- Sir, you must put away your laptop before the flight takes off.
- Is a tablet okay?
- Yes
- *Uncouples keyboard from Surface*
- ಠ_ಠ
- (⌐■_■)

- Hello! Gordon's pizza?
- No sir it's Google's pizza.
- So it's a wrong number?
- No sir, Google bought it.
- OK. Take my order please ..
- Well sir, you want the usual?
- The usual? You know me?
- According to our caller ID, in the last 12 times, you ordered pizza with cheeses, sausage, thick crust
- OK! This is it
- May I suggest to you this time ricotta, arugula with dry tomato?
- No, I hate vegetables
- But your cholesterol is not good
- How do you know?
- Through the subscribers guide. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years
- Okay, but I do not want this pizza, I already take medicine
- You have not taken the medicine regularly, 4 months ago, you only purchased a box with 30 tablets at Drugsale Network
- I bought more from another drugstore
- It's not showing on your credit card
- I paid in cash
- But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your bank statement
- I have other source of cash
- This is not showing as per you last Tax form unless you got it from undeclared income source
-WHAT THE HELL? Enough! I'm sick of Google, Facebook, twitter, WhatsApp. I'm going to an Island without internet,where there is no cell phone line and no one to spy on me
- I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport as it has expired 5 weeks ago..

*client calls*
"hello, we forgot the password to our WiFi router. Could you reset that for us?"

😐😶😮😅

"We host websites and servers sir, we don't control your router :)"

"Right, i thought so, nevermind!"

Well, that's a new one O.o

Me: good day, how can I help you?
Client: *explains issue*
Me: alright, let's take a loo.... *AACHOOOO*
.
.
M: my apologies sir, that came out of nowhe... *ACHOOO*
M: do you have a second sir? My apologies!
C: sure man take your time 😁

*30 seconds later, nose seems to have calmed down*

M: back I am, apologies for the inconvenience!
C: no problem, it happens!
M: where was I?.... Right, I was going t...
*ACHOOOOOOOOOOO*
*ACHOOOOOOO*
AH... AH... AAAAH..... ACHOOOOO*
M: I'm very sorry, I'm going to put you through to a collegue!
*puts through to collegue*
*goes to bathroom*
.
.
*returns to desk*

*tringgggg*
Me: good afternoon sir, how may I hel... *A-MOTHERFUCKING-CHOOOOO* (thinking: oh for fucking fucks sake)
C: bless you!
M: thank you! Apologies, I seem to be having a snee.. *CHOOOOOOOO*
.
.
.
*sniffs a few times*
- zing attack.

*collegue yells at me to transfer my call*
*transfers call*

Me: thanks man, idk what's wrong with me hahah... *ACHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*

OH FUCKING HELL 😠

*computer fell, broken in pieces*

Me calling [Microsoft] tech support: hey can you check my warranty on this computer, I think I broke it?

Tech support: yes sir but we must first go through the troubleshooting steps,

Me: no, no I just-

Tech support: have you tried pressing F8 sir?

Me: umm… no, look I'm just -

Tech support: sir please press the F8 key sir

Me: okay… I pressed it, now can you just check my-

Tech support: sir please what happened when you pressed F8?

Me: it's broken, now if you could just check my warranty -

Tech support: sir I'm sorry sir I think you did it wrong. Please press F8

Me: no just check my-

Tech support: sir I think you do not understand, sir it is at the top-

Yup.

Me wanting to board Plane,
Goes through security Check...
"Sorry sir Laptops are not allowed."
Me
"Why?"
Security
"It could be a modified bomb"
Me
"But this is a Tablet!"
Security
"No sir, it has a Keyboard and Trackpad attached to it, its also running Windows..."
Me
"Excuse me, but this is clearly a Tablet"
*Detatches Keyboard from Surface Book*
"See? Tablet."
Security,
"Sorry sir, but no. You cant board the plane with this, only Tablets and Smartphones"
Me
"WTF? you dont allow Laptops because they could be bombs but A FUCKING SMARTPHONE IS ALLOWED? AND TABLETS TOO?!"
Security
"Yes, because the Battery is not removable..."
Me
"But my Laptop Battery is also not Removable..."
Security
"I dont have anymore Time for an Argument"
Me
"So I can board the Plane?"
Security
"No, the Ticket will be refunded"

WHO THE FUCK CAME UP WITH THIS BULLSHIT? LIKE RLY? WHO!!
I MEAN WHAT THE FUCK IS ALLOWED?!

Coworker wrote a nice package and put it on Github, to share with other departments.

I link his package on our company Slack, mentioning a team, with text "What do you think of this one? Is it usable for you guys?"

Next thing I know I have to explain to an executive why I'm "posting pictures of seductive cartoon girls in company chat with disrespectful commentary"

It linked the Github profile picture of the developer in Slack. A fully clothed anime girl, nothing particularly lewd about it.

But I like stabbing back a bit, and confusing the fuck out of people in suits:

"Hate to say it, but a good majority of all the code the company runs on, is written by people known as weebs, who use their so called waifus as their GitHub profile picture. It is very common for open source Javascript packages, but since we recruited 50 extra devs it now also happens internally. It's not my thing either sir, but I'm afraid we have to embrace it... "

"But what about our female devs? What about Joanna, she's in your team? We have to think of diversity! Our investors are really in to diversity, we can't have a bro culture!"

"Sir, with all due respect, we have super diverse teams without even trying. The problem is... they're all millennials. They grew up on weird memes... and are probably ten steps further in embracing diversity compared to the rest of the company."

"Also, Joanna is the one who drew this particular picture. She's charging a €15 commission for profile pictures... Do you want one of your fursona, sir?"

"What is that?"

"Uh... nevermind. Let's... let's not go there"

"OUR SERVER IS DOWN!!!!!!"
*ssh server*
*succesfully logged into the server*
"The server is very much up, sir."
"BUT THIS WEBSITE ISN'T WORKING ANYMORE!!!!"

Ah, so one of your websites on that server with 100s of websites on it is not working anymore. That doesn't mean that you're entire fucking server is down. Please learn the fucking difference.

Interviewer - so what's your email ID?

Candidate- sir, abc@xyz.com

Interviewer - and password?

Candidate- 12345678

Interviewer - you shared such a confidential information so easily for the job. How can we trust that you will not share any confidential information of the company for some better offers?

Candidate - Sir, I might have shared my password with you but I don't think you can still login to my email account. Let's look for the possibilities. My password can be

12345678

Or

Onetwothreefourfivesixseveneight

Or

1twothreefourfivesixseveneight

1twothreefourfivesixseven8….. so on

Or

2444666668888888 (one 2, three 4….)

13355557777778 (1, two 3, four 5……, 8)….. so on

Or

Combination of all of these…

By the way, did I mention use of capitals? 😂

Finally that candidate was offered with the position as
" HR Manager"

At Google headquarters:

"Today seems to be a bright day"
*Angular 5 is out*

"Sir, I need to change something small, shall I do a pull?"
*Angular 6 is out*

"It's Pichai's birthday today!"
*Angular 7 is out*

"Wussup"
*Angular 8 is out*

Client: I dont want you to rush. Okay?
Me: Okay sir.
Client: But I need it tomorrow.

Whaaaaaaat????

