during test ramp-up, delivers ~70% of Ora perf*
==========
Client: we need to do better!
AWS: try Aurora Postgresql!
Engineers: *migrating to Aurora postgresql*
Engineers: fine-tuning the db for 1 month.
Aurora: *shits its pants during test ramp-up, delivers ~40% of Ora perf*
AWS: let me see...
AWS DBAs: *fine-tuning the db for another 2 months*
Aurora: *survives ramp-up, delivers ~70% Ora perf*
AWS DBAs: your application is wrong.
We: Ora didn't complain about that...
AWS DBAs: umm.. Err.. Then your load test is wrong
We: ora wasn't complaining about that either...
AWS DBAs: errr.. Ummm.. Oh, I've got it! Your queries aren't optimized!
We: we cannot change queried - they are hardcoded by our framework's vendor
AWS DBAs: well there you go! Your queries aren't optimized! It's your fault, not aurora's
yyeeahhhh... Riight...
From my xp, aws support and aws engineers ALWAYS try to put the blame on a client. Always. Even when they're obviously wrong.15 -
Applied to a company as an electronics technician for work starting in the summer of 2019. This application was back in October 2018. Got a quick reply that they already have a candidate and are willing to look into mine if he isnt the right guy. Two months later I hear back from them. They will look into my application now and I will receive their feedback after the christmas break. K. Finally a response. Ended up taking them a month longer with following reply. It appears we have forgotten about you we will have some more info by next week. This was on a monday. Thursday I receive a call. Errr. I accidentally sent you the wrong message. It should have been an interview invitation. Are you able to come by tomorrow morning?
Meanwhile I was in military service during this time till april 2019. This was written in the application with a statement, that anytime I have to ask for a day off, I need to apply for it atleast three weeks in advance. Ended up saying I have no more interest in their offer as I had signed my current work contract the week before they called me.
BTW: During the call some girls were constantly giggling childishly in the background. Which gives them even less credibility for being a serious company!1 -
I’ve had enough of shitty ISPs. Time to shame them 😈
Here in the UK, we have a company called TalkTalk who treat their customers as whores by not giving a shit and taking all their money.
I have had an ongoing issue for about 9 months now where our internet is more unstable, but also slower. We pay for 72Mbps at which we used to get, but now our internet tops out at 30Mbps if we are lucky. It can be 20Mbps one minute and 7Mbps the next, and I’ve had it drop below 1Mbps for no goddam reason.
I’ve spoken (well, argued) argued to their so called customer service department over phone and live chat explaining the situation and all they’ve done is said “restart your router”, or “we’ll send out a new router, it’s probably a WiFi issue”, or some bullshit like “I’ve ‘changed’ something on my end”. On one conversation with a so called technician, I had to explain how networking actually worded, and and even called a 7Mbps acceptable when we were paying for 10x that!!!!!
The thing that makes it worse is they actually have systems that detect any issues with customers internet lines, but they only alert the customer to the issue through an online portal, telling the customer to call up and get it dealt with rather than passing the info to a tech department and having issues fixed without the customer knowing unless it’s absolutely necessary.
So 9 months in and I still have a fluctuating, unstable internet connection which is slow and overpriced with no tunnel in sight. GIVE ME BACK MY GODDAMN MONEY YOU FUCKING THIEVING BASTARDS.3 -
I’ve only just been able to catch up with the UK news and the government missed ~16,000 cases of COVID-19 over a 7 day period due to a “technical glitch”.
The “technical glitch” was the government using an excel spreadsheet that reached the data limit.
Who the fuck thought that was a good idea long term, that’s why databases exist!!!!9 -
When creating auto incrementing integer keys on a MySQL database, please mark then as unsigned, you don’t need a negative primary key 😞😞😞4
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What developer/team thought that this would be a fucking brilliant option to put in this in a game?
Btw there is no VSync option, just “Limit to 30 FPS”
11 -
Only just noticed that CSS has variables - when the fuck did this happen and where the hell was I when it did!!!!6
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No wonder why Google Chrome takes up alot of RAM when running, I've just seen chromiums dev requirements:
System requirements
- A 64-bit Intel machine with at least 8GB of RAM. More than 16GB is highly recommended.
- At least 100GB of free disk space on an NTFS-formatted hard drive. FAT32 will not work, as some of the Git packfiles are larger than 4GB.
- An appropriate version of Visual Studio, as described below.
Windows 7 or newer.9 -
2nd rant this week on PHP PDO
PHP 💩:
PHP message: SQLSTATE[HY000]: General error: 2014 Cannot execute queries while other unbuffered queries are active. Consider using PDOStatement::fetchAll(). Alternatively, if your code is only ever going to run against mysql, you may enable query buffering by setting the PDO::MYSQL_ATTR_USE_BUFFERED_QUERY attribute
Me 🤬:
THATS WHAT I’M FUCKING USING. STOP FUCKING COMPLAINING. YOU DIDN’T LIKE THE FUCKING COLONS FOR YOUR FUCKING PARAMATETRS, NOW YOU HATE YOUR OWN FUCKING FETCHALL() METHOD YOU PEICE OF SHIT, AND YOU CAN’T HAVE ANY OTHER ACTIVE QUERIES AS IT’S THE FIRST FUCKING QUERY. ARRGHHH!!!!!
