"I was wondering why Monitors sleep and Keyboards don't.

Then it occurred to me that Keyboards have two SHIFTS. 😆😆" -some guy

It was between me and another guy.

I fucking won!

I GOT THE FUCKING JOB!!

I'll be a junior Linux Support Engineer in a week or so!

OMG OMG YAYAYAYAYAY

Story of an IT guy 🔫

This shit is real.

Guy comes to my desk.
Guy: Do you know Python?
Me: Yes
Guy: I want a program that reads a CSV containing IP addresses and tells which of them are valid.
Me: Sure thing. Show me the CSV file.
Guy: (Shows the file)
Me: (Writes a small function for checking whether the IP is valid)
Me: Done Here you go.
Guy: You should be using regex.
Me: Why? This is perfect. No need for regex.
Guy: My manager wants a solution using regex only.
Me: Why so?
Guy: I don't know. Can you do it using regex?
Me: Only if you say so. (Stackoverflow. Writes a humongous regex). Done!
Me: Just for curiosity, what is your application?
Guy: I will port it in Java. You see, regex is easy to debug.
Me: Ohhh Yes. I forgot that. Good luck with your regex.

*In a team meeting*

Me: *happily jotting down notes in markdown*

Other guy: "Dude what are you doing? Pay attention."
Me: "Umm... I'm taking notes?"
Other guy: "But why does your MS Word have black background?"
Me (a bit lost): "Umm... That's not Word. That's my text editor."
Other guy: "Alright... But how do you convert your notes into Word then?"
Me: "... I don't."
Other guy: *stares at me*
Me: * stare back*

It was a nice conversation.

Ranted about this guy yesterday (who didn't get that we weren't hosting his server).

Today my colleague picked up the phone and was like "yo, I've got this guy on the phone asking for you *explains who it is*"
Me: Oh FOR FUCKS SAKE. FUCKING FINE, PUT HIM THROUGH 😡
Guy: hey! I just wanted to let you know that the issue has been solved, it was not on your end.
Although I know I'm not required to do this, I want to apologize personally for the behavior of my it guy. It wasn't okay and if you got any stress or whatsoever due to him, again, my sincerest apologies! I've had a talk with him, it won't happen again. Have a great weekend!

Glad those kinda people still exist!

Conversation today...

Guy: "Hey I need a real quick script to pull some values out of an XML document...is that possible?"

Me: "Uh...yeah that's pretty simple if that's all it has to do."

Guy: "Ok excellent I'll send you some files and documentation."

Me: "Ok so is this like a one time use thing or do you need to parse multiple of these?"

Guy: "Actually it needs to run all the time, on this specific PC, watch directories for any files that are added, then generate a XLSX files of the values, and also log information to a database. Etc"

Me: "Oh that adds quite a bit of complexity from what you originally said. It's going to take more time."

Guy: "But you said it was easy."

Well fuck you...

There's this guy that sits next to me in a class.

Guy: Hey, you're a hacker right?
Me: I'm a programmer.
Guy: Can you hack into my email account?
Me: Nope, I work in a different field of computer science.

In reality, I want to give him a piece of my mind.

I already know his email so I open up the login page and enter it. I click "forgot password", and it asks for his favorite teacher's name. Keep in mind that he made this account this year.

Me: So anyways, who's your favorite teacher?
Guy: *proceeds to give me favorite teacher's name*
Me: 🤦‍♂️

I change his password and log into his account. After that, I show him and tell him about how he should keep his account secure.

He left class with a priceless look on his face.

Rule 34 ½: For every programming problem, there is already related XKCD, StackOverflow question and indian guy explaining it on YouTube. <3

This one guy wanted a website to sell illegal drugs or something. Oh and he only offered $20 for it. Obviously I didn't take it.

There was another guy who wanted a calculator in Python. I'm not sure why, but I think he was a student who wanted someone to do his homework. He offered $250 so I took it. Once it was done, he didn't pay and blocked me.

I quit freelancing about two months ago or something since I was sick of it. Most clients are disrespectful.

The "startup idea"-guy starterpack ... "I just need some one to code it."

This made my day.
This really makes me wanna go back on Twitter just to follow the guy who posted it.

This guy doesn't know but he saved so many IT students lives.

Thanks Bro

Is it just me, or does this emoticon look like a guy giving some serious middle fingers with Michael Jackson gloves?

Guy: I don't understand how people could actually learn or work as programmers.. It's so boring.

Me: have you ever programmed before?

Guy: yes

Me: what language?

Guy: matlab

I punched him in the face and kicked him in the balls. Actually just I thought about it. Maybe 3 hours later.

Guy: you said you were a software developer right?
Me: Yes
Guy: Do you know how to reset my phone?
Me: You do know a reset will wipe out all contacts.
Guy: Yes
Me: What phone do you have?
Guy: iphone
Me: (looks it up on google and shows him it)
Guy: is that a special app?
Me: its google
Guy: oh

I swear this was tuesday night and i was the one out of us that was drinking

Some guy just called it "Jithub"

Never heard of that before

Wife : Lets try some other position tonight.

IT support guy : raise a ticket for change request

The IT guy 😂

The website i made has been hacked today.

Stored in their server.

They didnt give me an access for it.

The user account in the cms i used for updating content while building the website was revoked when the website is completed.

Now they ask me for the latest backup.

I have no backup because how the hell i do a backup when i got no access to the cpanel.