An incident which made a Security Researcher cry
--------------------------------------------------------
I was working on my laptop finishing up my code while waiting for the flight which was late . Meanwhile two guys (I'm gonna call them Fellas) in black suit and shades came to me

Fella : Sir you have to come with us .
Me : *goes along with them*
Fella : Sir please proceed *points towards the door . The room has a round table with some guys discussing something *
Fella 1 : Your passport please
Me : *Hands over the passport*
Fella 1 : Where are you traveling to sir?
Me : India
Fella 1 : Put your laptop in the desk sir.
Me : Sure thing
Fella 2 : What were you doing there? *Taps the power button*
Me : Just finishing up my work .
Fella 1 : Or hacking our systems?
Me : Seriously?
Fella 2 : The password please .
Me : Here you go
*5 minutes have passed and​ he still can't figure out how to use the machine*
Fella 2 : Which Windows is this?
Me : It's Linux
Fella 1 : So you are a hacker .
Me : Nope
Fella 1 : You are using Linux
Me : Does it matters?
Fella 1 : Where do you work?
Me : *I won't mention here but I told him*
Fella 2 : So what do you do there?
Me : I'm a Security Researcher
Fella 1 : What's your work?
Me : I find security holes in their systems .
Fella 1 : That means you are a hacker .
Me : Not at all .
Fella 2 : But they do the same and they use Linux .
Me : You can call me one .
*After 15 minutes of doo-laa-baa-dee-doo-ra-ba-doo amongst them I dunno what they were talking , they shutdown the computer and handed over it to me*
Fella 2 - So you are somewhat like a hacker .
Me - *A bit frustrated* Yes.

##And now the glorious question appeared like an angel from river ##

Can you hack Facebook?
Me - 😭😭😭

Sir, please write a simple program, just a very basic one.

me: Writes Hello World in Python

Didnt get the job.

"Sir, I fixed the recent bug"

"Great, what did you do?"

"I commented out the code that was causing it :)"

"Brilliant! You didn't forget to push the code to production, did you?"

"No Sir, I pushed it immediately"

"Marvelous! I'll arrange a promotion for you next month"

So I went for interview today.
.
.
Interviewer : Can u give some theory test about php?
Me : Sir, Can u please open your site?
Interviewer: sure 🙂
Me : Sir, I just logged in as Owner of ur company, Your site is not protected from sql injection.

Interviewer : 😌😌
Me : Sir, test?? 😜
xxxxxxxxxxx -------------------- xxxxxxxxx

Please sir please

Hi sir i have a problem can you please teamview in and help

Me: sure no problem
Login....

Are you there ....
Hello whats the problem

40min later
Sorry i went out for lunch

😤😤😤😤😤

Me : Here's my resignation.
Boss : No need.
Me (Expecting some good words) : Why sir?
Boss : Here's your termination.

!dev

It was late night after work I went into Macdonald's take-away:

Me: Can I have a Maharaja Mac Medium Meal with extra regular fries?

Guy: Yes sir, that will XX.XX amt.

Me: Gives him my card.

Guys: So what's the pin?

Me: What??

Guys: The Pin sir.

Me: Are you ok? Who the hell shares a pin with you?

Guy: Sir, we don't have a wireless swipe machine.

Me: So why is it a take-away if I have to come inside and drop my pin anyways?

*Guy looks awkwardly at other employees. :/

I had to finally get out of the vehicle and I took another 15 mins seperately explaining him why cards have a security pin and that the word security isn't a joke before the pin. With this, I might have also slipped in some GDPR cookie policy along with it. and why Microsoft bought GitHub. Good Lad. He will learn.

It's depressing how true this is

Me: "Tech support, how can I help you?"
Them: " I'm not able to log into the website!"
Me: "Okay, what message is it showing when you try to log in?"
Them: "Sir, I am NOT a computer person so I don't know."
Me: "Do you know which web browser you're using?"
Them: "I don't know what that is!"
Me: "Okay, when you want to go on the internet, do you click on a blue E, or a mulicolored circle, or..."
Them: "SIR I ALREADY TOLD YOU THAT I AM NOT A COMPUTER PERSON, YOU'RE REFUSING TO THELP ME SO I'M GOING TO HANG UP"

Me: good morning, what can I help you with?
Client: I THINK REMOVED SOMETHING AND NOW ALL MY EMAIL IS GONE. HELP.
M: okay sir, do you have the domain for m....
C: HEY WAIT IT'S BACK NEVER MIND THANKS BYE
M: Oh tha....
*click*

😆

When you fuck something up with a customer and you very nervously apologize and they come back with 'apology accepted, we both learned something out of this!'

Thank you dear sir 😅👌

"Sir, it compiles"

"Push"

"But Sir, what about debugging?"

"I said push"

"But shouldn't we..."

"PUSH THE GOD DAMN CODE"

"How would you like your coffee Sir?" Lmaooo

Client: you never sent an email!! What am i paying you for!!
Me: *checks freshsales, sees he's ACTUALLY OPENED THE EMAIL* sir we're sure we've sent you an email.
*Argumen goes on for a while*
Me: *pissed, sends freshsales screenshot that he's opened it* have you or have you not opened this email on your account ****@**.com?
Client: oh on that account? Ok.

Here's a recent interview I had for an Android Developer job:
I: Interviewer, M: Me

I: hello, welcome
M: hi, thanks

I: do you know Kotlin?
M: yes, I've been working with it for 1.5 years and have written 3 projects in it

I: do you know RxJava, Dagger, Retrofit, and how to make Custom Views?
M: yes, I'm comfortable with them *explains*

I: do you know Room?
M: yes I do, I've done a lot of practices in it, but unfortunately have never needed to use it in production

I: what architecture do you use? Do you know MVP?
M: I'm currently using MVVM, but not MVP. I've debugged projects in it so I know what's going on in it

I: ok, do you have any questions for us?
M: how did I do?

I: I'm sorry sir, but you're not even a junior here
M: what? Why is that?

I: well you don't know Room and MVP?
M: I said I know them, just haven't used them in production.

I: well you have 3 years of experience but you dont even know Kotlin!
M: Kotlin was your first question and I said I have 3 projects in it. Did you even check the samples you asked for in the job posting?

I: SIR YOU'RE NOT A GOOD FIT FOR US, THANK YOU FOR COMING.

:/

Get inside the classroom children.
But Sir, We can't find the class.
Huh?

Hello! Is this Gordon’s Pizza?

No sir, it’s Google’s Pizza.

Did I dial the wrong number?

No sir, Google bought the pizza store.

Oh, alright - then I’d like to place an order please.

Okay sir, do you want the usual?

The usual? You know what my usual is?

According to the caller ID, the last 15 times you’ve ordered a 12-slice with double-cheese, sausage, and thick crust.

Okay - that’s what I want this time too.

May I suggest that this time you order an 8-slice with ricotta, arugula, and tomato instead?

No, I hate vegetables.

But your cholesterol is not good.

How do you know?

Through the subscribers guide. We have the results of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

Maybe so, but I don’t want the pizza you suggest – I already take medicine for high cholesterol.

But you haven’t taken the medicine regularly. 4 months ago you purchased from Drugsale Network a box of only 30 tablets.

I bought more from another drugstore.

It’s not showing on your credit card sir.

I paid in cash.

But according to your bank statement you did not withdraw that much cash.

I have another source of cash.

This is not showing on your last tax form, unless you got it from an undeclared income source.

