Someone: Be grateful that you aren’t laid off, and received all your pay checks in time.

Me: Be grateful that I haven’t severed you head and eaten noodles in your skull yet.

Of course I say it out loud in my head.

Kinda wished you did. Quite unfortunate that it can be explained as a dead threat.

Perhaps go for "be grateful you can still breathe."

Still conveys the threat; yet can be explained as just listing of basic rights. Like sunshine.