The only backup is the zip file for initial uploading into their server and the contents were added after the website is on their server.

That goddamn IT guy who wont give me any access for “securty sake” is calling me furiously asking for the backup and how to set up the stuffs from the beginning.

I thought he was the one who know his shit but i was wrong.

Fuck me?

No.

Fuck you.

But i still responding to him telling him step by step how to do shit with some swearing and sarcasm.

ALWAYS BACKUP YOUR SHITS, MATE

FOR FUCK SAKE...

The same fucking guy that said Java and JavaScript is the same thing tried inserting RAM into the PCIe slot twice! It doesn't even look like it will fit at first sight.

Pc wouldn't boot. Went to the service center.
The guy at the shop : what's the problem?
Me : pc won't boot, just starts beeping
The guy : I see. It could be a hardware or a software problem.
Me : (trying to keep a straight face) oh?
Him : oh yes... It's always either a software or a hardware problem.
Me : thanks I guess?

im a programmer.

Moms : Son, please fix my phone
Me : what the...
Moms : Cmon ur the IT guy right?

Dad : My laptop must be broken, can u fix it ?
Me : i can't..
Dad : ur degree is useless
Me : ....

Friend : hi, ur the IT guy right ? can u help me ?
Me : Sure ...
Friend : please hack my BF facebook account..
Me : *face Palm.

Me when I go the IT guy for the 7th time, asking for yet another software installation, because I can't install my own stuff on work laptops.

Developer: Can you upgrade my machine to Windows 10? I need it for SQL server 2019.

IT Guy: Sure.

Some time later...

IT Guy: Good news, Windows 10 is loaded. Bad news, I need to update TPM to enable Bitlocker but the firewall is blocking me from downloading the update. I will need to download it from home tonight.

Developer: But you're the IT administrator...

IT Guy: Yes...

Developer: ...

IT guy

I once had a co-worker (QA guy) who had the worst smelling breath of anyone's I ever smelled. He was a nice guy but it was kind of weird/irritating how bad it smelled. One day someone confronted him about it, and he said that it was garlic since he apparently constantly chewed on garlic. I guess it was just some odd habit and he didn't care he was grossing everyone out haha.

Me: I'm unable to connect through VPN

IT guy at my office: I'll format your system and reinstall OS

Me: heck no!! There should be other effective solution.

IT guy: Yes, I can take backup of your files and then reinstall OS.

Me: Just get out!! F*ckin ididot!!

Good guy @dfox,
When he sees a good rant without upvotes, he upvotes it.
We need more like @dfox.
Be like @dfox :)

My sister in law got me this guy for Christmas after I told her about devrant!

She found it in a rubber duck shop in Amsterdam.

Best sister in law!

Only on Thanksgiving

Seen on a lottery commercial:

Guy 1: That can't be right check it again.
Guy 2: Computers can't be wrong, they're programmed that way!

To the guy who said that java is the best programming language. Sorry if it has been posted before.

More devices doesnt mean you can complete your job in 1 day...

this guy recursively FUCKED his computer with 1 weird trick. microsoft it HATES him

Dammit, I can't even describe how much I hate when I'm researching to fix a problem, find a forum/question and the guy answering it makes a post saying "Forget about it, solved it" but doesn't say how.

Saw a video of an interview on Cloud Computing...
That genius guy says: "Cloud computing is highly risky. Because if it rains, all the data will be lost."

I sometimes look at the code of the guy who had my job before me and I think.

Delete it.
Delete it all.
Delete it with fire.
Use the developer as kindling so it never happens again.

This little guy came and went in between my arm and my belly. He must be having a rough day. Just kinda glad I can make it better :)

I made a setting that hides your messages in a group chat. The UX guy said it would "cut down noise" to only see what others are saying.

I would like to tell you that I did this thing at gunpoint, but the truth is I did it out of malice. Sweet, sweet malice.

When the community reacted with the expected, uh, reaction... the UX guy got all the credit he deserved.

Sweet, sweet malice.

Other guy: Hello! I need your help! I don't have my password for my gmail ! Help!

Me: Okay, ... (proceed to guide him where to recover the passwords), Now enter you email in.

Other guy: Well i don't remember it either, Help me get my email.

Me: ...

Fml

In few hours I was with client showing his website after long time coding and designing.

Client: I think this is it, here your final $$

Me: Me thanks sir and bye

A guy came in.

Client: Oh! Wait, this guy is our it expert let see if he have any advise.

Me: Oops! Okay

Guy: So this website will showcase our products

Me: Yes,

Guy: What about security because I just got news that Russian hacked one big company.

Me: I don’t think Russian have time to hack your one page website

Out of the door...

This happened just a few meters of me.

IT Guy: What happened sir?
IT Manager: WTF does the variable a4g646g54a6g54a65g654ag546a654g56a?

~awkward silence~

Still curious.

This guy brought a vibrator at work and secretly showed it to everyone.

When the IT guy tells you that your pc needs more RAM and you think "I can hendle this!"

*girl in office call IT guy*
Girl: my computer isn't working
Guy: what happened?
Girl: screen is blank.. nothing on it
Guy: ok... I'll replace the monitor (starts unplugging)
Girl: wait.. wait.... I didn't took backup yet..
Guy: *face plam*

Life of an IT guy

1.Born
2.Shall I share my screen?. Are you able to see my screen?
3.Death

Fighting an IT guy is lot like fighting a pig in mud. After some time you realise pig likes the mud.

What would you do in this situation?