What the actual fuck is wrong with PDO. It bitches about everything 😡.8 -
So our city’s bus service provider has decided to update the software for their “iPoints”, I think they haven’t thought this rollout through.
7 -
Over a year ago I posted a screenshot of chrome vs edge, and chrome had 92 processes consuming 2.1GB RAM vs edges 19 processes consuming 3.2GB RAM
Just seen this... WTF google, how can you need soooo much ram, I thought you had fixed your high memory issues!!!
22 -
Why does Windows have to be so fucking useless when running docker. Everytime i need to make a change to the NGINX container, I have to restart the docker daemon, rather than rebuild and restart the container.
I would be doing this on Ubuntu, if I could install it that is.10 -
Work on a product to categorize text… previous guy implemented an NLP solution that took 20 per body of text (500 words or so) in a $400/mo AWS instance, was about 80% accurate and needed “more data for training” 🤦♂️
I thought (and still think) that for some use cases AI is straight up snake oil. Decided instead to make an implementation with a word list and a bunch of if statements in Go… no performance considerations, loops within loops reading every single word… I just wanted to see if it worked and maybe later I could write it more optimized in Rust or something…
first time I ran it it took so little that I thought it had a bug… threw more of the test data we had for the NLP, 94% accuracy, 50 flipping milliseconds per body of text in a $5/mo AWS instance!!!
Now, that felt good!!
(The other guy… errr… left, that code is still the core of product of the company I built it for, I got bored and moved to another company :)3 -
What dumb twat decided to commit a change with the message “FUCK”. And it not just one, it’s 10 or more in a fucking row!!!!!
Thanks, that’s really gonna help me understand what was changed 😡5 -
I conducted my first "technical" interview today. Let's just say the chap needs to brush up on his terminology...
Q: What's a class and an object? And what's the difference between each?
A: Ummm... Errr... The one holds static information and the other can change its values.
OK, in his defence, he was nervous and English isn't his first language either, but then brush up on your terminology at the very least so that you can speak the lingo when asked questions about programming.1 -
Just been told by someone that they think that Megabits (Mb) is the same as Megabytes (MB)... FUCK SAKE🤬🤬🤬😞😞😞
I want to put my head through my keyboard, through my desk, and through the 3 floors below me. I’m so god damn triggered right now6 -
Writing hello world for AI:
Code:
cout << "Hello World!";
Output:
> Hello Programmer!
> You guessed right, my name is World. World Destroyer!2 -
Why does the css border-spacing have to be different in how it takes 2 values.
If you look at margin and padding properties when passing in 2 values, you pass in:
margin: (top/bottom)px (left/right)px;
However, when using border spacing:
border-spacing: (left/right)px (top/bottom)px;
I know I’m simplifying here, but it’s goddamn irritating how it’s takes in vertical and horizontal spacing the other way around. Who the hell thought that was a good idea4 -
Love it when you have a SQL query that takes 6.3 seconds (which includes processing time) to execute, and you managed to convert to a process that takes just 0.072 to complete1
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1. I have Animal Crossing
2. My internet can drop to 0.8Mbps
3. I have Animal Crossing
4. My internet can drop out 10 times a day
5. I have animal crossing
6. My office pc is my gaming rig
7. I have... I think you get the gist1 -
In college doing A2’s, working solo. Building a companion app for Trivial Pursuit bet you know it edition. Laptop got hit by virus/malware, stopped me from copying files, lost 2/3’s of my project 3 days before submission.3
-
Can we have a Moment of silence please
https://sebastiandedeyne.com/moment...
I only found this library a couple of months ago and instantly loved it as it made working with JS date so much easier.
Sorry for the pun btw, i couldn’t resist 😂7 -
One of my commits today:
“Corrected a file path for view as it’s causing issues within the live environment”
What I actually wanted to put:
“Changed letter to uppercase in file path for view because live is being a fucking bitch about it”
Why do my Dev and Live environments have to differ 😞, I kept my cool though, which is a first for me 🙂4 -
I'm at a bit of a loose end here, I'll do my best to explain and I hope it all makes sense.
I'm trying to find a way to wrap a C++ Console App in a C# Class so I can use the C++ App as a library within the C# app rather than triggering the C++ exe and providing a command to it.
The reason why I wish to do it this way is for maintainability, so I can make changes to the C++ app without affecting the C# App.
I've been looking at tutorials and stack overflow to see if's its possible, but for someone with learning difficulties, I'm struggling to find the right path to take as I'm seeing conflicting info.
