Today at work, still laugh thinking back to it!

We were on lunch break but the linux support engineers who are on the phones as well have to pick up calls anyways (very small team).

*engineer walks to the table, sits down: Ahhh rest, finally!*
*tringggggggggg*
*engineer pulls a face like 'oh for fucks sake' and walks back to his desk*
*puts headphones on and clicks the answer button just as it disappears*
"really!?! Alright lets finally eat now"
*sits for literally one second*
*tringgggggggggg*
*Engineer seems quite pissed off now. walks to his desk again, puts on headset, clicks the answer button JUST as the call stops again*
"Mother of god, fucking really?"
*stays as his desk for a minute or so, walks back, stays hovering above his chair for a little and finally sits down again*
"Finall......"
*TRINGGGGGGGGGGGG*
"MOTHERFUCKER. THESE GUYS TIME IT OR SOMETHING!?!?"
*walks back to his desk very frustrated this time*
*puts on headphones very quickly and presses the answer button*
*answer works but the call is literally dropped the second he starts it (it was a real client)*

"OH FOR FUCKS FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING SAKE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK"

*walks back to table again and sits down. Takes sandwich and....*

*TRINGGGGGGGGGG MOTHERFUCKER*

"FUCKING COCKSUKING MOTHERFUCKING PIECES OF WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK EVER"

*gives a deadly look to another engineer: "I am NOT going to take it this time! En-fucking-joy."*

We laughed so hard xD

Few months ago, I ate so many MBs (just 300+ GBs) in a month that my ISP blocked my connection and sent a worker to check if i was sharing my internet connection with neighbours etc. { They say UNLIMITED downloads when selling packages }
I was so pissed that after restoration I wrote autorun-on-startup powershell which keeps downloading a 100MB file forever just to eat bandwidth.
This month my downloads crossed a TB.
I feel like I've pissed in ISP's face just to show that if I'm not eating TBs every month, it doesn't mean i can't do it.

Friend texted me some binary.

Decided to impress him and decode it by hand.

Spent 5 minutes decoding "I eat ass".

Speaking of bad dev days, what a week I'll be having.
Lead-dev: I've got some bad news for you.
Me: Client X?
Lead: Client X.
Me: How many pages do I have to change?
Lead: All of them.
Me: On how many of their websites?
Lead: All of them.
Me: All of them?
Lead: All. Of. Them.

So, my broadband internet is not working. Naturally, i called my ISP and complained.
He enlightened me, "Turn on your TV and watch the news. Theres a deadly computer virus on the loose and it is affecting banks and businesses and everything. So we decided to help our customers by turning our services down for a few days."
What the actual fuck?
Its like to Not eat anything due to a bird flu.
Oh! and i have an exam tomorrow.
Thank you muggles.

I'm really down.
I spent 10 years building on an application worth 800K$ revenue per year.

I tried to build a technical team. All left, because of fights with stupid account managers, CEO, business managers.

I was left alone for almost one year alone, working like 60-70 hours per week to keep the things going and adapt to more customers.

And looking for potential partners to outsource things.

Now out of the blue, 3 weeks before my summer holiday, investors introduce me to a "partner" that will rent to us a "developer" for 2 months. from tomorrow.
What the fuck I'm gonna do with him in 2 weeks I don't know.
Actually I understand that this "partner" will take over the whole project.

They used the word "to help me", but actually during the meeting they said to fix things that are not working, and to develop new features because the project is blocked.

Of course there are bugs, I have no developers with me and hundred of features and integrations to maintain. And of course everything is blocked because I have to think hard about priorities.

I feel humiliated in the worst way.
I don't know what will be my future position.
I wasted time contacting potential partners and the answer was always "there are no money".

The business strategist, entered one year ago and said "no more IT investment".

Basically as cofounder and cto (of myself), they will not fire me, if I stay silent. If I accept to be a puppet. And eat, eat eat a lot of shit. I'll grow fat from the shit I'll eat.
I feel I've lost all my hard work, and I'm alone.

Javascript is McDonald's.

1) everyone says they hate it....but they just keep going back.

2) very few people admit they keep gong back...

3) When McDonald's started doing salads, dressing nice, and delivering to tables it seemed a little much, you're a burger place. A few years later I'm writing my app in react JS, serving up eJS templates with my NodeJS server, running off a NOSQL JSon database, and munching down a Greek salad from McD's.

4) you start your burger (project) with high hopes. As you eat though....you start to regret it, but oh well, you're halfway in. By the end, never again, last time. A little while later, npm asks you if you'd like fries with that.

Feel free to disagree or add more!

Me: hey dev, my in-app purchase isn't reflected on other phones with your app
Dev: *cricket noises*
About a week later...
Google Play: an update for this app is available
20 minutes later...
Dev: nope, that isn't an issue.

You updated the app minutes ago after being silent for so long. No mention of it being fixed in the changelog, no mention of it being fixed in the reply.. nothing. But I'll eat my hat if you didn't silently add it in and shoved it under the rug. Dickhead.

At least the issue doesn't exist.. anymore.

Please don't be like that...

We build a backup infrastructure at work to make sure that clients can restore their files and databases themselves when something gets fucked up.

We also have step by step tutorial on how to do this.

Every fucking day we get requests to restore backups.

Mostly used reason is "I'm a technical so I won't understand it".
With all due respect, if you don't understand this and keep asking without even trying, please don't host with us.
Because, if you did as I asked and actually read through the entire article, you would.
In case you're wondering, anytime one of us asks what part they don't understand, that question is simply ignored and they pushing for us restoring it anyways continues.

Sometimes they get angry and want to talk to someone higher up or start complaining that they're paying loads of money already and that it would just take us a second anyways.

If you would read the fucking tutorial/manual instead of trying to eat out your mother's badly shaved pussy and hopefully choke on it while you're at it, you wouldn't come asking us for it.
If you genuinely don't understand this article, feel free to ask but also provide us with cocksucking feedback.

Why do you think you have the right anyways to ask us to do it for free? We maintain the backup infrastructure which definitely isn't cheap but we do it so that you, pubic sniffing weazel, can do this shit on your fucking own.

You're entitled to ask us for help but not for asking us to restore your bullshit for free every freaking time.

Tip: give your parents some condoms. Because that way they hopefully won't reproduce again, we don't need more of you in this universe.

Named my dog sudo, so that i can call or command him with authority. Sudo sit! Sudo eat! Sudo roll over! Isn’t it cool?

This mother fucker right here.

Today I was asked as a favor by one of our vendors to assist one of their other customers with an API integration issue. We work very closely with this vendor and help beta their products etc.

I'm helping as a favor. And this guy could not be more of a dick. Constantly throwing his 20ys of experience at me and saying the API is broken. A good portion of my job is API integration so I've seen 30+ platforms all done differently and this one in question is by far the simplest.

Where does this chodemuffin get off being a dick to me? You know what buddy. Eat a dick. Figure it out yourself.

That's it. I fucking quit.

Over a month of unpaid work, developing your stupid course, only to get a high-quality outline rejected because "it's not what we wanted" again.

First outline, fuckers ask to do something with a Raspberry Pi and Yocto. Fine, but no Yocto as I don't know anything about it and the coworker doesn't even have a Raspberry Pi to flash the images on. Micromanagement guy (god I hate that word) agrees, fine no Yocto then. So no Yocto it is.
2 weeks later... Course outline is finished. Review stage.. rejected. Needs moar Yocto.
Fine... I'll include Yocto. Coworker was put off the course, I'm exclusively on it now. Time to do it well and get my feet wet with Yocto.
2 weeks later... Course outline is finished and looks pretty good. Review stage.. rejected. Needs less Raspberry Pi. Do it without the Raspberry Pi.

An embedded systems course whose core component is that fucking Raspberry Pi. Omit it they said. WHAT?!!
"Oh yeah but there's this other course that's selling like hot pockets, we can just redo that in videos. Make it more like that course."
You.. you can't be for real, can you? If students want to take that course... What makes you think that they wouldn't just pick.. *that damn course* then?