Dude, stop trying to cram your crappy open source library into all our projects. No-one uses it, it's buggy as hell, and even if it did work properly, it adds virtually zero advantages.

Seriously, if you Google this library, the results are: a blog post this guy has written about it saying it's awesome, the same guy answering people's questions on Reddit by saying that all their problems would be solved by using his library, and someone else raising an issue saying it doesn't work 🤦‍♀️

Worst part of being a "IT guy":

Don't know how to fix my broken car

Guy: We should build a Blockchain based review website.
Me: Why does it have to use a Blockchain?
Guy: That way we can verify that only real people are leaving reviews and not bots.
Me: That's not really how Blockchains work.
Guy: Blockchain!

Easily this guy.

Fun fact: I was following him on Quora and YouTube for what must have been a year until I realised it was the same person.

So my girlfriend decided to surprise me with this cake... I'm happy with it but I feel violated as I'm PHP guy not .NET

1) no more "can you fix my printer?"

2) no more "but you're the IT guy!"

3) no more "can you fix my printer?"

"OOP is just a trend." - My first year internship technical manager. It happened 6 years ago, the guy retired soon after.

A friend called ITIS guys about some network issue on his system.
Frnd : Hi, I'm facing some security policy issues on my system. Could you help me connect?
ITIS guy: Ok. Please run 'gpupdate /force' cmd from cmdpromt.
Frnd: Well actually I'm on Linux.
ITIS guy: Well, at least give it a try and tell me how it goes.

*Facepalm*? *Bodypalm*? Murder?

Day 1:

Me: 'Hi'

Middleware guy: 'Raise a Jira. We have always been so accommodating. Contact your manager.'

*Jeez*

===

Day 2:

Me: 'Could you please start the server in dev environment? I am a new joiner. I don't have access. Here is a jira.'

Middleware guy: 'Deadlines may be for you. It is not for me. Wait until tomorrow.'

*Damn, did he get a divorce recently?*

===

Day 5: *An urgent delivery asap* 'Hi, could you please do the configuration of the new app in staging?'

Middleware guy: 'So, here is the split up...
Task 1
Task 2
Task 3
Task 4
Task 5 & 6
Your app will be configured by tomorrow first half hopefully.. Oh and you can escalate if it is too late..
'
*What a b...*

===

Day 8:

Me: *Doing late sit for pushing a task* 'Hi, we have an issue. The server is not starting. Could it be due to..'

MW guy in 'second' shift: 'Oh, we don't extend support on unusual hours'

Me: 'But this is second shift.'

MW guy: 'Yeah, but I have to go home early now...'

====

Day 10:

Team Lead: 'Any innovative solutions?'

Me: 'Let's go SERVERLESS!' :D

Best co-workers? Umm, does Google and stackoverflow count?
Coz I am sole IT guy in my company....

My dear diary,

Today, the guy that convinced the boss to completely replace our functional CMS website (marketing used to update it) with a static one he was writing from scratch in PHP + jQuery, has published our MailChimp Api Key on StackOverflow, because he couldn't make the API to work.

Boss didn't complain, but I don't think he understood what happened. Just asked the guy for not doing that again.

It was a crazy day.

Favorite co-worker conversations:

Guy 1: PHP can be plenty fast! Just put in APC, Memcached, and Varnish and you can handle just about any load.

Guy 2: So you're saying PHP is fast when it doesn't run.

'your good with computers right'?

Me: I work with one every day so I guess...

Can you fix a problem I have with my pc? (relatively old man, and I feel bad for him so I agreed)

Next day he had me fix 4 laptops (from his kids) and a Macbook of his own almost all had shady malware and were WAY behind of their windows updates... Like sub wannacry level...

Rip one of day of my vacation 😠

Currently on the train to work:
*Guy pulls out his laptop

Me: *Oh nice. Dell laptop. Oh wait, shoot, that’s a Dell XPS 15. 😎Sweet!! Looks super clean. Get it boss, I salute you. Anyway, it’s probably running Windows 10 as expected. It’d be super cool if it run Ubuntu though.

*Guy lifts laptop lid.

Me: *Ahh, look how clean it is too. No fingerprints or smudges on the screen or keyboard. That’s my style. I like this guy. We can definitely share laptops.

*Guy powers on laptop

Me:*Woooooohooooo, no way!!! Gets a little tear of joy in my eyes. I want to hug this guy. This guy rocks. Oh mann, I want to start a conversation with him but can’t because another passenger is standing between us.

*The laptop run Ubuntu! 😍😱😁

If you're an InfoSec guy , you'll get it 😂

While live streaming Google pixel launch, every time the guy on stage say Ok Google my phone triggered it 😁😁😁

During code review:

Guy (also the same guy who pushes code without making unit tests): "Hey, this thing you added is unnecessary. Remove it."
Me: "Have you read the rest of the changes? It isn't unnecessary."
Guy: "Not yet"

*Working on a personal project*
Random guy:- it sucks :|
Me :- idgaf about what you think ..So please f off -__-

*Paid project*
Client :- what's this? This is ridiculous..I don't like it at all
Me:- okay , I'll do something about it .

-__- money changes everything

*family dictionary*
Software developer (noun) : IT guy.

Individual who will know every issue you have with any electronic device in your house. He'll fix it.

"Okay sales guy, please keep in mind, this is just a PoC. Do not sell it yet." ...and it is sold.

Nah, we leave it to the next guy and start making more babies.