WHAT THE HELL? ENOUGH! I’m sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter, and WhatsApp. I’m going to an island without internet, where there’s no cellphone line, and no one to spy on me …

I understand sir, but you’ll need to renew your passport … it expired 5 weeks ago.

interviewer: Do you know HTML?

me: Yes sir!

interviewer: can you tell me its full form?

me: how to meet ladies.

interviewer: get the fuck out of here

Phone call...
Caller: we contact you to arrange an interview for Java developer position, what time is good with you?
Me: Sorry Sir, I am javascript developer not Java developer!
Caller: You mentioned in your CV that you are using Java and Ayax for building applications!
Me: Trust me Sir, I don't have any relationship with your Ayax...
Caller: No problem, we can discuss this small technical difference in the interview. When you are available for it?
Me: No Sir, I am not available.

Boss: We need this update deployed and propagated before end of day.

Web: done!
Android: done!
iOS:...
Boss: what's the matter?
iOS: 2-3 business days, sir.

Apple and its app review process. Ugh!

Regular day at Adobe:

Intern: Sir, I have created this amazing functionality that will make user's life easy. Shall I push it for review?

Manager: Did you say it will make their life easy?

Intern: Yes Sir!

Manager: Can we fire this intern already?

Adobe, seriously man make up your goddamn mind. Why the fuck are you taking away useful features and making them hidden under hundreds of icons you have. This is so fraustrating 😡

Well played sir, well played! 😁😁

The interview was for an internship, I was so nervous about it and thats how I fu*ked it.

Q: So you have studied OOP?
A: Yes Sir, I have studied OOP in C language.
And the rest is history. 😃😃

Interviewer : "Do you know SQL ?"
Me : "Yes sir. I know SQL and I prefer NoSQL."
Interviewer : "So you know SQL and you don't want to do it for our company ?? This is arrogant !! "

Dear sir,

I'm NOT giving you the information you want because I can't verify you. You can tell me that we're the only company who does it like this and name all companies which do it differently, you can curse me into the ground or completely lose your shit at me but that won't make a difference:
I'm not giving you the information you want.

Sincerely,

Go fuck yourself.

*during my final job interview*

*holding the folder that contains my cv*
interviewer: Wait, before I open this I would like to guess which position you're applying to.
me: Hmm okay sir? Which position?
interviewer: I see you're applying as a back-end developer?
me: Yes sir, I am.
interviewer: Aha! That's because you have a long hair? Like it is a requirement for every devs to grow their hair?
me: *laughs* i think so?
interviewer: Well our devs here also has long hair. You'll meet 'em soon.
...

That sets the mood of my interviewing process that leads me the job offer. LOL.

Uber Driver: What do you do, Sir?
Me: I'm an Engineer. What about you?
Uber Driver: I'm a Uber Driver.
Me: :/

Scammers mann:
——————————————-
“Hello sir, you have to renew your subscription before tomorrow else you’ll be charged $299.99 from your bank account.”

Me: And what’s this subscription you’re talking?

“Your Microsoft antivirus subscription, sir.”

Me: Oh wow, and when did I subscribe to this?

“Three years ago, sir.”

Me: lmbo. Please find someone else to scam.

“No sir, it shows here that you subscribed to Microsoft antivirus 3 years ago.”

Me: Dude, I was in college three years ago. I was too broke to be subscribing to useless stuff like this.

“But sir, its an antivirus. You subscribed to protect your Windows PC from viruses, malware so that bad people and hackers don’t get into your computer to do bad things and steal your info.”

Me: Well, what a coincidence. You’re describing yourself except you’re trying to attack my bank account not my pc. And oh, I’ve been using Linux for the past 5 years and currently own a MacBook so good luck finding someone to fall for this.

“Oh, I see. Sorry.”

*Scammer hangs up.

Lmbo, like dude seriously?

Unfortunately though, someone at my work mother fell for this and had to close all her accounts and create new ones.

I was presenting a paper about "P5.js". My line began with "P5.js is a javascript library ... (and I went on)".

After my conclusion one of the judges asked me "Is this based on JavaScript?"

My reply "No sir, Magic!".

(Funny part - Got first prize.)

A fresh graduate software engineer applied to the company and passed the coding exam.

Manager: Wow you got a very high score. Good job.

Applicant: Thank you sir. So am I hired?

Manager: Yes of course. You will be the team lead for one of the project.

Applicant: Wait wut????

So I migrated over to ja.stackoverflow.com, which is just the japanese version of stackoverflow, and realized how much different japanese devs are to the american ones Im used too.

On the standard StackOverflow I would see people argue and lots of questions would be downvoted. but on its japanese counterpart if you even ask for a little more context on a question they speak to you as if you were there boss. They also always say thank you sir at the end of their comment.

Im tempted to just keep google translate open and stay on ja.stackoverflow

Harry: Sir, I thought you couldn' t Apparate within Hogwarts?
Dumbledore: sudo apparate

This happened a while ago but I till remember it. I'm an Intern within a nice company where everything is open (one big ass room):

Designer: bob
Salesman: peter
(Random names)

Bob: Hey peter, these PDF files you got from the client are corrupt, could you ask him for good versions?
Peter: [on the phone with PDF client coincidentally] Sir, the pdf's you send are corrupt according to our designer.
.............…….............................................
He says that it must be you using a weird operating system.
Bob: Hey dude (me), could you check?
Me: Sure (checked on my Linux, corrupt indeed), yup deffo corrupt or something.
Peter: [on phone] Sir, they really seem to be corrupt. [Talking on phone] He says it must be your operating systems, can it be that your systems are fucking this up?
Me and bob: Highly unlikely!
Peter to client: Dear sir, I've got two very competent professionals here who say you are not right and the document is simply corrupt and I'm definitely going to trust them on this one so may I kindly request a new version!

He is a great salesman!

Your website looks great. I have told my secretary to send you your payment.

Wait, I forgot to check it on Internet Explorer. Give me a second let me check now.

Me: Sir, I suggest that you complete the payment before you proceed with any further tests!

,,,,*

correct..sir

Got a call from a recruiter today. (Keep in mind that using WhatsApp is about a requirement over here.)

R: so can I app you (I hate that word to the fucking point) with further details?
Me: *oh fuck this is gonna get me fucked again* uhm I don't use it so yah...
R: ohhh okay, security reasons?
Me: *slight relief* yes indeed, sir
R: oh fair enough, you can always just text and call me!

*very relieved feeling*

It's for either a cyber security or linux job by the way.

The director of then dutch intelligence agency AIVD (nsa/gchq equivalent) said, because the new mass surveillance law is getting loads of heat/criticism, that before the Dutch citizens should worry about the new surveillance law, they should look into which online companies they trust with their online data and why they trust those companies.

Nice try, sir. You're (probably deliberately) missing the entire point.

*knock knock*
SIR do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior the WINDOWS UPDATE?
"uhm no sorry I'm busy"
*sees a bulldozer in the background*
"what the .."
SIR just let him in your heart and feel his security patches drive your vulnerabilities away!!
"but the rendering hasn't finished ye.."
TOO LATE SIR, green light fellas let's do this
*bulldozer destroys my house and i wake up, sweating*

*hugs laptop*
"Oooh Ubuntu my baby I've missed you soo much!"
*wayland crashes*

happens :p

People who ask a question on the interwebs, solves it by themselves and just say "It's OK. I've solved it" without explaining how should have their Internet removed (maybe some light torture too).

"yes, sir, we block ftp and ssh connections from outside the benelux (shortcut for: belgium/netherlands/luxembourg, didn't say this part but it's a very widely known term here)"

"if you allow connections from INSIDE the benelux, why can't I connect from Germany, eh?!?!"