"But hey" micromanager said, "don't loose hope and confidence, I'm here🤪"
🤪. That describes your level of competence pretty well, you stinking piece of apeshit.
Go back to your micromanaging, at least you don't completely fucking suck at that.

2 times rejected because YOU fucking company's board can't describe your desires in a course properly. You know what, I think I'm starting to understand why web devs keep on complaining about indecisive clients now. Because you know company's board, you seem a lot like those clients from hell. Eat shit.

🖕

I spent about 5 hours today coding and I was totally in the zone. I'm talking things were working properly, tests were passing, bugs were being squashed all over the place. It was completely amazing, I felt like a god ruling over my code kingdom.

After about 5 straight hours I realized that I needed food so I got up, stretched my legs and had some dinner. Well I sat back down about an hour ago and I am SO far out of the zone. Everything is breaking, I can't focus and I have no idea why. My kingdom was overrun with a plague of bugs in just the short time I paused to eat.

Moral of the story: when you get in the zone don't stop for anything even if it seems like basic human necessity. After all we aren't human when we're in the zone, we are coding gods.

Coworker: You've merged the wrong PR. It is broken.
Me: is it marked as broken? Is there a mail marking it as broken?
Coworker: yes. I wrote something in the chat.

Me: 🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕

I do NOT read and click every brain fart from the chat. I had the PR (as reviewer and dependent developer) open on my desk and waited for the coworker to fix his merge conflicts.

OK then, try to revert. Git reset hard. Push -f. Policy does not allow master modification. 🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕

Fuck this company. Fuck the policies. Fuck them all with a chainsaw. Forced me to work 2 weeks more. 17.04 should have been my last day at this circus. Let 3 other guys go to vacation while I have fix their management's mistakes. Fuck. You. All. Eat shit and suffocate in piss.

Boss: Oh can you add this feature?
Me: I added that function already and you said to take it out.
Boss: Can't you just copy and paste it from an earlier version?
Me: No its really not that simple, I removed a bunch of tables and went to town cleaning the code so it's super quick and "sexy fast" as you put it.
I go home, work all night and forget to eat.
nextDay++;
Boss: Actually just hold back on that, I'm having second thoughts.

When a project seems to be in an endless for (fucks sake) loop.

Valentines day, other people buy flowers. I buy bread instead.

I've been buying a giant loaf of sour dough bread for years and my wife is just as happy.

Why buy flowers and see it die when you can eat bread. It's just makes more sense logically.

It wasn't enough that the iPhone X's notch was making developers' lives hell; now each Android phone is trying to have its own style of notch. Eat a dick device makers.

So, when there is shit hitting the fan at work I tend to stay during lunch to take care of it and make sure I can take as much of a hit for it before it reaches my employees.

the lead developer walked to my office to let me know that he was about to take lunch and asked if i had plans for lunch. I told him that there were some reports to be done and some meetings that i had to attend and would be staying back, he asked if i was going to get something to eat and I said that I would try to get something as soon as possible. My man knows that I am on a strict regimen due to my workouts, and he normally takes concern over it.

I did not get something to eat, but the hour mark when he came back I was fucking starving and still stuck on a call T___T my man walks into my office as I was on a call (meeting) and he leaves a bag with my favorite burgers in my desk as I was waving hello T___T I thanked him afterwards.

Y'all, if youse a manager, take care of your people, fight for your people, my boys know i go the extra mile for them and we used to chill out having bbqs every other week playing pathfinder(i suck but make a fun party member) before the pandemic. Your coworkers might very well be your extended family. Even if you are the manager them peeps will look out for you if they know you are not a power hungry egomaniac that is more focused on keeping higher ups happy.

These dudes are my friends, my family, they were the board of members tasked with knowing if I was to get hired when i first joined in, and even tho I am now their manager I am still their friend, shit like this is possible and what I would implore everyone to strive for, because even if your organization is a faceless entity full of people that don't care for you, the dude at arms reach from your office is there, people are there, fellow human beings are there.

Fuck, just be nice to everyone else and I severely hope y'alls work life is a chill as this one.

Conversations between 2 java programmers.

Me: How it's possible that your code works?
Frank: I don't know. I try 10 times, and each time, I get an error.
Then I take a break...
Eat a humburger, play ping pong, drink coffee.
Me: That's it?
Frank: Yes
Me: I need a break...

My family: Can you repair the printer ?

Me: No ...

My family: can't send my emails, fix it !

Me: No ...

My family: why this people can share my photos on Facebook ? Stop it now !

Me: Then stop sharing all your god damn life each time you eat, fart or go to the bathroom !!!! For fucks sake !

Also me: why have I started computer science ?

Whoever is responsible for the responsible for the refund process on airbnb can eat a bunch of dicks, watch me spill all of the fluids over his keyboard and then watch me break every single one of his/her fingers.
How the fuck do you dare to keep all of my money in some kind of internal wallet while I clearly need it to get a hotel after your starrated host left me hanging, autoaccepting but then telling me via phone that he using vacation till Friday... Half a goddamned fucking hour after I tried to call him. I want to report the shit out of this asshole, but no I can't because I cancelled my stay.
For the love of God and his creation is it this hard to punish assholes for ruining my new year and making me freeze my hand and ears of?

!dev
!!misery

I'm drunk, so it's time for some faux-emotional, blunt oversharing. and lots of profanity. It won't be pretty.

------

I'm miserable. I can't sleep at night. When I finally manage to, I sleep like crap. In the morning, early, I get woken up by my children screaming or pulling my hair or jumping on either the bed or me, or talking ad furore, or any number of other miserably unpleasant things that completely prevent sleep. So I'm tired every single day, which totally surprisingly makes focusing on work fucking difficult. Doubly so because the work is fucking uninteresting and the code is awful to read and difficult to understand because it's complicated and often poorly written. And extending it takes enormous mental effort I simply do not have to give. Oh! Guess what my job is?

To make matters worse, time to myself basically does not exist, ever. I wake up, I attend standup, I cook and eat breakfast, I work while fighting against endless distractions and interruptions, I cook and eat dinner, I work some more, and finally: I can go to bed and try to sleep. The next morning, I wake up and repeat this misery, ad nauseam.

Et ad nauseam? Nauseam est nunc.
It's not proper latin, but fuck you. it's good enough. and nobody speaks it anyway.

Ego sum miseriae. Is that good enough for you?

I can't find it in myself to care about anything. I've been doing whatever I can to feel a little more normal, but mostly I just feel numb. If I drink, it helps a little because I notice my misery a little less. That's a great solution right there: drink until I don't care anymore, and keep doing the same shit without even trying to make things better. Why? Because I fucking can't. I hate this house, I hate the lack of quiet, I hate this city, I hate the dust and the clutter, I hate this state, I hate this codebase, I don't like my coworkers, I hate that I can't get a fucking thing done without spending 6x longer than it should, I hate that I can't fucking think of a single thing I want to do, I hate that I can't ever enjoy anything, I hate that I'm beginning to hate myself, and I fucking hate everything else, too.

In short:
I'm not happy. I'm fucking miserable.

And no, I'm not posting this here for you to psychoanalyze me or suggest solutions. It's for me to vent. Fuck your opinions and fuck your advice and fuck you.

Screwed Interview Hackerank.

Now remedy to getting out of the depression.

Watch Pokemon
Drink Tea
Eat Noodles.

If you ever feel bad about life. Watch Pokemon episodes. Look at Ash and you'll be optimistic again. Seriously try it.

after weeks of living on my own the inevitable occurred.

I forgot to eat.

it's so distracting to eat. When I'm focused on something I just want to get it done. but by the time I'm done it's way past eating time.

