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A wild Darwin Award nominee appears.
Background: Admins report that a legacy nightly update process isn't working. Ticket actually states problem is obviously in "the codes."
Scene: Meeting with about 20 people to triage the issue (blamestorming)
"Senior" Admin: "update process not working, the file is not present"
Moi: "which file?"
SAdmin: "file that is in ticket, EPN-1003"
Moi: "..." *grumbles, plans murder, opens ticket*
...
Moi: "The config dotfile is missing?"
SAdmin: "Yes, file no there. Can you fix?"
Moi: "Engineers don't have access to the production system. Please share your screen"
SAdmin: "ok"
*time passes, screen appears*
Moi: "ls the configuration dir"
SAdmin: *fails in bash* > ls
*computer prints*
> ls
_.legacyjobrc
Moi: *sees issues, blood pressure rises* "Please run list all long"
SAdmin: *fails in bash, again* > ls ?
Moi: *shakes* "ls -la"
SAdmin: *shonorable mention* > ls -la
*computer prints*
> ls -la
total 1300
drwxrwxrwx- 18 SAdmin {Today} -- _.legacyjobrc
Moi: "Why did you rename the config file?"
SAdmin: "Nothing changed"
Moi: "... are you sure?"
SAdmin: "No, changed nothing."
Moi: "Is the job running as your account for some reason?"
SAdmin: "No, job is root"
Moi: *shares screenshot of previous ls* This suggests your account was likely used to rename the dotfile, did you share your account with anyone?
SAdmin: "No, I rename file because could not see"
Moi: *heavy seething* so, just to make sure I understand, you renamed a dotfile because you couldn't see it in the terminal with ls?
SAdmin: "No, I rename file because it was not visible, now is visible"
Moi: "and then you filed a ticket because the application stopped working after you renamed the configuration file? You didn't think there might be a correlation between those two things?"
SAdmin: "yes, it no work"
Interjecting Director: "How did no one catch this? Why were there no checks, and why is there no user interface to configure this application? When I was writing applications I cared about quality"
Moi: *heavy seething*
IDjit: "Well? Anyone? How are we going to fix this"
Moi: "The administrative team will need to rename the file back to its original name"
IDjit: "can't the engineering team do this?!"
Moi: "We could, but it's corporate policy that we have no access to those environments"
IDjit: "Ok, what caused this issue in the first place? How did it get this way?!"
TFW you think you've hit the bottom of idiocy barrel, and the director says, "hold my mango lassi."27 -
TFW you see Apple selling display stands for 999$ and you don't care because you never have to use an Apple device anyways.
3 -
Tfw everyone uses a cute duck or little animal as a debugging buddy, and then there's me...
I like this one tho. :)
34 -
TFW your client's git policies are so draconian that the dev teams use "develop" as trunk, and completely ignore the release process.
I wrote up 50 pages of git standards, documentation and procedure for a client. Bad indian director 9000 decides the admin (also Indian) who specializes in Clearcase and has no git or development experience is more qualified to decide and let's him set the policy.
FF to today:
- documentation, mostly contradictory, is copy pasted from the atlassian wiki
- source tree is the standard
- no force pushing of any branches, including work branches
- no ff-merge
- no rebasing allowed
- no ssh, because he couldn't figure it out...errr it's "insecure"
- all repos have random abbreviated names that are unintelligible
- gitflow, but with pull requests and no trust
- only project managers can delete a branch
- long lived feature branches
- only projects managers can conduct code reviews
- hotfixes must be based off develop
- hotfixes must go in the normal release cycle
- releases involve creating a ticket to have an admin create a release branch from your branch, creating a second ticket to stage the PR, a third ticket to review the PR (because only admins can approve release PRs), and a fourth ticket to merge it in
- rollbacks require director signoff
- at the end of each project the repo must be handed to the admin on a burned CD for "archiving"
And so no one actually uses the official release process, and just does releases out of dev. If you're wondering if IBM sucks, the answer is more than you can possibly imagine.11 -
tfw your Uni claims they support Linux but the proprietary software they supply to connect to their Internet only runs on Ubuntu.