A guy asked me to develop an uber-like app... he offered me 1000 bucks to do it

First time my laptop acted as a CV.

I've been in a personal project with my pal for like a three months. We meet sometimes at a cafe which is a very nice workplace, we often see more people with laptops, so we are not the only ones that thinks so.

My pal was waiting for me, he got a table early and then I arrived. there was a guy nearby us.

Me: (this guy has a newest new macbook pro, fucking riche)

-- I sit, put my laptop and start to work with my pal --

The guy starts looking at my stickers without hiding his doing at all. I noticed that instantly

Me: (Crap, he's gonna ask something :( )

-- I kept discussing stuff with my pal for like 5 minutes and then it happened. the guy stands up and... --

Guy: hey! how are you? sorry for bother, are you perhaps developers? I'm asking because I saw your stickers

Me: mmm yes

Guy: Do you have a job currently?

Me: We are in a project (No need to mention this is personal project and I got my full time job)

Guy: Oh, ok, no problem, you see I got a company, and currently we are looking for people to work with us, we want frontend developers with javascript skills preferable, but anything is welcome. Interviews starts next week, so if you are interested or know someone that could be, I'll give you my card and please write me at my mail if anything.

Me: got it, no problem.

-- I tried my best to hide my displeasure face(but I think I showed it a little), for him to being a riche with a new macbook pro, and you know, the interruption, I wanted to be focused while working in da project --

-- I got the card, I read it a bit, didn't dig into too much, there was stuff to do at the moment. the guy already returned to his chair and my friend --

Pal: Excuse me Mr Guy, what's the job tittle?

Me: (FUCK! dude!, we're working in our shit, don't give him more reason to try to scout us. we are behind the schedule and I need to explain this shit to you FFS)

Guy: Oh yes, will be frontend developer(again), but if you are a full stack that will be a plus too, we got some stuff with angular 1.x(ugh), and sencha touch(ugh) and ...(don't remember what else was it)

Pal: Ok and the job is full time in site? or are you open to work remotely

Me: (ok man, you sound interested, that makes me look interested too >:( )

Guy: preferable in site, but we would consider remotely depending on the person.

Pal: Good! thank you very much Mr. X

Guy: cool

-- Later on, like two hours, my friend goes to the counter for more coffee --

-- I text him: dude, I feel the guy will kidnap me or something --
-- then the guy start looking again at my laptop and... ---

Guy: hey! Jhon was your name right? Do you have experience with devops? I see your aws stickers

Me: yes

Guy: do you have experience with microservices?

Me: yes, a bit with lambda, also I've done some stuff with kubernetes, opsworks, rds and whatnot. no biggie

Guy: oh cool! we have a devops job too, there is a migration we need to do for an app to micro services. again if you are interested or know someone that it does. please mail me :)

Me: gotcha

There were no further interactions with Mr. Guy the rest of the day.

I'll be thrilled if someone ask me about my bee and puppycat sticker

Guy A : so I had to downloaded the one you sent ...
Guy B : wait you what
Guy A : I downloaded the file you sent
Guy B : you didn't need to download, you just had to save it
Guy A : NO, I had to download, if not it will cost my mobile bill
Guy B : NO, saving it won't cost any

And here I am : (屮゜Д゜)屮

F : "Oh, you're an IT guy. Can you help me hack my facebook? I forgot the password."
Me : "..."
F : "You can't? okay"

Guy: - "Your restart script doesn't work."
Me: - "What do you mean?"
Guy: - "It does nothing."
Me: - "It should kill every processes that's running within the project and start them again. Wait... Why do you terminate it?"
Guy: - "I don't. It just stops."
Me: - "It says `Terminated` here. You killed it. Just let it do it's job, don't kill it."
Guy: - "I'm not killing it! It just stops!"

(...two hours later...)

Me: - "Wait... Where do you run it from?"
Guy: - "What do you mean? I just run the script you gave me."
Me: - "Yeah, but where do you run it from? Where did you put it?"
Guy: - "It's part of the project so I put it in the project, d'oh!"

I’ve started the process of setting up the new network at work. We got a 1Gbit fibre connection.

Plan was simple, move all cables from old switch to new switch. I wish it was that easy.

The imbecile of an IT Guy at work has setup everything so complex and unnecessary stupid that I’m baffled.
We got 5 older MacPros, all running MacOS Server, but they only have one service running on them.

Then we got 2x xserve raid where there’s mounted some external NAS enclosures and another mac. Both xserve raid has to be running and connected to the main macpro who’s combining all this to a few different volumes.

Everything got a static public IP (we got a /24 block), even the workstations. Only thing that doesn’t get one ip pr machine is the guest network.
The firewall is basically set to have all ports open, allowing for easy sniffing of what services we’re running.

The “dmz” is just a /29 of our ip range, no firewall rules so the servers in the dmz can access everything in our network.

Back to the xserve, it’s accessible from the outside so employees can work from home, even though no one does it. I asked our IT guy why he hadn’t setup a VPN, his explanation was first that he didn’t manage to set it up, then he said vpn is something hackers use to hide who they are.

I’m baffled by this imbecile of an IT guy, one problem is he only works there 25% of the time because of some health issues. So when one of the NAS enclosures didn’t mount after a power outage, he wasn’t at work, and took the whole day to reply to my messages about logins to the xserve.

I can’t wait till I get my order from fs.com with new patching equipment and tonnes of cables, and once I can merge all storage devices into one large SAN. It’ll be such a good work experience.