I taught my 9yo sister to SSH from my Arch Linux system to an Ubuntu system, she was amazed to see terminal and Firefox launching remotely. Next I taught her to murder and eat all the memory (I love Linux, as Batman, one should also know the weaknesses). Now she can rm rf / --no-preserve-root and the forkbomb. She's amazed at the power of one liners. Will be teaching her python as she grew fond of my Raspberry Pi zero w with blinkt and phat DAC, making rainbows and playing songs via mpg123.
I made her use play with Makey Makey when it first came out but it isn't as interesting. Drop your suggestions which could be good for her learning phase?

!rant
Colleague handed me an orange to eat it, I returned it with a minor improvement. She didn't get it.

Mondays - the day everyone hates and the day that I hated.

But I made changes to my routine on mondays. Instead of trying to maximize my time in the bed - I go up before 5 AM and drive to the office. Spend a hour in the gym (I really need it), eat breakfast and have a couple of hours for myself in the office.
I manage to get more things done during this time, because people are not bothering me :)

Well, happy monday to you!

Some words of wisdom passed on by our Scrum.

1. I am responsible for setting boundaries. Work time, sleep time, family time, me time. If I don't set them properly, things WILL get unbalanced very quickly. (And I would add, burnout will follow closely).

2. Being productive isn't about doing more and more in less time. It's about doing only the most important things well, and either saying no to the other things, or finding another way to get them done. (Prioritize!)

3. I can't win (let alone run) a marathon by thinking of it as a 26 mile long sprint, or a week as a five day sprint. (Eat a digital elephant a byte at a time).

4. Loved ones are good judges of when things are in and out of balance.

5. Taking time off is essential. Vacations, yes, but also nights and weekends. (Or you WILL burn out and hate what you do).

Comments in () are mine.

12 - 1pm is lunch time. What the hell is it with this team and arranging meetings for this time, does nobody eat?

*Propose new time*

Justification: ... i'm fucking hungry

I found an interesting job post on SO, I decide to apply. It comes with a programming test. A simple unit test that must pass (see current-1 post). I get it passing, go to send off my resume and code and the fucking email they supplied isn't valid or active. Fuck you. Eat dicks. Useless fucking HR.

Once upon a time as a developer for Palm handhelds I wrote an application in C which had to print via a Bluetooth printer.
When connected by wire everything was perfect, switching to BT it kept crashing for weeks without me finding the source of the problem.
Then came the day of my companies summer party. I've been the last guy to sit in front of the PC, investigating my problem, when at about 9 PM my boss came and told me, I should grab something to eat. So I went down, drank three beer and got back to work.
At about 9:45 PM the damn wrong * was replaced by the correct & and everything was fine.

PointerIssuesSolvedByBeer++;

Fucking kill me right now please. How the FUCK am I supposed to get any shit done when I'm learning something and the fucking DOCUMENTATION has been UNAVAILABLE for the past THREE MOTHERFUCKING DAYS.

GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER MICROSOFT.

Fucking idiots.

It wouldn't be so fucking bad if things like this didn't happen all the time.

But when EVERYTHING is FUCKED - ALL THE TIME, it kinda makes a person lose all hope in humanity and technology.

A typical motherfucking day for me:

Wake up
Go to work
Come home
Eat dinner (if I remember)
Attempt to code shit for 1 - 3 hours before I have to sleep
CAN'T FUCKING CODE SHIT BECAUSE:
1. Internet disconnects every 5 fucking minutes
2. DOCUMENTATION SITES ARE FUCKING DOWN
3. Shit Windows is UPDATING
4. a previous windows UPDATE has royally motherFUCKED my PC
5. etc

FUCK

Manager: "We can't have new releases breaking older versions of the mobile app!!!!! We'll lose all our customers!!!!"

fullStackChris: "That's fine, we can do API versioning, but it will take some time to implement, I'll have to be quite careful and write some tests to implement it. Probably 2-3 weeks..."

Manager: "NO WAY, THAT TIME ESTIMATE IS WAY TOO LONG, WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THAT!!!"

fullStackChris: "So how do you wanna support multiple versions of the app without doing any sort of versioning?"

Manager: "...we'll think of something!"

Dev: "..."

And with 99% certainty, I expect to hear this in a week or two:

Manager: "fullStackChris, we'd like to introduce you to the highly technical concept, API versioning. It's a way to version the API so we can support multiple versions of the application our customers use! It's amazing! Please implement this immediately so we can support multiple versions of the application!"

Sigh... each day managers learn a bit more how physical reality works... you can't have your cake and eat it too.

I've been working exclusively from home for over 2 years now. I've been seeing several posts from people talking about adjusting to working from home, so I figured I would compile a list of tips I've learned over the years to help make the adjustment easier for some people.

1) Limit as many distractions as possible. WFH makes it much easier to get distracted. If you have roommates/family members at home, ask them politely to leave you alone while you're working. Make sure the TV is turned off, put your phone on silent, etc.

2) Take regular breaks. I find it easier to accidentally go hours without taking a real break from work. Try working in half hour intervals, and then taking 5-10 minute breaks. Read an article, watch a youtube video, grab some coffee/tea, etc.

3) When you eat lunch, eat it away from your computer. I often find myself eating lunch trying to wrap up fixing a bug, which makes it feel like I never really "took a lunch." Lately I've been trying to step away and do something else completely unrelated to work.

4) Get ready for work like you normally would. It's very easy to wake up, throw on your favorite pair of sweats and sit at the computer with messy hair half awake "ready" to start the day. Instead try doing your normal morning routine before sitting at your computer. It will help your mind and body go into "it's time to work" mode.

5) Keep your work area clean. I find it very difficult to work when my workspace is cluttered. Studies have shown working in a messy place tend to make us less efficient.

6) Keep your work area work related. Try to only have the things you need for work in your workspace. If you're working from your personal computer this can be difficult. I always end up with camera/music equipment left over from the previous night's photo editing/jam sessions. So try to clean off your desk when you're done for the night so it's ready for work in the morning.

7) Prepare for meetings. I have alarms set 10 minutes in advance so I can go from programming mode to meeting mode. During this time I'll go to the bathroom, grab a snack, water, mute all my email notifications, close any non essential programs, get my code ready if I need to present it.

Stuff is hard & stressful right now, but hopefully these tips will make it a bit easier. If anyone else has any good tips please share them.

When I saw this code, it is like using 2 pair of chopsticks to eat...

Developed my own programming language to teach programming at community college.
I needed an easy to learn language with as few brackets as possible cz these caused the most problems for beginners. Called it robocode. =)
Then i built an IDE around it where you have to program a little sheep to eat all gras in an area. The goal was to teach how to learn the syntax, the libary, debugging and to "see" the code run while the program and the little sheep runs, ..halt the programm, inspect variables, check the positions on the grass, ...i think you get the picture.
Later i built another IDE where you can program a Tetris.

robocode now also powers the calculation in our buisness application.

...i think thats my most successful project so far.

here's a screenshot of the RoboSheep IDE (be nice, it's a few years old) and the links to the download sites. I'm sorry, it's all german cz i never localized it.

Week 26 advice - you all probably know this but good to refresh!

Eat healthily

Sleep well

Document clearly

Annotate your code

Use version control properly

Keep yourself in check with project management tools

Your peers are your friends... And competition.

As much as your boss is an idiot respect them and your life will be easier.

With great power comes great responsibility; don't touch that keyboard until you think through what you are doing chances are your first idea is not the best.

Don't write quick fixes and say you will go back to clean it up later on when you have time. That time will never come.

Sick.
Worst sleep of my life last night.
Freezing cold, weak, sore, can’t think, starving but can’t eat or drink, as low energy as a dead Chinese “heavy duty” battery.

Finished some changes to my feature today anyway; everything should be done now. Refactored some specs, and got them all to pass.

Falling asleep on my closet floor. Heavy winter coat, fuzzy pants, space heater. It’s warm in here and there’s a shelf for my lappy. Floor is uncomfortable but idc. I’m so tired and out of it I don’t even notice.

