Ranted about that porn work prank.

Forgot a joke the senior linux engineer pulled with me.

I came back from the toilet and sat down. Logged in. Cursor was on the left screen. Looked away and then back. Cursor was on the right screen.

*wait what? hmm must be my memory.*
*looks away and turns back*
*wait did that cursor just move.....?*
*damn what's up with me...?!?*
*turns around and looks back VERY quickly*
*cursor moves all over the screen*

*looks at front usb inputs*
*notices a wireless receiver*

*laughing from the corner where the senior linux engineer is sitting*

MOTHERFUCKER.

1. The quality of the coffee and toilet paper you encounter during an interview tells you more than promises about table tennis or fruit baskets.

2. Try to determine who their primary client is: subscribers, app buyers, advertisers, etc. It's a major influence on the company dynamic.

3. Before an interview, you can just say: "I would like to sit down with a PO and run through one backlog feature and one bug, to get a feel for the type of tasks at the company". Such an activity immediately reveals team structure, whether they have product owners & scrum masters, what a sprint looks like, how they prioritize tasks, and how organized/chaotic your work experience will be.

A ten minute task can be finished in a minute when you think in the toilet.

Proven by experience

"Let me review your code, I used to work as a toilet cleaner"

Hey everyone!

devRant will be going down on Friday, July 7th around 10:30pm EDT so we can do some database maintenance and restructuring of our cluster. It hopefully won't be down for more than about 30 minutes or so, and during that time you should see our "down for maintenance" message.

If you usually use devRant while you're on the toilet (we know many do!), we apologize and suggest you try to schedule around this!

Please let me know if you have any questions and apologies for the inconvenience.

Another benefit of working from home: PRIVATE TOILET.

One fucking toilet for 15 people is not enough.

Toilets and race conditions!

A co-worker asked me what issues multi-threading and shared memory can have. So I explained him that stuff with the lock. He wasn't quite sure whether he got it.

Me: imagine you go to the toilet. You check whether there's enough toilet paper in the stall, and it is. BUT now someone else comes in, does business and uses up all paper. CPUs can do shit very fast, can't they? Yeah and now you're sitting on the bowl, and BAMM out of paper. This wouldn't have happened if you had locked the stall, right?

Him: yeah. And with a single thread?

Me: well if you're alone at home in your appartment, there's no reason to lock the door because there's nobody to interfere.

Him: ah, I see. And if I have two threads, but no shared memory, then it is as if my wife and me are at home with each a toilet of our own, then we don't need to lock either.

Me: exactly!

!rant
A few days ago a friend of mine rang me up complaining about internet issues with his computer. As usual I did the "is it plugged in, turn it off then on again" sort of thing to waste time while my pasta was cooking. After a while he asked if I had another bogus solution, so I suggested flushing his toilet.

He runs off, I hear the flush, comes back and viola - it fucking worked.

The point of this is: if it don't work, flush the toilet. You're welcome, tech support out ✌️

- Everything works 10 minutes before presentation
- Nothing works on presentation
- Cry myself in toilet after presentation

devRant; The new reason why I take my phone to the toilet!

You can tell how much a company cares about their employees by a quality of toilet paper 😂

I sometimes correct people's PRs from under the shower or from the toilet, but my favorite place to code are in the dune forests (Netherlands).

Most unusual place would be operating room at the hospital though, getting my leg/foot bugfixed after a car accident. I asked the surgeon if it was OK if I brought my phone in, to distract myself, so I went through some code cleanup tasks.

A Man from the toilet shouts to his wife :
- Darling, darling, do you hear me?!!!!
- What happened, did you run out of toilet paper?
- No, restart the router, please!

After joining devrant I spend twice the time sitting on the toilet which results in my right leg falling asleep and me trying to stumble my way out of the bathroom looking like a hideous creature of the night.

Few of us went to the break. After 20 minutes or so, this one guy just stands up, says he’ll be right back, and leaves. We figured he went to the toilet or something. He never came back

Thank you devRant for being my toilet companion!!

Thanks devrant. Ive been on the toilet for over an hour now😣😣

My boss literally spends half an hour finger-fucking his phone on the mobile site to find "bugs", that I can't replicate. A combination like: swipe, pinch, landscape, portrait, back pinch, open new tab, close tab, ash cigarette on phone, dunk in toilet, dry, double tap... Aha I've found a bug, there's 0.5 pixel line of space between the bag header and the browser bar.

Sometimes the chair might also be a toilet seat.

Source: TechWorm

That moment when you've been sat on the toilet reading devRant so long that your legs have gone dead so when you try to stand up you faceplant the opposite wall :-/

devRant is bad for my health !

EDIT: what's more embarrassing is I lay on the floor writing this rant.

Asking a developer to repair a printer is like asking a real estate developer to repair a toilet

Some psychopath in my office keeps refilling the toilet rolls so they roll out towards the wall.

The office toilet chronicles - episode 2

Someone here has a fucking sprinkler where they should have a penis. Is it so hard to aim? Or fucking sit?

