I used to work with a guy who had 2 PH.Ds, in Computer Science and Electrical Engineering and over 600 patents but I kid you not the guy could not use the coffee machine. Now it's not like this coffee machine was as easy as a Keurig, it was some $20,000 espresso machine that took a while to figure out but I tried teaching him how to use it a few dozen times and still he couldn't get it right. It got to the point where I thought he was faking it so that others would make it for him so I offered him $500 if he could figure it out. Still nope. So for the remaining 2 years we worked together I made him coffee whenever he wanted, 2-4 times a day, and he bought me lunch everyday. Before I left the company I bought him a Keurig so that when I left he'd still have coffee.

rant && dev && education

So I just interviewed this guy for admission into our bootcamp and because he has raised some red flags before, I asked him to just write a factorial function and he chose HTML to do it. I told him he can certainly try thinking that maybe he doesn't know that whatever you write inside script tag is actually JavaScript. He went on to do this. What bothers me is he have a computer science diploma.

Till now I have just heard of these people but always taught those are just marketing or some person who think that just because they here HTML with some other programming language. BUT THIS IS SOME NEXT LEVEL SHIT.

Client: Hey, you're the IT guy right?
Me: Hey, how can I help?
Client: Yeah for some reason I've lost power to my computer
Me: *Checks power, all computers are down due to a power cut*
Me: You'll have to contact your power supplier as you've lost power to all computers and lights.
Client: What, but the computers are not working right? - that's you're job not mine
Me: That's not how it works.
Client: Fix this or I'll bill you for the loss of money we've encountered during this and report this to your boss.
Me: How about I bill you for my time and advice and inform by boss that you tried to blame me for a power cut.
Client: You can try.
Me: *walks off and puts time in the ticket, requests purchasing to send an invoice*

2 Days later:
The client does not pay the invoice.
Me: (phone call) Hi, an invoice has been sent to you and we haven't received payment yet.
Client: were not paying that, you broke our power and made our computers break
Me: null

So this happened in my computer science class

Creepy guy trying to be cheesy (to this pretty girl): "you're like a ; to my code"
Girl: "we're studying python, bimbo"

(Whole class laughed)

//long rant but worth it ;)

In our class, we had some writing in Word.

I was the smart PC guy in the class which everybody asked for info. Even the teacher sometimes asked me.

There was a girl in class which I didn't really like, because she had a snoopy attitude and thought she is a queen.

In MC Word you can hide the toolbar with the little arrow on the top right below the close button.

Somehow the girl hid the toolbar and didn't know to let it reappear again. After half a hour the teacher got to the next lesson.

She held her hand up and reported to the teacher that here PC has problems. After 10 minutes try & error from the teacher he even didn't get it.

Now the teacher started the rant and shout at her: "How did you even manage to do this? Did you upload a virus? I bet it is a virus! Do you know how much it costs to repair this pc? It's sure over 1000 $."

The rant continued for 15 minutes. After that I felt a bit guilty and even I didn't like that girl, but nobody deserves such a harsh treatment.

Without saying anything I went to the computer, clicked the little arrow and the problem was solved. The teacher didn't say anything to this topic. Just said we can go early.

Sometimes dump people make a elephant out of a fly, just because they don’t know it better…

Well the girl still stayed a cunt till the end of my scholarship.

Random : Hey you're a programmer right?

Me : Yeah? *excited about possibilities*

Random : I am having troubles installing a game I downloaded. I've been trying for three weeks now.

Me : *sigh* OK, I'll have a look, but I can't guarantee I'll get it right.

*Spend about 10 seconds installing game.*

Random : How did you do that?

Me : I read the error message, it was pointing to the wrong file.

Random : You are a god man *calls wife* come look at this genius. *calls daughter* look at that *calls dog* this guy is so amazing.

I also now avoid Random, he had three hard drives, each with a different version of Windows installed, he totally screwed his bios, he admitted not having put thermal paste on his cpu. And he asked me to fix all of this whenever I have time.

I am not your computer fixer guy. Take It to the shop.

Being 100% serious, I saw a guy in my Computer Programming I class using MS Word to write code that he would copy, then paste into notepad. When I asked him why he did that, he said, "Microsoft Word is easier to read than notepad."

He ended up dropping the class and changed majors.

I am Computer Science Student
Yesterday I asked question to my classmates, what is Linux,

here's some(non-forgettable) replays:

3- An App
2- A Soap
1- Game character

and most (suggest me..a word) :

0- Linux Crackers(Food)

and that guy sent me this..

There's this guy that sits next to me in a class.

Guy: Hey, you're a hacker right?
Me: I'm a programmer.
Guy: Can you hack into my email account?
Me: Nope, I work in a different field of computer science.

In reality, I want to give him a piece of my mind.

I already know his email so I open up the login page and enter it. I click "forgot password", and it asks for his favorite teacher's name. Keep in mind that he made this account this year.

Me: So anyways, who's your favorite teacher?
Guy: *proceeds to give me favorite teacher's name*
Me: 🤦‍♂️

I change his password and log into his account. After that, I show him and tell him about how he should keep his account secure.

He left class with a priceless look on his face.

Guy left his computer unlocked. Boss came over looking for him, sat down at his computer and opened lots of porn and left saying 'that will teach him'.

!rant
*Theoretical computer scientist is at an interview.*

Interviewer: “Imagine that you are walking down a road and see a house on fire. What do you do?”

CS Guy: “I dial the police and tell them that the house is on fire.”

Interviewer: “Good. Now, imagine that you are walking down the same road, and you see that the same house is not on fire. What do you do?”

CS Guy: *Ponders for a little while.* “I put the house on fire and reduce it to a problem I’ve solved before.”

I tutor people who want to program, I don't ask anything for it, money wise, if they use my house as a learning space I may ask them to bring cookies or a pizza or something but on the whole I do it to help others learn who want to.

Now this in of itself is perfectly fine, I don't get financially screwed over or anything, but...

Fuck me if some students are horrendous!

To the best of my knowledge I've agreed to work with and help seven individuals, four female three male.

One male student never once began the study work and just repeatedly offered excuses and wanted to talk to me about how he'd screwed his life up. I mean that's unfortunate, but I'm not a people person, I don't really feel emotionally engaged with a relative stranger who quite openly admits they got addicted to porn and wasted two years furiously masturbating. Which is WAY more than I needed to know and made me more than a little uncomfortable. Ultimately lack of actually even starting the basic exercises I blocked him and stopped wasting my time.

The second dude I spoke to for exactly 48 hours before he wanted to smash my face in. Now, he was Indian (the geographical India not native American) and this is important, because he was a friend of a friend and I agreed to tutor however he was more interested in telling me how the Brits owed India reparations, which, being Scottish, I felt if anyone was owed reparations first, it's us, which he didn't take kindly too (something about the phrase "we've been fucked, longer and harder than you ever were and we don't demand reparations" didn't endear me any).

But again likewise, he wanted to talk about politics and proving he was a someone "I've been threatened in very real world ways, by some really bad people" didn't impress me, and I demonstrated my disinterest with "and I was set on fire once cos the college kids didn't like me".

He wouldn't practice, was constantly interested in bigging himself up, he was aggressive, confrontational and condescending, so I told him he was a dick, I wasn't interested in helping him and he can help himself. Last I heard he wasn't in the country anymore.

The third guy... Absolute waste of time... We were in the same computer science college class, I went to university and did more, he dossed around and a few years later went into design and found he wanted to program and got in touch. He completes the code schools courses and understandably doesn't quite know what to do next, so he asks a few questions and declares he wants to learn full stack web development. Quickly. I say it isn't easy especially if it's your first real project but if one is determined, it isn't impossible.

This guy was 30 and wanted to retire at 35 and so time was of the essence. I'm up for the challenge, and so because he only knows JavaScript (including prototypes, callbacks and events) I tell him about nodejs and explain that it's a little more tricky but it does mean he can learn all the basis without learning another language.

About six months of sporadic development where I send him exercises and quizzes to try, more often than not he'd answer with "I don't know" after me repeatedly saying "if you don't know, type the program out and study what it does then try to see why!".

The excuses became predicable, couldn't study, playing soccer, couldn't study watching bake off, couldn't study, couldn't study.

Eventually he buys a book on the mean stack and I agree to go through it chapter by chapter with him, and on one particular chapter where I'm trying to help him, he keeps interrupting with "so could I apply for this job?" "What about this job?" And it's getting frustrating cos I'm trying to hold my code and his in my head and come up with a real world analogy to explain a concept and he finally interrupts with "would your company take me on?"

I'm done.

"Do you want the honest unabridged truth?"

"Yes, I'd really like to know what I need to do!"

"You are learning JavaScript, and trying to also learn computer science techniques and terms all at the same time. Frankly, to the industry, you know nothing. A C developer with a PHD was interviewed and upon leaving the office was made a laughing stock of because he seemed to not know the difference between pass by value and pass by reference. You'd be laughed right out the building because as of right now, you know nothing. You don't. Now how you respond to this critique is your choice, you can either admit what I'm saying is true and put some fucking effort into studying cos I'm putting more effort into teaching than you are studying, or you can take what I'm saying as a full on attack, give up and think of me as the bad guy. Your choice, if you are ready to really study, you can text me in the morning for now I'm going to bed."

The next day I got a text "I was thinking about what you said and... I think I'm not going to bother with this full stack stuff it's just too hard, thought you should know."

These foreign Indian scammers keep calling me about "computer virus".

Today, the guy told me to press ctrl + Windows key. I told him I use Arch Linux and then told him I use Netscape as my browser, and he still didn't take the hint.

He asked me "how can you have the Windows key on your keyboard and use Linux?".

#stupidfuck

(context: I'm from Germany)

The interview was going well, their developer and I had good talks about their stack and projects, I thought I was making a good impression.

Then the HR guy had some Qs. He went through my CV, wanted to know why I left company X and what I did at company Y. He seemed quite impressed with the work experience I already had (the job I was applying for was an entry level position).

For education I had an entry at a university. "courses in computer science". He asked:

"And you finished the Bachelor's degree, right?"

Me, "well, no. I stopped after about 2 semesters. I'm a self-taught developer, all my skills..."

HR guy interrupts

"So, no bachelor's degree?"

"No, but I figured out that I am a much better learner outside of university and that I don't want to go into research."

"Thank you for coming in, we'll get back to you soon."

...

As a conclusion: I learned that german companies are still very traditional and search for employees with degrees. They don't understand how you'd know stuff if you don't have a degree.

Good thing: we also have international companies, which are happy to welcome enthusiastic and self-taught developers.

*Theoretical computer scientist is at an interview.*

Interviewer: “Imagine that you are walking down a road and see a house on fire. What do you do?”

CS Guy: “I dial the police and tell them that the house is on fire.”

Interviewer: “Good. Now, imagine that you are walking down the same road, and you see that the same house is not on fire. What do you do?”

CS Guy: *Ponders for a little while.* “I put the house on fire, thus reducing it to a problem I’ve solved before.”

Relatives: You're a computer guy, right, what are you working on these days?
Me: *should I bother explaining, should I not* Oh, just some stuff.
R: Oh come on, tell us, how difficult can it be?
M: *sigh* I'm working on a custom garbage collector for-
R: !!

They're now under the impression that I'm involved in collecting rubbish from bins. Sigh. My hair doesn't help here, either, lol (I have one of those tangled, unruly mops of hair)

This will take time to explain.

Worst 'advice' from a college recruiter:

"O you want to major in computer science? Well our school is fantastic for women in comp sci because WHEN they find it too difficult they can easily transition to graphic design. How do you feel about graphic design?"

I decided that school was a bad choice.

Graduating this year with my BS in Comp Sci and going for my Masters in Robotics. Screw that guy.

I was 15 years old and the first year of high school. Everything was new to me and I was such a newbie. At that time I had 2-3 year of programming behind me at an institution where they taught competitive programming. And I knew something about computers. Not much but more than most of my school mates. At that time I wanted to become "super cool hacker".

So we had this very very thought teacher for history which was also our form master. She really knows how to explained everything about history and in an interesting way. But while she was teaching we also had to write down notes from her powerpoints that were on a projector. And occasionally she would wait for us to copy everything and then move on with her lecture. But sometimes she didn't. This was frustrating as hell. The whole class would complain about this because you couldn't take notes down normal, you had to do it at double speed.

But she got one weak spot. She was not very good with computers. Our school computers were locked in some kinda closet so that students didn't have physical access to a computer and were also password protected. So I came up with the plan to plant wireless mouse in her computer so that I could control her mouse. At that time it seemed like SUPER HACKER MASTER PLAN.

So I got an opportunity one time when she left the classroom and let closet where the computer was open. I quickly sneaked the USB of the wireless mouse in the computer and then go back to the seat.

So THE FUN began.

Firstly I would only go back in powerpoint so that all my schoolmates could write down notes including me. And it was hilarious to watch when she didn't know what is happening. So then I would move her mouse when she tried to close some window. I would just move it slightly so she wouldn't notice that somebody else is controlling mouse. And by missing X button just by slight she would click other things and other things would pop up and now she had to close this thing so it became a nightmare for her. And she would become angry at the mouse and start complaining how the computer doesn't work and that mouse doesn't obey her.

One time when she didn't pay attention to her computer and projector I went to paint program and drew a heart and wrote we love you (In Slovenian Imamo vas radi -> See the picture below) and one of my school mates has the picture of it. We were all giggling and she didn't know what is was for. And I managed to close everything before she even noticed.

So it got to the point where she couldn't hand it more so she called our school IT guy so that he would check her computer (2 or 3 weeks passed before she called IT guy). And he didn't find anything. He was really crappy IT guy in general. So one week passed by and I still had messed with her mouse. So she got a replacement computer. Who would guessed all the problems went away (because I didn't have another mouse like that). I guess when our IT guy took the computer to his room and really thoroughly check it he found my USB.

So he told her what was the problem she was so pissed off really I didn't see her pissed off so much in all my 4 years in high school. She demanded the apology from whom did it. And at that moment my mind went through all possible scenarios... And the most likely one was that I was going to be expelled... And I didn't have the balls to say that I did it and I was too afraid... Thanks to God nobody from my school mates didn't tell that it was me.

While she waited that somebody would come forward there was one moment when our looks met and at that moment both of us knew that I was the one that did it.

Next day the whole class wrote the apology letter and she accepted it. But for the rest of 4 years whenever was there a problem with the computer I had to fixed it and she didn't trust anybody not even our IT guy at school. It was our unwritten contract that I would repair her computer to pay off my sin that I did. And she once even trusted me with her personal laptop.

So to end this story I have really high respect for her because she is a great teacher and great persons that guide me through my teen years. And we stayed in contact.

Navy story time, and this one is lengthy.
As a Lieutenant Jr. I served for a year on a large (>100m) ship, with the duties of assistant navigation officer, and of course, unofficial computer guy. When I first entered the ship (carrying my trusty laptop), I had to wait for 2 hours at the officer's wardroom... where I noticed an ethernet plug. After 15 minutes of waiting, I got bored. Like, really bored. What on TCP/IP could possibly go wrong?
So, scanning the network it is. Besides the usual security holes I came to expect in ""military secure networks"" (Windows XP SP2 unpatched and Windows 2003 Servers, also unpatched) I came along a variety of interesting computers with interesting things... that I cannot name. The aggressive scan also crashed the SMB service on the server causing no end of cute reactions, until I restarted it remotely.
But me and my big mouth... I actually talked about it with the ship's CO and the electronics officer, and promptly got the unofficial duty of computer guy, aka helldesk, technical support and I-try-to-explain-you-that-it-is-impossible-given-my-resources guy. I seriously think that this was their punishment for me messing around. At one time I received a call, that a certain PC was disconnected. I repeatedly told them to look if the ethernet cable was on. "Yes, of course it's on, I am not an idiot." (yea, right)
So I went to that room, 4 decks down and 3 sections aft. Just to push in the half-popped out ethernet jack. I would swear it was on purpose, but reality showed me I was wrong, oh so dead wrong.
For the full year of my commission, I kept pestering the CO to assign me with an assistant to teach them, and to give approval for some serious upgrades, patching and documenting. No good.
I set up some little things to get them interested, like some NMEA relays and installed navigation software on certain computers, re-enabled the server's webmail and patched the server itself, tried to clean the malware (aka. Sisyphus' rock), and tried to enforce a security policy. I also tried to convince the CO to install a document management system, to his utter horror and refusal (he was the hard copy type, as were most officers in the ship). I gave up on almost all besides the assistant thing, because I knew that once I left, everything would go to the high-entropy status of carrying papers around, but the CO kept telling me that would be unnecessary.
"You'll always be our man, you'll fix it (sic)".
What could go wrong?
I got my transfer with 1 week's notice. Panic struck. The CO was... well, he was less shocked than I expected, but still shocked (I learned later that he knew beforehand, but decided not to tell anybody anything). So came the most rediculous request of all:
To put down, within 1 A4 sheet, and in simple instructions, the things one had to do in order to fulfil the duties of the computer guy.
I. SHIT. YOU. NOT.
My answer:
"What I can do is write: 'Please read the following:', followed by the list of books one must read in order to get some introductory understanding of network and server management, with most accompanying skills."
I was so glad I got out of that hellhole.