I feel for the IT guy.....

an IT guy having a kid

Dad : My WhatsApp has an issue and you're a software engineer. Fix it
Me : Looks like a Android bug...can't do anything.
Dad : Come with me, this guy at the shop around the corner who does prepaid talk time recharge will fix it... learn from him
Me : facepalm , gotta kill that guy

I have nothing wrong with being frequently asked what I am majoring in. However, I am going for COMPUTER SCIENCE not FUCKING IT. Please for the love of fuck stop suggesting I try to get a job with some shitty company as an IT guy. I have no interest in being an IT guy. I want to fucking code shit, not fix your shit and help you do basic shit that you're too fucking incompetent to figure out.

IT guy when insulting be like:

"Your mama's so FAT she can't save files bigger than 4GB"

Just got this little guy in the mail. Hopefully it can get me through my CS degree in one piece.

Brought in a meeting a really good idea. One guy out of 9 sayd, that it's stupid and we could not use it.

1 week later the same guy proposes the same idea to the boss and team. Took all the merit and when I confronted him, he denied, that it was first my idea.

Fuck my life...

Was searching how to embed youtube video in html and found this in w3schools..... The guy who wrote this turorial hates auto play i guess.... It really is annoying 😡

We were in a college group. Five people. Making project in PHP. Some forced us to use cakePHP framework than left. One guy decided to not participate and decited to do it next year. One guy didn't know PHP at all. The two of us have to do all the work for five people.

On the presentation day we have ten minutes to do it. Guy without PHP knowledge forget password for our app, make three wrong guesses and locked us out of our app for five minutes.

I learnt it!
00210121021112011211211120102000212101021112100202
Whoever decodes it, is the cool guy on devRant

Guy to a girl,
"I always thought Love() was a static class, until you made an instance of it."

rant || !rant
My father-in-law wants me to buy a new computer for him. He's currently using an old Acer minitower running more malware than real software on shitty Windows Vista. He only uses Email (Outlook 2003), Facebook and Youtube. I'm gonna get him a MSI Cubi Intel N3700/4GB/120GB SSD with Linux Mint and problem solved. No more malware/virus calls from him. I'm installing Mint on Vbox right now and I'm loving it from second 0.

I first got into software when found an broken printer abandoned in my front porch and u fixed it. That was when I realised that I would be an IT guy
.
.
.
.
.
.just kidding

Just a guy burping and farting all day, every day.
He was a very cool guy and a good worker, so he was excused. But it was very weird when he just started at the company!

Yes I am a computer science major; No I'm not volunteering to be your IT guy.

Laughing about avoiding Windows update and publishing a meme about it on slack

Devops guy runs a remote cmd to my computer to restart and update

Me waiting for 30 mins

Conclusions : " avoid it silently"

When you review a PR from a senior dev, find something improvable, suggest it and the dev updates it accordingly.

The first time when this happened made me the luckiest guy. It's still rare, though.

Could you imagine a guy who takes A4 paper with encrypted text using modern algorithms and decrypts it in 20 minutes which pen and his mind?

My first job was not exactly a job but a freelance project. The guy that I delivered the website to thought that I'd charge money each time I pressed a key on my laptop when we met.
Had to explain to the guy that that's not how it works. That's not how any of it works.

An open standard quotes the same guy in 2/3 refs, very open indeed.

This guy damaged JavaScript as a language more than anyone else in the world, and he may still call it an achievement.

Sunday afternoon extra work..
New guy: what do you do?
Me: backend, mainly
New guy: c#?
Me: yeah, but not just..
New guy: so you're good at it?
Me: I'm a fucking proctologist

Awkward silence, followed by nerdy giggling

Client: Hi I'm having trouble with my computer.

IT Guy: Have you tried turning it off and on again?

The guy that developed this template redefined every bootstrap class and now i have to maintain it... kill me please

News station:
"This country is in need of IT specialists"
*Presents some guy from some company*
"We offer schooling for people who want to learn IT"

Also news station:
*Shows footage of the same guy typing some help command into cmd*
*Same guy opens minified js in notepad++*

Way to fucking cringe everybody with slight knowledge out of the continent!

How. The. Fuck...do these people has a job:
Me: How much to repair my Nexus 6 screen? It's not full smashed.
Tech guy: We'll need to see the phone
Me: Why? I need the screen replaced
Tech guy: Ok...send us a screen shot. it could be a cheap fix

Fucking me side ways! Really?

where's the IT guy..?

Was having an internship interview, and the guy starts laughing while reading my resume and says:
"don't put visual basic on your resume if you don't want to work with it"
I proceeded to remove it ASAP.

Why Java decided to use a guy resemble like nerd? It is not cool at all.

Once a weird co-worker gave me a condom..since I'm a weird guy too, I accepted it just to have a peculiar stuff in my wallet...I'm a guy, no girlfriend, he's a guy too...im straight tbh...him..i dunno

when my relatives know I'm studying IT:
"ooh, did you know that this guy made this and become rich, and this guy made this app and is rich now too, so why haven't you made anything yet?"
//its not that simple...

It was a long flight but he just flapped right along! Good job my guy! Time to relax on the beach and enjoy the water!

So a guy at work saw our laptops running kali linux, and wanted the "Installer" for it..

Me: Did you send that email to the client?
Other guy: No, I haven't. But you can send it, but you can send it, use teamviewer and send it from my email client

PM: "so I need you to deploy this new application to some new server. The deadline is in 2 days"

Me: "yeah I can do that, is the application ready and has been tested? Have the servers been set up properly by the IT guy?"