Misunderstanding is like running ftp server on port 80!
Ftp responses for http request!
In real life it happens like this

need a good idea for app or game? follow this quick guide.

1. prepare a notebook.
2. prepare a pen.
3. go to toilet.
4. start writing the ideas.
5. make millions.

Thanks devrant

Toilet seat with a laptop table in front.

The only moment I can focus.
Nobody can disturb me.
The duck also love to swim in the bath.
I can even fap when looking at my sexy code.
I don't need to travel when I gonna pee or poop. Saved me a lot of time.

The person who found this toilet paper company, probably was a programmer. Also probably the best way to describe Array with an Object

Almost got my manhood out at work.

There I was in deep thought needing the toilet but wanted to get a coffee first. So I get up go to the kitchen and catch myself next to the bin unzipping.

Goes to take a shit, opens toilet lid

"We are updating our privacy policies....."

So today the Manager told my coworker that "going to the toilet" is an excuse. We all work from home, "eating", "shiting", and anything other than work is considered excuses.

What in the bloody fuckery fuck is this?

The office toilet chronicles - episode 3

Someone left shit on the toilet seat. That's right. Shit. On the toilet seat.

This is the second time this happens. I'm working with fucking monkeys here. One of these days they'll start throwing feces at each other. I just hope I'll be long gone when it happens.

Recently buyed some toilet paper.

Now i just want to have an intense discussion about floating point precision with the idiot who developed the cutting machine...

Also, please stop printing cars or birds there. Thanks.

What an year ?
>MS VS on mac
>SQLServer on Linux :D
>Xamarin API for tizen (seriously :/)
>MS becomes `platinum` member @LinuxFoundation
>Google joins .NETfoundation
>Trump becomes the president ??????????
>In India 500 and 1000 rupees notes are now worth toilet paper except we don't actually wipe - we wash ;)
>For me RIP $copes and controllers and my year worth of experience :'(

So I dropped out from University after 5 years because I was fed up with it, took a look at the job market, found something interesting, applied for it and got it. Now I'm here on my first day, sitting on the toilet, scrolling through DevRant.

Life is good.

!rant

I love the fact that some programmers will put there heart and soul into a project and spend there entire life working on it to only have no recognition or earn a single cent.

Yet the man who invented toilet paper literally wiped his ass and made millions...

I love how the world works! :-D

Me working on a bug for so long the brain actually stops working. Leave work > drives home > sits on the toilet: "Holy toilet, that's the problem" > drives back to work > problem solved!

Anyone else?

Friday 6pm to Sunday 6pm, with toilet breaks, snack breaks and a three hour nap on Sunday morning. Roughly 44 hours. It was a hackathon, Nov 2016. My team came in fourth place and the first three teams went to Germany!

Well, I got a well paying attachment from it so it didn't go all to waste.

Me and my laptop then...

when there is no project I work in, I am just a lazy ass. And that's what happened this morning after I waked up.

Me: *bring me phone, enter the toilet and open devrant.

~30 minutes late~

Wife: *knock knock* are you there?
Me: oh hey, yes I am
Wife: it is devrant again?
Me: 😶

Morning time.
Sitting on the toilet browsing DevRant.
Boss calls.
Phone vibrates abruptly and falls inside the seat.
And I almost shit on it.

50 euros just TO BE ABLE TO WIPE MY FUCKING ASS

FUCK YOU, PIECE OF SHIT HOARDERS, WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU BUYING SO MUCH TOILET PAPER

that moment when your 5 minute toilet trip lasts way longer because of devrant

The toilet code at this McDonald's.

Today was a good day. The toilet door was stuck for two hours because the lock broke. After the locksmith came and tried his best, we had to kick the door in. Fun fact: a fellow dev was stuck on the inside...

Perhaps there should be monthly presentations on how to correctly use and handle the toilet.

I didn't actually realize anyone could be this dumb. Sure, I'd heard stories, but I wasn't sure that I'd ever come across this level of stupidity in the wild. I was moving email across hosting accounts for someone, and I asked them to please navigate to a certain domain. Then they asked what navigate meant, so I told them to please type it into the URL bar. They said "OK." 5 seconds later, they said, "Which one do I click on?" They googled the url. So I asked them to please type it into the URL BAR. Then they asked what that was.

...like what? I just told you this yesterday. How fast does information fall out of your head? Do you forget where your toilet is when you wake up every morning? How do these people even function in society?

-_-

The three indicators you have spent to much time on devRant while being on the toilet:

0: You reached the post from the last day.
1: Your legs fell asleep.
2: You forgor whether you have to wipe your ass or not.

While sitting on the toilet, it struck me:

int y = (int) (x+0.5); //x is a float

is exactly the same as:

int y = Math.round(x);

It's such a simple thought, yet, I realized that just now.

Reading code samples in the toilet... I'm not normal.

Get plenty of sleep, folks. I just started snoring on the toilet at work.

The moment, when you are reading rants on the toilet in the office and the automatic light turned off.

I broke the toilet seat on day 2 at the office and have been watching it get worse and worse until it silently got replaced two weeks later.

Oops.

!rant

Finally back to coding at the new office. Better connection speed. Wider space. Own toilet.