A guy is standing on the corner of the street smoking one cigarette after another.

A lady walking by notices him and says
"Hey, don't you know that those things can kill you? I mean, didn't you see the giant warning on the box?"

"That's OK" says the guy, puffing casually "I'm a computer programmer."

"So? What's that got to do with anything?"

"We don't care about warnings. We only care about errors".

Not my mom, but my wife's whole family. I'm a software developer.

So we're invited to her grandmother's 85th birthday celebration with pretty much every family member they could think to invite. 100+ people, and we all sit down in a circle in a huge room to watch a video that my wife's father and aunts/uncles put together.

They start the video and there's no sound. I'm a software developer, so I'm not an expert in hardware issues. I try to turn invisible, because every tech person knows what comes next, and this is in the center of a room of people I don't know.

After about 15 minutes of people struggling to get the audio working, one of the people remembers I "work with computer". Soon I have a dozen people calling me to the center of the room.

I begrudgingly make my way to the computer and projector. Upon inspection, I find that the computer is connected via VGA to the projector.

Me: "This cable only carries video. You need a different kind of cable, or you can hook up an AUX cable--the kind you use for headphones."
Other Guy: "I used this cable earlier and the audio was working."
Me: "...that's weird. Well, can we try plugging in an AUX cable?"
Yet Another Guy: "Will this help?" Holds up an HDMI cable
Me: "Oh, yeah! That should do it."
Other Guy: "I tried plugging that in, but it didn't change anything."
Me: "Hmmm..." Quickly unplug VGA and plug in HDMI, then click play.

The sound comes out in its full cheesy music glory. Everybody cheers, and I walk back to my seat. Throughout the rest of party, I'm approached by various other family members who ask me if I can fix X since I'm a "computer guy". Isn't it great to work in tech?

Overheard this guy talking to his friends about Python.

Guy: "Have you seen Python?? You basically just talk to the computer. There's no variables. You just go 'a = 2' and you can print 'a' and it'll give you 2! And there's no imports or anything!"

So before I resign from my job tomorrow I thought I'd talk a little about a couple of things at work that I won't ever tell my boss in person but are generally some of the reasons I want to leave.

---------- warning long rant ----------

1. The CEO of the company finds out I only have my learner's and take the bus, goes on to belittle me about taking the bus.

(It may have been meant as a joke but I was offended, and we don't have any actual HR to complain to)

First off my real reason for not getting my restricted is mostly related to the fact public transportation does the job it needs to, I don't really complain unless the planning is fucked up (Adele concert rant lol) but typically I don't need a car. The other reason is because with a car I'd have to wait in traffic 1-2 hour each way. Also cars cost money which I don't have.

2. CEO buys himself and general manager brand new Range Rovers, you know those giant monstrosities box jeep looking things.

I hate this because I earn $31k, those things probably cost around $50 each (so typically 3 years worth of my wages).

When I had a talk about my contract at the 6 month mark, the general manager (my boss) said he wouldn't budge on my salary (yet they buy these jeeps)

3. I live way too far from work and because of it being Auckland and the current inflation for house prices, the rent prices have also increase, I wouldn't be able to get a house closer to home nor rent with minimum wage :(

4. Though it's not too necessary they mask that the app was made by me, whenever I see an email about the app to potential clients they refer to be as this app guy, and during their presentations they don't really include as part of the reason this app has been developed ( aside from my boss being the client, I came up with some interesting ideas to turn their paper form of the process they use into a digital one, I also did research for the specific topics, something I could have just asked for instead).

5. Old fashioned way of looking at so called "IT", they added fixing computers to my contract which I dread, especially since I'll be close to a deadline and then I get a call to fix someone's computer...

6. They don't seem to want to expand their "development team" to more than one person.

When I give my resignation I have to stay here for a month and I bet people will start to act differently around me, my likely my boss and the CEO. I think the other people that work will understand, given my situation.

I'm planning to for the last month to only do planning for the app they want me to work on, UML diagrams, use cases, Sprint planning (albiet, only developer here lol). Research on the third party libraries we need for the app and generally give the next guy the easiest path to getting the app done.

I want to do this because the Android and iOS app we're done via cowboy programming in a sense. (I don't have too much in terms of documentation and planning aside from a Microsoft planning website setup with to-do of which features are done for the iOS and paper Todo for the Android app.

Alright long rant over, I've got it all written down, glad I'll be leaving this place.

I came from a village, we have animals (like a farm), pigs, chicken, sometimes duck and goose. One day I had to work from home, bc had to come back to parents house. Our daily skype meeting was like this:

* discussing very important IT stuff *
* grandma rushes into my room *
me: sorry, but i have a meeting
grandma: i just wan...
me: but i cannot right no...
grandma: just wanted to know if...
me: grandma, I cannot right now, we have a skyp... im talking with colleagues, on the computer
grandma: * quiet voice * okay, i dont want to interrupt, I just want to know - Did you ordered the ducks?
* what I hear in headphones: collegues and boss LOLd sooo hard *
me: ffs, what ducks?
grandma: did your father not give you the guys number?
me: * starting to sweat * what guy? no he didnt, i have no idea what youre talking about
grandma: * disappointed * then who gonna order them...?
me: ...
grandma: * standing next to me, she hears the laughter * whats that?

since then, if im working from home every skype meeting starts with "Tommy, is your grandma there? HAHA!"

God damn it, I'm a fucking computer guy. Not your fucking photographer. If you want pictures for YOUR website YOU fucking take them, NOT ME! Go step of a fucking lego.

Started university of applied sciences to become a computer engineer instead of a web developer.

Met a lot of kids that are in the "computer studies = games + YouTube".

They struggle hard, but don't do anything to learn...

Then there's this classmate, the guy is 10 years older than me, is trying really hard, and struggles a lot.

I've been helping him out with assigns by asking questions, and he asks me how to solve a problem in general, not the assignments which is super refreshing to see someone that wants to learn.

Currently trying to help him "translate" the simple stuff into c++:

So, if you want the char at a certain position in a string, how would you tell me to do it?

"well, take the list, look at position x and bam its done"

Try writing it like that!

And instead of "[i]" he writes "stringvar[i]"

He really appreciates the help and I hope he'll get the mindset soon :)

Would hate to lose a motivated guy when there's so many idiots copy pasting everything from tutorials...

Saw this quote in a local newspaper. The guy is against buying laptops for school kids which I also am against but he makes the wrong argument. 25 years ago my school had computer rooms where we learnt how to code and although I don't use that language now it is still the same concepts as any modern language.

Inspired by @h3ll, this is a combination of current and former coworkers:

Awkward Wizard:
This guy has the social skills of a microwaved dog turd. He is a genius, but working with him is about as uncomfortable as sticking a grill skewer in your eye and twisting it repeatedly until close of business. He laughs at inappropriate times, and every time he does, an unborn child tears its own ears off. He explains things in a way that only himself and Satan understand, then talks to you like you're a child when you don't follow his logic. He is the guy you hide when the CEO is around. His code is immaculate.

Backstab McGillacutty:
This bowl of bile is the son of a bitch that takes credit for everybody else's work. When you do something good, he was miraculously involved, but when you mess up, this twat is the dicknose that brings it up in retrospective and calls you out by name to the boss. You can usually find these guys talking shit about the CTO, until the boss quits. Then they buddy up with the CTO and become a Joel Osteen-esque evangelist for everything the CTO wants in a shitty, underhanded attempt to climb the ladder. Fuck this guy.

Professor Fuckwaffle:
This coworker used to teach Computer Science classes. Their resume is amazing, and they can speak to the most complex of design principles. This is the shitstain that you hire because of their skill and knowledge only to find out that ol' fuckwaffle can't apply the shit they spout to save their wretched lives. You'll spend more time listening to fuckwaffle lecture than you will reviewing their code (because they cant fucking write any!) You know the saying, those who can, do, and those who can't, teach? Yeah, that shit was written for Fuckwaffle.

Last but not least:
Scrumdumb:
This guy isn't even a coder. This guy is worse than the the scum you pour out of the bottom of a slow-cooker that you forgot to wash last time you made chicken. He's a non-technical PM. You know the type, right? He usually says "cloud infrastructure," "paradigm," "algorithm," "SDLC," etc but has no grasp of any of them. He often opens his dumpster to spout off something like "You can just create a new class for that" while talking about HTML. I won't waste any more breath on Scrumdumb, he already creates enough work for me.

Remember the WebDev guy from my last inspirational "rant"?

Well he called me and he somehow found a Support scammer

so I went over to his place and setup our "how to destroy a scammer's computer" kit which we got from a couple of friends in Discord and waited for the scammer to call.

And at long last, the scammer called,He setup a VM while I find his IP and RAT his computer, then went on to find other computers and check if they reside on the same LAN network.

at that point WebDev guy asked me "what are you planning to do?"

"Tell him this is your banking app" while presenting him a virus executable. "Don't click on that though". So he did, and they began the transfer and once the scammer clicked it on his computer (I was observing via RDP), we lost connection to the scammer's computer so I assumed the thing worked.

We were laughing our asses while in the middle of this fuckery.

Best moment in my life.

I work at a small retail store and we have quite a few regular customers who know I'm studying computer science because I'm always coding at work on my laptop.

One lady who comes in quite often and is very sweet asked me if I would take a look at her phone. She said she bought it and paid the owner of a phone repair store to set it up for her, but was felt like he did something weird to it. I told her I wasn't an expert but would look at it.

Oh my god. This guy set up her phone connected to his own personal icloud account. All of his music was on there. All of his contacts were on there. All of his pictures were on there. Even nude pictures of multiple people that this lady said she definitely does not know. I tell her this is very very wrong and no one in their right mind should've set her phone up this way.

I automatically think to factory reset. I'm unfamiliar with iPhone, as the last time I used one was an iPhone4 many years ago. I was unaware that apple applies an authentication lock when the phone is reset.
The authentication is set up underneath yet ANOTHER email address that belongs to this guy, as this lady promised me she has no knowledge of any email address similar to the one listed, nor does she have access to it.

I tell her to call the guy and ask for her money back and to unlock her phone so that she can reset it herself.

He claims that he cannot accept refunds if a factory reset has been performed.

Uhm, I am calling SOOOOO much bullshit. There should be absolutely no reason why the owner of the phone cannot factory reset it. The owner should be able to do ANYTHING she wants with it, without being locked out of it because some creep at a repair store did NOT DO HIS JOB CORRECTLY AND HE KNOWS IT. Why else would he claim he can't refund if it's been reset, because he KNOWS she got locked out.

So long story short I talked on the phone with him and cussed him out telling him he was wrong for taking advantage of someone who doesn't know much about technology and that he was invading privacy and violating her security and that i would report him if he didn't fully refund her and unlock her phone.

He gave her all of her money back, unlocked the phone (which she is deciding to sell because she got so scared by this), and I'm still filing a complaint against this man and his store. Who knows how many more clueless people he did this too. Fucking scumbag.

We moved to a new office floor and got a brand new set up. My new extension monitor died just after 4 hours of use, it was showing a black screen a with couple of colourful lines running down the screen.

Got the IT guy to come and replace it. He says he must test it with a display cable even though the screen was dead without any input source. (Ok fine cbf arguing with you, just do it.)

*Magicarp used splash, nothing happened*

Realising I was right, he gave the ok for another guy to replace my monitor.

Second guy comes to my desk and realised he forgot the electric screwdriver. (Sigh, how long must I wait...) After he finally finished installing​ the new monitor he plugged the display cable into a random display port without looking.

*Magicarp used splash, nothing happened*

Since the monitor wasn't displaying anything, he jumped into asking me to restart my computer. I gave him "the wtf are you stupid face" and just said "NO". I looked over to where he plugged the cable and asked why he plugged into the "dp out" port.

I plugged the cable to the correct port and monitor was working.

Felt like I can do their job better without any experience in IT support.

PS. Don't play the "please restart your computer" card on me. I also work in technology.

This is my river baby, a laptop that was broken by its previous owner. It came to me with many dents (I covered those with stickers) and in a not booting state for about $300 after the guy dropped it in a river in South America.

- There is river sediment inside the screen, as well as the motherboard.
- If I put two sticks of RAM in it, the display artifacts all over the place and the computer crashes randomly. One slot must be empty.
- The ODD was filled with literal garbage. There is now a hard drive in its place.
- Running Windows through a VM would cause the WiFi to fail in a confusing manner. No one had ever seen that type of error before. I had to reseat the AirPort card.
- At one point, the power button stopped working, so I removed the keyboard and would start the computer by shorting two pads on the motherboard with a screwdriver.
- I’ve had all sorts of strange issues with it because of the water damage.
- I colored the keyboard with cellophane... 😅

After taking it apart for the 100th time, it’s now completely stable. I’ve had it for about 4 years, but it’s getting slow. I’m not sure what will come after the beloved river baby...

this guy recursively FUCKED his computer with 1 weird trick. microsoft it HATES him

In the school we were using slow PCs for learning MS Office things. Every single step we did took ages. There were one guy who was an informatics antitalent: he never were able to work fluently with any electric machine from a microwave to anything smarter. In addition he was a semi-pro athlete and he had some kind of anger management issues, sometimes yelled to the teacher after a bad mark or with us when we lost a in-school soccer match. You know, he was that competitive guy.
One time on computer science class he was very focused. He tried to follow every steps precisly and his machine seemed faster than as usual. He felt like he broke some kind of wall which was between he and the machine.
When we had a break and he went out we tought that we should make a prank. We made a fullscreen screenshot from the desktop and set it as the wallpaper, then killed explorer.exe. As a result the icons and the start menu was only on the screen by the wallpaper.
When he came back he said that there were some bad news from some of the sport event he wanted to go, so he was angry. But then... You know the gif when the guy first hit the side of the screen multiple times then throws out the machine? Yeah, we saw that in real life, but not in that office. First he was just clicking everywhere, we just watched how his face just transforming. Then he started to talk just in himself as the machine could understand. After two minutes he just yelled to the machine why did it freeze, but the last drop was when the teacher said: You'll have to send me your work and it will be marked. In this moment he was just roard a huge and droped the CRT out of the window from the second floor. Luckily the window was facing to a brushy part of the garden so no one was there. He just standed there, looked out to the CRT sitting in a brush for a while, then he turned to the teacher as "Mr, I think something is wrong with my machine"

So. A while ago I was on OkCupid, trying to find the Pierre to my Marie Curie (without the whole brain getting crushed under a horse carriage wheel obviously) and I decided the best way was to have my profile lead with my passion for technology. It turned out pretty unique, if I do say so myself.

At the end of it, I amassed some interesting and unique messages:

- A Java pickup line (that I never responded to. Yes I'm a very basic Devranter)

- A request to turn the man's software into hardware (to which I politely informed him that this was scientifically impossible unless a reader proves me wrong)

- Another impossible request to turn his floppy disk into a hard drive (how outdated too, why not HDD to SSD for faster speed amirite? That was awful don't mind me)

- A sincere request to help troubleshoot a laptop (Honestly I would've helped with help requests but this is a dating site...)

- A sincere request to help debug a student project followed with a link to a GitHub repo

- Another sincere request with studying for a computer exam

- And lastly, my favourite: a sincere job offer by a guy who went from flirtatious to desperate for a programmer in a minute. He was looking for *insert python, big data, buzzwords here* and asked me for a LinkedIn. I proceeded to inquire exactly what he wanted me to do. He then asks me to WRITE a Python tutorial and that he would pay a few cents per word written so he could publish it. Literally no programming involved.

Needless to say I went to look elsewhere.

On a french TV show:
Animator: So Jean-Pierre what do you do in life?
Jean-Pierre: well, I'm a computer ingineer
A: Oh, so you're the guy we call when the printer is fucked?
JP: Absolutely not, I'm the one who make programs and softwares that don't work, so they call us again

Literally me 😂

Alias coworker = high school classmate

This kid wore a trench coat to school every single day and I guess he had a chronic masturbation problem because the guy was caught 3 different times IN CLASS jerking off.
Most people would catch a sexual harassment / indecent exposure / public masturbation charge, but this kid was breaking all these national math competition records and was working with a local university doing research and had a 4.5+ GPA (in high school in U.S. that's possible) so the school decided to do 2 things.

