Lost my auntie to a very long cancer battle.

There is a long list of people that I would've rather died than her.

Why don't workplaces have a category of leave for "literally dying inside"?

I haven't been productive since the bs. (Refer to previous rant) And one deadline is approaching very fast.

My Christmas was ruined because I was anxious/annoyed/everything negative about the bs as well as being alone and stuck in a village. My new year has always been crap but this year it was extra crap.

Overall, I'm having none of the fun. My life is starting to feel like a deadend. I feel like I have to give up on my dreams to survive. And that no one is really on my side, despite whatever they say.

The ADHD rejection sensitivity is also heavily activated. Like I know that realistically I can fix this, but at this point I just want to break everything and let the ship sink.

I have lost time that I could be productive to this bs. And I wish nothing but misery for all those responsible for putting me in this situation. (I take responsibility for my mistakes, but not for how others behaved towards me)

My ass of a supervisor threw yet another bomb my way.

He basically said I would fire you if I could, but I don't have a valid reason, however I will not give a good grade for your dissertation because you don't do exactly what I told you. (not exact words, that was just the gist)

So I need to start looking for a new supervisor and a new department. He is not letting or helping me grow. I can't be under this fucking much stress, do this much fucking work and stay sane.

Gonna go cry now. Bye.

Fuck these grippers! I can't get a reliable force feedback from these mofos!! 😫😫😫

Follow up on yesterday's rant: by the end of today I had version "stupid" running. Now off to making it smart.

... and I'm really feeling burnt out. Smoked a crapton to get my brain working. Now wishing there was someone I could call or talk to, just so I could feel normalcy. Just so I could feel like I'm not spending my days fighting a battle. Cuddles would be nice too. (it's not that there's no one, there's just no one without a baggage or string or expectations or limits or idk)

Also, part of the robot arm is breaking apart and I have to make sure shit doesn't go haywire when we repair it tomorrow. 😑

I love what I do but damn it burns my brain to crisps.

So, today this robot really didn't want to move how I want it to move. 😒

Tomorrow, again, I guess.

Smh.

*sobs in robot voice*

To get a PhD in three years. Half way in, absolutely unrealistic but that's a hill I'm willing to die on! ⚔️

"Reviewer 2 is always a bitch"

Aaaaaaaand I'm looking at gloomy reviews which means my paper is gonna get rejected soon. Why oh god why!

(Actually, I know why, and maybe this is for the best, since I pulled the method out of my arse because I found out environments were unstable and had to nag about it to not fully lose a year's worth of investigative work. But also, this is my first conference rejection. Literally. 😐)

... There's a slight chance one of the reviews might save me tho, so keep your fingers and toes crossed for me, pleaeaeaeaeaeaeaaeaease! 🙏🏻

I wrote a scientific paper of six and a half pages.

This man wrote 60 comments on it.

I admire the dedication. 😐

Fuck virtual reality environments and their inaccurate physics. 😑😑😑

Starting a new project, and learning to work with a new robot. But I'm living in a state of anxiety, so I'm also in a state of mental paralysis rn. Why do I ruin the best things I get in life by just being an anxious mess? 😑

Repeat/repost:

Unfortunately I do not own a drop of what is conventionally known as confidence or ego. It applies to everything; work, skills, relationships, friendships, you name it. I can estimate my chances of succeeding, and sometimes be pretend-delulu for a purpose (you gotta admit, sometimes showmanship is the biggest asset) but I don't understand confidence. In my opinion, it's just a gross overestimation of one's chances.

So this project/paper thing, I feel like I'm blind and running in the forest. I am not counting on my boss, nor am I counting on anyone in the dept to give me clarity or decent feedback. ("Cutting edge" research issues. Not anybody's fault.)

And I guess, in the worst case scenario the paper will be rejected, which would be a setback but not a full failure.

... Actually, that's not the worst case. The worst case would be someone running a peer review and finding that I made a tiny mistake and all my results are bullshit. 🤦

... Anxiety is eating me alive rn. 🤢

I hate nothing as much as I hate endings. I'll go to lengths to avoid putting an end to anything.

So I'm super anxious these days trying to put an end to a project I've been working on for a long-ish while. 😐

Literally I rather having nerve diseases and be in pain 24/7 than submitting it.

Kill me plz. 😫

I have realized that I'm getting nowhere with my boss with my current attitude.

I want to change strategy, but I find it very hard to bite down my tongue and give up on being logical or the attitude of "be competent, do a good job, or gtfo of my way". Like, it's not my place to fix all the issues, neither am I perfect.

I'm not looking for methods of manipulating him, rather I want to change my own perspective and mindset to something that doesn't make me suffer. At least regarding this one person.