Guess you won't see new posts from me anytime soon.
Just gonna enjoy the rest of your miseries from my chilled desk.

😎

Architect of this building is so stupid. The toilet lights are triggered by movement. But they are not hanging in the toilet itself. Im wiping my ass with my flashlight on now…

Here we go again.

Toilet for new Agile team.

I've dealt with dusty computers, REALLY dusty computers, computers owned by smokers.

I've seen dead beetles and earwigs and spiders with their cobwebs in computers and dealt with them.

I've even seen live moth larvae wriggling about in a computer.

But never, have I ever had to deal with fluids. Until today.

I had to take apart a laptop that had been used as a toilet by a cat. It was still wet, but not warm.

And I had to try to get data off of it. But no, the urine was not compliant.

So, already pissed off customer was less happy about the fact that her data would still be a few days away from recovery to a new computer.

At least her frustration wasn't at us.

When you've been working for ages and are desperate for a pee, but you've just had a major breakthrough and code is pouring off your fingers like honey, and you don't want to stop because it will break the flow.

Pls send help. I having problems with following code:

Human h = WildOrangutan
.getInstance();
Ass ass = h.getAss();

Toilet toilet = new Toilet();
ass.attachTo(toilet);

while (ass.hasOutput()) {
ass.output();
h.readDevrant();
}

ass.detach(toilet);

// This throws
// OutOfToiletPaperException
ass.clean();

tabs vs spaces is the coding equivalent of over vs under on the toilet paper roll

devRant my new in toilet magazine

Does "on the toilet" count for this weekly response? 👀

STOP TURNING THE LIGHTS OFF WHEN YOU LEAVE THE OFFICE TOILET!!!!

For fuck's sake, do not turn the lights off if you're not sure if someone is in there or not. Don't be a moron.

Closing 10+ tabs after finding the solution is like flushing the toilet, you don't even look back.

When the toilet paper tries to be nice with you after coding 😁

Coolest project? Well, one time I had to take a dump while I was coding so I took the computer to the toilet with me and that was pretty exciting

We're in 2017 and I can't believe people won't flush the damn toilet!

This is the third time a recruiter calls me while I am shitting on the toilet.
It's one of two, they call me too often. Or I shit a lot

Company is laying me off in less than a month. Thousands of others as well. Our whole department is going away but not the work. Yet I still have to meet a deadline that is just days before they stop paying me. My motivation to do this work is in the toilet.

lesson of the day:
if you enter the office toilet while chewing gum, the simultaneous smell of shit and jaw movement will lead your brain to think you're eating shit

Shout out to the people who take someone else's office chair. I just went for a toilet break then *poof* someone took it.

Damn it, someone messed up the coffemachine.. every single toilet is occupied

So tired that I literally sat down to take a shit on a toilet that had the seat over down...

Software developers are like a toilet. Just trying to do their damn job, but end up taking everyone's shit.

Well that's new..

So I was sitting on a toilet, thinking about life and stuff and b2plane [because of obvious reasons], when suddenly... I felt a very sudden and very strong urge to... code something in perl.

I haven't touched perl in years, don't even remember its syntax [can u blame me though? It's perl], but there we go, an urge hit me.

As soon as I flushed, the urge went away.

@b2plane, I'm asking you as an expert of shit. What's it mean? Is this normal?

Didn't know that there is an "Android for toilet" version :D

It's been literally 1,5 hours that I've been sitting on the toilet.

Thank you devRant, thank you.

First time working remote.

My manager sent us all remote. I am a student in apprenticeship with a school doing remote work too.

I caught a slight diharrea, doing some C in the WC.

Is this distubing if I find myself more productive on the toilet ? xD

Am I the only one who's noticed that recently ever innovation out there would appear to be along the following lines "We/'ve added our product to the Internet of Things and have integrated Machine Learning to improve our product, why? Well for literally absolutely no fucking reason, it/'s a toilet brush"

-Friday
Me: *pushes fix for an issue in app*

-Tuesday, the next week
Colleague: "Hey, dude, fid you fix that issue?"
Me: "Yeah, it's available since Friday morning"
Colleague: *e-mails me screenshot with the issue still present*
Me: "That's odd, let me check that on your machine"
Me: *opens the app on his machine, the issue really is there, starting to freak out that I messed up the repo*
Me: "Why the hell would that not work... wait a sec, lemme check something.."
Me: *checks the app version and discovers that it's from 2 months ago*
Me (turns on colleague): "I guess, you should update it to see the newest functionality"
Me: *goes to the toilet, locks himself up, cries*

If coding was a thing 100+ years ago, we'd have quotes by great men like "You won't have space for new ideas unless you shit out the old ones in the toilet." which would be an alternative for "the toilet is the best place to think of algorithms and fixes."

So I'm sitting on the toilet in my work, wondering how much time is left till I beat the specific impulse of a Raptor engine, and all of sudden the emergency allarms go off.

Weighting my options now: die in a fire or some kind of explosion, or go downstairs without ending *the thing*.

Dying Lannister-way or going out of the building and meeting my colleagues, with a very weird smile on my face.