1. Not punish the kid, and in fact nothing of this was ever put on any record at all.
2. Write him a note from school administrators saying that this student can leave class whenever he would like no questions asked, and that the teacher must notify the office so they could send a security guard in order for this masturbation obsessed student to literally occupy a bathroom as his jerk off chamber uninterrupted.

So if in the past 6-7 years you've been in a high caliber university studying computer science and there was a kid in a trench coat "feeding some geese" near you, you can thank my high school.

My last wk93 story, the time we discovered school faculty was spying on students and we uncovered student's deepest secrets.

I call it, kiddiegate.

So if you've read my past rants you've noticed I did some pretty childish and reckless stuff with my highschool's systems when I was younger, but nothing compares to this thing.

After resetting the sysadmin account pwd on some machines it occurred to me I could write a keylogger to capture teachers Moodle accounts and so on, I decided to try it out on a regular lab computer first.

Imagine my surprise when I found a hidden keylogger already installed! I couldn't believe it but then I thought, what if other PC's have it? So I recruited my mates and teached them the process to check if a PC had been infected...ALL PCs were, over 30 computers we checked had been logging for over 3 months! That damn sysadmin! >:[

We were shocked and angry, but then I thought "hey. . . My work has been done for me, better take advantage"

So we did, we extracted each log and then removed it from the PCs along with the keyloggers. There were hundreds of records and then one day we started snooping into the fb accounts of some students (we shouldn't have) we uncovered so many nasty, shocking secrets...

One of the school's lady's man had a drunk one nighter with one of our gay friends, the most secluded and shy guy was sexting like crazy with 15 chicks at the same time, things like that...we promised to never say a word and deleted the logs.

After that we didn't do much and continued highschool as every teenage minor should, getting drunk and avoiding responsibilities, though we could never see many of our classmates the same way. The sysadmin was fired shortly after I graduated, no reason was stablished.

I want to clear out we were minors and laws in my country weren't clearly stablished at the time plus no harm was ever done. I don't condone hacking or any kind of illegal activity, just thought I'd share.

Haven’t been on here for ages, but I felt like I needed to post this:

Warning:
This is long, and it might make you cry.

Backstory:
A couple of months back I worked for a completely clueless dude who had somehow landed a contract for a new website for a huge company. After a while he realised that he was incapable of completing the assignment. He then hired me as a subcontractor and I deleted literally everything he had done and started from scratch. He had over promised and under explained what needed to be done to me. It took many sleepless nights to get this finished with all the amendments and I had to double my pricing because he kept changing the brief.

Even after doubling my prices I still put in way too many hours of work. At one point I had enough and just ghosted the guy as I had done what he asked, and when he submitted it to them they wanted changes. He couldn’t make the changes, so I had to. He wouldn’t pay me extra though. I decided it wasn’t worth my time.

A couple of days ago I heard from him again. He had found another subcontractor to finish the changes. He still needed a few things though, so he promised me that I would get paid after fixing those things. I looked at the few things he had listed in our KANBAN and thought it was a few easy tasks.. until I opened the project..

I had my computer set up to sync with his server because he wanted everything done live and in production. So I naturally thought I would just “sync down” everything that the other subcontractor had done.

Here is where the magic started to happen.. I started the sync and went to grab a glass of water, and it was still running when I came back. I looked at the log and saw a bunch of “node_module” files syncing - around 900 folders. Funny thing is; neither the site nor server has anything to do with node..

I disregarded this and downloaded the files in a more manual fashion to a new folder. Interestingly I could see that my SCSS folders had not been touched since I stopped working on the project.. interesting, I thought to myself..

Turns out, the other subcontractor had taken my rendered and minimised CSS file, prettified it and worked from there. This meant that the around ~1500 lines of SCSS neatly organised in around 20 files was suddenly turned into a monster of a single CSS file of no less than 17300 lines.

I tried to explain to the guy that the other subcontractor had fucked up, but he said that I should be able to fix it since I was the one that made it initially. I haven’t replied. My life is too short for this.

Intelligence and ability cannot be measured by education.

I have a client who asked a Master in Computer Science to develop a small system, for querying product title and their code. The guy used python, vanilla js, and... Txt file for the "database". Then my client asked me to integrated this in... WordPress.

This was in 2016. And idiot as I'm, I agreed and adapted his code to use php and a database.

April this year, my client said they are still using the python system to add new products all this time, in parallel. And wanted to update the WordPress with the data.

- No problem! - I said. Just send me the SQL file.

So the Master in CS sent me a SQL coded in ANSI. I asked for the SQL again, but with a more appropriate encoding. He took 1 month to reply back, and said it would be better if I get rid of the database and just use the txt file for querying.

This is outrageous.

I really hate people who are educated but completely useless.

I found a cool project on GitHub. I forked it and added a simple dev server with the intent of making it more accessible which could lead to more activity = improved project. I created a PR with small concise commits with very informative messages.

The guy who owns the project comments and says "I don't want your dev server, I have an apache instance locally on my computer". I tell him "Ok sure, but wouldn't it be nice if everyone else also had a nice dev server which can be started with a single command?", and other people join the PR and agree with me that we should make it available for everyone.

But the fucking idiot doesn't care, "No, I prefer to use my apache server". YOU FUCKING ASS WIPE, why do you even put it up on GitHub if you don't want contributions to make your project better and more available? I saw other open PRs where he basically did the same thing, left a snarky comment without merging it. What a fucking tool. Worst spent time ever.

FUCK YOU

My first internship was unpaid. "For the experience" and shit. My first task was to clear out an entire office full to the literal ceiling with the phones of people who had been laid off or quit. There were now just three old guys in the entire office. And me. Go figure. I need to find that picture, it's truly unbelievable.
My next task was to sort cables in the store room. Mind you, this was supposed to be a software dev internship.

I consistently had to ASK for work to do. If I didn't, I would just sit in my new office all day doing homework and playing with linux liveCDs and nobody cared.

So the third task they gave me was to try to restore a very old (like XP old) computer that had a broken hard drive, literally broken. Said they wanted to "repurpose it." As busy work I guess.

So I scrounged around the cleptomaniacal cesspool of dated and neglected tech and found a hard drive. Pop it in, chkdsk, fdisk, good to go. Spend hours installing XP while sorting more random cables and doing my homework because honestly writing a history paper is more valuable to my dev career than this complete bullshit. Finally get the thing working and go to report the miracle of rebirth to my higher-up. He says "oh cool," doesn't smile, and hands me a list of software to install.

I come back 20 minutes later - "Hey, most of these require corporate licenses."

Guy says "yup" and goes back to ignoring me. Never gives me a company card to buy licenses, or a list of ones already bought. I've revived the computer equivalent of Moses from the computer equivalent of permadeath just for this asshole to completely disregard that and give me an(other) impossible task, just to get me off his back. Excuse me for imposing with free (then-child) labor, you ass.
I spend maybe another week there doing homework in the office I cleaned and contemplating stealing everything of value. I guarantee they wouldn't have noticed though, which somehow made the idea less appealing.

I quit by texting my boss.

He never replied.

I wish I had stolen their laptop RAM.
It's probably still sitting on boss's shelf collecting dust and being a miserable, outdated fucking waste of space, just like him and his two remaining coworkers.

*girl in office call IT guy*
Girl: my computer isn't working
Guy: what happened?
Girl: screen is blank.. nothing on it
Guy: ok... I'll replace the monitor (starts unplugging)
Girl: wait.. wait.... I didn't took backup yet..
Guy: *face plam*

First day on new job. Hardware guy comes to my office, says "Hi, here is your computer" (no eye contact) and leaves a pile of boxes on the floor.

A few hours later I finished building the computer from scratch lol.
Not sure if it was some kind of test or just him being weird 😂

This rant means YOU if you are one of those people that "fix" their family's computers.

I was visiting my family over the holidays and while I managed to stay away from fixing their computers for the most time, I offered to help my grandfather to update the Garmin navigation device he wanted to gift my father. (They do not use smartphones for navigation, and my father doesn't want "these modern shitty phones".)

When booting up my grandfather's laptop, I realized something odd: Linux Mint boot screen. Wut?

And immediately I said: "It could be impossible to update your navigation device on this laptop."

As true enough, the Garmin Express update software requires either a Windows PC or a Mac; and even though I vaguely hoped it might be possible to upgrade through Linux, I just could not be bothered to find out that day.

What I wondered though is why did my grandfather of all people ran Linux!?

Don't get me wrong, I use Linux myself on my work machine and I never want to work with something else when coding; yet my grandfather is an end user of the show-me-where-and-what-and-how-often-to-click-kind.

What could he gain by it?

As it turns out, the computer nerd's friend of my uncle managed his PC. And my uncle and he decided unanimously my grandfather should better run Linux. Is it something my grandfather needs? No. BUT IT'S RIGHT! Suck it up! (My father's laptop therefore also runs Linux Mint. So he can't upgrade his new device either.)

This is the ugly kind of entitled nerd-dom I truly detest.

When discussing things further, my grandfather told me that he had problems ever since with his printer. Under Windows, he knew how to print on the special photo paper. Under Linux, all he can barely manage is to print on normal papers. Shame, printing photos was the only thing he liked doing on that device. What did my uncle's friend tell him?

"Get a decent printer!"

Fuck that guy.

It's fine if Linux works for you, but before you install it on a PC of a relative, you better make sure it fits their needs! If you have that odd member that only wants to write letters, read emails, use facebook, and wants to play that browser game, feel free to introduce them to Linux.

Yet if they have any special wish, don't stand in their way.

If they want to do something that requires a certain OS, don't just decide for them that their desire is wrong, but help them achieve their goal. If you can't align that with your ideology, then get the fuck out of my way and stop "helping".

For some people, a computer is a device to achieve a certain goal, a work. They only get hindered by your ill-advised attempts at virtue signalling.

We recently got a new trainee (Not sure if its correct germans correct me i mean "Praktikant"). This guy studied computer Engineering and canceld his studies to work as a developer. So this guy is working on a typo 3 Page for a Client and asks me for help because He got a follding error. Im in the last year of My studies btw. He sends me very Bad formatted HTML template file. I quickly correct the formatting and fix the 3 open Tags That He forogt to Close. send it back to him and walk to his workplace to See him integrate it to his own code again. He Double clicks the HTML file an Google Chrome opens. He then looks at me and says and Where is the code. I say to him That he just opened the HTML file with his Browser. And He responds with yes but i wanted to See the code Not this.

Im done for today 😑😑

I remember my first software engineer internship, the boss was terrible. He was cheap and only hired interns we had 0 guidance. This mother fucker would say shit in meetings like "hey we should start providing DBAAS, similar to DynamoDB start researching it I want a prototype by Wednesday" Wtf this guy is nuts. The overall product was suppose to be a fucking virtual machine hosting platform to compete with AWS, Digital Ocean, RackSpace etc designed by BS computer science interns lol. This guy tells us in a meeting one day "You know what's the difference between those guys (the competitors) and us?" We all looked around lost. This pompous ass hole says "Me , that's the difference you guys have me " 😂 what a fucking joke , not to mention all he has is a shitty math degree from a bullshit no name college in India, no developing experience what so ever. Man o man I never met anyone that was so fucking stupid but thought they were so fucking smart

I made a website for a guy, been keeping a casual eye on it and it's fine, if boring.

Then he calls in a panic to tell me it's been hacked, there is porn everywhere and funny underlined words and I must fix it right now!

So I drop what I'm doing and access the site and it's fine. I use a few different devices and even a couple of different networks and can't see a thing wrong with it.

Then I spent half an hour on the phone trying to convince him that his own shady surfing habits are causing this on his computer only.

I get the feeling he didn't believe me because he hasn't paid the latest invoice..

It were around 1997~1998, I was on middle school. It was a technical course, so we had programing languages classes, IT etc.

The IT guy of our computer lab had been replaced and the new one had blocked completely the access on the computers. We had to make everything on floppy disks, because he didn't trusted us to use the local hard disk. Our class asked him to remove some of the restrictions, but he just ignored us. Nobody liked that guy. Not us, not the teachers, not the trainees at the lab.

Someday a friend and me arrived a little bit early at the school. We gone to the lab and another friend that was a trainee on the lab (that is registered here, on DevRant) allowed us to come inside. We had already memorized all the commands. We crawled in the dark lab to the server. Put a ms dos 5.3 boot disk with a program to open ntfs partitions and without turn on the computer monitor, we booted the server.

At that time, Windows stored all passwords in an encrypted file. We knew the exact path and copied the file into the floppy disk.

To avoid any problems with the floppy disk, we asked the director of the school to get out just to get a homework we theorically forgot at our friends house that was on the same block at school. We were not lying at all. He really lived there and he had the best computer of us.

The decrypt program stayed running for one week until it finds the password we did want: the root.

We came back to the lab at the class. Logged in with the root account. We just created another account with a generic name but the same privileges as root. First, we looked for any hidden backup at network and deleted. Second, we were lucky: all the computers of the school were on the same network. If you were the admin, you could connect anywhere. So we connected to a "finance" computer that was really the finances and we could get lists of all the students with debits, who had any discount etc. We copied it to us case we were discovered and had to use anything to bargain.

Now the fun part: we removed the privileges of all accounts that were higher than the trainee accounts. They had no access to hard disks anymore. They had just the students privileges now.

After that, we changed the root password. Neither we knew it. And last, but not least, we changed the students login, giving them trainee privileges.

We just deleted our account with root powers, logged in as student and pretended everything was normal.

End of class, we went home. Next day, the lab was closed. The entire school (that was school, mid school and college at the same place) was frozen. Classes were normal, but nothing more worked. Library, finances, labs, nothing. They had no access anymore.

We celebrated it as it were new years eve. One of our teachers came to us saying congratulations, as he knew it had been us. We answered with a "I don't know what are you talking about". He laughed and gone to his class.

We really have fun remembering this "adventure". :)

PS: the admin formatted all the servers to fix the mess. They had plenty of servers.

I just had my first "Microsoft you have a virus on your computer" scam call today and I managed to waste 29 minutes of their time, collect 4 numbers to report and call the guy and asshole in the end.

You know how it is when all your friends know you as the "computer guy".

Friend: Yo, I need this small script for school, can you do it for me?

Me: I don't really...

Friend: Come on, pretty please.

Me: See I...

Friend: I'll pay you good for this.

Me: Oh... What language does it have to be in, Python? JavaScript? Ruby? Perl? I don't know it but it shouldn't be too hard, I can learn it. Bash? Not a fan but it's quite easy. So what is it?

...

Friend: Visual Basic

Me: oh...

This was last week. 2017. A couple of days before 2018. Some schools still teach VB. Not even VB .NET.

(He had about 200 good reasons so I did it anyway. But boy, has that been a chore)

An application based on a single MySQL stored procedure that contained all the application business logic inside of it (plus a poor webapp that simply called it). The stored procedure had 97 (yes, NINETY SEVEN) parameters... and about half of them were boolean flag used for enabling/disabling another parameter. I think that Uncle Bob could follow you holding an AK-47 if he saw that. The saddest part is that the shit was written by a guy having a PhD in computer science, and he knew that was bad, but the boss asked him to do it in that way. The guy left the company before I joined it and I had to maintain that crap. Guys, the first time I saw it I thought that should be a joke. Code generated by decompilers was easier to read, maybe even Brainfuck. I tried complaining with the boss but she said that the system was wonderful and very efficient. This was one of the reasons I moved to another company after some months.

I.
FUCKING.
*HATE*.
THIS.
KIND.
OF.
PEOPLE!!

I KNOW that you don't understand what you're doing or saying, THAT'S WHY I JUST TOLD YOU A VERY SHORT, SIMPLE, AND CLEAR SENTENCE TO SAY WORD-FOR-WORD TO THE OTHER GUY WHO, IF HE'S AT LEAST HALF-COMPETENT SHOULD IMMEDIATELY UNDERSTAND AND RESPOND WITH *FOUR* *WORD* *ANSWER* and instead of that you blabber on for 5 minutes how you don't know what to say to him and how to explain what we need (FUCKIN ADMIN LOGIN YOU BOTH WINEFLY-BRAINED MORONS!), and he blabbers for 5 minutes back something something bullshit someone else and then REMOTES INTO THE COMPUTER, AND DOES A SYSTEM REINSTALL OR REMOVES DUDE'S USER ACCOUNT OR SOME SHIT LIKE THAT BECAUSE MY SKYPE CALL WITH THE DUDE DROPS AND NEXT TIME DUDE IS CALLING ME HE'S CONFUSED ABOUT SYSTEM SETUP SCREENS!!!!!!

WHAT!!!!
THE!!!!!
SHIIIIIITTT!!!!

told him sorry but call the fucker who fucked it up for you, i'm not wasting two hours of my time just because some school "IT admin" thinks the best solution for user not knowing his admin login is to remotely trigger a reinstall or someshit on the machine.