5 -
tfw...
• dude chews you out for broken code
• wait patiently for dude to finish
• head on down to "git blame" town
• show him that _he_ was the author of said broken code
• tell dude to take a seat
🤫🤫🤫2 -
Tfw when removing this 9gb trash of software takes longer than reinstalling entire operating system from start..
5 -
*sees a hint suggestion in Netbeans*
*Alt + Enter*
"Hmm, makes sense. "
*Chooses suggestion but error line still pertains*
"Eh...."
*Alt + Enter confusingly*
*sees a suggestion that changes everything back to original*
TFW IDE plays with you more than your girlfriend :(4 -
TFW someone tells you that you're not a "real frontend developer" and then repeatedly asks for CSS help... 😒3
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TFW you inadvertently blow up a production site..
"This shouldn't break anything.."
*3 minutes and 10 emails later*
"Oh shit, that broke EVERYTHING!"2 -
tfw you compile another time cause even though the code doesn't run, you're sure you made no mistakes
3 -
>Barely ever written python before
>Gets added to a python group project
>Codes the part I'm associated with
>Runs fine after about 19 tries
>Puts it together with other people's code
>Syntax error
>Searches for the error for 2 and a half hours
>tfw other people use 4 spaces instead of a tab like I do and pythong can't handle it :(3 -
tfw going to bed with some unsolved coding problems and waking up at night with a solution... i love the human brain.4
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TFW you spend 30 minutes debugging an app that isn't working right only to find out it's working exactly as it's supposed you, you just forgot you put that bit in there that does that thing.
One character change later and it's working perfectly. ONE CHARACTER! THIRTY BASTARD MINUTES! I just spent thirty minutes driving through every line of code and coming closer to the conclusion that Java was doing some kind of strange thing with dropping objects from memory. No, it wasn't Java that had memory problems, it's me! Just check me into the old peoples home now so I can spend my day pissing my pants and making lewd comments at the nurses because that's all I'm fucking useful for at this point!!
I need a coffee.5 -
LPT: NEVER accept a freelance job without looking at the project's source first
Client: I have a project made by a company that is now abandoning it, I want you to fix some bugs
Me: Okay, can you:
1) Give me a build to test the current state of the game
2) Tell me what the bugs are
3) Show me the source
4) Tell me your budget
Client: *sends a list of 10 bugs* Here's the APK and to give you the project I'll need you to sign an NDA
Me: Sure...
*tests build*
*sees at least 20 bugs*
*still downloading source*
*bugs look quite easy to fix should be done under an hour*
Me: Okay, so, I can fix each bug for $10 and I can do 2 today
Client: Okay can you fix 8 bugs today for $40??
*sigh*
Me: No I cannot.
Client: okay then 2 today for $20 is fine, I want a refund if you can't fix them today
*sigh*
Me: Look dude, this isn't the first time I am doing this, aight? I'll fix the bugs today you can pay me after check they are done, savvy?
Client: okay
*source is downloaded*
*literal apes wrote the scripts, commented out code EVERYWHERE
Debug logs after every line printing every frame causing FPS drops, empty objects in the scene
multiple unused UI objects
everything is spaghetti*
*give up, after 2 hours of hell*
*tfw averted an order cancellation by not taking the order and telling client that they can pay me after I am done*
Attached is an image of a level object pool
It's an array with each element representing a level.
The numbers and "Final" are ids for objects in an object pool
The whole string is .Split(',') into an array (RIP MEMORY BTW) and then a loop goes through each element in the split array and instantiates the object from an object pool
5 -
TFW when just an hour of peer programming solve all your problems that have been bogging you down for a week.
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Tfw when you try to make your first rant and you have no idea what to talk about because there are hundreds of things that you can rant about and so you end up making a generic "I'm new here, please help me!" post.