...

I think I just discovered new levels of fast when it comes to using toilet paper.

Whenever I'm stressed out on a bug or what not...

I find some of my best ideas have come from sitting on the toilet

WanBLowS Vusta is more stable than this piece of shit that you call code. Yet you call yourself a programmer? Goddammit, even the shit that I dump in the toilet looks better. Because at least that thing is honest about being shit, unlike this craptacular mess that you call an application. Maybe consider kill -9 $(pidof life).

How software engineer fix a broken lock 😂
Also known as "USB validation"

Team meetings on the toilet

I'm so fucking upset with this shitty iPhone. I can't believe there are people who are actually *paying* real money for this crap. Thankfully I am getting paid to use one, otherwise I would flush it in the toilet (but then even the toilet would reject it).

oh fuck there's no toilet paper i just wanna buy ONE SIX-PACK OF THEM OK

The best codes born, when you are on the toilet.

Obviously the only right choice for my bathroom:

My fucking campus building.
Really. Built a new one in 2017, we started to study there since Oct 2017 til now and lemme tell something: it's shit. My classroom's paint cracked 2 months in. My classroom lacks a projector which is standard for every classroom to have one back in the old campus building. But nooope. No projector for 1.25 years, at least by now compensated by a 50" TV which whoever the fuck installed the thing took the *only* stock HDMI cable. Shitty floor tiling (think r/mildlyinfuriating but worse), shitty toilet that would break down every 2 weeks and "over the top" gymnasium with air ventilation so bad it feels like Hitler's fucking oven every time we got in.

my way of getting unstuck is going to toilet, thats why I drink soo much liquid on work, kuz then I know that when in need, I can go "TO THE THINKING ROOM"

When i participate game jams from the toilet and end in toilet.
(best record is 5 hours in toilet. Literally)

Please add face masks and hand sanitizer and toilet rolls on the table for the avatars😆😷🧻🧤

Why the fuck people advertise themselves as 24h service if they work 9..17?! I need a fucking plumber to change leaky toilet seat. Called over ten different guys, and, guess what? They don't give a shit!

Meanwhile I used to have clients calling in the middle of the night or early in the morning. And I DON'T work 24/7.

What's fucking wrong with this world where you have to study long years and buy pricey tools and be available to the client all the time, and on the other hand you don't have to even start a college, just have right tools and materials, and you have better job? I could become a plumber. At least my work wouldn't be outsourced to India...

Sorry you Indian guys ;-)

Sitting on the toilet seat
.
.
.
Gets me in the zone

Dialogue when I entered the room of a co-worker, and it wasn't an individual office.

Me: YO MAMA her son bitching 'bout compiler licence?
Him: Kiss my ass!
Me: Could cram a wet roll of toilet paper down your pants.
Him: Yeah that'd come pretty close.

Other co-workers: WTF?

Just read a comment on rant that stated "You’d be surprised as how disgusting people are especially in the work setting.". In regard to bathrooms. This reads true, for my current place of work

I was about to reply to that, but I thought this is worthy of a rant of its own. Allow me to quote some emails...

"We have had reports of excrement being left on toilet seats, which surely could be seen by the person responsible before they left the cubicle. "

"very poor toilet hygiene in some the ladies toilets.

Firstly, someone person should I say.... has used a toilet brush to clear a blockage in the Ladies loo nearest [removed]. They obviously couldn't unblock the toilet due to the density of the blockage and therefore.. returned the brush to it's holder full of the blockage!! "

"The phantom "snot" wiper is back and is using the back of the toilet door nearest the [removed] as a tissue! Again.. the poor Cleaner has had to clean this up... "

"Toilet paper being put in the Urinal blocking the system in [removed] and faeces being left on the toilet floor in [removed]. This goes without saying that this can't go on and it's not the cleaners job to be cleaning such messes! "

Its ever worse in our other office that contains a call centre. A lady was fired for leaving shit in the stairwells on multiple instances. She had been fired from her last role for the same thing.

There were also reports of subway subs been left in the toilet bowl.

You also find the most curious items in the waste bins (they have no lid, we're not search through them - just to make that clear) everything from half eaten sandwiches to watermelon.

I dropped my phone in the toilet.

Ive been sitting on toilet for so long that my legs are numb and i cant feel them

I was excited to get back to work on a major project today. I was thinking in the shower, on my bike, on the train, on the walk from the train to my office, on the elevator, about how I would approach it and came up with a good plan. Again, I was excited.

Then, on our standup call, a dude says he needs access to the util server I manage, and just happens to not know shit about Linux. So I spend the next hour and a half walking him through simple SSH commands, and completely lose my train of thought for the project I was planning to tackle.

Now, I'm seething on the toilet, hoping to reset.

You thought real fear is deploying to production friday afternoon?