My second year of high-school, we started having class in computer science. I was really looking forward to it cause I always wanted to learn programming.

On first sight it appeared that the professor which taught the class knew something, he looked like a genuine geek with those dorky glasses, briefcase and pants like Steve Urkel, but after couple of his lessons you could see he had no real dev experience and just basic understanding of programming in theory. He was more reading stuff from the book than he was trying to explain them to students and give some real world examples.

So it was just one these days, everybody got back from vacation, it's hot outside, the guy is just reading sentences from his book, half of students talk with each other and other half doesn't give a fuck about him or his class. Pretty sure I was the only one trying to listen to him and learn something from his recitals.

All of a sudden he notices the atmosphere in the classroom, slams the book shut, gives out couple of F-s to the loudest students and yells out loud "NONE OF YOU IN THIS ROOM WILL EVER ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING IN YOUR LIFE, BARE ALONE IN PROGRAMMING"

At first I felt like shit, but soon after that I started thinking "who the hell are you to tell me what I could or will accomplish in my life". Couple weeks later I've bought myself a first book in programming and started learning C++ late at night since I understood that I won't learn anything about programming in that school. Two years later I was correcting this same professor with his claims on a whiteboard in front of a whole class.

Today, seven years after his words I'm a developer living in foreign country with what I could say somewhat a solid experience and understanding of how both software and web are build, while that same professor still recites to his pupils difference between assembly and object code, while praying nobody asks him where and how these are used. For maybe a quarter of my paycheck. So much about his psychic powers..

I think this is so far one of the most priceless WTF moments I encountered at my current work:

A coworker of mine came up to me explaining the problem he had with russian characters in the filename. He explained in detail that everything works ok (the other part of the code he was fixing) if he changes the name of the file to test1.xlsx for example which doesn't use russian characters. OK great.

Then he goes on to show me how he fixed the other stuff and of course everything blows up. The file he used for demonstration was of course the original file our cusotomer provided, he just deleted the obvious russian chars and left the rest.

МТС != MTC

I cracked up: but you still have russian chars in the name.
The guy: no way, I deleted them all.
Me: but what about that МТС in the name?! Guy: what about it?
Me: did you actually typed that in or you left it there?! Those are russian chars that are fucking things up for you.
Guy: no way, it's MTC.
Me: checked the logs, you have ??? In the filename instead of МТС..don't you find that at least a little bit suspicious?!
Guy: but it looks the same. How does it (the computer) know it is in russian?!? //Why doesn't it understand?!

O.o I still can't believe it.. Is it just me & my high standards, or should it be normal for coders to know things such as character encoding & stuff?!?

I almost died of laughter, he and some other guy had problems finding customers in the software due to not being able to type the russian chars << happened more then once before, even after I told them about a quick hack on how to use google translate onboard keyboard & other stuff to make proper chars so they can get a match..

I think when they bury me, I'll still be facepalming and laughing over this incident. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

I met some guys who were Computer Engineering students who were studying web platform as a hobby aside from IoT lessons at school, they met me at my school's library coding stuff and I noticed one of them messing around with yum

"Is that Fedora?" I said, because I wasn't familiar what are the package managers of every distro.

"No, it's CentOS" the guy replied, he also noticed I was coding in a cloud IDE, so he was amazed. He asked if he can use C# there, can he share his workspace, etc.He also asked what's my course. I replied " i'm jsut a senior high student". And they were out of words.

after that, I always think that my skills are way ahead of my age. I don't know my brain anymore, but I felt badass

Story time:

Ok so I'm in school and I'm on the computers we have to do a project on them the with rest of the class and I'm sitting beside this guy let's call him Bob (not his real name) anyways so Bob is working away on his computer and I'm trying to move documents and i decided to use cmd for it so opened it and then bob saw the cmd window and yelled "TEACHER HE'S TRYING TO HACK THE SCHOOL" then my teacher came over who has no idea how to operate computer like the rest of the class im surprised they can even turn the computer on anyways my teacher comes over and yells "PRINCIPALS OFFICE RIGHT NOW" and I'm like WTF?! anyways I have to explain to the principal what I was doing but she didn't understand so I go detention that day. Thanks a lot BOB!

*INCOMING CALL FROM MY NETWORK PROVIDER*

HI,

I'm calling from *my network provider* and I wanted to check if you would like to port to our network.

This happened 3 times in a day already. And now 4th time.

Me : Look man, I'm already on the same network and I don't need to port.

Guy : You should have told this to me in the beginning. You wasted my time in not doing that.

THIS CUM DRINKING PIECE OF SHIT PUNKASS BITCH MOTHERFUCKER COULDN'T DO A SIMPLE SEARCH ON HIS COMPUTER BEFORE GIVING ME A CALL AND THEN TELLS ME I WASTED HIS TIME.

I developed a simple scholarship management system for my school using Laravel, MySQL, jQuery and Bootstrap, I did it for free since college students from my country have to pay social service to get their degrees. Everyone in the scholarships department seemed to be really happy with my work and they evaluated my social service with 10/10, but yesterday they asked for one last favor: to go talk to the new social service guy who'll be supposed to maintain my project, a mid 30's dude who was really pissed off from the beginning because he wasn't even able to deploy the project, he wasn't even able to clone the project from Github. Ok, so I tried to explain to him the tools I used and how the project was structured, but everything I said seemed to piss him even more, so I stopped and had a chat like:

Me: "Look man, do you know or at least have basic concepts of PHP and MVC frameworks?"

Guy: "Yes, but I'm a project manager, not just –despectively– any programmer, and you didn't write proper documentation, it's impossible to deploy your project with the manual you wrote, I cannot work like this".

*We go to their computer and I clone and setup the project in 3 minutes.

Guy: "Yes, but I still don't know how the project works, I need everything documented. If I have to change something, I don't know where to look.

Me: "Man, that's why asked you about knowing PHP MVC frameworks".

Guy: "I cannot work like this, nothing is documented, I don't even know what's that software you're using *points at Sublime Text*. Or tell me, can you arrive at a place where they expect you to work with something you don't know and they have no documentation?"

*At this point he was really pissed

Me: "Well... Dealing with non-documented software is what I do for a living"

Guy: "I don't know what companies you've worked for, probably not big ones..."

Me: "Well, I actually work for *I mention one of the biggest music apps in the country*"

*Guy ironically laughs

When I gave my feedback to the lady in charge of the department, I told her that this guy was really pissed off at how things were done and that I wasn't so sure of him being capable of maintaining the system. She told me not to worry, that the guy became a well known asshole in the office only after a few days, and that she'll probably have to find something else for him to do. It'd be hilarious if this guy ends up capturing scholarships in the system I made.

Okay lets write this before i go mad...

I'm one of those guys who says "use the os which suits you the most, or you're most familiar with", and i'v always been a windows guy, didn't really have any reason to use linux, because for school stuff, or programming (java and android and c) windows was great enough...

BUT MOTHERF@CKERS at microsoft, i'v had enough...
First my handheld computer goes nuts, because windows is eating 80% of processor, and if i fix it, then some other kind of windows related thing eats up that much, and you know what? I've been okay with that, because thats only a handheld computer, but boy, didn't my main computer start to do the same?!?
I cannot do anything, basically i start something trivial up (by trivial i mean trivial, like idk, a texteditor not even a browser, or an ide or anything that would take a bit of more ram) and my computer cant do shit....

I'm so mad.... Currently installing elemantary os... F@ck this shit i'm out...

(And lets not forget the hours of 'updates' which dont do shit....)

This happend to me around 2 weeks ago. For some reason, I decied to post this now.

I won the lottery, yey! I mean, bot really, but I am <19yo student, "less than junior dev" in my office, but sonce I am the only one who is capable of working with hardware, I was working month back as a sysadmin for a few days. Our last sysadmin was really good working but really, really toxic guy, so he got fired on a spot after argument with some manager or whatever, no big deal, we could have another guy hired in a week. But, our backup server literally was on fire, all data probably dead because bad capacitor or whatever. This was our only backup of everything at the time. Everyone in full fucking panic mode, we had literally no other working HW we could use for backup, but then comes me, intern employed on his first dev job for 3 months. That day I bought some HW for my own personal server at home (Intel NUC with some Celeron, 4GB DDR4 RAM and two 240GB SSDs for RAID 1. My manager asked everyone in the office for sollution how to survive next 4 days before new server arrives. People there had no idea what tk do and no knowedgle about HW, I just came from a break and offered my components for a week, since there was noone else who can work with HW, servers and stuff like this, manager offered me $500+HW cost if I, random intern, can make it work. I installed Debian on that little PC, created RAID1 from both SSDs, installed MySQL server and mirrored GIT server from our last standing server (we had two before one of them went lit 🔥), made simple Python script to copy all data on that RAID, with some help of our database guy copied whole DB from production to this little computer and edited some PHP so every SQL request made on our server will run on that NUC too. Everything after ±2 hours worked perfectly. Untill a fucking PSU burned in our server and took RAID controller with him in sillicon heaven next night, so we could not access any data unltill we got a new one. Thanks to every god out there, I was able to create software RAID from survived HDDs on our production server and copy all data from that NUC on the servers software RAID and make it working at 3 AM in the night before an exam 😂. Without this, we would be next ±40 hours without aerver running and we might loose soke of our data and customers. So my little skill with Linux, Python, MySQL and most importantly my NUC hardware I got that day running as a backup server saved maybe whole company 😂.
Btw, guess who is now employee of the year with $2500 bonus? 😀
Sorry for bragging and log post, but I was so lucky an so happy when everything worked out, good luck to all sysadmins out there! 👍

TL:DR: Random intern saved company and made some money 😂

TL;DR Setup computer for new guy @ office, he got mad about software he was missing that we weren't told he needed, so he complained to the director above our department and got us in trouble.

I work for a small company, in which the I.S. Department is 8 people (Manager Included). We do everything from setting up computers and fixing printer problems to writing custom software for in-house use. Kind of a "Renaissance Department" if you will.

So a few weeks ago we were asked to set up a computer for a brand new user, meaning he would need email setup, a domain account, etc. We were also given a (very) small list of programs he would need to do his job. No problemo, took me 30 minutes, and he was good to go.

Last week I met the guy because he was training at the general office and his training computer lacked a few tools. Since I was called to remedy that situation, I introduced myself, told him if he ever had any problems to let me know and I would get him fixed up.

Now today, 5/5/2017, 15 seconds after walking into the door of the department, I am pulled aside by my boss and asked if I setup up the new guys desktop, to which I proudly replied yes. Come to find out the (very) small list of tools we were told he needed was incomplete, so he was missing stuff (how the fuck were we supposed to know that). So what does the new fuck do? HE COMPLAINS TO A DIRECTOR ABOVE OUR DEPARTMENT SAYING THE IT GUYS DIDN'T SETUP HIS COMPUTER PROPERLY! Like holy shit dude, why not send me a fucking email like you did before telling me you needed stuff? I would have GLADLY fucking helped. Now I hope your computer catches on fire. Or you get fired. I'll take either one.

This happened a while back but thought it would be an interesting story.

So there is this guy, I'll call him Jack. Jack was a weirdo. He just graduated high school but thought of himself as very hot in terms of dev skills. He boasted lots of good programs, that are the best in industry, except they don't work (like the best proven file compressor, that just can't decompress anything because of some "bugs"). He also entered language holy wars quite actively, saying that Delphi is the best platform ever.

Aaanyway, a couple of years pass. Jack is now a student. Jack tries to make some money, so he talks to some guy, that offers him a "job" at the tax office, where he has to modernize the data infrastructure of the tax authorities. If you think this sounds very wrong, then you're 100% correct. But it gets better. After 2 months of work, the guy manages to do that. It's a simple CRUD application after all.

So everything works, but the guy who gave him this job refused to pay. He stalled and then just stopped answering the phone. Jack is now furious. So what he does, is publish the databases online, so everyone could see the income of every citizen. Authorities are in panic. They send the police to his door. They seize his computer and lock him up for a few days.

To sum it all up: Jack took up a job, without any contract, without any NDA, which is completely illegal in of itself, but he did that with the tax authority. And delivered the product before getting paid. And when he understood that he was owned, he published all online. He got bit back. The guy who gave him this job had no consequences for illegally hiring someone and not paying for their work.

Lesson: Don't be Jack

Ahem ahem.
*clears throat*

Front end bois, listen that carefully.
YOU DONT FUCKIN TELL THE BACKEND HOW TO ACCEPT REQUESTS.

Backend creates the fuckin methods, the parameters and the responses, AND YOU FUCKIN ADAPT TO IT.

This guy at my work, we are both from Uni but i picked backend because i suck at frontend and i like using backend languages, sends me a message and tells me he can't make the project work.

At this time i have almost finished my part, i have made the method, have checked that they work, and i closed the work computer.

And now he tells me he wants to make a GET request instead of POST. LISTEN HERE MOTHERFUCKER. The methods are ready, adapt to them and shut the fuck up.

And before you tell me some methods don't work, make fuckin sure your part is correct because if i boot up the work laptop again to check why the method you have told me doesn't work, and it still does the job it was intented to do but you can't fix your part, i will fuckin cut your throat.

Sucker.
I do my part, and have to study for uni exams, since you don't have to because you have passed them, do your self a favor and fuckin learn to do things.

It's not my fault that i got experience on my own while you were just only doing our uni retarded projects and didn't bother to learn anything on your own.

I don't mean by any needs that i'm better than you but fuckin accept that i have learned something else that you have not and i would like to share the knowledge with you since you didn't bother.

I did a 3 years study in computer science.

I got an intern that is on her last year of a 5 years study in computer science too.

So we have the same age, just that I have more practical experiences than her and she have more theoretical baggage than me.

We are discussing on the design of what she will do over her internship and while I'm talking about some JSON modelling she interrupt me to say something like "so this tuple is meaning..." talking about a JSON object. I didn't get what she was talking about (I never did python and didn't learn much about mathematical theorems during my study) so I asked her: "What is a tuple?".. She looked at me with dead eyes saying "what!? you don't know this ?!!" Like I was the dumbest man on earth. Fortunately our PM which is also a coding guy was sitting next to us and explained to me that by saying "tuple" she meant a "JSON object" and to her that it IS normal if I do not know what a tuple is, first because of my studies, 2nd because my job is to be an Android Dev and that I do not need to know this to do my job. He added that by the way I'm doing well my job and that if I wasn't there to help her on her code she would never succeed her internship.

I'm glad my PM intervene but fuck those who always think they know everything better than others without questioning themselves before !

Yesterday, my girlfriend caught a virus. There were 5+ running programs, in program files, program files x86, system32, basically everywhere. The virus modified chrome, firefox, edge (and even installed a false uc browser assuming we had one), there are many entries at startup programs, also running daemons, once you kill one of them, the others detect it and replicate their killed fellows. Tried to run a linux live usb disk for a cleanup, but the computer hibernates instead of shutdown, making modifications on disk risky.

I spent hours trying to suppress the processes, do a manual cleanup and antivirus search. It looked all cleaned up, then I reinstalled chrome, and now it switches its homepage everytime I open it, it also injects batch arguments to desktop link forum chrome (deleting it manually does not help, it comes back). I'm a linux guy, and in a few hours, I hated windows more than ever.

If anybody knows the authors, I *really* want to meet them. I promise I'm not going to punch them, but kneel down, bow my head in respect, and say "teach me master."

Saw this on the interwebs. Left: customer. Right: employee.

The left one looks like a nice type of customer-person though.

I like to imagine that the employee-guy does not understand why the computer is not working, at which point the customer-person says: "Oh, I can fix that."

Dude: Hey, can you help me with my website? It's for the final year project (IT and Hardware related degree).
Me: Sure, let me see.

Sends a .txt file with two <html> tags, not even closed.

Dude: Can you fix it so it appears with a menu on the top and news on the middle?

This guy got his degree and I'm pretty sure he doesn't even know how to enter to the BIOS of a computer.

He probably doesn't know what a BIOS is.

My girlfriend has no idea what I do at work, but apparently she thinks I'm the best "computer guy" ever when I can plug in a Chromecast to her TV

Cute Girl: So you're like a computer guy, right?

Me in 2012: Yeah, I do some programming and...

Cute Girl: Ok *walks away*

Me in 2012: ........wait, come back! Don't go! I'll fix your printer for you! Or hack your friend's fb. Or make this cool app that you maybe have an idea for..? Don't leeeeeav...ah nvm, she's gone.