This sucks.

At least I have the rest of the week off.

Some days back before, it was my birthday so I invited my friend who make apps and games with me and I said "lets eat raspberry pi" so he came to my house and said where is the pie. I pointed at the green board at the table. LOL

Sandev. The santa dev.

If you are a nice dev, he makes your code work... If you are a naughty dev, he fills it with bugs.

If you are an immensely naughty dev, he disables all browsers except for an older version of IE, rm -rfs your linux distro, and magically makes android studio eat up more ram than usual.

This spring I was working on a library for an algorithm class at uni with some friends and one of the algorithm was extremely slow, we were using Python to study graphs of roads on a map and a medium example took about 6-7h of commission to finish (I never actually waited for so long, so maybe more).
I got so pissed of for that code that I left the lab and went to eat. Once I got back I rewrote just the god-damned data structure we were using and the time got down to 300ms. Milliseconds!

Lessons learned:
- If you're pissed go take a walk and when you'll come back it will be much easier;
- Don't generalize to much a library, the data structure I write before was optimized for a different kind of usage and complete garbage for that last one;
- Never fucking use frozen sets in Python unless you really need them, they're so fricking slow!

First rule of Apple beta software: do not talk about Apple beta software.

It doesn’t matter, that there’s PUBLIC beta. You cannot talk about it, cause you violate some idiotic NDA. And then, we get software that looks and works like everyone sees now.

Eat shit, Apple. And all of your fanboys.

My Perfect Day : Assumption

Woke up at 6. Went for morning walk or do yoga or some sort of stuff.

Came back at 7. Went for daily routine, like bathing and all.

Went to prepare breakfast at 7:45. Prepared some eggs and bread and coffee.

It is 8:15 now. Reading news papers or watching tv and doing breakfast.

At 9 check mails and prepare some stuff.

At 9: 30 went for office. Reached office 5 minute before 10, safe and sound.

Came back at 7 by evening. Did some rest. Prepare dine till 9. Take a bath. Complete the dine.

At 10:30 ready to sleep.

Actual Scenario :

Woke up at 8:30. No time for yoga or morning walk. No time for preparing breakfast as well. Went straight to bathroom. Came back in 20 minutes. Made a cup of coffee. No time for newspaper or tv.

Feeling lazy and tired already. At 9:10 went for office. Before reaching office stopped at fast food joints. buy some junk food. Eat them. Got traffic jam and reached office late.

Started working but feeling lazy. Boss asked twice about the project status and i am unable to think a single line of code.

However, days passed. Boss scolded me. I promised him to finish the work after reaching home.

Reached home at 7:30. Late for no reason. Went straight to bed. Sleeps a hour. But took 20 minutes to leave bed.

Started working on projects i did not complete in the office.

Time fly and it is already 1 in morning. No dinner. Tired as fuck but hungry as well. So made some eggs and eat. Wrapped the task but it is 3:30 in morning and i jumped to bed for sleep.

Loop.

Me - I am sorry my dog eats my homework

Comp sci professor - your dog eat your coding assignment?

Me - ...

Professor - ...

Me - it took him couple bytes

PSA: if, for whatever shit reason your brain comes up with, you decide to run a webminer in your retarded useless piece of shit website, at least HAVE THE DECENCY TO WARN USERS ABOUT IT. And while you're at it, implement some basic monitoring and safety functions. If you don't, you can set yourself on fire and jump from the top of the tallest building you can find.

Some basic tips:
1) don't run that shit on phones. The fraction of a fraction of a cent you're gonna earn from them is not worth the risk of overheating them and draining their batteries.

2) add low battery/overheating protection: the last thing you want to do is kill some poor sucker's laptop (and potential unsaved work) just because they forgot a tab open. Every time a laptop dies because of you, a knife will slit your throat.

3) WARN YOUR USERS ABOUT IT! You are straining someone else's resources for your own profit: at least have the balls to be open about it. If you try to run a miner silently in the background, I will make you eat whatever is left of your fucking brain, then drown you in the shit that comes out of your ass.

Was joking with my sister about who has more steps. She had done more steps so far, so I said that I would walk 20 times around the McDonald's, where we were going to eat. She replied that she would walk 50 times around it, so I said that I would walk 2 times more around it than she would. She then said, that she would go once more around it. In the end, I explained recursion and infinite loops to her. Her comment was "großer Blödsinn" (German) -> "big bullshit".

Current work project is microservices architecture out of 4 - 8 components.

It is fully Infrastructure as a Code automatized. I just change somewhere code, git pushing

And it automatically invokes Gitlab CI, terraform, ansible, kubernetes helm charts.
Auto checking itself with unit and integration tests in autoredeployed staging env. Then it saves tested results to docker registry and asks for one button verificating click to be rereleased to prod.

I just go for drink or eat food. While all the stuff is happening.

And I am proud that all the infrastructure, backend and frontend I made on my own.

I don't need to remember how to Deploy it. It is all automatized

“An omelette, promised in two minutes, when not ready in two minutes, the customer has two choices – wait or eat it half-cooked. Software customers also have the same choices.”

For some reason my manager freaked out after her non developer husband told her that each of the web pages for our main service would take months to build. Shit man its just static content with some animations here and there. It is a total of 15 pages and this dude estimated that I (as in yours truly) would only be able to do 2 per month. Bato stfu. Stick to banking (hopefully your time estimates don't suck ass there) and let me woo your woman with my frontend godspeed.

So what did I do?

Simple, asked her to show me one of the design models she already created on photoshop. Saved that thing to my computer and coded it at home. In 2 hours (It was originally one but my dumbass gor tab trigger happy with rm rf autocomplete so I had to do it again...fking dumb) and showed it to her this morning.

Eat a dick dude. The woman is already going apeshit over all the other shit we have to do plus working on her masters and attentind 100+ pointless meetings a day whilst still being able to be the best fucking manager I've ever had. I really don't need her freaking the fuck out over your dumbfuck estimates. Why in the wholy fucking world she listened to your dumbass is beyond me, probably stress made her freak out.

Its cool b.....I got it under control.

Fucking chill woman damn.

**drops mic

Holy shit my server survived a DNS amplification attack!

I thought my iptables rules were not very effective, since I kept seeing 1-2 ANY requests getting through my pihole (only to be ignored by the upstream cloudflare server).
Turns out, they never actually *kicked in*, until now.

The craziest part is that one ip belongs to the Ministry of a country!! :O

Eat that, motherfuckers! God I love it when this shit actually works!

My Javascript professor explained Boolean to me using an allegory about pizza: "If I give you pizza, under what condition do you eat it? Your hunger must be true or false. Boolean does the same thing, but with things less exciting than pizza."
It didn't even begin to make sense to me until it became about pizza.
I vote for ALL future computer classes to be taught in terms of pizza.

I eat food. And I cook food. Believe it or not, cooking is very similar to coding. Things you do at the very beginning haunt you till the very end. Also, premature optimization is the root of all evil (in both domains).

Anyone else find the eat sleep code hacker / soylent chugging caffeine energized all nighter coder beast idea immature? I run into people who think that those ideals are what makes a good engineer and it irks me. Maybe I'm just too judging.

I don't drink coffee, I eat it.

Yesterday, my new (Irish) co-worker comes to my desk and asks me a question about an issue in his code.
His commenting all done in Irish.
Him: "If you want me I can translate the comments for you?"
Me: "Ní gá, is féidir liom é a léamh go foirfe." ("No need to, I can read it perfectly fine")
co-worker looking at me like: "wtf just happened?"

After a while, I spotted the issue (I noticed the expected output from one of the functions not being of the correct format - an integer instead of an array).
So I fixed it.