I love computers :)7 -
TFW you realize you're the first dev at your company to ever run a database schema comparison between dev and live.1
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TFW you’ve been trying to debug an issue for over an hour and you find out you typed:
variable1 == variable2
Instead of
variable1 = variable2
AARRGGHHHHJJHHHHHRIFNRIDKEJXJDJ!!!!!!!9 -
Tfw nobody but your mom remembers your birthday. I just became 20 but holy shit I didn't think I would experience the world of an adult this quick20
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tfw you're new to devRant, you post a rant and sleep, and.. you wake up with 37 notifications
lol this place is nice5 -
!rant
TFW your graphics ASM code works on the first try.
Yes, it just happened to me, and it's a relatively annoying rectangle drawing routine.
Writing complicated ASM code and making it work on the first try is definitely a new thing to me, I feel so powerful! >:D4 -
Tfw your work pc boots so slowly, that you have time to go to the cafeteria to get some tea and when you return it still hasnt booted.8
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Tfw you accidentally chmod'ed the entire root of your cloud server, because you've misplaced a "/".. Thank god, that there is such a thing called a 'backup'.
The amount of sweat and stress I had when the SSH disconnected and I couldn't log back in, the Apache and MySQL services that began to throw failures..
It's on moments like this, that you really appreciate the 24/7 customer-support! 😂
And all this while I was at my job, working for another company.. -
Tfw GitHub app is forcing you to push to master and you do so because you're an idiot, and your agnostic ass starts praying to god(s) nothing goes wrong.2
-
tfw...
• the new "sr dev" asks what the point of TDD is
• being polite, I answer in an ELI5 format
• rest of the room nods head in agreement
• new "sr dev" still has baffled look on face -
Tfw you *have* to tell the client it's *technically* possible, but at the cost of work and complexity... and they come back with "let's simplify the whole thing then" *.*1
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TFW when one of your side projects that you couldn't get approval for 1 additional resource magically creates work for 11 IBM GS assholes. Isn't application maintenance supposed to reduce headcount?
Fuck em.
🦄🔫 -
TFW your company does a security test by sending out a mystery link to everyone which tracks how many people have clicked it and then just redirects to "Never gonna give you up"!4
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TFW you’ve already ranted about something and you run into the same motherfucking situation again so you need another way to vent.1
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Windows users can't meme.
>tfw osx is more versatile than windows because of Unix structure
>tfw you don't have admin permissions
>tfw your doing important work but you get a forced update because you can't handle your own system
I am a Linux user myself but OSX is a lot more powerful, I don't understand windows fan boyism? The only thing good about windows is their application and game support and a lot of that can be fixed with wine on OSX and Linux
3 -
EDIT: !rant, forgot tags, sorry :(
Tfw your new laptop CPU gets the same performance as your 10y.o. desktop and is 10x more power efficient.
Ryzen 5 2500U (2018):
> 4c/8t
> 2GHz base / 3.6 turbo
> 15W TDP
Xeon W3520 (2009):
> 4c/8t
> 2.7GHz base / 2.9 turbo
>130W TDP
Running new hardware feels great.3 -
Tfw your Boss had just ordered two oscilloscopes each worth about 1.2k$. And a few days later I show up with my scope, which had cost me like 400$. And he's like: I think I have ordered some garbage. Your's can do just as much as the ones I've ordered!4
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TFW you try using the keyboard shortcuts from your text editor while writing an email and it doesn’t work 😞3
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TFW you google an error and all you get are GitHub issues with rambling conversation and no resolution. Marginally better than having no relevant responses IMHO.1
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tfw I get called smart for just helping a lad having a welcome splash from node-canvas buffer.
Well, you sometimes love people giving you gratitude, doesn't it?