Hah nope.
Real fear is forgetting to flock(); a public toilet door while doing a dump();

Fuck this completely abysmal CMS!!!!
Not even god damn Einstein would be smart enough to understand this stinky pile of legacy code!
No, it's not enough to write an HTML template in PHP with less than 500 lines of code, noooooo, every god damn template HAS TO BE AT LEAST 3000 FUCKING LINES OF CODE WITH RANDOM INCLUDES EVERYWHERE!!!
Every fucking thing I fix spawns at least 2 new bugs! I FUCKING CAN'T!!!
I swear, if I meet these fucking worms of developers... someone will eat fresh turds mixed with puke from a highway toilet!

There's this one lead dev in our dpt who keeps posting pictures to our company's Teams 'general' channel with shit in the toilet after someone forgot to either flush or use the brush.
Caption usualy says "I don't mean to cause nausea to anyone, but we are all adults here and should know how to flush / use the toilet brush".

Does every company have this guy or are we the chosen ones?

“I started learning to code today while I was in the toilet. Let me tell you about the best app to learning coding for beginners.”

How does this person have such blind confidence in their first though?

Toilets in the computer science department.
Hard working students

Legit witnessed flushing a CD/DVD in a toilet fixes it

I have so many conflicting thoughts

I think this a perfect anecdote of where tech is going nowadays:

I moved my bowels on one of those high-tech Japanese toilets: it allowed you to control the seat temperature, cleaned your butt with spray (with an additional "ladies" mode), had several modes of flushing (1, 2, and "eco"), automatically lifted and closed the lid, played some music for you, had a remote controller for you to flush your shit at a distance.

But, guess what, IT DIDN'T FLUSH SHIT. It pathetically trying to flush my shit with 1000 different kinds of puny jets and draining modes but my heap of shit always bounced back because its flush was so weak that it couldn't push it.

I don't care if the seat warmer went out of control and burned my ass or if the butt cleaning jet didn't reach my anus,
JUST DO WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO AND FLUSH MY SHIT.

Our neighbors need more toilet paper badly. I wonder if they’ll go door to ask asking people to spare a few squares next 🤔

Git pooed

Making an ssh connection:

No....

No this one.

Not that one.

Not that one, either.

*starts typing*

*Typo 1*

*Typo 2*

Yay. Connected to server.

... Okay. Wrong environment.

*Exiting*

*trying again*

*Typo 1*

*Typo 2*

*finally connected*

Okay. I'm here...

Why did I connect to this machine again?!

------

Migrations are fun. Your bash history is an obsessive lier, your brain completely fried and when you finally managed to achieve something... You either forget what it was - or even worse - you get reminded of all the stuff you still have to do.

I'm literally amazed that I currently manage to go to the toilet, don't forget to make coffee and eat stuff at least once a day.

Before anyone thinks... Haha joke.

Nope I'm dead serious.

I am amazed that I didn't forget to go to the toilet, aka sitting in my own piss and wonder why it's so warm and wet down there.

I'm glad that the migration is going to end soon, otherwise I might opt in out of paranoia for adult diapers.

*My brain is really fried*

Better than toilet paper... WD40

best solutions came to you when your in shower or in toilet.

I hide in the toilet

If we had a devRant vote on the most annoying word of 2018, I'd vote for "token".
Token here, token there, token yourself in the rear!

Some project I'm currently working on has to fetch 4 different tokens for these syphillis-ridden external CUNTful APIs.
Your mother inhales dicks at the trainstation toilet for one token!

when you have spent hours to fix bug, then found the solution when you are in the toilet break

looks like my Airbnb host likes to debug at the toilet.. a lot.. 😂

Not a dev related rant but more of a workplace rant.

I work in a business center with around 30 small offices. We share the common areas like kitchen, meeting rooms and bathroom.

Today, the cleaning lady told me to use the bathroom on the other side of the workplace because she spread bleach all over the men's restrooms floor.

The reason? Someone peed completely outside the toilet. I understand men can miss a couple of drops but a complete load? It's not the first time it has happened but I can only think he enjoys doing it.

I wish I had my own bathroom...

On the toilet at work after dealing with a cunt of a customer, decided fuck it, let's install termux, nano and do some shit in both ways

In today's episode, I did all programming tasks before 10 AM roles around while sitting on the toilet. The rest of the day, I shall just sit in my bed and try to edit this stupid video.

I should also look for more jobs, but hell, I studied so much to do what I like but there's literally no market for it... I kinda feel the liberal arts students now. Lol.

This is a very mild rant about character limit saying that there are >0 characters left when writing comments, then refusing to submit.

I'm so fucking infuriated! I almost raised an eyebrow in anger! What the fuck, my life is literally ruined, this bug is making my toilet visits insignificantly worse!

About 3 years at a job I worked at, management moved my work desk right next to the toilet.

I had enough. I got up, packed my things and left the office without saying anything to anyone and got another job a week later.

Have you ever quit on the spot? If so, what was your breaking point?

I'm implementing some Italian web servicies.

The server response is "INDISPONIBILITÀ TEMPORANEA" (temporarily not available).

I'm Italian, but I'm not used with localized error messages. When I read this message I tought to a server in a toilet.

As always,

Go to the f***ing toilet and inspiration will pop in your head.

Man, how many times should I post this here? (smirks)

The amount of times i go to the toilet and solve a code problem whilst there...