A colleague of mine from the administration department suddenly enters my room where my team and me are all busy and, without considering I'm talking with someone else, interrupts us.
he: "I needed to call you but your phone is in do-not-disturb mode"
me: "that's because I'm busy working on something urgent and I don't want to be disturbed"
he: "but I need your help!"
me: "we're working on a urgent thing, but, anyway, what's the problem"
he: "I need help with digital invoicing"
me: "I deal with programming, I don't think I can help..."
he (interrupting): "I created a digital invoice but I need to send a printable version to a customer"
me: "digital invoices should be XML files so you can't simply take the file's content and paste into Word and print..."
he: "in fact that's what I did and the result was horrible"
me: "I was saying just that. I'm sure, anyway, there should be some online tool for producing a well-formatted PDF from a digital invoice"
he doesn't say anything
me: "you can try with a search on Google..."
he: "but I'm not an IT guy, that's not my business"
me: "this has nothing to do with programming, you simply need to find a tool online for doing this"
he (disappointed): "ok, but this is computer stuff, I'll try..."

My work laptop (windows) updated yesterday. Today my monitors keep flickering, hanging, and going black for a few seconds then come back with an error that my display drivers crashed. Since I have basically zero access to anything admin on this machine, I put in a help desk ticket with all the details, the error message, even screen shots which took forever to get because of all the crashes.

They finally respond after about an hour, and tell me that my computer does not support 3 screens so I will have to use 2, and that is what is causing the crash. Well I have been using 3 screens with this computer since I started there in 2014, and it has worked perfectly until the update, so I asked if they could revert the update.

He told me that they could not revert it, and not only that, but I couldn't have been using 3 monitors before because the computer doesn't support it and never has. REALLY??? I just freaking told you I have been doing that for over 3 years so obviously it does support it you deaf, stupid retard. Try using your brain for 2 seconds and work on a solution instead of calling me a liar and dismissing my issue without thought.

After going back and forth for about 5 minutes I gave up and hung up. Finally I fixed it by switching out my docking station with another one I found laying around. Not sure why that worked, but I'm back to working on all 3 monitors. I called the guy back to tell him it's working and sent a picture of my setup, his response: "Well I don't know why that works because your laptop is too old to support that."

Useless...

Person: So what do you do for a living..
Me: (here we go)... I am an information security analyst working in an incident response team for x company. I do log collection and manage a large scale correlation engine.
Person: Oh, so are you super smart or something? (Blinks her eyes and continues with blank stare)
Me: Uh... Smart enough I guess.
Person: Can you hack things like a hacker.
Me: That really isn't my job...
Person: What's your job again?
Me: Computer guy
(She lights up)
Person: Why didn't you just say that? I can understand that.

Yeah... I seem to have painful conversations like this often.

A few years ago I had a startup. I invited 2 friends to join and we split the ownership equally. I did most the work but didn't mind. I had fun. Anyway, the story is not about me. I was in a startup incubator.
There was this stereotypical rich kid in the incubator too.
For the first few months he refused to even share what his idea was.
Finally he was forced to do it. It was an app for storing gift cards. Literally, there were startups for some high tech phd genious types. But the guy with the idea of a gift card app didn't want to share in fear that we would steal his mediocre idea.
His idea was to digitalize physical gift cards without the consent of the companies and make a market for selling, buying and trading (and taking a fee). When asked what if the companies refuse to accept the unofficial digital gift card, he said he had talked to a lawyer that they should accept it or he would sue them. Wow.
There was a guy who had attempted at doing an app like that 2 years before too apparently.
So here comes the part about the work culture.
He convinced 3 or 4 computer science students to develop the app for him. He offered them 1%, no pay. Talking about how rich they would get and how big it would be.
Luckily, one of the developers came to his senses after a few weeks and convinced the others that they were worth much more.
The guy was furious and even threatened to sue them.
He even got like 2-3k USD from some of his parents rich friends to develop the app. He could afford to pay them.
Anyway, the app was never completed.

I have many stories like that from other startups. A lot of students getting ripped off to work for free. I know people who have startups going for years thanks to free labor.

Client called the office in an angry voice complaining about how he could nog see the data in the latest generated excel sheets. Calmy tryimg to figure out what could be the problem. Asked him to send over the file so I could check it. Works perfect on my end. Ask him to open the file again on his computer and tell me what he is seeing. Error message, empty excel file. He starts to me discribing a directory full of files and folders. 15 minutes later I finally figuren out what it is.

The guy had set winzip as default program for excel files. Hoe do these people work behind a PC Evert day. Are they like I hope this magic box with screen and buttond does everything right today.

Screw the German Telekom!
I recently got a new home without internet so naturally, I went to an isp, Telekom. I went there a few weeks ago and was pleasantly surprised by the personal and the general competence. He told me they would send a technician to check my cable. So I thought great and went home. 1 A week passes, nobody shows up. I then went back to the shop and asked(someone different). He basically told me that such a service must be specifically asked for and a contract has to be signed. I then told
him his colleague told me no such thing, and that the technician should have checked up on my connection last week. He excuses him self and I signed the thingy.

Now you would imagine that this would have worked.
but.
NOOOoooo.

A week came and went and I got pissed. So I went back to the shop the guy from the first try was there. I Asked what happened, he types in his Computer. and. and. and. nothing. Apparently, the previous guy forgot, fucking forgot, to enter my request to their bloody System.
Now I asked if I can Just become a customer.
Guy: Sure, what speed is available in your region?
Me: I don't know...
Guy: Let me check
/Type/ /Type/
Guy: I can't see your speed the technician should have checked.
Me: Um, so, can he check?
Guy: Clearly you don't know what you want
Me:???
Guy:*leaves table*

(shorten but you get the Idea)

At this point, I really wanted to change isp so I went to Vodafone.

Lady comes up to me asks me a bunch of stuff and I explain I would want to change my phone, internet, tv, mobile and my friends mobile(I lost a bet once ^~^) to Vodafone.

What happened next I can't really explain, but she talked to her boss and "cheated" (how she calls it) on Vodafone and got me an AMAZING deal it is cheaper than Telekoms has waay more mobile data, faster Internet and I got a new phone :D.

And guess what she could fucking check, fucking check from here Computer my max internet speed.

I can only hope that the lady got a big fat commission for what she has done.

Im so fucking pissed. so in my family (im an only child) im the computer expert. but everytime i touch something EVERYONE THINKS IM GOING TO BREAK IT OR TELL ME I DONT KNOW WHAT IM FUCKING DOING. FUCKING EXCUSE ME?

My mother was bitching about her laptop she uses for college about how something was not working and she was on the phone with a guy that told her "Its a JavaScript error and he told me I have to redownload windows" and im just like "MOm THERE IS NOT A DAMN NEED FOR YOU TO REINSTALL AN OPERATING SYSTEM FOR AN ERROR ON YOUR BROWSERS SIDE OR THE WEBSITES SIDE" (i didnt get to see the error)

I pick up the laptop and unplug it and she yells at me because the IT man told her it wouldnt work if she unplugged it. So i told her im done helping her with all her bullshit she can do what she wants. and comes in says it works now and she doesnt know why. then goes out and buys a new laptop bc she cant process moving her files on the cloud or a flashdrive.

my entire fucking family is like this.

S E N D H E L P .

So, there is this guy whose arguments on "How Apple is bad" are

1) "while copying files in Finder, you don't see a speed graph (like in Windows)"
2) "MacBooks don't have a Touchscreen"
3) "it's slow"
4) "you can't play games (like GTA V)"
5) "having app menus always on the top of the screen instead of in every window makes no sense"

Arguments on "why Linux is bad":

1) "it's ugly"
2) no gaming (same as point 4 above)
3)... And other biased irrelevant shit

Yet his amazing old Windows 10 computer with the most recent Insider build has only a 65% chance of booting on the first attempt. Almost nothing works properly on his hardware yet he always blames something unrelated to him.
Recently I was having trouble with the workplace wifi (for few minutes I wasn't having full speed like he on the other side of the room had), and his reaction "aha, it's your macOS, never working".

Like wtf. I don't hate Windows or I don't love Linux, but I night hate him for being an arrogant cunt and I want to punch his face.

Story of onboarding in the age of Corona!

Monday:
Office is big but almost empty, people are working from home. Guy welcoming me says he is not the one supposed to help me(he is sick I'm told) and the rest of the team is not there. The man I'm talking to is this other guys boss. It's OK I think it will work out.

Turns out this guy helping me is actually the CTO so he does not have that much time on his hands. He shows me were to get my computer and desk and hands me documentation to setup some software.

I spend the time before lunch installing linux, setting up git and some other software. CTO checks up on me once.

Then after lunch nothing...I look for him but he is in some meeting. I find some videos by myself labled "onboarding" on the company website. They are OK. I ask my deskmate if he heard what team I will be in. He doesn't know. I sneak out a little early since I have nothing left to do.

Tuesday:
The CTO is now also sick I see in an email when I arrive at the office. Still don't know what team I am in.

I spend the morning reading coding blogs and websites. After lunch I have a meeting. The only one in my calendar. It's about the product software architecture for all new employees. It's good but still no news about what team. I aimlessly read up on some software architecture untill I go home.

Wednesday:
I arrive at the office first, only the receptionist is there. I listen to podcasts until a few more people show up. I ask another guy if he knows what team I'm supposed to be in. He doesn't but laughs and says it was the same when he started last year.

I send out messages on slack looking for anyone that knows...still no one knows. I guess Im in limbo now. Perhaps i should just start making coffee for people or something...

I just had my worst hackathon so far and need to puke my whole toxic hatred, the rant will be full of hate so be warned. (I just don't want to let it go on my girlfriend, but I need to shout it out loud somewhere)

First of all, it is alright to be a beginner at a hackathon. It is also alright to not know that much about coding and want to learn. But it is not alright to lie about your skill, pretend to be a senior programmer and waste my fucking time.

Don't even fucking dare to say your are "fit" in Android development if you just have done some foobar tutorial on YouTube, don't even bother to read the document and have literally non existent knowledge about computer science.

Why the fucking hell do you need to pretend to be a seasoned programmer if you are just a bloody beginner? I mean you are in a hackathon full of computer nerds so soon or later your impostor ass will be debunked so what is the point?

And the other guy. Why the fucking hell did.'t you say that you just begin Python for 3 months? You are not a fucking developer if you just started coding for 3 fucking months. Learn some fucking coding before starting with machine learning you fucking punk ass bitch script kiddie.

Alright, maybe I was too naive to not check my teammates' background before make a team with them. Fuck me and my fucking stupid ass. My dumb ass monkey brain fell for big mouths, I deserved the headache right now and none less.

Lesson learned!

This fucking idiot at work needs to use the pre release version of the iOS app for a training programme, and I swear I have tried my best to best to help him get the app on his phone.

I use Fabric and I chose because of how easy it is to install on a persons phone, but this is the situation so far. Also he lives a couple cities away so I can't do it myself.

I had to waste time waiting for him to call me, beforehand I sent the email, maybe 5 minutes before his call and told him that he needs to find the email, he says oh okay alright well I'll contact you if I have any problems.

I waited a day and sent a follow-up email on what the subject, from email, and even what the email looks like with screenshots.

No response for 3 weeks, and I bring it up in a meeting that I need to help him again.

So it's a literal fucking repeat of the first step, wait for his call, this time close to the end of my work day and he's 30 minutes late for his own fucking schedule, I thought whatever so I say the exact same thing BUT expecting him to get it out of the way while I'm on the phone...

Waited two days and sent him an email today and since I forgot to mention it, I've told him that this is to REGISTER to get the app. Guess what his reply was.

Sorry I can't get it on my phone!

He can't get what a fucking email to open on his phone and follow instructions a small bipedal animal could figure out?

It's literally follow the fucking icon moving they have gifs showing exactly what to click...

So tomorrow I have to somehow not blow up and get this app on his phone, honestly I understand some people can have issues with technical things but I got a guy at work that has trouble with his computer all the time to follow my same instructions without me needing to say more than I'll send an email all you need to do is follow the instructions, he actually enjoyed going through it.

...I swear this guy is just not even bothering, and I made sure I sent it to the right email, also second call he told me he found the email..

So... I've seen my dad talking a lot about quantum computers, and it's getting quite embarrassing to be there when he talks about them. He doesn't understand shit about them, except that they somehow use quantum mechanics for something.

Last week my uncle from Spain visited us. He's a Cristian pastor, and a cool guy, so they always talk about god and similar themes. We gathered the family to have a dinner with my uncle as he only was going to be one day with us. This is how part of the dinner went by:

" so, <Uncle's name>, have you heard about quantum computers?"

me thinking:*Oh my God. Please not again... *

"The nasa, the US government and all kinds of powerful entities are getting the quantum computer."

He always talks about THE quantum computer as if it was just one big machine.

"They have found that multiple universes exist through it. If this is what they are telling us, imagine how far they've gone. Remember that technology is always 8 years ahead of actual public technology."

Me:*please dad, stop. Who the fuck is made that claim and how many fucking years ago?*

"Did you know that many people remember that Mandela died in prison, while in the oficial version, he died after it? They must be messing with multiple universes, or multiple timelines are getting intertwined."

Me: *please, not the mandela effect again*

Then my dad procceded to talk about multiverses and how THE quantum computer was the future and about some parts of the Bible that supported it. Bizarre, I know.

When we are alone, I always try to tell him how things actually work but he always twists my claims to support his. Last time I told him that the mandela effect was perfectly explainable by psychological phenomena around forgotten memories. But this is going to far... Fuck the guys that made zeitgeist. Fuck Alex Jones. Fuck random youtube conspiracy channels. They make technology look like fucking magic for muggles.

This god damned fucking group Project in University!
How did 2 of these stupid as shit ballsacks of useless crap even manage to get through the first 4 semesters?
And now they can't contribute to anything. Or even worse is when they do contribut and mess up everything. Its like trying to play chess with a god damn bird.
Now this fucking project is robbing me of my sleep and the fucking idiots that organize the whole damn thing don't even care about that it's basically just me and one other guy carrying the fucking project.
Stupid theoretic computer science people that get to use as as slaves for their resarch because we "need to get some experience".
If I get anymore fucking experience of how a big software production works I'm going to fucking murder someone...
Verdammtes Arschgeigengesöcks.
Diese schwanzlutschenden Pferdgefickten Eiterwichsende Hurrensöhne.

I fucking shit Blood because I'm in too much stress. And I mean that literally. My fucking asshole burst open because I fucking have to deal with you dirty disgusting scumbags.

So, as a programmer, I'm basically the go-to tech support guy for my family (and now my gf's family).

So, my gf's mum updated windows and her computer stopped playing around through headphones, asks me for help.

I've got no fucking idea, I don't even use windows.

She's like "if your computer did this what would you do".

"I'd google the problem and randomly try solutions until it started working again. And hope I didnt break anything else."

She didn't seem happy with my debugging technique...

I have nothing wrong with being frequently asked what I am majoring in. However, I am going for COMPUTER SCIENCE not FUCKING IT. Please for the love of fuck stop suggesting I try to get a job with some shitty company as an IT guy. I have no interest in being an IT guy. I want to fucking code shit, not fix your shit and help you do basic shit that you're too fucking incompetent to figure out.