Next day (this morning) I came back at work, looked into my food drawer to see what I would eat for breakfast (yes, I have a drawer specifically for food, and yes, I eat breakfast at work), found a small box containing an Ulster Fry :D

Best breakfast at work in a long time :D

1. Ability to freeze time... (except for internet & computer speed). Too many ideas, not enough hours in a day. Sleep should be declared optional as well.

2. Ability to not eat/drink at all, or eat/drink in copious quantities without negative effects. I enjoy a cognac, pizza & chocolate binge more than nausea, upwards BMI creep and hangovers.

3. True Virtual Reality. None of this headset crap, but immersiveness rivaling reality itself, with voice-controlled AI-assisted interfaces to "program" anything by simply describing it, iterating over details to add increasing complexities. Not even for porn reasons... my head just overflows with creative ideas for "holonovels" and interactive worldbuilding, but I don't have the patience nor artistic skills for game development.

TL;TR

My mum just came to me asking me why the mouse is not working ...like I'm GOD of electronics :( (I'm just a simple dev) I simply though that the battery is dead because it's old. Soooooo.....
I showed her how to open it and how to change the battery. After 5 min she came back with a new battery and the same mouse asking me to fix it for her....

In my mind I literally snapped my brain was bleeding and exploding at the same time.

I just cringed a fake smile and changed the battery in front of her very slowly. I sure she won't remember how to do it next time.

At the end of the story I can't talk back or be angry to my parents I have to much respect for them. They though me everything from how to poop, speak, dress, eat and so on.

Be kind to your parents.

Just blowing off steam with y'all. It will sound confused, but it's just all of my depressive thoughts mashed up in a rant.

So, here I am.

Surrounded by incompetent professors who are unable to point me in the right direction, that rarely even know what they are 'teaching'. In a moment of total loss, that has been lasting for months. Totally lost my motivation and my will to pursue a career in IT. All I do is game, eat, sleep, repeat. I am exhausted mentally. When I get back from school, I can't think of anything else but to relax and do nothing. I am frustrated. I care about becoming a programmer, but I can't find my inner strenght. School draws all of my strenght and willpower away from me, and therefore I get distracted very easily. I just do not know what to do anymore. I want to keep going, but I am stuck, unable to do so. "Perhaps this is just not for me" is what keeps resounding inside my head, but I do not truly believe it. I just wish that all of this stress would just disappear, and allow me to do what I care about. I need help to find the needed focus to continue.

Did someone here partecipate to the International Olympiad of Metropolises in Moscow?
I've been there this year and it was an excellent experience.. If you want it, share your thoughts or impressions!

(Picture of me trying to eat a pen and trying to find every fucking error in my code)

I used to get gigs from a freelancing website. Some guy posted a project where he wanted a website with complementary Android and iOS apps for $50. My bid was "Sir, would you like fries with that?". It was uncalled for I guess but after seeing so many projects like this, I was pissed to no end.

2 months later I get an email from the website saying I received an infraction due to my behaviour. Wtf is an infraction? Fuck you and fuck the English dictionary! Or pay me fucking 50 dollars to find out what it means!

Basically, I shat where I used to eat. Fuck my life.

Participated in a hackathon two weeks ago.

All 3 winners were established startups or had already developed product. All they did was, come, sit, eat, spare time and pitch.

Did organizer mistakenly named it HACKATHON 🤔 ???

Though, made it to TOP 10 and got incubated at incubation center of organizer

When you and your colleagues fight over code intending whether it should be a tab or ''x'' spaces.
My reply: It doesn't matter what you use!! It's like eating with either a fork or spoon, as long as you eat, dammit!!
My friend:

i am fucking tired of companies that come to me expecting to magically fix their STEAMING PILE OF BULLSHIT AND TRASH CODE. how about when i ask "can i get a project brief", instead of saying "just fix it" or "it just needs to do this", GIVE ME A FUCKING COHERENT AND DESCRIPTIVE WRITEUP OF EXACTLY WHAT YOU NEED. i can't read your minds, let alone read the code the previous cock sucking developer wrote, so guess what? i'm left with no other option but to completely rewrite it. to top it off, instead of giving me god damn excuses as to why you can't get me the api key for your order processing, MAKE A NEW ACCOUNT AND GET IT TO ME. how the fuck do you expect me to test an application when i don't even have access to the fucking api the whole shit pile is based around? i swear to god if these people expect me to have this done by the end of the week but want to be little cunt nuggets they can go eat shit. fuck you, fuck your "contract", fuck your company, FUCK EVERYTHING. greedy, shit faced bastards

So everyone is complaining about working from home. Fuck it, I love it. My productivity was never higher than now.

I didn't have an office space before at home, so I created one. I spent money on it but that's good because this whole corona thing made me realize how much I don't miss:
- company politics, who said what said
- commute
- people bothering you in the middle of you doing something
- catching-up breaks with people I hardly care about asking about holiday I took last year but they "ahhh thought it was just last week! so did you eat anything nice?"
- answering forced "any plans for the weekend" questions
- participating in conversations about nothing

The worst thing is that I'm actually a very sociable person 😂 so working from home means I can go meet my friends at 1630 sharp instead of 19.

I just don't need those fake relationships at work I guess.

Im already discussing with my manager possibility to work from home most of the time and I think I'll soon start to search for something 100% remote.

Food and computers.

Sorry for the fat people as well but i think those is legit.

I am sitting next to this friend of mine in class. She is a bit big. Anyhow.

She opens her laptop and i see her screen. Its dirty. But by dirty i mean fucking dirty. Like brow transparent circle like things all over.

I`m like: “shiiiet， whats that on your screen”.

She: “i am not really sure”.

2 days layer in another class we sit together again and she looks at me with a smile.

She: “look my screen is clean. It was dirty because sometimes o sit in bed and eat chicken then type on my keyboard，so when i close my computer the keys touch the screen and voiiiila!”

Me: “..... Wow”

She was quite proud she had elucidated the problem and did not really understand the meaning of my wow.

So working on the Android for work, and go to add in images for parts of the app. I add in images and load the app up and it crashes, I thought hmm maybe I missed something for the imageview.

The exception was an out of memory exception and from looks of it, it exceeded my phone memory by quite a bit (OnePlus 3 has 8gb LOL), I was stumped since I don't typically run into this.

Turns out this time around it wasn't my fault lol, I had some images outsourced to a company our company uses for doing design work and well Android doesn't like 2000 x 2000 super high quality for logos.

I mean sure it's good it's high quality but to have 3 images eat up a lot of memory (I assume my phone won't allocate all 8gb to one app lol).

*Swiches on the PC and opens VS*
Probably I should get some coffee.
*1 hour later, with 0 LOC written*
I should probably code now. Umm, I need music, else I might not focus on the code.
*another hour passes by headbanging to led zeppelin and still on 0 LOC progress*
You know what, this wont work. I should eat and will code with a fresh mind..
*has lunch*
I'll code now.. Maybe I should check up on devrant...
*time goes by with 0 LOC at the end of the day.*
I'll do it tomorrow.
*Next Day, repeats what I did on the earlier day*

How do you like them apples ?
Devrant style

No kidding she was looking at me while I was drinking coffee, I almost spill everything up seeing that.

Dammit apple let me have some privacy !

I eat it...

You fucking dense motherfucker of a professor. You mentally disabled shit-eater. You fucking perfectly know that I have been offered a very good position in a company I really wanted to work at and you fucking force me to stay and wait for the next graduation date to make me get my fucking degree. Just because you offered me a PhD position and I didn't want it.
I sincerely hope you lose all your prestige. Fucking choke with a big ass cock in your throath, eat your own vomit disgusting piece of shit. You are a fucking 60yo child. You have no respect for people work, you always want more. Get cancer fucking animal.

HOLY SHIT HANG URSELF

“An omelette, promised in two minutes, when not ready in two minutes, the customer has two choices – wait or eat it half-cooked. Software customers also have the same choices.” - Brooks.