PM: "yep, all is set up and good"

Couple of hours later I try locating the server, only to find it didn't exist.

Me: "the server you mentioned earlier, is doesn't appear to exist?"

PM: "it definitely does, IT guy said he set it all up"

I dig around a little more, but this server definitely doesn't exist. The IT guy was on holiday for a week, so we had to wait for him to get back; delaying the release. On the morning the IT guy got back,

PM: " I though you said you set up that server for the application, we've had to delay it now!"

IT: "I just set it up this morning. Like I said in the email to you before I Ieft, I will have to do it first thing when I get back after holiday"

Turns out the PM had asked the IT guy to spin up the server, but never bothered to read his response. Assuming it was done he told the client he'd have it deployed in a couple of days.

The application was deployed successfully later that day, but not before the PM blamed us two for its delay.

How difficult is it to do things and do them properly? Clearly in 2019, very difficult. And why on Earth would you do things properly, when there's get rich quick schemes, shortcuts to be found and taken, and that filthy filthy legal tender. If the shitty implementation makes a profit, why do it properly? Makes no sense.

Except it fucking does. And you know why? Because of the guy that comes after you, that works with your fucking bullshit implementation and probably curses you to the moon and beyond in the process. Just like you probably did with the guy that came before you, with that bullshit you got tasked to work with. Don't be that guy. And don't be that guy to the next guy.

Still with me? Good. Here's the thing. You can do [insert job here] quick and dirty. But you're guaranteed to be checking back on it and fixing the crap later on. Or worse yet, someone else will be cursing you to the moon and beyond while they are fixing / working around your crap. So why not do it right in the first place? Is this why we can't have nice things?

Other than being an a**hole, Linus. Guy changed computing as we know it with a little pet project

I've been offered some freelance work.
The marketing guy in me says I can do it in 1 month. The technical guy in me knows I'm bullshitting.

Ah yes, my favourite statement a client can say to me.

"I know a guy that will do it for $100 less"

I really love how beautiful code can be, and the feeling of creating something for others or yourself to enjoy. But I hate being the family's IT guy... I'm a developer not IT support.

One guy left the company and left me nodeJS project to maintain. It has a file with just a few lines short of 1700 lines of code.

Everytime dfox upvotes one of my rants I feel like a fangirl inside. Think of a big hairy guy reacting like a fangirl.. disturbing isn't it ? 😂

What does an IT guy said to a doctor?

IT hurts when IP.

Get it? GET IT?

Me: We need to allow the team in the newly acquired subsidiary to access our docker image repositories.
Sec Guy: Why?
Me: So they can run our very expensive AI models that we have prepared onto container images.
Sec Guy: There is a ban on sharing cloud resources with the acquired companies.
Me: So how we're supposed to share artifacts?!?
Sec Guy: Can't you just email them the docker files?
Me: Those images contain expensively trained AI models. You can't rebuild it from the docker files.
Sec Guy: Can't you email the images themselves?
Me: Those are a few gigabytes each. Won't fit in an email and won't even fit the Google drive / onedrive / Dropbox single file size limit.
Sec Guy: Can't you store them in a object storage like S3/GCS/Azure storage?
Me: Sure
Proceed to do that.
Can't give access to the storage for shit.
Call the sec guy
Me: I need to share this cloud storage directory.
Sec Guy (with aparent amnesia): Why?
Me: I just told you! So they can access our AI docker images!
Sec Guy: There is a ban on sharing cloud resources with the acquired companies.
Me: Goes insane

Is there a law or something that you must attempt several alternative methods before the sec people will realize that they are the problem?!?! I mean, frankly, one can get an executable artifact by fucking email and run it but can't pull it from a private docker registry? Why the fuck would their call it "security"?

You think HTML isn't a programming language? Tell that to the guy wrote js to check if a hidden div contained the word True inside its tag before it fired.

Sales guy: Hey, you're technical. Can you tell me how I'd go about doing (foobar) in this webapp I have here?
Almond: Err... I've never dealt with that webapp in my life. I wouldn't have a clue.
Sales guy: ...but you're a dev right? Oh well, never mind. Anyone more experienced around here that may know?
Almond: No idea, but I seriously doubt any of the devs will have used it. Maybe one of the other sales guys will?
Sales guy: So you're telling me *none* of the devs around here will know how to do this?!
Almond: Very unlikely (thinking why the hell would any devs be using a sales app, but whatever)

...15 minutes later...

Sales guy: Ahah, I figured it out! (Explains what buttons he had to click in crappy app to do foobar)
Almond: Glad you got it sorted!
Sales guy: I'm really surprised none of you devs could figure this out, but I could. Perhaps I should change careers and be a dev.

...what?!

It fucking pisses me off when people compare experience as a benchmark of his performance or knowledge while hiring for job and even salaries depend on that. How do you know that, that guy has jerked around while the younger guy with less years of experienco would work better and harder.
What is your experience with people like that?

Thank you unixstickers, stickermule, and to the guy who posted it here in devrant about the $1 for bunch of stickers (sorry i forgot to ++ the post and can't find it anymore)

I just can't help it. Especially, for that Indian guy.

An IT guy told me during a phone meeting set up to talk about how he builds these web forms on a dumb CRM for a client of ours that he has been an IT professional for 25 years.