💀😶

Me telling a senior dev on how to install a proprietary software:

Me: Sir, the instructions are in the readme.txt

Senior: I'm supposed to read the readme?!

Love to browse the reviews on the playstore sometimes

In few hours I was with client showing his website after long time coding and designing.

Client: I think this is it, here your final $$

Me: Me thanks sir and bye

A guy came in.

Client: Oh! Wait, this guy is our it expert let see if he have any advise.

Me: Oops! Okay

Guy: So this website will showcase our products

Me: Yes,

Guy: What about security because I just got news that Russian hacked one big company.

Me: I don’t think Russian have time to hack your one page website

Out of the door...

Today was the first time I told a rude interviewer off. Feels pretty good. Fuckwad kept cutting me off with “Shut up and just answer my question”. Nope. Not taking that shit my good sir.

Me: So here's the completed website.

Client: *goes to Google and searches for media agencies india* What the hell is this ? I was told that my name would come on the first page in Google.

Me: Sir, we had quoted to build SEO friendly pages and not for doing SEO.

Client: This is fraud. How the hell could you cheat me by using these technical words. I want my name on the first page in Google.

Me: *types companyname.com in Google* Here Sir, your website is on the first page in Google.

Client: I very well know fraudsters like you. If I wouldn't have checked it then you'd have charged me for this later on. Here's your cheque.

Worst part of being a dev is handling less techy people than you 😫

This happened just a few meters of me.

IT Guy: What happened sir?
IT Manager: WTF does the variable a4g646g54a6g54a65g654ag546a654g56a?

~awkward silence~

Still curious.

Ehm... ok.
Thanks for the info sir... hacker.

Manual Data Entry: Most boring job
This reminds me of one conversation with one of my faculty..
Faculty: Why not try some Machine Learning Project?
Me: Cool. Any ideas you have already thought
Faculty: Comes up with a really noble idea
Me: Awesome idea. But we need data
Faculty: Don't worry. I will get it. Just help me setup Hadoop (see the irony.. no data yet, and he wants big data setup)
Me: But we don't have data. Let's focus of data collection, Sir
Faculty: I will get it. Don't worry. Trust me.
( I did setup for him twice coz he formatted the system on which I did the setup first time)
After 6 months,
Me: (same question) Sir, Data??
Faculty: I got it.
Me: Great. Give me, I can start looking into it from today.
Faculty: Actually, it's in a register written manually in a different language (which even I can't understand) I will hire data entry guys to convert it into English digital contents.
Me: *facepalm*
Road to Manual data entry to Big Data
Dedicating this pencil to the individuals keeping the register up to date and Sir in hopes of converting it into big data..
Long way to go..

Thanks, very useful advice sir

Salute sir...!

I got this one from my senior PM, You...go to your seat and get me a software...that would create other Softwares for me...so that I don't need to have explain every time I need something to be built...to people like you...i will use that and build for my own. I told him...Sir you can use an IDE.

Stallman is ranting about proprietary software. Yes, sir!

My boss asked me to do tech support today as one of tech support employee was not feeling well.

The very first call i attended, went like:

Me : Sir, this is xyz support desk. How may i help you?

*Listening his problem*

Me : Sir solution is pretty simple. Just do a Right click on application shortcut icon and then select "Open File Location".

Client : where can i find "Right Click"?

Client: When will you give me an update on this feature

Me: In two weeks

Client: okay that’s fine

Client proceeds to call me everyday asking me for an update🤨🤨

Fuck you sir.

Management knows shit about managing.

They ask us to do x and one month later they have the first meeting to discuss it... They didn't even plan it, only asked.

Its like asking a hamburger at Mc Donalds and letting the kind of hamburger for when it arrives:

"Hey, I want a hamburger"

Mc. Employee: "Which one , sir?"

"Doesn't matter, when it arrives we decide about it, just go on, chop chop"

Girl: hello this is amazon support center, hope you're feeling great today, how are you?

Me: im good...

Girl: glad to hear that, how may i help you?

Me: a few moments ago i was on... sigh, actually im not good im extremely sad right now because i was scammed on my amazon account for $250, im calling to ask if that product can be charged back.

*literally 30-60 seconds of silence*

Me: .....hello??

Girl: ok sir ill give u another line to call please dont hang up ok? stay with me

Me: maam im not doing suici

Girl: +1-532...

Me: ...

soooo Texas froze before Hell, thought it was never going to happen but it did 🥴

Had a meeting scheduled for today, but since my employees (crucial for the meeting) do not have power I had to reschedule.

VP: I saw that you cancelled the meeting
Me: yes I did sir, my people do not have power at their homes so I decided that we can postpone it for later.

VP: Understandable, I just wanted to see if you guys were ok.

Me: yes sir, we are thank you and yourself?

The rest of the conv was standard pleasantries.

Why can't it be like this for all devs around the world?

Claims to prefer developing on windows

Does all development in an ubuntu vm

....I see through your lies sir

*sees people on Facebook wanting to get Linux certificates*
Me: naah that's not how I'ma do it

*at le job interview*
Interviewer: "So you apply as a sysadmin.. what are your skills? Certificates?"
Me: "No certificates sir.. but I USE ARCH LINUX 😎"
Me (quietly): "and Ubuntu Server too but that's not as cool :v"

When you get a client from real MOTHERFUCKING hell.

You just really FUCKING want to say this:

Scorched earth MOTHERFUCKER. I will massacre you. Now SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LET ME DO MY JOB.
First, take a big step back and literally, FUCK YOUR OWN FACE.
I will rain down an ungodly FUCKING firestorm upon you.
You're gonna have to call the FUCKING United Nations and get a FUCKING BINDING RESOLUTION to keep me from FUCKING destroying you.
I am talking SCORCHED EARTH MOTHERFUCKER.
I will MASSACRE you.
I WILL FUCK YOU UP!

But for your own sake you keep it at this:
Yes sir/ma'am :).

I have been asked to teach a few things for newbies at work, without coding background.
I used the metaphore of pizza, empty pizzabox and no box for teaching NULL. I have read it here on Devrant, written by someone awesome of the community here.
My boss overheard me explaining it, and said that that was the most beautifull expanation of NULL he ever heard.
.......I was like: yaaay Devrant FTW!

Also newbies understood it instantly so kudos to you sir, original poster!

Interviewer: One last thing, hope you are not married.

She: No, but how is that relevant?

Interviewer: Well because this job involves a lot of traveling you see...

She: Makes sense Sir. Also, I have a lawyer friend, in case you need any help...

Interviewer: What help?

She: Help with filing for your divorce Sir, as this job involves a lot of traveling...

Working at best buy (don't remember if I was geek squad yet or not).
"hi sir, that line hasn't moved in a while, I was headed up to help, but let me ring you up here so you can get on with your day."
"thanks!"
...random talking leads to graduation and what's next...
"my friend works at *company* and seems to really like it. I gave him my resume when he asked, but i guess is boss can't hire anymore people or something, so I'm applying other places. It's been about a year."
"oh. Hi. I'm boss. Send resume again"

Booking a hotel on booking.com

**only 3 rooms avaliable at this discounted price BOOK NOW**
**12 rooms booked just in the last 24 hours BOOK NOW**

*** HTML AND CSS FLASHING WEBSITE PANIC**

I call the hotel directly "sorry sir, we're closed for the season and currently renovating, will not be open till June"

I need a drink.