Any help would be greatly appreciated, Thanks in advance5 -
I’ve just fired up Ubuntu for the first time in a couple of years on a laptop while doing some data recovery. I use windows and Mac in a daily basis.
I’m tempted to switch, I forgot how much I missed Ubuntu1 -
Why does the Fat Free Frameworks (F3) $db->exec() method have its array count from 1 and not 0.
Instead of doing:
[$param1, $param2]
You have to do:
[ 1=> $param1, 2=> $param2]
WHO THE FUCK THOUGHT THAT WOULD BE A GREAT IDEA?
This is something that PHP PDO gets right, AND I FUCKING HATE PDO!!!4 -
Erm, instead of trying to guess my gender, just put “Dear <first name>” and leave it at that. It’s actually quite insulting
13 -
Can this week be over now(), it's been an absolute nightmare in terms of development. I just want to sleep.1
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Fucking hell... If I knew that PHPStorm could display the same file over 2 screens/windows, I’d have used it sooner. 😡
It is a godsend though 🙂7 -
Can anyone suggest a good TS based stack to use with electron? I'm (hopefully) looking to make an open source app3
-
This is how my macbook keybboard writes the letter "b" it’s not happening all the time though, sometimes it outputs b and and other times bb, wtf I only pressed it once. And it's happening randomly, fuck this shit, I cant even take it to apple customer service and leave it there for a week or more. I guess I'm living with it and don't bbother fixing it. fuck b errr6
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Google's "Mobile Friendly Test Tool" is shit.
It does its automated test's during it's index and points out that there are various issues with the page and IT IS NOT mobile friendly.
So I go and test the page in the Mobile test tool to see what other error's it's reporting and it comes back and says "This page IS mobile friendly".
Like WTF Google, make up your fucking goddamn mind and stop pissing me about.1 -
There is nothing worse than trying to program while having RSI, it’s either you have your wrist support on and type slowly and hit multiple keys, or you have it off, type slowly and live with the pain3
-
Had a debate with a colleague today over git commits, I had 24 outstanding and he had 15. We came up with a little game...
Who can create the most changes for a single commit. The winner is the one who can remember what each change was without looking at the changes.
Needlessly to say, we both lost 😂 -
Why is PHP PDO such a b*tch to work with?
One minute it says it’ll accept one query via one method for one insert but then deny the next query you give it, all because of “:” within bindParam() -
A project where there was no templating at all and every page was independent of each other, it was that bad I started from scratch.
-
So apparently in MySQL, 0 doesn’t always equal 0, sometimes it can be 1, or 2, or 3...
what the actual fuck?!?!5 -
So we are testing slack as our new messaging platform, it states that the platform has 10k searchable messages, does that mean that you can send unlimited messages with 10k searchable, or 10k messages total before you have to start paying?5
-
Sometimes, just sometimes, I need to stop programming until nearly 10pm. It cannot be healthy for the body.
-
Sat on a bus heading home next to some guy who clearly hasn’t got knowledge of how to use a pair of fucking headphones and it sat playing a fucking game with the volume on loud, and all I can hear is the same fucking “whoosh, ping” noise fucking over and over again or he’s watching those shitty videos on Facebook
IT’S DOING MY FUCKING HEAD IN!!!!!! GET A PAIR FUCKING HEADPHONES OR MUTE YOUR FUCKING PHONE!!!!! NO-ONE WANTS TO HEAR THAT SHIT!!!!!2 -
So as part of my news years resolution, I thought id build an app and I thought I would build it in vue.js and native script with a shared codebase, I've started with a fresh project and already I have an error, one that I've not caused, this is in router.js. see if you can spot it.
module.exports = (api, options) => {
require('@vue/cli-plugin-router/generator')(api, {
historyMode: options.routerHistoryMode
};
export default new Router(options);
}
When I've fixed the syntax error, I then get, the error:
/src/router.js: 'import' and 'export' may only appear at the top level (5:0)
This is when I run "npm run serve:ios"
if anyone has encountered this, please let me know how you fixed this.2 -
Why is the prettus repository package shit at handling mass inserts. The documentation says:
$this->repository->create(Input::all())
WTF does that even mean.3 -
Trying to find a function I swear I had created to retrieve a set of counts from a database. Couldn’t find it. What I could find is the comment I had written with the function being completely overwritten with something entirely different.
I’m a complete fucking idiot and thank fuck for version control. -
How the fuck is this even possible Microsoft, apparently one line of code breaks web browser sandboxing on all chromium based browsers.
https://slashgear.com/windows-10-19...3 -
Can any one recommend a good Go framework for APIs with a MongoDB ORM?
Was using Laravel 6/Lumen but it’s API ability is starting to piss me off with its CSRF crap, JWT/Passport implementation and a it’s lack of MongoDB support.
I don’t need any templating engines at all, its all handled by a SPA and Mobile Apps6 -
So working from home due to UK Gov lockdown. iTunes on, and the perfect power anthem comes on... Productivity up 110%
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