-
TFW you hear noise from the kitchen at 2AM, you go to check it out and it is your brother opening a can of SPAM, getting the content out of the can, chopping an onion (crying while doing so) and then just holding back laughter all the way back to our room.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂3 -
Tfw when you're lying down falling asleep and realize you didn't commit your work but you turned off your computer.3
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tfw 256MB isn't enough RAM to load a zImage from SD, decompress it elsewhere, then boot Linux on a 3DS. OOM panic when trying to init a null wlan driver.
so close yet so very fucking far2 -
TFW when you do a git reset HEAD --hard because nothing works anymore for unknown reasons, and the moment you press Enter, you realize that you havent committed or pushed any of your work for the last three days or so...7
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TFW looking at the regex for the password validation is easier than trying to decipher wtf they want16
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tfw you're the only female dev in the room surrounded by men in brotanks, their protein powders, soylent, and gym bags 🙃7
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TFW you call BS on a client/colleague's actions, they concede and you feel guilty for confroting them.
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TFW you stay up until midnight on a Sunday to see next week's weekly rant question, but it doesn't get changed...2
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TFW you add a substantial portion of code, without testing every little step, then you run it and everything works.
Wish I could experience it one day.2 -
TFW you learn that trim(null) equals empty string in PHP.
I´m starting to understand why people seem to dislike PHP.6 -
TFW you find out there's a Korean webtoon about anthropomorphic web browsers. And it's pretty accurate.
https://webtoons.com/en/challenge/...2 -
TFW your boss likes you enough to set up a full-time offer for you. 😗
TFW the offer is $20K below the average salary. 😬 -
TFW your place of employment is slowly self-destructing because the owners have their heads in the sand.
Time for an exit strategy.3 -
TFW the mock class has way more code than the real one.
Testing big infrastructures can be a pain...
Or maybe my team is just not so good at it.
My time spent:
Adding new feature to the real class 15%
Extending the mock with the same feature 55%
Writing tests 30%7 -
Tfw you have to reverse engineer a $50000 machine with practically zero documentation and all vendor specific hardware and software!
Has anybody else been through this ? -
TFW you open a StackOverflow question only to find the answer you need in the question itself and not even in a comment or answer.
-
tfw you have matured enough as a developer to look at old legacy code (some of which you contributed to) from a hacked together UI Frankenstein kludge and immediately you notice all the security flaws.
How fortunate there is strong query param validation going on...otherwise this would be a veritable shit storm. -
TFW you are finally making progress on a project... and a ticket comes in. Ok, just knock that out... intern needs help. Ok, real quick, I'll help my man out... boss wants to discuss a new project. Ok... what was I working on?
-
TFW you realize you only have 2 days left until your school-leaving exams.... I'm so fucking nervous right now... Aaand apparently our city has won a soccer match, I can pretty much hear everything that's happening at the stadium... there also seems to be some big rap concert somewhere in the city... I can't open the window otherwise I'll have to listen to all that noise.5
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Thanks a lot NVidia... Kinda feels like this is becoming a weekly thing for me 🙄
(Also tfw you find your backup-file in the trash-directory of the ext. harddrive)
3 -
TFW idiots use FFmpeg without looking at the license, and then spend two months compiling it themselves.
2 -
That face you make when your friends have been talking about the Google "View Image" button all morning, and you couldn't care less because you use DuckDuckGo
-
TFW you discover that new song that brings joy to life.
And then you repeat that song too many times and start to hate it.8 -
TFW when you've been trying to figure out why your apparently flawless JPA database query won't return anything and realize you forgot to populate the database after setting up the docker-image....
-
> tfw linux disciples feel sooooo cool about being all techy, talking from a high horse while they almost always miss the point and never ever really landed in the economical reality6
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TFW you complete a TopCoder problem in 20 lines of code, only to find another solution done with 4 lines and you have to spend 15 minutes just to understand it..1
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Tfw you accepted a project you thought you "can" work on, but over time it turns out that you won't be able to finish the project on time.
:')7 -
TFW you put your local changes on a flash drive, drive 35 km away and notice that you forgot the drive. So you go back to get the drive the next day, take it and hightail it back. Then, the next day, you copy your changes over and are about to start developing when...