Customer care guys are stupid
Me : yeah, OS crashed. It keeps getting into bios setup saying there's no hard drive detected on this system and no recovery file found as well, what do ?
Him : "well sir, your OS has been corrupted and now you have to buy new licensed one, if you can just give me your location I can help you locate out nearest service centre which will help you install a new licensed instantly"
Me : *WHAT THE ACTUAL TRIPLE FUCK* atleast try to understand the problem first.
Him : No need sir, I already come across this problem and now you have to pay, as I was saying *beep*
*I smashed the phone*
After that I fixed it myself
These low level shit licking faggots need to get themselves fucked in the ass by horses and then apply the same conversation when the intercourse begins with the horse.
Also, if I could be placed in the same customer care cell, I would do better.
So wk62 too I guess

How my resignation letter would be..

Dear Sir,

Please accept my resignation as I have decided to apply for your post.

Thanking you,

Sincerely Yours,

XYZ

Interviewer: Do you mastering PB? Because this company always use PB.
Me: I good on it.
Int: Oh well you're accept here, welcome.
Me: Thanks.
...
*the first day I joined the company*
Lead. Programmer: Today you will code Java.
Me: Okay sir.
...
Then I ask what the Interviewer's "PB" means, and I got the answer is Power Builder. I think it's the name of the game I always play, Point Blank.
...
And I smile, because of my fool, I was accepted to the company.
....
*sorry in my bad English*

So our company's internet was down. Network admin was really pissed as there is suppose to be a notification from the ISP about down time. Network admin called the ISP customer services to inquire about the problem and they said "Sir, we wanted to email you but our network was down too."
Admin turned from being really angry to laughing out loud real quick...

#TheCoronaEffect

Before Corona: (Work From Office)

Boss: Let's have a call.
Me: Sure, allow me some time I am assisting the team on a new feature in the app.
Boss: Ok, ping me as you get free.

----------------------------------------------------------

Now: (Work From Home)

Boss: ***Calls for the 15th time in a day...***
Me: (With Bleeding Ears) Yes sir, am here...!
(Having to pick up every single time as he knows you've got nowhere to go 'coz the whole city is in LockDown)
Boss: ***Talks for another 1 hour with screen share***

My Boss is a bigger threat to my health than Corona now!!!

#GoCoronaGo

senior devops in the school IT dep: "gcc is not working, it keeps telling theres no input files when there is, and its failing most of my builds"

are you sure sir? Give it another go

(Meanwhile my friends managed to sneak a "fixed image")

see? it works.

Senior Devops: " I swear it didn't work"

(we giggle)

check the last build's .bashrc

>alias gcc= (the error message e was referring)

Senior Devops: "MOTHERFUCKERS"

Actually its just your infra that we pushed the image to, school infra is unaffected

I mean it was fun while it lasted.

Client: I want you to build me a website.
Then makes an order on freelancing website.

Me: Okay, Sir. Can you send me your specifications, please?

No reply.

2 days later

Me: Hello, sir....are you still interested?

A week later
Me: Sir.

Me: Sir.....

No reply

2 Weeks later
Me: Sir......

No reply

Client: Oh, sorry.(Then gives some lame excuse) Okay I will send you the specifications.

Me: It's Okay. Waiting for it.

A week later
Me: Sir, you forgot to send me your specifications.

No response.

#Life of a freelancer.....No stability or security or decent clients.

I am receiving this type of one liner mail more often from our clients.

"Application is not working properly."
Me:
Typed : explain properly idiot.
Deleted.
Typed Again: Sir, can you be more specific.
Sent.

Or

"Application is not running."
Me:
Typed : of course it can't run. Bloody hell.
Deleted.
Typed again: inconvenience caused deeply regretted. Our representative will contact you about this.
Sent.

Man i am tired.

True fact!

Had my practical exam yesterday on Data Structures using C.
Had included this in my code
if(!count)
break;

Examiner: What type is count?
Me: Sir, it's an integer.
Then he asked me what was not expected.
Examiner: What does this exclamatory mark do?
In my mind: Now's the right time for the world to end. 😛

- Hello! Gordon's pizza?
- No sir it's Google's pizza.
- So it's a wrong number?
- No sir, Google bought it.
- OK. Take my order please ..
- Well sir, you want the usual?
- The usual? You know me?
- According to our caller ID, in the last 12 times, you ordered pizza with cheeses, sausage, thick crust
- OK! This is it
- May I suggest to you this time ricotta, arugula with dry tomato?
- No, I hate vegetables
- But your cholesterol is not good
- How do you know?
- Through the subscribers guide. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years
- Okay, but I do not want this pizza, I already take medicine
- You have not taken the medicine regularly, 4 months ago, you only purchased a box with 30 tablets at Drugsale Network
- I bought more from another drugstore
- It's not showing on your credit card
- I paid in cash
- But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your bank statement
- I have other source of cash
- This is not showing as per you last Tax form unless you got it from undeclared income source
-WHAT THE HELL? Enough! I'm sick of Google, Facebook, twitter, WhatsApp. I'm going to an Island without internet,where there is no cell phone line and no one to spy on me
- I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport as it has expired 5 weeks ago..

*ring ring*
Me: Hello?
Unknown: We received info that your computer has a wirus
Me: and how do you know?
Unknown: We received a report
(Playing Along)
Me: Ok? How do I fix it?
Unknown: Sir, are you by your computer?
Me: Yes (No, I am at work 😇)
Unknown: Sir, do you see the ctr key?
Me: Yes (here it comes)
Unknown: Do you see the flag picture?
Me: Yes (Getting closer)
Unknown: Press both the flag key and the r key at the same time. (BINGO!!!)
Me: My computer crashed and it is saying your a scammer, so bye.

It is fun to trick scammers!

Scammer calls claiming to be windows security expert.

Them: "sir, your windows computer is sending error code. Please turn it on so I cam Fix it. "

Me: "windows? I have a mac."

Them: "um.... " *hangs up*

Me: gotcha

Which distro did you get?

Last night I met up with some old colleagues for food and drinks to have a catchup. Things have been stressful in work, was great to get out and have a bit of a rant and just relax ... until I saw the menu.

Hamburger:
xyz dressing / sauce, crispy onions ... and cheddar cheese.

That sir, is a fucking cheese burger, and just piss poor documentation. How have you managed to stay in business with such misleading information and false advertisements in your menu.

Thank you for ruing my evening!

Feel like a sir

Me: The phone rings but when I pick up there's nothing there.

Indian call center: Okay sir can you tell me if the landline is plugged into the modem

Me: It's ringing. Yes, it's plugged in.

Indian call center: Okay we'll reset the modem.

Me: I already did that. Twice. Just to be able to speak to you because the robot made me.

Indian call center: Okay so we'll reset your modem again.

*resets*

Indian call center: Do you get a dial tone now?

Me: Yes. I have this entire time. No one can call me.

Indian call center: Sir that is not possible.

Me: Call it and see for yourself.

Indian call center: *calls, phone hangs up for them the second I answer*

Why did you hang up on me, sir?

Me: *internal screaming*

My study's logic every fucking time: (I'm a senior by the way)

Junior: Sir, could you help me out for a minute?

Teacher: I'm busy right now, please fill out the support request form and go ask one of the seniors (yeah, not even kidding)

Junior: Alright, hey dude, could you help me out maybe?