He says he doesn't know much about the codey stuff.

What do IT professionals do again?

I'm a guy and when the migraine hits me I feel like crying. Is it normal for a guy to cry, coz I'm not able to handle this pain.

Guy studies programming for a year.
Guy: I am going to start this amazing project wanna help
Me: Sure what is it
Guy: ***Long story of a decent idea***
Me: Sure Ill help, what do you need me to do
Guy: Only a few functions
A few days later...
Guy: Hey I don't where to start or how I should do it can you help me with like THE WHOLE PROGRAM?

If you haven't gathered from this story. Don't be that one guy who has an idea but doesn't write or make a plan for it as your just going to waste other peoples energy and resources.

Software Writer ? Software engineer ? Software Developer ? Developer ? IT guy ?

IT guy has had hold music on speaker for 45 minutes.....
Is that just cause for murder?

-Client: I have a problem.My pc says I need a snake to run this program.
-IT guy: Please sir,tell exactly what it says.
-Client: You need Python to run this program.
-IT guy: *hits his head on the keyboard

My company employed a new back-end guy from a random country in Africa (our first non-european). After firing the internal IT guy a year ago, they have now noticed that he has fully protected our company from login attempts outside of europe. The replacement has no idea how to revert it and honestly is not an system administrator.

Our DevOps guy knows how to solve it but nobody asked him and he cannot be arsed.

Phone call with random guy:
"Hi I have an awesome idea for a mobile app that's going to change the world. I just don't know how to program it."

Me: "cool, let's set up a meeting to hash out the details and discuss the project & costs"

Guy: "I was hoping you would be able to do it for 10% equity, it's gonna make millions!"

Me: "Facepalm"

Currently playing "the IT guy" for my uncle. I'm supposed to "speed up" the laptop. It's a low tier Toshiba from about 5 years ago, that while idle sits at about 100% CPU usage and 80% RAM usage.
From what I can tell, it has NEVER been turned off since I set it up for him 4 years ago, or unplugged..

Me: *finds exploit in site at work*
Developer of site: "You talk bs"
Me: "lemme show ya"

While I was trying to demo it, the guy quickly patched it xD (making it look as if it didn't work in the first place)

Hey new guy here!
@dfox and @trogus first thank you for this platform that helped gather this community. Second any news about new podcast episodes? I was really enjoying it!

I wish I had this guy as my calculus teacher in college. It was hell understanding the concepts because of language barriers.

Some IT person is walking to the marketing department coffee machine because one on IT is broken.

While waiting for his coffee he yells:
I want a enormous rack!

All the women instantly hide, and one guy say. “You cannot say that here!”

IT guy looks surprised and wondering what he said wrong....

Fuck the IT guy

interviewing a guy earlier on... apparently jQuery is better because it can do things javascript can't

My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.
We went and had some drinks.Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.

At a dynamoDB conference. Guy in the audience keeps thinking he knows more than the people who actually worked on it. 🤦‍♂️

When someone knows you are an IT guy and ask you to format his computer 😑

So I finally got a job where I was an intern as a Data Scientist.
PS : I am a non-computer science background guy, who made it through.

Our team(except one guy) does follow TDD, it may or may not be the best but solves for us in most cases.

This one guy follows HDD : Hope Driven Development.
He writes some code, checks_in and HOPE it works :-)
And breaks preprod almost once per week.

Call between Me and IT Assistant Guy working @ the Ministry of Education in my Country:

Me: Hi! I'm wondering why my account has been disabled. Can you tell me something?

IT guy: Have you tried turning off and on your computer?

Ministry.Of.Education.

So, 2 weeks ago, some guy in here left a comment about how great i3 is, so I was curious and installed it.

Since then I spend the same amount of time on playing with i3 as on doing actual work. Not sure if I love or hate that guy, but i3 really is awesome.

Guy at school
"I could do that... OR I could do it... in C#HNNNNNNNNGH"
Yeah, we get it. You like C#. Hooray for you. Please stop cumming every time it's mentioned.

So I saw this argument between two intellectual titans on Quora about C vs C++. It was pretty amusing lol.

First Guy: “C programmers are the Amish! They’re afraid of change. C++ is a better C because it repairs it insufficiencies like classes and namespaces.”

Second guy: “C is fairly consistent, while C++ is inconsistent in many places. It performs so many allocations without you even knowing it. It’s complexity is very distracting !”

I love it when my boss says "review the code with this guy since he knows alot" and that guy wastes your time by just skimming my code and saying "where is the final product?". I don't get people sometimes. At least I impressed myself making a small chatbot.

Nobody's fault. It's just my naiveness.

Meeting time is at 1pm.
2 guys from 2 different companies and me.
Guy A and Guy B offices are a bit closer.
Meeting venue is Guy B office.
Guy A confirmed and reminded me about the meeting around 12.
I had my lunch early and left my office at 1230.
Got a call from Guy A while I'm on route.
Guy B forgot the appointment, went out and they have rescheduled it to 530pm.
In the end I had to pay a round trip ride for a taxi.

Well at least it's cold inside the taxi while outside temperature is 38°.

When that guy *always* starts trying to aggressively optimize his code right after writing it. It really is the root of all evil. DK

If anything pisses me off more than some random client talking trash about my software bc they don't know how to use it, it is some guy taking credit for someone else's work and get away😡

Me walking into Best Buy picking up a package wearing my Android hat.