My first try at greentext.
>Be me
>18y.o recently recruted to a university
>1 month before moving to the university
>Be alone with his computer && electronics hobbys
>My town sucks
>Go on first year student integration camp
>Yay im going to meet a lot of people like me!
>Camp near the lake, 100km from home
>Day 1/7
>Moved my stuff to a house
>I dont know anybody
>Meet 3 friends who are going to live with me
>One of them is great, i like him, he likes to code, uses mac and iphone (it suffices for his needs, he understand everybody else who thinks otherwise)
>Two of them are pro party guys / alcohol vaccums
>Fucking pricks with their boombox
>99% of students are just there to drink a FUCKING LOT
>WTF.jpg
>Day 5/7
>I had been drunk only once at the camp and i havent drunk since because of AlcoholAfterEffects®
>Have a sad moment due to me wasting my time and money here.
>Totaly wasted my time... and found nobody like me
>After that day i meet 2 programers
>I have taught them OOP
>Had a great time
>Night game!
>Bizarre student party rituals
>Use my torch i made literary 8h before the camp had started
>Torch is made from pvc pipe, 9v battery, chinesium buck converter, old led module, switch
>Find the guy with the HUGE TORCH
>Wow. Is it the 100W homemade floodlight?
>Conversation about our constructions
>Both sides were looking for a friend with similar hobbies
>Exchange the contacts
>Hopefuly meet thogether and make few projects in the future
>Present time
>Got 3 friends in one day
>But still dosent understand the huge amount of alcohol nearly everyone is drinking

TL; DR: please save me from IT hell

Note 1: this is a rant that comes after a couple other rants I'm going to call "family business saga" from now on because I feel like this is gonna go on for a while

Note 2: the following may look exaggerated but it's because of how pissed off I am at said person

So I have to help this one family member with his computer but he's worned me out so much last summer that I can't stand him (it's all tech based). At all. Both in person and via text calls. I dread and become pissy each time he's nearby, just his presence makes me want to jump in a hole and stay there for eternity.
And he's not the smartest cookie in the jar when it comes to tech, so he comes to me for help (instead of going to my brother. Aaagh why doesn't he go for my brother as well, it's mentally tiring having to "help" him - as he doesn't learn what I'm trying to teach him even after several attempts). I don't really mind being sought for help when it comes to tech, but this guy takes it one step further.
He entered my room with his computer in his hands saying this friend of his has installed W7 on his PC (why didn't he handle all the things he wants to do, it would save me a lot of anger containment) and that I *had* (it's always "YOU HAVE" because I'm a tech-ish person and I'm in uni for CS) to help him do a bunch of things.
So he boots up the thing and there are 32 updates to do, so I'm guessing that he didn't boot it up after the OS update until now. He leaves my room and I sigh out of relief. He comes back with the AC remote complaining it's too hot in my room and that he's gonna put it down a degree or 2. Jesus christ do not tamper with my AC settings, it's fine to me. The updates are still going on. He leaves again.
The computer takes its time to update and so does he. I'm happily playing minecraft when he comes back, the computer off after updating. He looks at it and says "why is it off?". I reply back "it finished updating.", trying to keep my cool. Even the most simple questions are irritation inducing.
He reboots it and lets it run. After it boots and it's ready to go he just stays there for like 2' without doing anything because the hard drive light was going off. I think he thinks the computer is going to explode if he touches it while the light is blinking 😬
He goes to connect the computer to the internet and gets all surprised that the computer doesn't recognize our home's internet (he has been here before with his computer, I guess, so he had connected, so I think he was expecting it to auto connect like that). I tell him that the computer doesn't recognize our home's connection because it has had a fresh OS installation and so it didn't have any connection registered. He types in the password and the connection is established.
He them starts going on about that he wants to get these pics on the business' website and how does he put them in his computer and all that. I do that for him and he's all like "how did you do that?? 😮" like it's a magic trick
And he's always going on at everything as if it's all a big undoable thing. "How do I do this? You know what, do it yourself and show me because I don't wanna fail". Dude. Bro. Everything - EVERYTHING - you are afraid of doing is undoable. EVERYTHING. Good christ.
I swear I've never felt so glad I'm going back for uni next week

Tl;dr younger people on here, especially passionate ones, don't worry about comparing yourself to people who appear to have tremendous laurels, those people are probably completely full of shit.

I say kids because you may be like me and more likely to underestimate your ability or more likely to be modest about your accomplishments, and you're too young to know you're doing that.

Either way. I've been doing a web development boot camp the last six months. It's been quite good with the teachers, and some of the classmates. Hell career services is now run by this woman who really actually seems like she knows what she's doing. It's pretty awesome.

That said, my teammates on the group projects have been a different story. I've primarily stuck with some of them out of loyalty and friendship. But one guy in particular has pissed me off to no end. He said he was a computer scientist going for masters. I thought I could learn from this guy. Now I wonder if he's a pathological liar.

Our first project he made one commit. Ripped straight from the homework. It was a simple api mash-up so alright. Fair enough. Next project was when he really started to piss me off.

He didn't do shit the first week and a half. No PM, no design, no programming. Nothing. Comes in two days before project is due, and me one other guy are fucking scrambling. Because of course no one else is there.

I live significantly further than my teammates mind you. We're busting ass. This fucking guy, this dumbass pick who is convinced he's a genius that will work in higher academia clobbers our whole fucking repo.

Why you ask? To put in an unrelated commit that replicated homework from the week before. Why you ask, again? Because this person is a borderline sociopath trying to appear busy in the commit logs.

We're onto the third project now. I spend days designing something original. Side note: I fucking hate design.

So I design my heart out come up with something awesome. This fuck ass, disappears. And another group member. This was the end of November, I hear from this prick last week about refactoring to ES6. But here's the kicker-fucker, our shit ALREADY WAS IN ES6!

I go in Saturday, slack a message I'll be late. I see this fucking "genius dedicated computer scientist" leaving the fucking university shadily checking to see who was watching. He saw me see him. Coward tried to shrug it off.

Here we are, end of semester. He gets the same certification as I do. The difference? I actually know what I'm taking about, I haven't paid in full to fail.

So never, ever fucking ever take what someone says on their resume or LinkedIn as truth. The better it sounds, the more full of shit they may very well be.

And as for our presentation on Saturday? I plan on handling that but letting him do all of the talking. Let's even see if he knows what the project is about :).

Whatever was running on that computer in Jurassic park with the gif of the fat guy saying "ah ah ah"

Ten Immutable Laws Of Security

Law #1: If a bad guy can persuade you to run his program on your computer, it's not solely your computer anymore.
Law #2: If a bad guy can alter the operating system on your computer, it's not your computer anymore.
Law #3: If a bad guy has unrestricted physical access to your computer, it's not your computer anymore.
Law #4: If you allow a bad guy to run active content in your website, it's not your website any more.
Law #5: Weak passwords trump strong security.
Law #6: A computer is only as secure as the administrator is trustworthy.
Law #7: Encrypted data is only as secure as its decryption key.
Law #8: An out-of-date antimalware scanner is only marginally better than no scanner at all.
Law #9: Absolute anonymity isn't practically achievable, online or offline.
Law #10: Technology is not a panacea.

So my previous alma mater's IT servers are really hacked easily. They run mostly in Microsoft Windows Server and Active Directory and only the gateway runs in Linux. When I checked the stationed IT's computer he was having problems which I think was another intrusion.

I asked the guy if I can get root access on the Gateway server. He was hesitant at first but I told him I worked with a local Linux server before. He jested, sent me to the server room with his supervision. He gave me the credentials and told me "10 minutes".

What I did?

I just installed fail2ban, iptables, and basically blocked those IP ranges used by the attacker. The attack quickly subsided.

Later we found out it was a local attack and the attacker was brute forcing the SSH port. We triaged it to one kid in the lobby who was doing the brute forcing connected in the lobby WiFi. Turns out he was a script kiddie and has no knowledge I was tracking his attacks via fail2ban logs.

Moral of lesson: make sure your IT secures everything in place.

The "guy who is good with computers" can't open a fucking .rar or start skype. Yeah sure dude, you're like the best at "computer stuff". Fucking morons.

This guy I know applied for a senior position at a company I used to do freelance for. He walked in while I was spending the day there to work on our project.

We used to work in the same company and I knew that this guy doesn't know shit. He's the type that would foam in the mouth while bullshitting his way through any sort of discussion.

Anyway, they had him set up on a computer a few tables from me to complete some coding exercises--real simple stuff just to see how he would approach some common problems.

There was no time limit set but the tests shouldn't have taken him more than an hour.

He sat there for SIX HOURS.

At this point, I went out for a smoke, came back 5 minutes later, and found that he wasn't there anymore.

Apparently, he just stood up and said, "Nope, can't do it" and then left the building without a word to anybody else.

We never heard of him again.

Oh, and the tests? Not a single line of code written XD

does every computer guy has this sitting problem....

for the record i do
and i never notice that unless and until i m finished with my work😂😂😂😂😂😂

So at work with the Macs we use, we have some guy come in after hours to service the Macs, and that means the security risk of leaving our passwords on our desks.

Not being a fan of this I tell my boss, he knows it's a risk and despite that he doesn't want this guy coming in while we're here.

Though my main problem is the Mac guy Steve is arrogant and thinks he's a know it all, and with the software I have on the Mac may end up deleting something important, I have git repo and all but I feel off just letting someone touch my computer without me being there.

I tell my boss about the software and stuff he just says contact Steve and tell him about it, to ignore the software and such, I say alright, I write up an email telling him not to touch the software listed and the folders of software documents (again it's all backed up).

No reply, I tell my boss and he says call him, I call him and he hangs up on me on the second ring!

Not sure if he's busy, but I left him a message, asking if he got my email, no reply and it's coming close to the end of the day (going to service Macs in the weekend)

I'm just not going to leave my info because if this guy can't check emails or even get back to someone why should I bother with this bullshit of risking my work.

From all the info I hear about him and my previous rants he's an arrogant prick who loves Macs.

Can't wait to leave this company, pretty sure leaving my password on my desk is a breach of our own security policy, and since 8-9 people are doing it, it's a major risk.

But he's friends with the CEO so apparently it's fuck our own security policy.

Once I've worked in a start-up located in an engineering university "incubator", so we had a lot of engineer-to-be students applying for part-time jobs.
One of these kids was hired by my boss who labeled him "highly technical, very skilled in IT".

One day, while very busy with my own upcoming release, I had to help him finding a bug in his (horrible) code.

Me: Oh, that's easy, you need to load the image from the parent directory
Guy: ...
Me: You know how to do this, right? You're 1 exam away from being a computer engineer
Guy: ...
Me: Ok, ok, don't worry. Just type "../" right before the path

The guy starts typing, literally, "dotdotslash" into the path.

I immediately stopped him, almost crying. Then, I asked him to go for a walk.
"Don't mind about your bug, I'll take care"

#prank

New guy on the team, learning WPF.
He forgot to lock his computer when fetching coffee. I added a transform group in the main window and checked it in to Git. Locked the computer.

He comes back, furious at his computer for turning the application upside down.

Next two hours he was rebooting, flipping the screen, stressing, googling until I finally had to confess.

He uttered a strange sound of short burst of laughter concealed in a relief of not going insane.

It was a good day.
His pull request was rejected.

A guy is standing on the corner of the street smoking one cigarette after another.

 A lady walking by notices him and says

"Hey, don't you know that those things can kill you? I mean, didn't you see the giant warning on the box?!"
"That's OK" says the guy, puffing casually "I'm a computer programmer"
"So? What's that got to do with anything?"
"We don't care about warnings. We only care about errors."

Yes I am a computer science major; No I'm not volunteering to be your IT guy.

"Son ur always sitting at home at computer, ur a computer guy so how come u didnt buy one of those crypto coins and become rich with all that computer knowledge you have. I hear in news all the time how people get rich with crypto. If i had the computer knowledge like you do i would be rich a long time ago. Why dont u buy crypto and be rich from it? U study computers so it should be easy for u to do it"
- dad

my blood before: 🩸🩸🩸

my blood after: 🩸🔥🩸🌋🩸♨️🩸🔥🩸🌋🩸♨️🩸🔥🩸🔥🩸

Laughing about avoiding Windows update and publishing a meme about it on slack

Devops guy runs a remote cmd to my computer to restart and update

Me waiting for 30 mins

Conclusions : " avoid it silently"

As a guy studying computer science but working part time as an It support i get a lot of weird questions which can be easily answered by Google or solved by restarting the PC . The cake however goes to the guy with the PhD in physics who called me to his office and said something was wrong with his laptop battery because he was not getting any charge. He was almost panicking because he couldn't afford to lose his files when the PC ran out of juice.

Upon inspection the power was not plugged in.

I started attending this IoT class in some computer training school. During my first class, I was early because I had the raspberry pi class earlier in the day. A guy came up to me and started chatting to me, he was bragging about how he created some big projects, how he works in his dad's company which develops IoT products (he codes it). Later on in class he talked about how he hacked his school's server or something and changed his marks. Whenever he brags, he has a tendency to use a deeper voice (which is pretty annoying).

Anyways so I thought he is pretty good and maybe I can learn a thing or two from him. A few class later, I started having my doubts, why? Because he doesn't know how to debug code, he copies the lecturer's code and still copies it wrong, and he doesn't know what variables and constants are. He uses IE and doesn't know about GitHub.

Now he asks me or the guy in front for help in class. He makes the class more fun, it's funny listening to him brag. Love it.

I’ve been programming for 20 years now. My friends and family never really understood what I did back in the days. And they still don’t.
All they saw was a kid who was good with computers. Your friendly neighborhood tech guy who would take a look at your computer for free.
I’m sure most of you have been in the same situation.

When people ask me what I do for a living. I’d just say “something with computers”. Because most of the time they will ask me to look at their computers and I’d reply with “oh that’s not what I do”.

When I was younger, I’d try to explain what I actually do for a living. To really tell people the problems we as a programmer solves on a daily basis or the things we create. That’s really hard to explain to “common” people.

So whenever someone asks me what I do for a living? It’s always something with computers ;)

Client: Hi I'm having trouble with my computer.

IT Guy: Have you tried turning it off and on again?

Hope this is not a repost

A guy is standing on the corner of the street smoking one cigarette after another. A lady walking by notices him and says
"Hey, don't you know that those things can kill you? I mean, didn't you see the giant warning on the box?!"
"That's OK" says the guy, puffing casually "I'm a computer programmer"
"So? What's that got to do with anything?"
"We don't care about warnings. We only care about errors."

😂😂😂😂😂

Just watched Snowden

to check if Edward had completed his assignment that is supposed to take 5 hours but Ed does it in 40 min, top CIA director guy types:

cd backup
ls

Into computer terminal.

Pats Ed on back. Well done super hacker.

Apparently by opening a folder and looking at what files are in said folder you can confirm the success of a CIA exam.

!dev

I'm always somewhat pissed off since i don't have a developer job - barely even a tech job. I scan patient charts into pdfs > a server, and that's as complicated as my job description gets. i sit and scan. my computer is (supposed to be) nothing other than a display for managing the scanned charts.

what really killed me though is that one time, we got a new MFC because our old one was, well, obviously broken beyond their patience level. They told me i'd be "Helping".
I got to cut open the box.
whoop dee fucking doo. Tech assist of the century ladies and gents.

That being ine of the worst cases, there's always the times when they talk to their IT guy and never forget to call him an asshole after simply because they don't like it when they don't understand stuff. I've texted him a few times and he's actually very pleasant to talk with and does his job well. just grinds my gears

(and being the IT guy is not available as an alternative. the job is 1. obviously filled, and 2. I installed a word document password bruteforcer, which they in turn told the doctor who told the IT guy and made it sound like i had developed it - of course, this being a pretty professional clinic, he suggested i get fired. so now any hope of me actually doing what I love there is pretty hopelessly out of my reach>

I visit my mom once a year, and usually perform preventative maintenance on her computer. Scrubbing it for viruses, applying updates for drivers, etc. On one such occasion in the early days, she complained that the PC was slow, and would quit. I opened it up, and there was a 1/4 inch layer of dust everywhere, and any and all vents were completely blocked, to the point that fans weren't turning. I blew that crap out, and from that point on became her IT guy.

I remember a few months ago at my school we all had taken the Chromebooks (our county's OS of choice) out and put them on our desks. We were in science, and we needed to take screenshots of websites for some reason. "Everyone go to the chrome store," our teacher said, with a look-how-smart-i-am kind of look on her face, "search for the 'Awesome Screenshot Extension.'" Ugh. This was dumb. I reluctantly searched it up and upon bringing up the description and about to press the "Add to Chrome" button, when I stopped, and made a decision I would later regret. Now, I don't really like this teacher, and she thought she was so fucking smart for finding this shit extension. I raised my hand, and she walked over. "Uhh… I'm pretty sure you can just do Ctrl + shift + []|| to take a screenshot" I said. She was fucking dumbfounded. She yelled out "Class, listen up! [Let's call me 'Ben' for this story] Ben just found an alternative [she was trying to make her extension not seem entirely useless, even though she knew it was] way to take a screenshot. Just press Ctrl + shift plus that box with the two lines next to it. You can use my extension or the one Ben found. Whichever is easier [she damn well knew which was easier]." Three times in the span of the next five minutes she said "just a reminder… you can use Ben's way if you want" to the whole class. Everyone kept looking at me. A few minutes later, she called me up to the computer which was being displayed on the big screen in front of class. She said some people were having trouble, so then pulled all the attention on me to come up to the front of class and demonstrate a goddamn keyboard shortcut. She was running windows 8, and I knew it wouldn't work on her computer. I pressed a few random keys on the keyboard and said "uhh, I think it only works on their computers" she let me sit back down. She couldn't handle the concept that different computers run different operating systems. I sat down and the guy sitting next to me raised his hand. He said "you could use the 'snippet tool'" Yes. Some people can. But she can't. I stopped him from doing anymore damage on their small brains by saying "uhh, it won't work on the Chromebooks, so that won't help." I hate that teacher. At lunch my friend came over to me. He has the same science teacher as me. "You know what she's been saying all day?" I was confused. "What?" I said. He almost started to laugh. "All day she's [the teacher] has been telling everyone that you found this amazing new technology in the Chromebooks. [Most of the students were smart enough to know that I didnt] she was like 'Ben, from my 2nd period found this amazing thing'" End of story. And guess what? I still hate her.