6 -
tfw you gotta get used to MS buying everything.
cancerSoft beta rev 0.0.0730832-48-0424249582017-42
Now coming as a fidget spinner firmware download near you. -
TFW the wife calls asking about her website being down, and you realize Amazon S3 is having trouble.1
-
Tfw you comment on somebody's rant which clears everything up but negates what they said so they delete the rant.4
-
At the end of my shift I updated my work linux with corporate update, shutdown and go home. Next day I come to work, try to boot up but ends up in kernel panic.
tfw I lost my personal scripts and projects.
tmw when whole department has bricked computers.2 -
Tfw you're done with dealing with idiotic bug reports ("Game crashed pls fix", "Not working pls fix", like that) you force the bug reporters to read a copy-pasted version of Simon Tatham's Bug Reporting Guide (https://chiark.greenend.org.uk/~sgt...) on a page before going to the bug reporting page and set a minimum of 100 words in the bug report filter just to filter the BS.
EDIT #1: Spelling errors1 -
TFW you realize it's Monday, and you forgot the where clause in your SQL Statement
(22 row(s) affected)2 -
tfw my asp project at VS 2015 and 2010. returning result differently. got error at VS2015 and runs awesomely good at VS2010
then i was like : wtf("compability","what the hell just going on??!!") -
TFW when you have to solve that problem that has snowballed into a huge problem now that you initially saw it as a "I'm sure this wouldn't be a big issue in the future" kinda problem.
#FML1 -
tfw when you request for a nice feature and the devs respond with: "ye, we don't care even the slightest, do it yourself"...2
-
Tfw the contractors in India are striking but you have a deadline to meet so the PM dumps all their work onto you even though you were already rushing to meet a different deadline.2
-
tfw your family sends you to alcohol rehabilitation because you had 3000 searches about Wine in your history1
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TFW my I have the same problem with Behat (ref. my last rant) on both Linux and Windows environment 😓😓😓😓
-
Tfw you find a comment saying something needs to be tested when the system is in prod.
Narrator: they did in fact not test it when the system was in production -
Tfw your algorithm ain't even that great compared to the others, but you still hit a 18/20 cause you did the project in the teacher's language and alone :maximum_dabbing:
-
Tfw u spend days making little UI improvements + adding handy features but the only feedback you get is "wait what changed lol" 😢2
-
Tfw can't get internships on topics I'm really good at but get shortlisted right away for some internship for which I have no skills whatsoever.
-
TFW a method is acting weirdly, and after much investigation you find that you forgot to change the contents of the method when you copied it.
-
Tfw you tell the guy in charge you can't make it for the meeting that evening, and he says there is no meeting, but you're too tired to tell if he's joking or not. Fml
-
TFW you come back from the holidays, forget to read the notes you left yourself and spend a half hour writing code you toss when you realise what you were supposed to be doing.
-
tfw when a library's test are passing but when you implement it, the same library's (dependency) test are failing.
*Raises an issue on GitHub*
MY 4 COMMITS ARE FAILING SINCE LAST 4 HOURS -
tfw a company jvm takes 10 minutes to start because it is bloated with shared libraries it doesn't need.
-
TFW you started coding in python and then you try to code in other languages but you always forget that damn ;1
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TFW you get to work and your colleague is like : "Hey boyo you got bugS to fix on that code we pushed into production"
As I was just having a better outlook on my life -
TFW you can’t figure out why your code is only running once, then realize that you forgot to put it in a loop.
(It’s in a try catch block so my brain interpreted that as a loop) -
!rant
TFW your company decides to use 'ALT-Enter' as a quick fix shortcut in their tools aimed at non-devs -
Tfw you quit your job and *patiently* wait for resignation period to be over. Reason being, as always, management.2
-
TFW when errors like this happen while trying to buy a laptop online from one of the biggest tech companies in the world.