Me: I'm here to pick up a package
Best Buy guy: That is a nice hat!
Me: Oh? Thanks! It my favorite
Guy: As long as it isn't Apple

an IT student from same semester another section.

met because I was helping with a side project. and he happens to be there.

here's the interaction:

guy: heard ... u work for a company..
me: ya.. um web development
guy: never heard of that ...wheyyyyyy ....re is it!

me: ʘ‿ʘ

when you think about it.. Moses was the first guy ever to download data from The Cloud and distribute it via p2p protocol [torrent]. The first it pirate ever.

Happy Easter!

One developer got a code and had to add new feature so he writes new function in similar way that arleady written one. Pass the code to next guy.
Next guy: why did u write this function like that?
First guy: Coz one was arleady written that way
N: but it was written wrong
F: ...so now 2 are written wrong (no he will not fix it 😂😂)

it was not a technical interview.
just screening.

guy: tell me smth about redis.

me: key value, in memory storage.

guy: more

me: umm, the concept is similar to localStorage in browsers, key value storage, kinda in memory.

guy: so we use redis in browsers?

me: no, I mean the high level concept is similar.

guy: (internally: stupid, fail).

On IT English lesson:

Professor: Simple question - how do we call all devices inside computer, like HDD, or CPU.

Some random guy: International Devices

*Insert loudest facepalm here*

If chuck Norris was an IT guy.

Family reaction to me being a dev (and offering to replace their home/personal IT guy with google drive and a mesh wifi network):

We're going to hire an IT guy because they have more experience doing this kind of thing. BITCH, I'VE BEEN DOING THIS FOR 15 YEARS!!!

I want to kill the guy who wrote this. He creates a temp table, selects data into it. Then selects the data out of it and returns the results. It does Nothing Else. WTF.

My largest achivement as a developer is befriending a guy in IT

"Millions of slaves"
"When you kill it, you kill everything."

-- Guy at work doing presentation about docker

Linux SYSadmin big step!

Got a new guy. Having a dumb meeting. New guy is humblebragging. It is making the dumb meeting longer. I feel angry. Like Warren Moon must have felt in 1995. He is a PhD. That's probably why. Ugh.

So we had a talk in college on various tools we can use as developers and the guy kept pronouncing it as jithub. I was cringing so hard.

some guy recommended Replika app.
trying it now. so far, my first positive impression was with a thought "nice generic dodge, buddy"

Is it that difficult to write a fucking commit message? I've told this guy 3 times and he still just commits 'dev' as a message.

Ladies and gents,

It feels amazing to learn a new language. I feel like a French guy learning Swahili with ease. Or a game mod creator turning on God mode.

Got praised today by an important guy in my company for writing understandable javascript code. He said he'd gladly learn js if I were to teach it.
feelsgoodman.jpg

Me: *works on some documentation*
Guy: "Why does it randomly say CUT DOWN LIKE LAMBS AT SLAUGHTER?"
Me: "Buggers I've been typesinging again D:"

That moment when you explain purely IT thing to a purely non-IT guy :|

When you create a script to automate something, and that one guy keeps estimating high on the task because he likes to do it manually and refuses to use it because "his way is simple and safer".

When the most dependable guy on your team resigns right in the middle of the biggest project and your boss gives YOU hell about it. What the mother fuck????

Personally, I am fine with Windows and I run it on a couple boxes. Just don't be the Ignorant Windows Guy at work who needs constant help when there's not a GUI for something. Not as annoying as Elitist Linux Guy or Pompous Mac Guy, but still annoying.

I am a developer, not your goddamn it support guy that is there to fix your stupid printer

When your boss-slash-designer-slash-idea-guy puts in one 'tiny' requirement that puts a bottleneck on the entire project. . . and there's only one guy working on it.

Well, excuse me, this shit is not going to take a day to fucking implement. Let me just mark this task with a 2 week finish date. Someone pls save me.

From the moment I realised I was a TABs guy, and she a SPACEs person, it was all over. Love became terribly bad "indented" from that very moment.

Great... None of my coworkers know about this tiny bit of undocumented code, and the guy who wrote it, I replaced ... Fucks sake ... Next weeks gonna be hellish

Finally read the Steve Jobs autobiography.

That guy is going to make it big!

Me: Hey SEO guy. I am updating our online store from Flask/jQuery in ReactJS.

SEO guy: That is amazing. Google LOVES ReactJS and it will crawl the site very fast.

*fast forward*

SEO guy: Hey, did you change anything in the site because the site is not ranking anymore on Google. The URLs are dynamically generated in front end. Google does not like that.

ME: But you said that Google loves React. It took me nearly 1 month to migrate the code in React.

Fucking hell.

Being the lone member of my family with a Computer Science diploma, they see me as a priest for their unfaithful computers.

Not a fight I was involved in but one I observed. A junior dev on my team and a server ops guy had major personality conflicts. One day the server ops guy had enough and physically went after the junior dev. I was senior but still pretty new to my own career and had no idea how to handle it. Server guy got fired soon after. I was glad I didn’t have firing power and that he didn’t even report to me anyways.

Lol the guy in my team make it sound like masterbaita. What an accent lol. Lol which should be master data 😂 so no one is correcting him

That guy at the office who gets really irritated and worried about newly introduced technology. He would spend 2-3 days talking trash about it, saying how much he prefers the older and less efficient approach just because he knows it.

That fucking guy.

I am a learn it all, do what you can kind of guy. I work alone so Fullstack I guess, hate UI though, god saves boostrap.