!dev

I gained 20+ kilos during covid.

By now I have lost about 19 of those. And no, I didn't do any specific sports or diet. I lost them via ✨anxiety✨.

And yes, I am naturally skinny.

I still have a good 20 to lose to be back at my ""usual"" weight tho. ✌️ (Gained those thanks to depression, hormonal disorder, and related meds)

!dev

All my joy in life rn is tmrw's lunch at the canteen. 😐

Don't.

Remember the boss I so very much wanted to impress and respect?

He told a junior colleague (behind my back) that she should supervise me and give me work.

NGL, I had it. This is where I pivot for the exit. Not sharply tho, but surely finishing the PhD as fast as possible. Unless drastic changes happen, I don't want to work with him in the long run.

I struggled with this the entire weekend. But it's good to finally have a clearer direction.

The bartender stole one euro from me. (Just didn't give me the rest of my money)

So like the awkward nerd that I am, I left and will just sulk and never go back there. I thought this was my new nook. Turns out, no more.

Sad Friday evening noises in distance.

!dev

It's wasp season again.

Fuuuuuuuck! 😫😫😫

Adding "my house manager is a bitch" to the pile of ongoing issues.

My studio is right in front of the courtyard. Which means students partying and I don't get any sleep. So this morning I asked her if I could swap places with another student. She is a broken record. "It's not allowed" is all I hear from her every time regardless of whatever I ask. And as she says, there are new rules and I am not allowed to get a new contract within the same fuckin building. Her own daughter lives in the quiet area, so like, what's with the double standard?

She's lying and I know that. I asked her to put me in touch with her bosses or "owners" as she calls them, and guess what she said; "it's not allowed" 🙄

Anyways, I don't wish her well. I'll eventually find a way out of this expensive silverfish-infested building.

I think it was Mike Rugnetta (from pbs idea channel on YouTube) who once tweeted "worse weekends have happened to better people" or something to that effect.

Word.

1. Bullshit coding challenges that you wouldn't be any good at unless you were doing the same stuff like yesterday. For an entry level job.

2. Stupid tech leads, who can't see people smarter than them so they bring you down in an interview to feel better about themselves. They'll ask you stuff they know is outside of your scope. Mine often ends up being about networking.

3. Stupid HR questions, that basically ask you to ass-kiss the company.

4. When you're actually better than the interviewer at just about anything, including maths, so you have to tiptoe around their ego and not call them out on being slow.

5. When they don't even give you a chance. You enter the interview and by question 3 you know they're gonna reject you and you never had a chance to begin with, so internally you start screaming for the money you spent on the new coat to impress these fuckers.

6. Salary negotiation when you're broke and you'll work for anything that covers your bills and food, basically.

7. Explaining the gaps in resume or radical changes. Like why I was a barista for six months after six months of being out of work.

A senior colleague of mine just announced she'll be leaving by the end of the year.

😐 Why do people I specifically need always leave? Am I that destructive? 😢

I know I'm being dramatic, but like... 😖😣😫

I mean, I could see this as an opportunity, but nah. I rather wallow in self-pity. 😭

Trying my luck for an A rank conference in like 3 months. Things are not done and anxiety will end me before then. 😑

Can't these stupid robots do their own thing without me and get published on my behalf? Shit is tiring! Arghhhhh

If one of these fucking deformable object simulations would actually do contact and collision right, that'd be greeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeat.
😐

How am I supposed to grab the shit with a robot gripper, if shit doesn't do contact friction right? Gah!

Does "on the toilet" count for this weekly response? 👀

Fucking IEEE pdf eXpress breaks this fucking paper.

The paper has been accepted, and we just need to upload a fucking camera-ready. But what was supposed to be a breeze, is now a nightmare with us spending the entirety of last night and evening trying to figure out why the fuck the latex gutter is keep throwing the same fucking error despite that we've used their own fuckin template, and don't have anything but text and images.

Fuck IEEE for making shit harder. Fuck their stupid submission system. 😭😭😭😭😭😭

I don't want to go back to work today. I literally had a 15 hours day yesterday. 😭😭😭😭

Urghhhhhhh Monday 🙄🙄🙄

I don't have a life.

So I'm back at work on a Saturday afternoon (admittedly, I prefer this to staying home or going out to ... Clubbing? Idk what the youth does nowadays) and just about every sound frightens me. Like, I don't mind the squeaky building, but my hormones are off and just about everything sends me into a panic mode. (my mental health rn is... funny 😬) so, I was thinking, I should make something thay covers up the squeaks. Like, plays something classic over squeaks.

... Now, "psychopaths in your area" could use this to their advantage and direct their own music pieces. 👀