I think all offices should just have toilets for chairs.

That moment when you need badly to go to the toilet and your boss stops you to have a long discussion

Found this on Twitter.. 😂

Had to go to a toilet real bad at a supermarket-restaurant combo, there was only one stall and someone hadn't flushed.

I can't believe I'm about to say this, but the toilet bowl contained the most impressive turd I have ever seen in my life.

You should've seen it. I went to the handicap bathroom instead

I know you are reading this rant from a toilet

When your on the toilet and come across a tech video you want to watch but can't because of the audio. It would be weird... need to start taking headphones to the john.

I hate office parties. It's not because I have the social skills of a rock. Language issues (and not the ones computers use) cripple you socially. Especially if you have social awkwardness to start with.
I'm just hiding in the toilet right now, waiting for the clock to strike 6 so that I can make some excuse of an appointment and leave. xD

Me and my friend were having a coffee in a coffee shop and then she told me the story of how she got fired.
So back then storing data on cloud was not that convenient and employees in her company used to carry softwares and other stuff in pendrives.
This one day after completing a MAJOR project for a very irritating client, my friend and her team decided to take the day off and celebrate this victory in a pub.
She got drunk and then came the call of her boss saying that they needed to showcase the software right then to the client.

Being always responsible and committed to her work my friend had decided to keep a backup in her pendrive which she kept in her breast pocket of her shirt.

So she goes into the washroom to freshen up, bends down near the toilet to vomit out liquor and lo!

The pendrive slid all the way down from her pocket into the toilet sink.
She didn't notice and flushed and down went the whole project into the sewer.

Moral - life fucks you in ridiculous ways.

Ps. She left her laptop at her home which was very far from her office and the pub. The team had to go to her home first to retain the project and eventually got seriously late. Boss didn't like it as the client was a real pain in the ass and this was a big project too and being the team lead my friend was supposed to deliver as expected.
She got fired.

7 hour dev call 🤨

When the CEO sends an email "start working on the project ASAP" all the METHODOLOGIES GO DOWN THE TOILET..... fuck you , you ignorant son of a bitch

So something annoying about the bathrooms here is that they are automatic flush only. There's always used toilet paper in the bowl because as soon as you move an INCH to wipe, it flushes. And you can't flush again.

An old man in my company walked in the restroom right after I entered, I was destroying the toilet when I heard him leave without WASHING HIS FUCKING HANDS, some time later I saw this animal communicating and shaking hands with somebody. Have you been grossed out by an event like this before?

What I Like about Home Office?
My squeaky clean toilet. No colleagues who Block the toilet, no colleagues who seem to forget their bathroom cleanliness at home

> Drinking much because it's a hot day.
> Have to go to the toilet
> Cleaner is cleaning the toilets so nobody can go.

Every fucking time gaaaarh

My biggest pet peeve is whenever you're in the toilet, you know, doing a number 1, a lazy number 1, a number 2 or the combo. For most toilets, including in our workplace, its very clear that the door is locked. Usually it is either written or signified by the color red. Despite all this, you still have those people who will almost batter down the door despite being CLEARLY LOCKED.

Fucking hell, that grinds my nuts.

So I log into a great new site with my development machine. 64G of RAM, and 2 hex core CPU's; GTX 1070 video, SSD, etc. 4K display screen. (Motherboard is 5 years old, not trying to brag, just give context). I regularly put 8 pages of text on the screen side by side. Split ergonomic keyboard.

It wants me to load a mobile app for "full access".

Yea, why look at the world with wide open eyes when you can view everything through a cardboard toilet paper tube and type with your thumbs???

== John ==

!dev #SocialIsolationIsBad #I'm_waiting_for_this_script_to_finish

I'm the one who intentionally creeps out everyone who like her, and then sits on the toilet shedding internal tears of self-pity that "nobody likes me" and then does the comfort talk of "I'm a strong independent moldy potato and need nobody".

Anyways, came full circle now can somebody hand me more toilet papers, please? 🚽

Goes to the shitter...
Takes huge dump...
Toilet paper status: null...

Let me guess, a Monday??

Today I went into the 1 holer restroom right after my boss. I braced myself for the worse as the toilet seat was down. To my surprise it smelled like bubble gum. So my boss's shit doesn't stink, it smells like bubble gum.

What that hell do you have to eat to make your shit smell like bubble gum?

Things common people do while in the toilet:
Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp, Games, etc...
Things I do while in the toilet:
DevRant

My life is an ever swirling toilet that just won't flush

People who take 2 places on a busy busride deserve to moved to the toilet.

Rude, selfless scum, go sleep with the shit of other people instead of making my life harder. I've been traveling for 16 hours. There's still 8 hours left and I would like to sleep, recharge my phone and that next to my traveling companion... But you egoistic creatures just have to be a fucking waste of space. To me you are almost the lowest trash of society.