Fuck this, fuck that, fuck the buffer, fuck AES, fuck crypto, fuck node-forge, fuck IV and browsers, once I am done with this fucking cryptographic wrapper on both client and server, the first person to say decrypt and Javascript in the same sentence in front of me will get their own dick in their ass. The guy that said mixing computer and crypto was a bad idea was fucking right

This isn't as much of a rant as the story of my worst abuse of computer knowledge.

This happened a couple years ago. When I was in high school, I had this friend/enemy relationship with this guy, lets call him Thomas. He loved to pull pranks on people. He had a similar firend/enemy relationship with my brother, and after one prank, my brother decided to get revenge. And by revenge, he meant asking me to make a virus.

I knew the guy, and I agreed. We thought about what type of virus we could make that would be funny, and not too damaging. We decided on a program that would play annoying sound effects every few minutes. Short enough to be noticable, long enough that Thomas would give up and not try to investigate.

I won't bore you with the details of the program. It was a very simple C app, very small, named "Counter-Strike-Global-Offence-Free-Download-Totally-Legit.exe". It was clearly visible in task manager, but since it was so small and barely used CPU or RAM it would stay near the bottom. I tried loading a custom sound effect, but it turned out the windows default "invalid sound effect" was much more annoying than any custom sound I could find.

The "Infecting" portion consisted of moving the .exe to the start menu startup folder while Thomas left his laptop unattended. My brother handled this part.

I unfortunaly left the country soon after and never actually saw the effect the program had on Thomas. I assumed my brothers laughing would give it away rather fast and he could simply remove it from his startup folder. However, my brother told me he still complained about it for months, before finally bringing the laptop to a repair center that found the totally legit CS:GO exe. My brother ended up telling him soon after, but this was still the best prank I ever pulled.

A friend of mine who works in tech support at a college gets this call. The guy on the other end (a college professor) asks how to open an application on his computer.

Tech Support: "There should be an icon on your desktop."

He then hears this strange rustling noise over the phone.....
Tech Support: "What are you doing?"

Professor: "You said to look on my desktop."

Tech Support: "Ummm, hang on. I'll be there in a few minutes."

So there is this really cute guy in my class and he recently started to learn coding. Since I am 'the computer guy' in school, of course he got to me and asked for help. I introduced him to C# and for the next two weeks helped him learn and understand the language. It was so neat and he was so cute, doing all the mistakes I did too (1+1=11, that kind of stuff)

Now he informed me today that he switched to Java. Of all the languages, Java!! Guess I'll need to search for a new Padawan, fml

This community is amazing. I started developing an app from scratch, with no knowledge of how to do it but this community has helped me so much. I have just started it, been a few days but devRant is what got me into coding in the first place. I was more of a hands-on electronics/mechanical engineering kinda guy but this has been amazing and I might just switch to computer science branch for my engineering. Thanks devRant and the community :)

So, the uni hires a new CS lecturer. He is teaching 230, the second CS class in the CS major. Two weeks into the semester, he walks in and proceeds to do his usual fumbling around on the computer (with the projector on).

Then, he goes to his Google Drive, which is empty mostly, and tells us that he accidentally wrote a program that erased his entire hard drive and his internet storage drives (Google, box, etc.)...

I mean, way to build credibility, guy... Then he tells us that he has a backup of everything 500 miles away, where he moved from. He also says that he only knows C (we only had formally learned Java so far), but hasn't actually coded (correction: typed!) in 20+ years, because he had someone do that for him and he has been learning Java over the past two weeks.

The rest of the semester followed as expected: he never had any lecture material and would ramble for an hour. Every class, he would pull up a new .java file and type code that rarely ran and he had no debugging skills. We would spend 15 minutes trying to help him with syntax issues—namely (), ;— to get his program running and then there would be a logic issue, in data structures.

He knew nothing of our sequence and what we knew up until this point and would lecture about how we will be terrible programmers because we did not do something the way he wanted—though he failed to give us expectations or spend the five minutes to teach us basic things (run-time complexity, binary, pseudocode etc). His assignments were not related to the material and if they were, they were a couple of weeks off. Also, he never knew which class we were and would ask if we were 230 or 330 at the end of a lecture...

I learned relatively nothing from him (though I ended up with a B+) but thankful to be taking advanced data structures from someone who knows their stuff. He was awful. It was strange. Also, why did the uni not tell him what he needed to be teaching?

End rant.

Was at school the other day and met a dude who was told by an acquaintance that I'm a "computer guy".

Dude comes up to me and jokes that the acquaintance was spreading rumors about me being a programmer. I was a bit confused and tell him that I do in fact program, and then he asks me what I've done, to which I explain what languages I've dealt with.

Next thing he asks me: "Have you made an OS?"

BREH

He tells me about how he went through Linux From Scratch. I have no idea how in-depth that book goes, if someone who has read it could enlighten me that'd be nice.

Acquaintance mentions that I won an app contest. (At this point, I'm internally telling acquaintance to shut his face.) I explain what I made(an Android app that helps sort Lego pieces) and he promptly tells me that I just used an API and barely wrote any code.

After (hopefully calmly) going back and forth with him, I just say "So I write bad code. What's it matter to you?" He stopped talking right there.

He apologized later. Yeah right, I'm sure you're sorry.

We work in an office where we must lock our computer screens because our screens may have confidential information on them, plus you could do things as the person without taking any blame (ie sending an email).
Anyways anytime someone forgets to lock their screen we always prank them pretty hard. The greatest thing we ever did was in our latest release we had our managers buy us drinks at the pub. Well our managers left to go to the pub and one of them forgot to lock their computers. So we downloaded an image of the blue screen of death and made it full screen, unplugged his mouse and keyboard for added effect, and locked his computer. He came in the next Monday and couldn't log in because his keyboard wouldn't work. He actually called IT to bring him a new keyboard and mouse... then he unlocked his computer and freaked out with the IT guy because there was the blue screen of death. Needless to say he got a brand new computer as well as a new mouse and keyboard.

I'd call it a win win?

There was a computer programming teacher in my 1st semester who taught C. He used to have this conventional way of teaching C like other Engineering subjects which was going to more theories before writing actual codes.
These are the conversations with him.
(First day, a guy asks him some questions.)
Guy: Sir, why do we need to learn C? There are other languages used extensively for other tasks like python,etc. Why bother with this boring C?
Teacher: C is used to learn other languages. After learning C, you can easily learn other languages.
Guy: Sir, where is C's application? Where is it used?
Teacher: It is used in academics to lay foundation for students to learn other languages which are used to build softwares.
(Fucking Hilarious)

(A month after he was asking some questions to students.)
Teacher: What is an array? What is an array-name?
Student 1: Array, is this collection of data that can be stored in a single type.
Teacher: Then what is an array-name?
Student 1: I don't know.
Teacher: (angrily) Array-name is a definition itself.
(We were supposed to answer that. It was a standard definition.)

Never worked before so I'll talk about one of the former staff at my school.

This guy worked as IT and did some teaching in the high school. Early last year, he suddenly disappears for no reason.

Now, I'm going to go in order of what we (the students) found out, not, chronological order.

Firstly, turns out that in class he would make comments about female students. Nothing explicit, just kinda strange. I forget the examples I heard but think like the overly friendly old guy. Those types of comments from a 40-something IT guy. (Some female students knew about this for a long while but I only heard about it after the investigation)

Next, rumor got out that they found some stuff on his computer. I don't know how, but it turned out to be accurate, and we were accurate at the follow-up assumption that it was porn.

After that, the school made an announcement that we had been arrested. Up until then, we just assumed he had been sacked. He was weird sure, but we didn't think criminal.

Some other students looked into the police records, and it turns out this guy had been arrested for possession and distribution of child pornography.

Pretty sick right? Its worth pointing out now that our school has Pre-K through 12th grade students.

I gained a new level of respect for my female classmates after that. I didn't even know that was going on, really wish I could have helped out.

In my unenlightened youth, when programming was a module in my college diploma that didn't seem to be taking me where I wanted to go, I had a couple of guys guy in my class that could arguably be the weird ones.

Jonny, although he asserted that he was to be called "Jonhty", whatever, we never did. He was pretty much top of the high school food chain and for some reason elected to study computer science, none of us was prepared to put up with his shit. He was always boasting about some fanciful claim or another, famously entering the classroom and exclaiming he'd "fucked an absolute milf" and seemed somewhat evasive about the answer, turns out he was 17 and she was 35, the age difference was greater than his own age. We burst out laughing. He would also turn up late and state the college bus was late (it wasn't I got the free bus every day, he'd just not got out his wanking chariot early enough).

One valentine's day we got him a card from a mysterious stranger which was accompanied by a package containing a cucumber and Vaseline, the inside of the card read "to assist you in the following request: please go fuck yourself".

Before you think we were being unduly harsh, we had a centre table where we'd be taught from with computers around the outer rim of the room. He'd come up behind people while at the centre desk, quietly press ctrl+P and slowly walk back to the printer. I saw him do it to my machine and I got to the printer first, to which he shouted "that's MY work" which was amusing because unbeknownst to him I had put headers on all my documents so he really didn't have an answer for why my name was at the top of every page.

To top it all off he had dead eyes, there didn't appear to be much going on but the rent, there was no spark of intelligent life, and while I thought it, I never said it out loud, but other students did and I had to agree. He was just copying his way to graduation. However, he ultimately didn't graduate when people refused to allow him to copy.

Another guy, Richard I believe his name was, which is just as well because he was a right dick. In the UK our word for white trash is "chav" (that's a very naïve explanation for it but that's another rant best left for "socialsciencerant") and he was an complete idiot who was gifted with more brain cells than he ever needed to use. He actually studied hard and got reasonable grades, probably on par with me, but he boasted about smoking weed all the time, he was forever playing dark side of the moon via his loud mp3 player. I kinda left him alone generally until he was high in class one time and while we we're watching a documentary he'd shake my chair and make a weird noise in my ear every few minutes, the first couple of times startled me, the remaining multi-dozen times pissed me off.

It all came to a head with this guy when I'd been hearing about his uninteresting bs on drugs, music and how best to spend my time ("you need to lighten up man, come round my house, take a joint and relax man", that sorta thing), well this guy walked like he was mid way through shitting himself so I personally think that perhaps he is too chilled. Anyway he's arguing with me and after the exchange of him making his point, me disagreeing and expecting the end of it, he made the mistake of saying two words to me:

"Listen, mate..."

And I had him in check mate.

"Listen, I ain't your fucking mate , I don't even like you, you're a disruptive annoying twat that thinks he knows it all, we're all 17, none of us know anything, so shut the fuck up, sit the fuck down and stop boring me with your drugs, I ain't interested, and for the record I think pink Floyd ruined prog rock!"

He looked at me with sad puppy dog eyes, and started with the "but, why?", However I was interrupted and had to leave the class for unrelated reasons, I returned to be told he'd put safety pins up right on my chair so I'd sit on them, and mutual friends who TD me I'd been cruel and that he doesn't was hurt, so I should apologize, he overheard and said he was sorry for bring a bit of a dick.

However, you just know when you don't get on with someone? Yeah, that. So I said I wasn't sorry for what I said, for while it was harsh, I am not his mate, nor did I want to be his mate and that was all I had to say on the subject, and that if he wants to take offensive to a nobody not liking him then he's in for a very rough time in life.

Unsurprisingly I don't keep in touch with anyone from college!

Ok might as well share my misadventure on a phone screen:

It started pretty normal, the guy talks about his background, the position, and asked me about my background.

Move on to the language trivia; I’m not good at memorizing language features, but I guess it’s what people want, so I’ll be working on that down the road… Anyways it didn’t go well, and the guy somehow made me feel like an idiot even on the questions I got right.

It’s really awkward at this point… but let me tell you I was not prepared for what I can only describe as the fucking coding portion of the phone screen…

No computer. No pencil or paper. No whiteboard. Over the phone I’m saying: “class Dog with a capital ‘D’ colon newline tab def space bark open parentheses close parentheses….”

what the actual fuck

New guy started today. Nobody knew this. CPO forgot. There was no computer available. He was sent home after an hour of waiting in reception.

I'm pretty sure that the technical tests for FAANG are just to prove that you'll bust your ass doing trivial bullshit for them / and that you're a sucker -- instead of actual meaningful skill checks. Is this guy a total sucker who will drink our Koolaid when it's time? Are they wearing Nike? Yes. This is going to be a good investment.

I was down and out once and got a job a Micheal's Art and Crafts store. The application was clearly a mindfuck test. It asked, "If your boss was stealing - would you report them?" BTW - the answer is "No." You only report people below you. I answered in the way I knew the computer wanted me to - and I got the job. Same shit.

Are you subordinate? You're hired.

Hey Citrix:

FUCK YOU.

Learn to make an accessible log in page you fucks.

Maybe instead of vague fucking "you're user name and password is wrong" say things like "your account is locked because we somehow decided we don't like your password anymore. . . . without telling you"

Fucking 2 hours of my day wasted trying to log into my company's VM because first it wouldn't take my password (that I've had for over a month and doesn't expire for another month) over and over again. I changed it, logged in. Got up to do something that'd take less than 5 minutes. And OF COURSE the people who set up the VM made them log you out if you're gone for more than 3 minutes (fuck that guy too). Come back to a log in screen and it won't accept my new password.

Change it again. Except this time it won't accept my new password because it's "like my old password." It is in that it uses the alphabet and numbers, but it's also different in that those alphanumeric characters are LITERALLY DIFFERENT IN EVERY PLACE. I finally get it to accept a new password.

I'm also loving the whole "answer these security questions that literally anyone who does minimal research on you can answer" before I get to change my password. Yeah. Because finding my mother's maiden name or the city I was born in is so fucking hard. Literally impossible to find out what my Dad's dad's name is. Shit like that isn't publically available. Nope. Why the fuck are we still using "security" questions?

I log into Citrix again. And it takes me to . . . the log in for Citrix.

There is no word in elvish, entish or the tongues of men for this stupidity.

Fuck Citrix. Fuck the people behind the password manager (Aviator or something like that), and fuck whatever administrator setting turns my computer off due to inactivity in such a stupid short amount of time. 10 minutes, 15 minutes, that'd be fine. But it's more like 3 or 5, like wtf.

FIRST RANT: When someone tries to scam a CS major...

Ok, so today I received a msg from a super hot guy on Grindr (that's right, I went there >_<). We chatted for a bit, traded some photos, his full frontal matched his profile pic so I was impressed. Then suddendly he asked me if I could "check out his fanpage" through a link that he will send to me..

"Mmmmmmmm that sounds like a scam bruh."

The mofo didn't give up and even had the nerve to try and assure me that "scammers will ask for money upfront and they're usually from another country (WTF??)"

"DUDE, I'm a Computer Science student! Not particularly fond of links!"

And then he blocked me. HAHAHA #DODGEDIT

"So you're like... A computer guy right? So you like work at the Apple Store or something?"

Just nod. It's easier that way.

General approach : I'm wasting my time by just sitting in front of computer all day. Since I'm freelancer, almost all of my work can be done at one place. They think, I should get a REAL job.

When they need help with tech : I'm the guy who knows everything about tech and can fix their mobile, printer, toaster, washing machine and nuclear warfare.

When it comes to admiring what I do, I'm just a useless piece of shit but, when they need technical assistance I'm their lord and savior!!

Guy sees me on my laptop and says "is that Linux?". I say yes then he says he is into computer "stuff and can hack anything". Not having a clue what that means I replied with a "awesome".

I don't have really any friends that are into "computers", so I decided to play ball.

I asked, "Are you into coding?.. he says, "Yes". Then I ask, " What languages?" He says, " Just what ever, anything really, it depends on what I am doing."

At this point I understand what is going on but it is so awkward. He continues.. "Recently I used.. what's it called abd or adb, you know I like rooted my phone"...

And let's talk about something else....

Why do people feel the need to lie or whatever you might call what happened. It might be different I think if he wasn't about 40.

I feel like this is a pretty common story

Unsavy guy calls: hey, my computer don't start.
*some testing over phone
Me: Okey it's probably the psu, give me the model so that I can get you a new one.
Him: okey, let me get a flashlight.
Me: why?
Him: It's dark here. The power is out.
Me: ...

This is just one I had with my cousin who came for a visit.

Cousin: Yo bro, I want you to hack my girlfriend's Facebook?

Me: Lol, and why is that?

Cousin: I think she's cheating on me with this guy. I've seen her replying to him on fb messenger.

Me: Lol, ask her about it then if that's what you think.

Cousin: She won't talk bro. That's why I want you to hack her Facebook or even her phone so I can see who she's talking to.

Me: I can't bro.

Cousin: So you're not going to help me?