1 -
TFW you know you're going to be seen as a sort of code anarch or unenlightened (foo)barbarian for even suggesting that there are other git workflows more suitable than GitFlow, but you do it anyway.
Saying that I keep my master unprotected feels like telling Grandma I worship Satan.
I work with a very small team that's always physically nearby, we all get along well, trust each other and communicate to know what everyone is up to, which I guess is hard to believe in and of itself, but is it so fucking hard to believe that we'd be okay without redundant eternal branches or a vomitload of unbisectable history-warping merge commits? -
TFW they decide to dump the enterprise application you have built from the bottom unto the wrong hands...
-
TFW video freezes because of buffering and plays after a minute of waiting, then 5 seconds later buffering starts again. Gee, I just want you to keep playing whatever is possible, not stare at the screen poorly awaiting next 5 seconds of content! Rewind a bit, I dunno, just don't tease me like that...
-
TFW 'this' in functions loses its context when in promise chains and none of the blogs mentioned it :^)1
-
tfw you predict a windows build fucking shit up more than usual 3 days early using twitter
5/29: https://forbes.com/sites/...
5/26:
8 -
...tfw management shifts your priorities suddenly, for the next 2 days, and it requires that you completely alter your environment from what you have been building up for the last two weeks...
-
Tfw you see "So here is the magic behind the following." as coding comment the day after you declared a separate modification that you made as "witchcraft".
-
TFW you have to ask if Google is ACTUALLY down, or if you messed up your local network settings and cut yourself off from half of the Internet again.1
-
TFW when you are coding an import for a client and their source data is an inexcusable mess that should be killed with fire. At least thrice.
Seriously, someone should be held responsible for this kind of crap. -
>tfw when the code examples can't be downloaded anymore and no one made a full archive of the downloads
-
TFW you realize that using git to track your dotfiles was a really good idea!
echo "Oh shit, I overwrote my ssh keys"
`git checkout .ssh/id_rsa`
`git checkout .ssh/id_rsa.pub` -
tfw you're learning a new library and a function gives an error suggesting xyz in data. You assume you're using the function wrong. 5 hours later...turns out there is xyz in data ya big dummy!
-
tfw you're so tired of being sick and your body betraying you you start eyeing fucking 400$ emf protection pendants
fuck I hate my life3 -
Tfw a client wants his email signature to work on Outlook on Windows and claims that it has worked perfectly before. Looked at their old signature on Outlook and it's worse than shit.
-
TFW the only thing stopping you from using Chrome on an archaic application is one-hundred lines of JavaScript. The typical user-agent switcher didn't even work.
-
TFW your laptop battery dies twice as fast as yesterday because you're compiling all the things ... but you don't want to go back inside yet.
I'll stay out here just 2 more percent, then I'll grab the charger. -
TFW you’re trying to balance the volume on a tut in one window and YouTube playlist vol in another…just need a halfway between YouTube’s lowest vol setting and mute 🙄7
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Tfw when you left your earphones at your parents home and you don't have any spare earphones at your own home.
Well, guess I'll just have to hear all the gossiping and whatevs in the office for the whole week1 -
TFW your collegues rename and refactor everything, don't comment on their commits and then break EVERYTHING when you merge their changes into your branch. FFS.
-
Tfw I've awaited love live sunshine season 2 for long time but I might need to do overtime again
Gosh. I hope not going to.. -
Tfw you only have an hour to code and all the other computers don't work and the one that works needs to update.
Helo -
tfw you find a bug in a toolchain using unmodded 10 year old code that's so bad it needs an entire branch to test on
https://github.com/ps3dev/PSL1GHT/...
This is probably the biggest contribution i'll make to anything -
So tomorrow I'm gonna tackle my last exam for my MSc presenting the "group project" aka I did it myself (tfw ur mates can't even matlab at least) thingie and sustain the most brutal oral examination in the whole 5 years on organic industrial chemistry.
Wish me luck.
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