the only thing that lets me go on is trying to squeeze some form of even minor happiness out of each day because comfort surely isn't present right now

I'm living in the first world sliding into the third world.

take a job in europe for a year or two?
free healthcare, up to 6 weeks of paid vacation, good work live balance.

@heyheni god i'd love that but i don't have a way of getting there :(

I don't know if leaving this accursed country would solve my problems, but I'd like to think it would help.

I totally understand …

@Root you know i wish i could believe that. i wish i could tell someone what i'm feeling and what i'm going through. likely you understand feeling like you're barely keeping your head above the water, like life is just dragging by and you're slowly dying, slowly deteriorating, the years being sloughed off like a layer of dying sickly skin and you can't get them back. but all the while, what should be a time of and should have been a time of making memories and advancements has just turned into an endless slow murder of the self, where everything and everyone slowly turns to shit around you. but do you understand what its like to be vulnerable to a certain species of illness that is continually exploited so you end up writing the same things over and over feeling like your brain is on fire ? and everytime you reach a good time, they exploit this all over again never letting you recover ?

Pack up soon.

@AvatarOfKaine
I’m tired.

Tired and depressed and lonely and hopeless and dissociating almost daily. I can’t seem to care about anything anymore; it just takes too much effort. The days blur together. Three weeks went by and I barely even noticed. The only way I could tell was by the grass, since no one else will mow it.

Watching the world going to hell certainly isn’t helping, either. I know what’s going to happen, and it makes me angry, but there’s nothing I can do about it. Every day things are worse. I avoid it as best I can, but I can’t seem to escape; someone is always telling me more horrible news.

I don’t really have friends anymore, either; those who are still around… I just don’t have the energy anymore. I want to; I just can’t.

I hate my job more every day; much of it because the codebase is abysmal trash, and the rest is because their political stances are worse.

I like the area I live in, but I can’t work up the energy to even leave the house. What little energy I do have gets spent working and cooking and cleaning; none of them well.

You asked if I understood.
I feel like I’m just watching as everything happens. I’m tired, and my best amounts to just getting through another day. And so it’s been for … I don’t know how long.

@AvatarOfKaine Anyway. Don’t fear covid, no matter what anyone tells you. Yes, some people die from it, but very very very few, especially now. Some people have lasting effects, but again pretty few, and those clear up. The same is true of the vaccine — same risk level as the virus, but it also doesn’t prevent infection, so. pick your poison. But the laws are still there and enforced, despite outcries that they may not even be legal, so do what you must. But know that it’s more of a political tool than anything.

Unpopular opinion if ever there was one.

@Root I felt that to my toes…. I probably couldn’t articulate it as well as you did, but that is my life. Add in a few extra hostile coworkers and finding yourself making it to devRant after midnight because you just stopped working. I need a new life, but amazon was sold out. Even my dog is mad at me.

@Root just doesn't seem to be much point if everything just gets reset.

had i had to deal with the trouble i am now years ago i would have eventually made it through, in fact in a sense i did.

so why am I hear in this situation again ? just waiting for the monsters to come around and drag me back to the beginning for no reason ?

@Root i just feel i've been walking for miles and miles and getting nowhere personally.

@Root boy if what he said was right how the hell are you supposed to divine that someone is being a stupid evil piece of shit from such innocence exchanges, you know