I should simply sit down on your worthless gadgets.
I should simply smash your feet with my luggage.
I should simply remove you from the history of this planet

EAT FUCKING SHIT AND DIE

Edit: can't even do math anymore. I have 10 hours of travel left

That feeling when you've needed to go to the toilet for 1.5h but you're stuck driving

There are at least 3 posters in the bathrooms at the office saying please put the toilet seat down before you leave, yet people still can't do that

• I listen to music
• I eat/drink something
• I go to the toilet and think about unrelated stuff (which might actually provide a solution)
• I go to sleep

I try the top one first, and if it doesn't work, the next one, and so on, until I am done with the last one.

Lucky shit: no need to clean ass/toilet

Lucky call: Boss/Client asks you immediately after you say Hello if you were ill, and leaves you alone

Today I had both!

Hard times are coming....

Imagine.

You have a beard. You are in a restaurants toilet. The beard likes to eat half of the meal itself. You want to clean your beard, so you sprinkle your beard. Now its clean and beautiful. Then you realise - there is only one of those air dryers. You are screwed.

Got out of bed, went to toilet to take a piss and as i was finishing pissing my eyesight got blurry, i felt dizzy, losing energy and then i just woke up laying on the floor without remembering anything what happened. I fucking passed out. My head hurts cause i hit it on something during fall. Fuck off. I have enough problems already and the least problem i need is a health problem now

I dream of a chat bot that would read my Kanban/scrum boards and answer status queries for me.
Instead of spending 1h13mins (I measured) on average EACH AND EVERY DAY just telling people whatever is written on the story cards, the robot could tell them for me.

Maybe someone will suggest on the comments that people should just read by themselves on the story cards. Yeah, people will ask you where the toilet is while you are peeing on it. That is why we need robot nannies for professional adults.

Me: I've just formatted my computer for the nth time. I will only keep crucial software installed from here on out.

5 Minutes Later . . .

Me: sudo apt install fortune cowsay aa bb cmatrix toilet xeyes lolcat figlet pacman4console

The joys of working remotely: you're on the toilet, happily dumping, with your phone in your hand. Suddenly you receive a message from your manager who wants to chat about something urgent.

How do I explain the reason why he has to wait a couple of minutes?

Forcing the dev to be the only one doing QA should be considered animal cruelty. That's like making the plumber take a shit after every new toilet installation. That was a terrible analogy.

In c++, memory is like toilet; you need to flush after every use

When you Render something and the name is just perfect!

Translation: Catched encoding buying Toilet Paper

To all devs out there who don't use the toilet flush in company: FUCK YOU! I WISH YOU 100 BUGS EVERY DAY AND MAY YOUR FUCKING CODE NEVER COMPILE YOU DISGUSTING PIECE OF SHIT!!

I'll tell all my dev employees to use devrant. Why? Because I'll definitely rant about him/her, so he should do the same about me.

I hate only a handful of things in this world. Including: stepping in water with socks on, when the toilet paper rips, and business people.

Started reading about toilet bidets, read some posts and one caught my attention cuz the disclaimer at the top.

"Warning: This is a review of a bidet. There will be unabashed talk of human excrement and the body parts that produce it. If that sort of thing offends you, then do yourself and everyone else a favor and stop reading now. Offended people screaming in the comments will not be tolerated. You've been warned."

😂

By taking one 30 minute dump in the toilet per day to relax and read other people's code on my phone

Throw your best toilet poetry at me. I have a small one to start.
I suck, but hey, examples :P

Here i sit
Taking a shit
The cheeks of my butt i spread
I had some very nice garlic bread
My poop is floating, my poop is brown
I watch it suffer, i watch it drown

apt-get install toilet

When you finish using the bathroom, realize there is no toilet paper, and have to stealthily move to another stall for said toilet paper. Why have we not automated toilet paper renewal.

Favorite place to code include:
+ Bed (laying down)
+ Bed (sit up with pillow fort)
+ Bathroom (with laptop wrapped in plastic food wraping in bath)
+ Bathroom (on toilet)

Write an app or design a toilet that checks consistency of my poop and tells me what to eat
Suggestions are welcome on what to call it

that feel when you start up your PC, go to the toilet and come back with a fulle ready PC <3

astrophysicist is rushing to the toilet and thinking “is it a brown dwarf or a gas giant”

How cool is that?
I met an old American couple (in their 70s), a half Korean and half Japanese guy in his 20s, some Chinese girls in their 20s just in the hotel I have checked in yesterday.
It is interesting how a city that is at the center of Turkey is so full with people from other countries.
Tbh I can swear that here are more Chinese people than Turks lmao

On a side note: The old American couple is just a room away from me.
The walls are so thin that I have heard how the American man kind of "screamed" to push his shit into the toilet lol

Just relocated my wifi accesspoint, so I have better reception on the toilet.
Priorities first!

One day a developer's phone accidentally fell into his toilet. The poor developer looked at the toilet but couldn't find it as it was too late.

Finally he burst into tears. Hearing his sobs, an Angel appeared before him. 

The Angel dived into the toilet and came up carrying a golden phone. The developer did not accept it. He said, "This is not mine. My phone is not golden."

To which the Angel replied, "It's not golden, it's covered in shit!"