Me: yeah of course, just get your laptop and go sit here next to me!

Other Teacher: Hey you, leave the seniors alone, they've got their own work!

What if Donald Trump (or Drumpf :|) was a developer

"I will make PHP GREAT again"

"I will KICK OUT all NODEJS developers from the office premises"

"I will install a FIREWALL in my system so my colleagues cant access anything "
But sir this is not how it works, besides its very impractical
"And my colleagues will PAY for it"

😉😁😁

when people address you as "sir" or "him" in an email because girl developers apparently aren't a thing. -_-

So my teammate posted on our Slack channel:

^(?=.{1,254}$)(?=.{1,64}@)[-!#$%&‘*+\/0-9=?A-Z^_`a-z{|}~]+(\.[-!#$%&'*+\/0-9=?A-Z^_`a-z{|}~]+)*@[A-Za-z0-9]([A-Za-z0-9-]{0,61}[A-Za-z0-9])?(\.[A-Za-z0-9]([A-Za-z0-9-]{0,61}[A-Za-z0-9])?)*$

Then our manager asked him: "Are you swearing on Slack!?"

No sir, thats Regex.

Why the fuck contributing to opensource is so much pain. They get back to me after 8 months of my open PR. Sir, I don't remember a fucking thing I wrote...

Never understood the importance of ';' .But developer does,I think so :P

Gunnery Sgt. Hartman:
What do you code, anyway?

Pvt. Cowboy:
SIR, JAVA, SIR!

Gunnery Sgt. Hartman:
JAVA? Holy dogshit! Only steers and queers code in Java!! And you don't much look like a steer to me so that kind of narrows it down. Do you suck dick?

Pvt. Cowboy:
SIR, NO, SIR!

Gunnery Sgt. Hartman:
I BET YOU'RE THE KIND OF GUY WHO'D WRITE LEGACY CODE AND NOT HAVE THE COMMON COURTESY TO WRITE ANY COMMENTS.

Me vs a government employee in India...
Me: You should have setup net banking on your website. I had to travel 20 miles to get to your office to make a payment.
Employee: Sir, we do have net banking enabled.
Me: I searched all over your website but couldn't find it.
Employee: Oh! Well, I guess it stopped working since it rained yesterday.

Now seriously, WHAT THE FUCK???
Every single time I have to work with people from a particular country [you have one guess. Yepp, that's the one], I see A-FUCKING-LOOOOOOT of manual work?!?

"can you reboot the server?"
-"sure, let me help you, sir" <20 minutes later> "done"

"can you unlock my account?"
-"yes, just a moment sir" <20 minutes later> "please check now"

"can you restart this environment w/ 200 instances?"
-"yes sir, let me check" <6 hours later> "please check now"
"you've missed 18 containers"
-"oh okay sir, will restart them now" <2hours later> "please check now"
[I am already OoO]

why is it that every time I have to work with you guys I am the one who is automating shit. How come you never think of/do any automata? You are fucking technitians, you should know how. WHY DO YOU ENJOY CLICKING ALL-DAY-LONG????

I'm serious. Why??? I'm struggling to understand...

That glorious moment when you remove a function from your Javascript.

is_internet_explorer()

It's one job was to detect and prompt a user about not using IE on this shit for a stain website - ironically built for IE 😂

You sir, will not be missed 🥳

I've decided that whenever a non technical person be it a client or a non technical PM tells me it's easy or tells me it'll take only x hours, I'm going to tell them to either do it themselves, or let me do my estimate calculation. You don't fucking understand one line of what I do yet you can magically calculate the amount of time I'll take on the task? No fucking thank you sir.

So I met this Professor in my campus recently.. This life-changing conversation followed :
Prof: What are you doing on your laptop?
Me: Sir, I am practicing some coding problems.
Prof : Coding problems? What's your branch?
Me: Electrical Engineering.
Prof: You aren't expected to code. And you aren't taught much coding in your coursework too.
Me : Sir, I take it as a passion and I did learn coding all by myself.
Prof : Rubbish. Learning coding by yourself is similar to saying that you don't require a Prof. to teach you. Just focus on your subjects and stop wasting your time.
Me :Good afternoon, sir. You're right, I did waste my time here.
*Grabs laptop and leaves,hoping he won't be taking any lectures in my next sem. *

Client: “I’m sorry I just don’t understand the issue with the contract?

You said logging into Facebook was easy, what’s the issue with feature X (= complex graph API queries based on opinions and sentiment) and displaying images and videos, it’s the same thing!!!”

... no sir, it is NOT

Yesterday evening I'd been to Lenovo service center to get a battery for my personal laptop.

Sales guy: Sir, I can see that your laptop had Windows 8 when you purchased it. If you want I can give you a one key recovery disc for that.

Me: Thanks a lot sir, but I run Ubuntu on my laptop. And if you are insisting, I can take that recovery media and install it on my uncle's laptop.

Sales guy: I'll get back to you on this.

*End of conversation* 😂

;( really?

???: Salesforce is simply the best. You can do anything you can dream of with it. It can solve all of your pro—

Dev: Sir, this is a Wendy’s.

Software engineering project discussion:
Boy: Sir, my project is a client to manage files stored on different cloud file storage systems at one place
Faculty: Boring idea. Very easy to implement, No scope of scalability, etc
Girl: My project is an app to display the weather information
Faculty: Omg! What an innovative idea! I'm surprised how no one though of this before!

This meeting is not real. There is no spoon

Me at an interview...
interviewer: can u solve a 3-sum problem
me: sir, a threesome is not a problem
interviewer: not threesome, 3-sum
me: OOOOO! that makes sense

So I'm in HS CS and some of us know how to code, and the others are struggling with variables (in python).

One of them asks: "Sir, why are doing python? I heard about java and how it changed the internet and stuff"

So naturally my teacher explains the difference (between JS and Java, in case your captain of the USS dumbass), but then described JS in the best way possible:

"JavaScript is basically the California of programming, its a really weird place where people mix everything up and nothing makes sense"

Do you ever spend an hour editing an email reply to a client before you send it? Trying something akin to alchemy when you attempt to convert snark, veiled contempt, and shock at how stupid the client is into something professional and polite? It’s like trying to bottle farts as fancy perfume.

Like the first draft is:

“Dear idiot,

Please disconnect your computer from the wall and return it to where you bought it from and then never use a computer again you dopey fuck.”

To

“Dear Client,

Yes sir. I’ll have it done for you by tomorrow.”

God it hurts.

Friends' Boss: You're one of the programmers, right?
Friend: Yes sir.
Boss: I need you to fix this layout problem for me.
Friend: But sir, I'm a back end programmer, I hardly know anything about style stuff...
Boss: You're a programmer, you'll figure it out.

That's not how it works, that's not how any of this works.

Skype meeting with bosses be in the middle of the night and I'm drunk as hell.

Uh oh. This sure is fun and troublesome.

How can I be of your help, sir? (Hick)

Sure! I can (belched loudly) do that!

I'd be glad to have your help!

Went to the loo to the point, it's my chance to vomit secretly. Now's the chance to remove the toxin (my head is aching)... and felt so sad when all my food is wasted.

"Dad, our fence is down again"
"Dammit us-west-2"

"Sorry sir, we cant install your new furniture until Spectrum turns on your wifi"

"Warning: you have violated twitter's safety rules - we will be unscrewing your bed frame now"

When will they learn

First (procedural) c++ lectures:

Prof: K guys, go ahead and attempt the homework
Students: sir, how can we have 1 file per exercise?
P: oh, you can't, just make one huge file with multiple functions and rename them to "main" whenever you wanna run them

Me: WHY DO I EVEN PAY FOR THIS BULLSHIT

Ps: not allowed to use classes as that's too hard...