Me: Not that bro. I can't hack Facebook. I don't know how to do that stuff.

Cousin: But you have Bachelor's in CS and I've seen you writing those stuff on your computer....uhm, the code thing.

Me: Yeah, but those were school and personal programming projects. Not hacking stuff.. they're not the same.

Cousin: Oh man, what about her phone?

Me: Nope, can't do that either.

Cousin: But I've seen you hacking your Android phone... (*He saw me root my phone*)

Me: *face palm*

Probably a little different shitty teacher!

Had a course in basic computer architecture and the teacher was way to over qualified to have that course. This is a guy who presents his research to Nvidia and Intel but is forced to teach a intro level course...

The result? He was completely unmotivated and unprepared for the lectures and was of no help on the assignments. Fortunately we had a awesome teaching assistant who saved the entire course for me and my friends. Seriously, kudos to that guy!

!rant
Neighbouring nursing student asked me to recommend her a good laptop. I take a look at her existing one and it's an ultra book in pretty much decent condition. I ask her what her issue with this one is and turns out there's not enough space on the hard disk (30 GB SSD). I advice her to consider upgrading instead of buying a new laptop and she agrees. She also asks me if I can fix the track par of the laptop as it's not working. I take a look at the system tray and then work my computer science magic (press the fn+F9 to activate the trackpad) and boom! It's a miracle and she's squealing with delight. I even ran a disk cleanup and wiped 3Gigs of space so that she could continue downloading the episode from Netflix.
I hear a lot of you people complain about being asked to do outrageous tech shit because you're a computer person but man, I sure love being the "tech guy". :D

Helping a friend who's a brilliant at mechanics and has his own patents, and got this question when downloading on his 10Mbit line:
"This was supposed to be a fast computer, so why is it taking so long to download?"

To explain the reason was surprisingly hard, considering that this is a guy who's been invited to give a lecture about innovation at a top tech university.

So, a few months back my mother had some issues with her windows 10 box not being able to do proper backups to a backup partition. At the same time I was pulling insane hours at work and writing on a eBook on commission for a guy, besides having small kids with on and off flu and shit.

Needless to say, I didn't have time to look at the backup issues. Well, even though my mom is one of those dogs you can't teach new tricks, she has always been resourceful enough to get help with things.

This time she picked up the phone and called Microsoft Support, got some guys to remote in and take a look. They messed around a bit and said they were done.

She phoned me up later that day to tell me how proud she was of herself for doing that. Of course, she skipped telling me the important bit about she actually calling them, rather describing it as "Microsoft was just on my computer and fixed it".

You can imagine my immediate reaction, cold sweat running down my back, adrenalin rushing in as I dug through the details of what had happened.

A few days later she calls me up again and tells me the problem is back, and we agree that even though the MS dudes was not able to fix it at first, she should try again, as she had a ticket to reference.

The next attempt by MS actually fried her partitions, and apparently they had f-ed up trying to delete and recreate the backup partition.

That's not the worst of it though. Since they fried her disk, her computer crashed and naturally the remoting won't work. In our country, they have no people on the ground to do hands on help, and they didn't have a partner near by. Her not having a win 10 usb stick, nor a spare computer to make one, she was in a surreal predicament.

She was also quite pissed, and pissed off mums are not to be messed with. She managed to get Microsoft to agree to cover the costs of a non-partner to visit her to fix the problems, and using her as the middle man, they made an agreement with the 3rd-party tech support company.

After the box was fixed though, some more issues arose... regarding billing. The 3rd-party tech support was unable to get in contact with the person at MS that was going to sign off on the bill, and again using my mom as the middle man, it was agreed that my mom, as the customer, was to be reimbursed for the bill to the 3rd-party.

Guess what... 3 months went by, with weekly follow-ups and nagging from my mom, and still no money...

At this time, I had time to help her, and after some digging and borderline stalking, we managed to get the phone numbers of some of the higher ups in my country, and she started calling them directly.

After talking to a couple who refused to help, she reached the Vice President of the country branch, and was finally able to talk to someone who gave a shit.

Still took over a month more to actually get the money, but now she had someone who actually gave her statuses, receipts and ETAs.

FUCK!

My non dev friend called me in middle of night for getting shortcut virus removed! I would have blasted 🔫 him but I felt pity on the guy as I know that he is poor with tech stuff

Any he had only windows, so I Google up solution and replied back to him.

He asked where to put it. I told him in cmd. He is like what so I told him to press win+r then in that type d and "black" 🏴 window will appear. Type in that.

guess what he typed exactly as mentioned in the reply and didn't replace the drive name properly .😑

I told him to put proper drive and saw that he missed spaces so l told him that he missed space 😤 and he put only one space and it still had problem so I had to explain it in weirdest was possible( shown in fig 1.1 had been writing report and figure gave yo be mentioned with number 😅)

Finally. It was all done! Well some pf my cs ( !counter strike but computer science friend) are worse then this can't use teminal or even connect to WiFi (wpa-enterprise @ college with mschap v2 and peap auth which is crackable using twin tower and brute force) properly, do I guess it not BA's that this guy cry to get rid of shortcut virus (virus > wifi setup) 😬

Finally I feel relived after ranting 😪

<senior dev turns around..making some small talk about the weather and such.. then>
Senior Dev: “Yea, I’m wanting to take my hard drive out of my desktop and put it in my laptop”
<I know his personal laptop is an older 13.3” dell>
Me: “You have a 2.5” laptop drive in your desktop computer?”
<gives me a very puzzled look>
Senior Dev: “Um…no.”
<second or two of awkward silence>
Me: “Well, a desktop hard drive isn’t going to fit in your laptop.”
<gives me another very puzzled look with a touch of annoyance>
Senior Dev: “It might work.”
<senior dev turns back around>
Why the –bleep- do people talk to me!? Now the rest of the day all I want to do is take his computer away from him…poor thing…that little guy has no idea what his owner wants to do to him .

Yesterday while we finished having breakfast, the receptionist from the office approached us and said: "Guys, the company mail does not work! We lost the domain! They forgot to pay the bill!" and we all see each other's faces confused.

I don't like to link the work email on my personal phone, so I open the company's page on the phone and for some reason a DNS error appears. oh boy!

We all go crazy ass to the computers to see the mail and we can use it normally, my computer opens the company page normal, we send emails between us and everything works well…

I ask the receptionist if the test emails arrive and she says "No, I cannot even open the mail". (hmmm) I go to see what happens and she says "Look!" I see a label on the login page: "your password was changed 16 hours ago" (facepalm) I ask her if she have changed the password and she say NO. So I ask the support guy if he can reset her password and that's it. Magic, magic!

In the end we remember that not all of us have the same "computer knowledge" and discovered that the company's website only works if you enter “www”, very good custom software company! Very good!

Sometimes I feel people underestimate us.

During all my life, people has asked me if I can fix their *any device* because it goes slowly/something doesn't work.

But, of course, for free. Because they think the only thing we do is pushing 3 buttons and everything is done. They think everything solves itself easily.

Then is the fact that we should be able to fix everything always. Even if the hardware is broken. Even if there isn't any way to solve the problem.

I think we deserve a little bit more from society. I don't expect people to understand what we do but at least something better than the guy who formats your computer when it starts to go slow.

(Maybe I'm the only one who feels that way or it's just where I live, idk)

Circa spring of last year, Computer Science 1

The guy sitting next to me asked me a clarifying question about what our professor was mumbling and scribbling illegibly on the board.
I start to respond, only for the professor to YELL at me in front of the class for helping him, saying that programming was a personal affair and that I should be minding myself.
He even yelled at me for helping someone that is "too stupid help themselves" and that I shouldn't worry if the person next to me doesn't get it.
I felt bad, the kid next to me felt bad, and I avoided a semester of computer science just to not have him again.

My worst experience ... and best, was when the company I worked for sent me to teach OOAD to the faculty of the Mathematics and Computer Science department of a University in Pennsylvania. There I was, a guy with no degree teaching a group of PhD's the fundamentals of OOAD. Imposter Syndrome? You bet. Nervous? Yes. My mouth felt like it was filled with cotton, and when I picked up a cup of water on the first day, I had to put it back down because my hands were shaking so badly. I could handle a room full of developers, but for me, this was a whole other league. As it turned out, the professors had a blast, and gave me great reviews, but that first day of a five day class was a doozy. After that, I knew I could handle anything.

Most Incompetent co-worker. It was me during my first job. Not humble bragging or some shit. I was straight out fucking incompetent during my first job.
Hear me out.
I graduated my diploma course specialising in networks(from computer to cellular/telecom networks) but I did a few programming courses and my internship was at a lab - did iOT stuffs with raspi and arduinos. I am a A+ student so was giving priority to choose a better internship place. Fun time. So I fell in love with programming. As soon as i graduated I applied for a Java job. Got a job at a domain name reseller/hosting company using java EE. Remember my programming = very basic/OOP concepts/basic SQL knowledge. That's it.
I am that little childish fucker who thought he knew everything and I kept interrupting my coworkers with stupid questions.
Same time, I was under the darkest moments of my life with some family drama/tension headaches.
2 months into the job, one coworker really got pissed off with my interruptions and bluntly told me "*my name,you are stupid aren't you"
The manager was a really nice guy. I will forever thanks him for his advices. He knew I was struggling with family shits and gave me another 3 months probation period to redeem myself. But I gave up. That was back in 2015.
It was a great place I fucked it up. But I learnt precious life lessons. I was young,stupid and didn't know how to handle stress.
I thanks myself for not quitting programming after that experience.

Computer engineering : Insanity!!!

Today a friend of mine was assigned to make a Client-Server Encryption using Sockets. The guy did a great job applying BlowFish algorithm, but the teacher was disappointed because she couldnt map letters to the encrypted text and she declared the program to be wrong!!!

A plain computer illiterate guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty.

Tech: What's the problem?

User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.

Tech: (keeps quiet for the moment)

Tech: You'll need a new power supply.

User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.

Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.

User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.

Tech support: 10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is right. The tech is frustrated and fed up.

Tech support: (hush hush)

Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.

User: I knew it!

Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE <nosmoke> at the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let me know how it goes.

10 minutes later.

User: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.

Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?

User: MS-DOS 6.22.

Tech: That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how it goes.

1 hour later.

User: I need a new power supply.

Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?

Tech: (hush hush)

User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of the power supply.

Tech: Then what did he say?

User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE.

A few days ago I had a party with a big part of my good ol' highschool classmates who I almost never spoke to. Let the stories begin:

- Guy who made fun me in when I said I wanted to do computer science: "Man, I wish I had done the same study. It looks fun."

- Guy who has a startup for like 1 year: "Sooo what are you good at, ios/android development? webdevelopment? contact me if you want to work with us.(for free)"

- One of the friendly guys: "Do you have any sites where I can learn some basic programming or something?"

What I thought: WTF HAPPEND IN THOSE 3 YEARS, WHY THE SUDDEN INTEREST IN PROGRAMMING AND STUFF?! ESPECIALLY YOU FIRST GUY!

I absolutely love my computer science teacher but I found this mistake a little funny and I'm sure you all will too!

He is a great guy tho one of the best

Not myself but friend of mine. Early 2000s working at a large university. Top notch office PCs for the time, best internet connection in the country.

He discovers this "Bittorrent" program. Meh, just another file sharing thing... but who cares, it's 2003-ish so everyone downloads shit from the internet.

Installs it on his office PC, because its university so no one cares.

Friday afternoon, he starts download of his favourite music album (some hard to get live version or something), then goes off into the weekend, computer is left running as always.

Download is finished after an hour or so, then his Bittorrent client starts seeding. Lots of people want this album. Bittorrent adapts to bandwith and when your connection is good you get upvoted in the network and everyone is connecting to you.

Monday comes, my friend arrives back at his desk, bit late because he slept in and its university so no one cares.

Suddenly realises many missed calls on his desk phone. Calls back, it's from the IT department.

Friend: "You have called me? What can I do for you?"
IT Guy (screaming): "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING??? YOUR PC IS CAUSING 50% OF THE UNIVERSITY'S INTERNET TRAFFIC.!!!!"
Friend: "Whops."
IT Guy (hysterical): "WHATEVER YOU ARE RUNNING STOP IT NOW!!!!"

Friend: *stops Bittorrend client, enjoys his favourite album*

Lucky him, it's a university, so in the end no one cared.

So, for my C class, the computers in the lab are using VS 2015. To be able to compile C we have to change some settings to allow the program to compile.
I like to use my computer (with Arch Linux) and use my tools (Vim and GCC).

The guy next to me was trying to do the homework, but he was struggling. I decided to give it a shot and I was able to do it, so I showed him my code and he tried it in the computer.
The program crashes every time no matter what. We asked the professor. I show him my code and how it's working. Apparently he was confused because I was using the terminal and not VS. So he proceeded to said that it's because I'm not using VS2015 and GCC is doing the whole work for me.

I'm like ಠ_ಠ and then he keeps saying that he doesn't know what or how GCC works (for real? Someone that teaches C and has a Ph. D on CS doesn't now what GCC is?) but that it is apparently doing everything for me. So my code should be wrong if it crashes on VS2015.... ಠ_ಠ

What do you think? I'm thinking about talking with the head department of CS (I know that he is a Linux guy) and see what happens. Should I do it? Or should I just use VS2015 as the "professor" is asking?
I even tried online compilers to see if it was just working on my computer, but even they use GCC to compile.

A guy came to me with a laptop that wouldn't boot. After some poking around, I opened the machine just to find everything submerged in coffee. No sh*t your computer doesn't work..

When someone knows you are an IT guy and ask you to format his computer 😑

I was reminded of people's posts about preferred text editors in another post, so I thought I'd do the same, but also add some super old technology that I used along the way.

The first text editor I consistently used was pico. I used it to write my first webpage at school.edu/~username. It was a natural choice, because the it was the default text editor in pine, which is what we would all use for our email after opening a serial connection to the college's Digital Unix server. Or if we were the lucky ones who had a computer in a wired dorm, telnet. My dorm was not wired until my sophomore year.

I got my first job in tech in 2001, working as a night shift tier-one support technician. By this time, most people were using web based email, or POP3, but I wanted to keep using pine (or elm, or mutt) because I was totally in love with the command line by this time, and had been playing with Linux for two or three years by now. I arranged a handshake deal with a guy in my home town who had a couple well-connected NetBSD servers, to let me have an account on one for email and web hosting (a relatively new idea at the time).

I recall telnetting into my shared hosting account from the HP-UX workstations we had in the control room. I would look at webpages on HTML conventions and standards, and I kept seeing references to this thing called vi. I looked into it more deeply, and found that it was a text editor, and was the reason I always had to CTRL-Z out of elm. I was already finding pico to be lacking, so I found a modern implementation of vi called vim that was already installed on the aforementioned NetBSD server, and read through vimtutor on it. I was hooked instantly. The modality massively appealed to me, and I found editing files to be an absolute delight, compared to pico, and its nascent open source offspring/successor, nano.

My position on that hasn't changed in the years that have passed since then.

What's your text editor origin story?

I learned recently that you can inject SQL lines in some fields like Passwords or usernames on some websites. (Hacky hacky)

At work there is this intra website that is used to manage the parts of the radios and computers we repair.
Each piece has a specific number, and there is a tree with every pieces for each radio/computer.

When we get to repair one, we gotta change the pieces virtualy on the website. Sadly sometimes, the virtual pieces aren't marked like they followed the whole Radio from the place they come to the place we repair (we need it to replace the piece). People are just not doing their job, so we have to send emails and call for them do it so we can repair it. (This is already fucked up.)

Today, I had to replace a piece, but it was marked like it's not there. I called the guy, and it seems like he is on a vacation for weeks. My superior was super annoyed due to the urge of this task.

Guess who managed to change the _mainlocation_ of the _piece_ in the _radiopieces_ table. (Not actual names, you malicious cunt)

I spent 3 hours looking for the name of the fields and table. I don't know how many times I had to refresh the dam page to see I failed once again.
Hopefully I didn't have to guess all of them. Also the joy when I realised I succeed !!!

No one bats a eyes, and I'm here, feeling infinitely superior, as I might get punished for wanting to do my job.
I know it's basic moves to some of you, but dam it felt good.

Conclusion: Do what you have to, specially when it takes 5 minutes and people need it.

When you are the go-to computer-guy

So I finally got a job where I was an intern as a Data Scientist.
PS : I am a non-computer science background guy, who made it through.

I read this somewhere :
In my college , One guy accidentally deleted the trash icon from his desktop , He panicked, and headed over to his friend's place with his pen-drive. He copied the ""thrash"" icon from his computer into the pen-drive, came back to his room and copied back the ""thrash"" icon onto his laptop's desktop. He got placed in Oracle later. Sick 😂