Has it ever happened to anyone that you get hired as a backend java developer without going through any sort of evaluation and for some reason you start getting only design/frontend tasks and you politely complain but the dickhead says "well you should be able to do everything, and I want it before tomorrow" but you kind of need the money so "what the hell" and a couple days later you fully remember again how much you hate spending a whole day trying to get a bloody bar sticked to the bottom of the page while some dickass hits your slack and whatssapp with the nerving "where are my screens?" and start thinking "...do I really need to eat this month..." but anyways you make your research and ask for help and stop sleeping and do as much as you can to get the sh*t done and please the dickhead because you want his money?
...Anyone?
...No?
...Just me?
...Oh well, have a nice day/evening

TLDR; i wrote recursive compression with random algorithm to fuck up some lazy ass girl.

one day, unknown classmate told me she has a family reunion and cannot do his programming assignment which will be collected next day in the morning, so she ask me to do it. i say i need to put a price tag to it because i want to buy a new RasPi --i don't know her either so i don't feel bad about it. i told her i need $20 and after some bargaining it settled at $15. i work on it about 3 hours and told her it's finished and send her demo video as a proof. she happy with the result. and will come to my house later that night to get the source code. at night, she came, and give me only $8 bucks, of course i get mad, with every arguments she throws at me i resist to give her the source code. but since i tired enough to get into a longer arguments i accept the 8 bucks i go upstairs to get the source code. but instead of giving her the actual source code; i wrote a quick script to do 50 compress source code folder recursively with random compression algorithm--sometimes gzip sometimes lzma. and give her the final 50 times compressed source code. EAT SHIT MOTHERFUCKER

It looks like I FINALLY stopped binge spending.

Two years ago I was making like $500 a month and couldn’t manage it properly so sometimes I couldn’t even afford to eat.

Now I open my banking app and it puts smile on my face.

2010: haha yeah I use StackOverflow too
2011: SO, amirite?
2012: omg SO servers are down
2013: am engineer and I use SO to remember how to eat and breathe
2014: guys, what if SO was down. CODEPOCALYPSE!
2015: I use SO and have imposter syndrome
2016: omg, git checkout this SO meme on /r/programmerhumor
2017: I'd rather skin my mother alive than have SO dowb
2018: Stack fucking Overflow... like.. what if... you... can't... use it... in an interview...
2019: check my twitter @paresh, tons of SO references with barely intelligible english

just fucking drop dead, pieces of shit...

Oh yes, today was a fugly nice day.
Fuck you my dear boss.
Your mindless way of taking a dump onto my code, moving my classes (CSS) away and adding new classes to refuck my unfucked fuckery clearly shows how much brain is left in your hollow skull of nothingness.

It took me only 2.5 hours of my precious time to unfuck your refucked fuckery and implement the fix you wanted me to do because you fucked up my code.

Go eat a bag of segfaults and get cast to void* (void pointer).
I am also very thankful having spent the whole day today to fix cross browser fuckups, hacks and #!&$+@.

Normally I really like my boss. He is a cool guy and an innovative and mostly intelligent person.
BUT FUCK HIS CODE.

I am so fucking done with all these incompetent fucktards!!! Why would you keep a client-brief in secret from your colleagues?! Why on your screwed delusional Earth you think it is perfectly okay if you don’t communicate the changes ahead your team? How could you - microbrained prehistoric dinosaur who petrified to your own semen - think that I can estimate with my time and do my work when you are barely able to think ahead 2 minutes without letting me know the actual scope and deadlines???!!! AND NO telling me the day before NOT GONNA MAKE IT VALID!!!! You failed in life you failed in evolution you played my trust and I don’t give horseshit about your career! Go fuck a hedgehog, eat it and shit out on the same fucking day. Tomorrow a new era starts and prepare yourself as I am hereby vow that I am not going to care any of your bullshit! I vow that every time you come to me with a new task, I will start it WHEN I can and do it between 9 and 17 and if anyone asks I will calmly tell the hard truth about the overbred, human shaped, evolutional dead end you are...

I was looking around to do some stuff with wireshark and I stumbled across a forum question from a 2012 in which someone actually replied with the people from the future in mind.

God bless you shearn89 🫡
Youre a real one

And to those that reply "I found the solution thx" and don't post it: eat a dick

If it is lunch time and I have a sandwich stuffed halfway in my face, do not walk up to me with your computer asking for help. It doesn't take me long to eat so give me 3 fucking minutes to finish.

I will help you...I will touch your keyboard with my greasy fingers...I will touch your screen...multiple times.

You're welcome.

That feeling of wanting to walk away from coding forever and not having a single thing to do with it ever again, but also having nothing else you can do and a powerful need to eat and have shelter.

!rant

TL;DR: "Gather all resources before working on any project and committing to the client... & over smartness can be deadly"

Couldn't stop my laughter after reading this one.

A new vacuum salesman knocked at the door….

A lady opened it. Before she could speak... The salesman rushed into the living room and emptied a bag of cow dung on the carpet.

Salesman: - Madam, if I couldn't clean this up in the next 3 mins with my new powerful vacuum cleaner, I will EAT all this!!

Lady: Do you need Chili Sauce with that?

Salesman: - Why Madam?

Lady: - Because there's no electricity in the house...!!!

😂😂😂

I'm very dependent on my sense of smell. I always smell whatever I eat or drink. Because of some stuff about my brain that my doctor told me and I forgot, this sense is very precise.

It's so precise in fact that in a closed room I can tell whether a woman is on her period or not. But we're blessed and we're also cursed – put any kind of paint, nail polish, rotten food, so-called "car perfume" near me and I have a headache until I get a full night of sleep.

Coronavirus however fucked up that feeling. When it initially disappeared I was panicking because I felt like a cat with his whiskers cut off. Now it's back and it's strong as usual, but it's different.

Now I can't eat chicken. No matter if it's fresh or not, if I smell chicken my brain just fucking nopes out and tries to vomit.

Corona sucks. Stay safe.

Dear people who create frameworks and libraries,

Please don't advertise your stuff as 'super easy to use', 'incredibly lightweight', 'no configuration needed', 'seamless integration' and shit like this. We all know it's a big fat fucking lie. Just be honest and write 'it supposed to be all-purpose but won't solve your problem', 'a huge fucking chaotic mess', 'slow as shit', 'will eat up all your resources', 'might be good but we've lost the documentation' or 'actually worse than vanilla'. If you'd do this, the world would be a better place.

Thanks,

Here's what being in a rut is like:

You wake up to the alarm, you waste an hour or two in bed stalling browsing social shit. Finally got out of bed. You have a todo list. You ignore it. Get something to eat. Open Netflix or some brain numbing shit while having breakfast. A few hours go by, you're still watching Netflix and switching to browsing social shit in-between so your brain is numb as much as possible. It's lunch time, you're supposed to cook something, nah, I will order something. Oh, it's bedtime, let's make a todo list and go to bed and start over tomorrow...

I appreciate Minecraft and Minecraft mods. Teaching kids to eat tasty animals, and make glue from blood. There is a mod the literally makes glue by putting horses in a smelter. You can even heal the horse and keep it alive indefinitely. In constant agony. lol

Although, the idea that you can sustainably produce energy from wood is a bit suspect. Thankfully mods jumped in with nuclear reactors for real power generation.

As a developer, I'm fed up with companies that expect us to work miracles in impossible timelines. We're not wizards, we're not magicians, we're not even superheroes. We're human beings who need time to develop quality software.

It's frustrating to be given a project with a deadline that's completely unrealistic. It's even more frustrating when the same company that gave us the deadline is unwilling to give us the resources we need to meet it.

And let's not forget about the endless meetings, emails, and phone calls that eat up our valuable time. We need to code, not attend endless meetings that never seem to accomplish anything.

And don't get me started on the non-technical people who think they know more about coding than we do. Just because you know how to use Microsoft Excel doesn't make you an expert on software development.