So today I got a new CPU after the old ones were decommissioned. A fresh new desktop.
"Where is my chrome I think."
"Oh ya", I open Internet Explorer, type Google.
Google delightfully asks," Want to try chrome?."
"Yes sir I do."

-This one never gets old!!

*Goes for an interview*

Interviewer reads my resume and goes on to say : "You are the first person today, whose resume doesn't include 'machine learning' ".
Me : *Points towards Machine Learning written in my resume* Sir here it is.

We both have a good laugh about it.

That day i realised that EVERYONE is 'learning' machine learning. EVERYONE.

Made this for work after encountering 500+ line functions in the legacy code.

Teacher: You should plant trees at least on your birthdays. Go green.
Me: I do it daily Sir! Check my Github, its really green.

:D

Finished the hacktober fest yesterday.. fastest 5 PRs I've ever made on my repos, I actually forgot to sign up at the beginning of the month.. I pity those who are following me.

Go a text from the IRS this morning.

Started with "Hello dear" and ended with something along the likes of "sir, please do this sir, thank you sir"

Yeeeeeeeh, definitely legit

Got it in WhatsApp...😃😂😂
I am sure you will have a laugh too

A wealthy manager was driving in his car when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed by the sight, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the manager said.

"But sir, I have a wife and five children with me. They are over there, under that tree".

"Bring them along," the manager replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and seven children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the manager answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as it was.

One of the poor fellows turned to mr. Manager and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The manager replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost 1 meter high!"

Lesson: Never trust managers... They will take u to any extreme to finish their job.

And there is nothing like KIND MANAGERS 😜

Dedicated to all managers and upcoming managers 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂LOL😜😡😡

"If you’re not prepared to be wrong, you’ll never come up with anything original." - Sir Ken Robinson

Sir, we're successfully watching 27 million devices.

Attended an interview, interviewer started calling me sir (Which I took as sarcasm).

Giving so many interviews, I was use to basic oops question. This guy just offers me a job based on my resume.

Felt nice but fishy.

Someone I know lost a job opportunity to an indian "consulting firm" later to be approached by the developers of said firm to help with a joke of a compensation.

This is glorious and one of the primary reasons why I hate trying to freelance.

Just imagine having an email with a thousand "Sir, please give how to do .....sir please this sir please that"

Absolutely gorgeous.

client : show website
me: sir server is down
client : what? I don't know,I want to see my website.
me: sir try to understand it is not my issue
client *call cut*

fucking asshole -_-

for(age=0;age<=life.length;age++){
knowledge++;
}

Client : I am unable to download data from your sever for last 10 days.

Me : Sir, we are sorry to hear that. We are doing some maintenances on our server from this morning today. We request you to call back us in next 4 hours.

Client : But i am facing this problem for last 10 days.

Me: Sir, i heard you. As maintenance is going on it will not be possible to download data this time.

Client: From when this maintenance is going on?

Me: from this morning sir.

Client : but i am facing this probolem for last 10 days.

Me: Sir, you are not understanding it, or may be i am failing to describe the situation to you...

Client: Listen, you guys are incapable. Only knows to make excuse.

Me: Sir..

Client: Sorry to say, i am not Happy with your support. Let me talk to your senior tech guy.

Me : Sir, your problem will be solved in next 4 hours. We will call you as soon as our server went online.

Client: *.....*

It took me 20 minutes to finally make him understand the situation.

Client: Why did not you said that earlier? You guys will have all the time but i do not. Anyway.

He hangs the phone.

My ears are burning man...

When you see what worked for someone else with a similar issue on GitHub and run it.

Trust me, I hope I know what I'm doing too.

And when they confuse javascript with java humanity dies sir humanity dies

So happy to had the chance to participate a keynote of sir Tim Berners-Lee at the Bosch Connected World 2019

Sitting at work listening to music, doing absolutely fuck all right now because I ain't got no tickets! All the mfers need to answer me before I can work on their stuff.

Sounds great, no?

It's not. It's hell being unable to do work for me. I need to busy myself with doing random shit so I don't go insane.

Mhh, coffee...

Oh, by the way, Sir Jav'alot is still around too.

Some smarmy sounding guy: "Hello sir, you're a valued customer here at Comcast, we have a special deal this week, would you like to double your internet speed?"

Me: "Are you gonna throttle it before or after you double it?"

Go deprecate yourself kind sir!

Boss : Did you finish the service app?
Me: Nope, sir you told us to complete the immediate relief website.
Boss: Ok. Did u complete that?
Me: Nope, when it was half you told us to complete the clients web app?
Boss: Oh god. So is that over?
Me: Unfortunately, no sir a month more and we can present the project estimation report if we are free😁😉

My colleague printed a Helldivers helmet for Sir Jav'alot!

Ordering a Pizza in 2022.

CALLER: Is this PizzaHut?

GOOGLE:No sir, it's Google Pizza

CALLER: Sorry, I have dialled wrong number.

GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month.

CALLER:Ok, I would like to order a pizza.

Google:Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER: My usual? You know me?

GOOGLE: your last 12 orders shows, extra-large pizza with cheeses, sausage on a thick crust

CALLER: Awesome! That's what I'll have.

GOOGLE: sir, we suggest you try our Gluten free veg pizza?

CALLER: What? I don't want a veg pizza.

GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir

CALLER: How the hell do you know that?

GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone no. with your medical records

CALLER: Ok, but I don't want your rotten veg pizza! I have taken medication for my cholesterol.

GOOGLE: But your medication wasn't regular. you just bought 30 cholesterol tablets once,4 months ago from Loyd pharmacy.

CALLER: I bought more from another pharmacy.

GOOGLE: That doesn't show on your credit card statement.

CALLER: I paid in cash.

GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

CALLER: WTH man! I'm going on island to live without internet & social media.

GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport. It expired 6 weeks ago.

Several minutes waiting for site to work after clicking on "required cookies only". Is this really what privacy laws were aiming for?

For my job interview, they asked me to write simple Java code to check if the string is palindrome or not! Like sir, I've prepared for advanced quick sort and all algorithms and you ask me this!! 🥺

There was a computer programming teacher in my 1st semester who taught C. He used to have this conventional way of teaching C like other Engineering subjects which was going to more theories before writing actual codes.
These are the conversations with him.
(First day, a guy asks him some questions.)
Guy: Sir, why do we need to learn C? There are other languages used extensively for other tasks like python,etc. Why bother with this boring C?
Teacher: C is used to learn other languages. After learning C, you can easily learn other languages.
Guy: Sir, where is C's application? Where is it used?
Teacher: It is used in academics to lay foundation for students to learn other languages which are used to build softwares.
(Fucking Hilarious)

(A month after he was asking some questions to students.)
Teacher: What is an array? What is an array-name?
Student 1: Array, is this collection of data that can be stored in a single type.
Teacher: Then what is an array-name?
Student 1: I don't know.
Teacher: (angrily) Array-name is a definition itself.
(We were supposed to answer that. It was a standard definition.)