Microspyoft decided to retire Atom IDE, what a bullshit company, if you check their asses you will find them stinky as garbage because they only use toilet paper, I started to stop using their shit, any basic solution they offer to you that you might think 'Oh, that's the solution to rely on for a lifetime ' no man hold your excitements cause they are going to fuck your brain later, same as they will do with Windows10, suddenly the bunch of lazy asses decided 'actually let's create windows11, and stop supporting windows10 by 2025' Go to fuck yourselves bitches, I stopped using all your shit.

Today I solved issues I didn't cause and took International phone calls while on the toilet to help corporate.
Bug fixing can be a shit job, at least I was in the right place for it.

Nothing better than going in after someone else and trying to debug their code.

It's comparable to sitting on a warm toilet seat.

How the fuck did my company decide a single toilet stall is enough? Are they really this cheap? Why must I go to the bathroom three times before I can actually use it? Why do they think one is enough for 100 male employees? In their defence, they do have urinals, but I'm not comfortable using them.

So many questions and I STILL NEED TO GO!

Desk inventory(not counting computer hardware):

-Three interlocking polished high density particle board squares, cut by an industrial-grade 3d printer at the office of an architect friend. I use them as coasters.
-A roll of toilet paper, as I have a deviated septum and blow my nose so often that proper facial tissue would be wasteful.
-A landline phone, for work. I'm thinking about getting rid of it though, as I can do the majority of my work phone calls through Google Hangouts and our company's webrtc client, and because it costs me about $7 a month for the service, through ooma.

What's on your desk? No computer hardware, please. Also, please try to use your words, because it's a lot of fun to imagine the layout rather than see it.

Fair enough..

!dev

I just noticed the toilet paper at my gym is better than the one at work

My toilet is right here! And so is my bed!

I've been working on an ERP system for several years and we had a module to record your presence time.
The code was absolute shit but at least the method names matched.
The method to record the end of your work was named "outhouseRecord".
One translation for outhouse seems to be a toilet outside.

CVE-2019-3568
Description: A buffer overflow vulnerability in WhatsApp VOIP stack allowed remote code execution via specially crafted series of SRTCP packets sent to a target phone number.

NSO group even sell a spyware application based on that vulnerability to governments.

Listen!!!!! I'm going to the toilet with my phone!!! Listen!!!

I used to work in a Tech Support department where everybody was constantly pranking each other.

In one of the iterations of such events one of the guys actually forked the source of a login page, in one instance of the app that was running in a VM, and edited the code so it would redirect the user to a lemon party'ish website.

It was quite an upgrade to the old M.O. where people would just email themselves messages with seemingly bureaucratic call to actions containing hyperlinks to the same lemon party'ish websites.

And the most direct approach, which is to type those directly into one's browser if the laptop is left unattended & unlocked due to a trip to the toilet.

9:30AM... wow this is probably the latest I've ever woken up on a weekend in years...

In other news my OPO is now the toilet phone...

We just moved from ClearCase to git and got to deleted all the dead code and unlinked files that have been stuck in the repository for ten years. The most satisfying toilet flush ever.

Ugh, since I bought a few domain names, and thus my contact details are public (grrr), I get stupid quotes from people around the world going like: "Hey! I'm a web dev specialised in [insert technology here], I want money! Contact me!", or "Hi, I am [redacted], we are a talented agency in [cuntry] and can offer you the best in web development blablabla".

The only help I need is "fuck off".

It feels like I'm taking a dump in a public toilet and people knock on the door willing to help me clean my ass for me.

One of my pet peeves is coming across a post on stackoverflow with an awesome answer and even a comment from the OP saying this is exactly what I needed but it's not marked as the answer. Really? It's longer to write the comment.

Question for you all:

You're expecting an important call from a potential employer sometime today (no specific time, just business hours)

When you get the call, you're on the toilet, absolutely ripping ass. Do you let it go to voicemail and call them back later? Answer the phone and take the whole call on the toilet? Take the call and discreetly try and finish your business? Take the call and explain that you need to call them back in about five minutes? Is there a right answer?

!dev

My toilet paper roll is fucked, the rip line only goes half the width of the roll so it always tears off a part of the next piece

We cannot live in a world of chaos

Today someone took a shit and didn't flush...

Normally you have your typical candidates, who are pissing standing in the stalls although there are free urinals, people who don't wash their hands after pissing or just splash like 3 fingers with water. Even not washing hands after taking a dump, which is pretty disgusting... But today? Some dude in the stall next to me took a shit, wiped his butt... and went away... No flushing no washing hands... Wtf is wrong with people?

!(dev|rant)

The toilets at my new office are nice, comfortable, butt-cupping masterpieces with strong WiFi. I think I will just move here.

I don't like change, especially change in toilets. I tend to have a list of toilets I can use. For the last 3 months I have been avoiding the toilet at my new job, but am sitting on her right now, she's quite nice. I'll name her algo.

Toilet Dev rant - my urine went into mute mode when that creepy business head almost 7 feet stood in the urinal next to me and said hi. What the fuck from such height he can easily view the entire map of the urinals and what not. And why the fuck my urine went mute not even a single drop went through. I hate it