It's time for companies to start treating developers with the respect we deserve. We're not just code monkeys, we're skilled professionals who can create amazing things when given the right tools and resources. So stop treating us like we're disposable and start investing in us. Trust me, it will pay off in the long run.

Not much of a story but about 2 years ago, I had just got to the mall (at its opening time so many shops were still closed). While walking through to find a place to eat while my mother went grocery shopping, my phone started buzzing. Upon checking; it had hundreds of notifications and emails. Our production server was malfunctioning.

Not much that I had to do, but I ran around to find a computer store to use their model computers to see what was happening.

However, while the problem was fixed, I did notice how friendly Mac stores were as opposed to windows dealers that day. Windows dealers did not allow me to use the computers while the Mac store connected me to wifi and allowed me all the time needed to fix my issue. 👀

Went to a Hackathon, the platform looked like bs and the documentation was mehhh. So spent the time sleeping, waking only to eat Pizza :3.

(Know it was bs when no one cared >.>)

I hate it when I'm working on something and then I have to eat/drink/take a piss/shit. Come on, body, just let me fucking work

Fuuuuck you AWS!!!
If you have a feature called “termination protection” perhaps it should actually prevent an instance from being terminated!

But nooo, you add *one line* of text on a documentation unrelated to ec2 terminations saying that in this particular scenario, it will terminate your instance.

Eat a dick. Eat a bag of dicks. Eat all of the dicks you fucking turd munchers.
Now I have to manually enter a month of invoices from the order emails that were created. 😡

So, I'm a Jr. Webdev started one year ago to work on a €200mln. retail platform. Our development team consists out of my Sr. dev who designed the whole platform and it's basically his baby. Now he's leaving and it's expected from me to do new developments, support, meetings with managers from all over Europe, roll-outs in new countries, deal with all the issues SAP has, eat their bullshit when they can't upload a .csv file because they are too stupid to check for missing leading zeros. Listen to important their new functions are that they want because 120% of the salespeople needs it. How stupid can this company be to take the financial risk? I'm done.

Fuck me I forgot to eat (was too busy at work) and I lost my chance to eat anything from the cafeteria.

Oh well...vending machine it is.

One of my employees just gave me a panchito(basically a fried tortilla chip with cheese, avocado and meat) and went away. He legit bought it from the cafeteria, walked all the way to the office to give me one, and left to eat it back at the cafeteria 🤣🤣🤣 bless him.

I keep seeing comments like “This should be on spotify” under youtube videos. Guess what — I download them with youtube to mp3 converter, drag n drop them into apple music, and boom, it syncs to my phone. They live among apple music-native tracks. They don’t eat up icloud space (I don’t use icloud), and they don’t disappear when apple music subscription expires. I don’t know any music streaming service that has everything in hi-res or lossless and allows that.

Whoever is reading this...

Have a great day! I know the world is in a bad place rn and everything is chaos but take it upon yourself to strive for a great day everyday. Make sure you eat your food drink your water and take some time for yourself to relax and do whatever makes you happy! Spend some time with your loved ones, start a new project that could help the world, go outside, etc. Make the most of your day!

Not exactly a co-worker, but one of the devs from the client's team spent a few months working in our office next to us. He would always take a nap at lunch time and snore loudly, and eat an apple afterwards and it seemed to be impossible for him to chew with his mouth closed.

Whenever he had a cold and his nose got blocked he would still force himself to breathe through his nose, so it sounded something like a mix of darth vader and someone drowning.

He also lacked any notion of personal space, and would always sneak behind us to ask questions and then put his laptop right on top of our keyboards or in front of our screens and start talking while we still had headphones on.

I practice stress-debugging.
It means that while I'm debugging and still in the phase where I have lots of ideas about what possibly went wrong (thanks to my loyal diagnostic team of ducks), I intentionally increase my discomfort level, forcing my brain to work faster and solve the issue. I don't drink, eat, or go to the loo no matter how desperately I need to, until the bug is fixed.
My colleagues and managers think I'm insane or a closet masochist but nevertheless, they acknowledge it actually works for me.
How weird is that?

Heres a rant:

Ion fuckin care if people post memes, not even if they post it as rant. But when they TRANSCRIBE the fucking meme im really tempted to make like 10 accounts just to downvote that shit. Eat a dick you fat fucking whores.

Walked past one of my employees as he was talking on the phone. He says something along the lines of "oh no that was totally my fault" to which I just blurt out "haha dumbass"

And he just goes O.o and then to the phone "oh, yes, no sorry, yes that was my manager" to where someone just roars out laughing on the other line.

Him: "apparently the director of X department found it hilarious that your standard automatic response was that out of nowhere"

Before I get called an asshole or whatever, my dudes regularly leave notes on my office with messages such as "die", "eat shit" etc. Its good fun lads, don't lose yer heads over it.

I own my grandfather's Victorinox Swiss Army Knife, probably from the eighties. I absolutely love it — it's just like the standard Unix toolkit. Minimalist, multi-purpose, efficient. This is what I have in my knife:
1. Two blades. I call them master (yes) and slave
2. Corkscrew. I call it "ed".
3. Hole puncher, but not just any hole puncher. Mine has an angular sharp edge to carve holes instead of just punching them. Super efficient for wood, plastic and thick fabric. It also has a hole so it can be used as a needle. I call it "vi".
4. Bottle opener which is also a screwdriver. I call it "more".
5. Can opener. This is my favorite one.

It can help you open just about anything. Any type of cans, closed pistachio nuts, oysters, your barely legal girlfriend's virginity — anything. When I eat pistachios, I'm holding my Victorinox in my hand opening tough ones with the speed of rm -rf ripping through your files. Oh, and it's also another screwdriver. I call it "cat".

But let's take a look at modern Victorinox. Maybe it's better? No, not at all. It's totally metrosexual featuring nail files, nail clippers, nail scissors and a flash drive (not even a good one).

Newer doesn't always mean cooler.

(I have the exact same one, photo from the internet because I'm too lazy)

2 in 1

How I fucking hate people that are over apologetic, but don't actually learn anything out of it, maybe next time you do the same fucking mistake again, I'll shove a fucking spiked metal rod up your ass and twist it, so next time you sit down you seemingly still fucking feel it and remember to check beforehand to avoid the fucking issue, you fucking buffoon.

--

Another thing I'd stick a rusty crackneedle pipe up somebodys internals is "for each day late we will penalize 500$ from the budget" while the budget is like 2k, go fuck yourself and eat your cash, with your "30 day challenge" job, you fucking cumstain.

Ok, time to eat some humble pie. I seem to remember ranting about the fact we were going to use an offshore dev house a while back, and I'd convinced myself they were going to be absolutely useless.

Far from it. It's certainly meant I've had something else to do in managing them, and I can't say everything has been completely rosy - but overall, they're a bunch of hard working, decent devs who write good, well-tested code, are receptive to feedback in code reviews and take the initiative and ask questions when they need to. Shame on me for initially thinking otherwise - I'll miss working with them when I leave this place.

For fucks sake! It's 2018 and MS™ Excel™ is still not able to store a file in UTF-8...
And neither can you choose the separators when opening a CSV.

Go eat a bag of corporate dicks and greedily choke on it to an agonizing death.

Why are vegans & mac users so fucking annoying.
Eat what you like.
Use what you like.

Why tf you have to tell me what you eat & what you use is the only good thing in the world. Stop going 'how can you eat that?' & 'how can you use that?' Keep it to yourself 🔫😠

After seeing everyone arguing about coffee on my post yesterday, I thought you guys might like to see my new invention.

I call it "the late man's coffee" for when you don't have enough time to eat breakfast and drink your morning coffee.

Just don't open it...