!dev

> Be me
> Birthday today, spend entire day in hospitals due to my beloved's cancer (see previous rants)
> After an entire tiring day, decide to order Chinese food from restaurant in région.
> Call, difficult to make him understand my order although being a native Belgian... After 10 minutes order placed.
> Drive to restaurant to come to pick up
> "It's 121 in total"
> "Wait you said 98"
> " No sir I did not say that"
> Ok fine I'm hungry
> We don't use debit card here ?
> Comeagain.gif
> I got 115 on me in cash.
> "Sorry sir we can't give you a discount on the order" despite advertising the discount
> "Why not? You advertising says so"
> "We haven't changed that yet."
> "So what now?"
> Guy puts back box in the back
> Ok that's clear enough for me.

Walk away, fed up.

Now I am in another restaurant, ordered the same amount-ish and got cheaper off and got even a small beverage for free while waiting!

-Client: I have a problem.My pc says I need a snake to run this program.
-IT guy: Please sir,tell exactly what it says.
-Client: You need Python to run this program.
-IT guy: *hits his head on the keyboard

Taxi Driver: Do you like this song Sir?
Me: Not sure, I don't know it!
Taxi Driver: Alexa, change the song...
Me:...

A programmer walks into a café and orders a double mocha. The barista replies, "sorry, sir we have floats only". :3

Once upon a time we were normal remote professionals and our sprint meetings were characteristically professional, no more, no less.

Until.

one of our juniors, a Southern sports-bro type, suddenly started saying "SIR" to the scrum master in literally every sentence.

"Good morning sir". "Yes sir." "Thank you sir." "I can do that sir."

SOMEHOW this plague caught on to half of the male members of our team like we're in the military or something. We have ONE veteran and ZERO Indians and I can't think of a logical explanation for why we're suddenly sir-ing each other and people who aren't even high level executives.

Boss: we will build mobile app with web app.
Me: absolutely yes.
Boss: you will do the mobile app (iOS)
Me: absolutely , yes I'm iOS developer.
Boss: you will do the android app too, we can't hired an android developer.
Me: absolutely, yes.(but I need to learn it first).
Boss: you will do the web app , it's difficult to find good web developer)
Me: absolutely,yes . I'm Ruby on Rails developer.
After a while........
Me: do I have a bonus ,sir.
Boss: ...............
(there is no response).
Me: ....................

Boss: ABC
Me: as an intern at XYZ firm.

ABC: this is internet is very slow today, AmanDeep what happen check it.

me: Sir,there are too much user on the wifi.

ABC:So how we can disconnect them without their knowing.

me: We have to deauth all of their connection using fluxion.

ABC: Do it fast...
me: its take time to be done, you have to do by linux.

ABC: I had done it before in my high school on cmd you and your excuses for the work.You are lame at work...
...\../..
\......../
Me: Now i am searching a new internship...

Look here sir. If I have raised 12 defects on the feature you were working on its not a personal attack... I am not trying to publicly humilate you or doubting your ninja coding skills. We are on the same team. Just trying to make a better product that's my job as qa. So chill out with passive aggressive comments on the tickets.

You don't hear me making a peep when you take my name and say I missed the issue if someone higher up points out the same defects.

"Coding se darr nahi lagta Sahab, Unit Tests likhne se lagta"

"Coding doesn't scare me Sir, writing Unit Tests does"

As a fresher, UTs scare me.

why people around me act like dump. i have recently worked with this site, which is written in php.

customer: (yelling) my website is hacked, fix it immediately
me : ok sir, we will restore your site immediately

after finishing talk with customer. i have checked website, there is no sign of website being hacked. i have checked server logs and website for security breach, there is no sign.

me: your website is not hacked, sir. can you please tell me where you have seen hacked page.
customer: look at those pages

after seen that page i facepalmed myself. it's a bug, person who created that page just splitted string without using any multibyte function, so page is showing with corrupted characters. i fixed it and problem solved. i have told about that bug, to the person who created that page.

me: hey you have used this function which is not able to handle multibyte characters, you should use multibyte character functions for that one.
person: every characters are the same. we shouldn't need to handle that way.

he is actually a senior developer. who don't even know the difference between unicode and ascii characters.

[dec. 21]
lead: thanks for completing all the docs, i'll review them so you can do the revisions next week

[dec. 22]
me: sir, any feedback on the first few? so i can work on them while you review the others
lead: i'll send them EOD

[dec. 26]
was notified by our manager that our lead is on leave til 27. didn't get any email or anything for review points

[dec. 28]
lead: so how's the revisions doing?
me: done. if you can review them again...

almost end of day, haven't heard anything from him yet.

innocent allo :p
my new friend <3

Why red herring is important between discussions.

My daughter: Papa! See this is my name and this is the name of my Sir.

I: No my little princess!! This is our surname.

My daughter: oh ok!! Who is that?

I: Ummm... (No answer) Wow!! You're wearing a beautiful dress today...

This is a good Experience -

I used to go to a class to learn C++(was a kid back then).

One of the sir there told me -
"Anybody can write code,just knowing coding is not enough,idea is more important.You should have good ideas and solutions,you can alaways find people to code for you"

This has stuck with me till this day.

!rant
Stephen Hawking's dead, noooooo
His books were half the reason I chose science and technology, damnit, and I've spent quite a while on black holes and his work on them.

You inspired whole generations of people, sir. Thank you. RIP.

:(

So our last project was a hybrid application in Cordova
During client meeting:

Client (digital mobile lead) : So we have to integrate Nodejs in our App

Me: huh :|||

BD guy: yes SIR, yes SIR

Me: we cant integrate like that, both are different things and have different applications :|

Client: I am told that Nodejs is FAST and its Javascript

BD guy: yes SIR, yes SIR

Me: but (just started to explain the difference)

Client: we need to increase the 'bandwidth', we want another senior resource for this project

BD guy: yes SIR, yes....

Me: what the FUCK :|

Oh my God. Did any of you catch Sundar from Google being grilled by Congress yesterday?

It is so embarrassing watching congressman who think they know technology ask questions did somebody who actually is technically proficient. you would think they would have hired somebody at least to educate them first before looking like an ass on TV.

It look like I asked my janitor to interview our next developer.

So funny though over his left shoulder there's a guy that looks like Sir topham hatt from Monopoly. Hahahahahahh not kidding black top hat and big white mustache.

That kind of boss who give you a task one minute before you leave your desk to home.
Me inside: I hate you, very much, sir.

Ugh, I hate when customers refuse to pay for staging systems but then randomly complain about stuff that's WIP and not working as expected yet ...

"Yes, sir, this house doesn't have a roof right now because the basement isn't done yet."

I feel like the Jenkins logo is just trolling me when this happens 5 minutes before the end of the day on a 3 hour build.....I hate you sir.

Public test of an assignment I had to do

@dfox @trogus Hooked me up with a second set of stickers! Thank you sir now i get to trick of my 3d printer 😁 Lol i took this picture forever ago and forgot to post

Backend Dev: Sir, I think we have a problem with our code. The function does have a lot of bugs in production that we can't maintain it.

Manager: Okay Front-end. You get a new Ticket. Prevent this bug by today

Front-end: Dafuck

Sometimes, I feel sorry for my colleague.

Client: "documentation, oh you mean those grey texts the previous code guy wrote on the code files"

Me: I kinda need more than "grey texts on the code files" if you want me to actually fix the system and implement the new specs.

Client: oh you mean the Microsoft asp books

Me: It's a Laravel system sir, it's php not asp.net

Client: what are those?

Me:.................