Will definitely not pretend to be productive 24/7. But the below help me reach a satisfactory 8/5 most day's.
- Exercise in the morning
- Eat breakfast
- Listen to good music
- Make sure to have fun moments throughout the workday (++ for initiating)
- Catch air, have a walk, take a break
- Minimize interactions with toxic people
- Be open in sharing knowledge, thoughts, work , good people will repay you
- Get in the kitchen, cook nice healthy meals
- Set concrete and reachable targets
- Remain eager to learn
- Celebrate successes
- Spent time with friends and family
- Catch enough sleep

And above all, DON'T open devRant!!!

I hate touching my keyboard when I eat... I usually put some video to watch and start eating. But every single time it goes like this:

Me: "Finally finish that piece of code, time to cook some food!"

*After cooking and back in front of my screen ready to enjoy the next episode of my favorite show*

Brain: "Wtf are you doing! You have better things to do than watching this garbage! Like implementing all 101 improvements you thought about while cooking!"

Coding is like the minds virus for me. I can't stop, but I sometimes question if it's good for me. Work is ok nowadays, but keeping a balance in hobbies is so hard. When I discover something new that's fun it can eat me up for days. But that excitement can leave just as quickly with very few projects ever finished as a result.

Just had a talk with my manager who wanted to know why I removed a feature from an application we had. This removal had been discussed WITH THE MANAGER several months prior, but apparently they hadn't written a little note or anything down about it.

I told them we had discussed it earlier. They didn't believe me. They checked the project technical specifications that said it _should still be there_. I told them we talked about it previously. They told me to prove it, so I go looking through the commit history.

Lo and behold:

- Commit <hash> authored 4 months ago.
- Update to specifications, asked for by <manager>

Eat it.

So, I'm a veteran. I served in the Army as an information system operator/analyst. Glorified help desk, set up some equipment in the field, a few other small things. But I can make fun of vets, other branches, and those serving. I've paid my dues, and they're OK with it. Hell, they all do it too. But you have to be a vet or currently serving.

I feel like that with tech too. My buddies and I call each other geeks/nerds all the time. I get annoyed (read as pissed off) when someone from the outside does it.

I got an email from a recruiter that said something along the lines of "..basically a bunch of really smart nerds building software..." What the actual fuck? Go eat an entire bag of dicks, and choke on every single one.

1. Go to my setup
2. Lights off
3. Lamp on
4. Door closed
5. Headphones on
6. Run zone.bat or zone.sh depending (yes, I have a script - it puts on music, at wherever I am in the album, changes sound & display settings, and a few other things.
7. Set breaktime alarm (I forget otherwise)
8. Code
9. When breaktime alarm goes off:
9a. Get a ginger beer and since biscuits
9b. Eat
9c. Repeat from 7

I am currently doing my first ever internship. It is a medium-ish sized IT company and I basically do stuff in networking and software development. I sit on my chair, wheel it back and forth the small space behind my desk for like and hour. Then I go to the cafeteria, eat whatever is there (it’s absolutely free? Hopefully). There is a pool table which is always occupied. Then I sit in the lab and configure routers till 8 in the night. Boring.
I am developing a management system side by side so I break my head over server side routes (seriously, they are confusing) over the night.
So coffee is my mantra and boring is my life.

Monday starts amazing.

Team Leader is mad that i didn't attend a party, and insists to know, why i wasnt there.

An event, that per my understanding was obviously an optional event, where colleagues meet, talk about some stuff, and then eat and drink, because it was fucking worded that way in the email. Ah and in that email they also asked us to actively respond, if we want to participate.

Me, naturally: Obviously an optional event, go figure.

It's interesting that AAA games are becoming analogous to pop music, as they relate to the medium of which they are part. E3 is just a bunch of trailers for rushed sequels to existing, played-out franchises. The big price tags are almost universally not worth it, as these games typically release with major bugs, and often rely on grind-enforced microtransactions.

Meanwhile, indie games keep getting better, more innovative, and remain reasonably priced. Ubisoft, EA, Bethesda, Rockstar, and the rest of the big-budget studios can eat my ass.

I had a question about a software concepts I didn't understand so I posted it to softwareengineering.stackexchange.com since stackoverflow would eat me for trying to ask for help with a concept.

I thought nothing was worse than stackoverflow...

I was wrong, in the first 2 minutes I got 2 downvotes and no comments why I got downvoted. I checked other posts...

All downvoted at least -3 and no comments why.
Congrats Software Engineering you stole the crown for most toxic community from stack

programming is not a piece of cake that you come and eat.
friend of mine thinks programming is so simple.
fuck you who think its easy it takes hours of dedication

This is fucking mental. Nextjs is a fucking unoptimized piece of fucking trash framework. When i dont touch it for several days magically everything breaks and no longer works. What the FUCK is this garbage framework.

Also i just npm run dev after 3 days of not touching the project, when it started routing is fucking dead, freezes and loading forever, getting stuck at UI, checked activity monitor just to see this piece of fucking cum eat 330-390% of my fucking CPU

Powered by Shitcel

Nextjs unstable cum gargled bullshit garbage framework for script kiddies who think they know shit about programming but they're mindless retards who know nothing about security, jwt tokens or even devops infrastructure or IaC. Fucking useless overexaggerated trillions of dollars of marketing budget for Shitcel's framework called nextjs is not as good as the fake marketing campaign portrayed it to be. It was all a fabricated lie. A fascade. A hollywood shitshow. A faked moon landing type of framework. A fucking meme framework. Fucking pissed off for wasting my time learning it

I'm trying to explain to this dumb mf-er why we can't use send data simply.
It's a mobile platform I said, you can't rely on having network I said, the dumbass users might try it on 2% battery I said.
DO'H BUT MY INTERZ CAN DO IT IN 5 MINUTES.
Yeah, enjoy crashing the app with asynctask like a stupid bitch. When it fails under nearly every possible condition that deviates from the ideal, you can go write down how great your interns are, eat it up, shit it out and when you grow a flower from that, then I might help you again.
Retard server people.

Why is it seen as weird to eat a lemon like an orange? They taste nice!!

Today the struggle was real.

But damn if it isn't days like this where you learn real shit.

Fighting with a debian VM for half the day to make a local development environment. I'm tired, but everything works, the project looks good, and I'm just sorta angry/tired/proud now.

I learned so much, and now want pie. I am going to go eat some pie.

Question for the old timers: is it possible to work as a dev for the rest of your life and be happy?
.
.
.
Does it get any better or is dev burnout baked into the business model of every company?
The CEO flat out admitted it was exactly that where I'm at a few weeks ago 😞

While attending an internal training session (some joining the meeting online and some present in the room), an online attendee did not mute their microphone and proceed to eat a packet of crisps/chips. And not softly, but like a horse.

We were also recording it, so now we can listen to it over and over ...

Multiple all-nighters (all day every day):

1) Working, studying and developing an Android game as pet project. Last few weeks before release (yup, I've set a deadline for a pet project) my day consisted of uni, work, more work and 4-5h sleep.

2) Having worked on my thesis (Development of a CPU/SoC + Firmware + Linux kernel) and actual paid work. In parallel. Because, you know, I need to eat and pay rent and shit while I'm writing the thesis. And debts at that moment were not an option (still made some). All-day all-night all-week. After submitting the thesis I went to the doc and enjoyed 2 weeks of doing nothing.

3) Sometimes on my main open-source project after regular work hours. If I have the motivation and ideas that I want to check out or prove it gets late/early too fast.

Today I went into the 1 holer restroom right after my boss. I braced myself for the worse as the toilet seat was down. To my surprise it smelled like bubble gum. So my boss's shit doesn't stink, it smells like bubble gum.

What that hell do you have to eat to make your shit smell like bubble gum?

Just spent 6-8 hours or so trying to get image uploading to work with sending messages with firebase. Finally completed it.

Disclaimer: this might not make the most sense as I am completely drained mentally.

The issue was that I wasn't calling the send message method inside the upload image method. Meaning the images would upload but before I would be able to get the Uri back from firebase to put in the hashmap for the messages, the message hashmap would already be sent.

It was a pain in the ass to do. But 5 windows and 40 tabs later, then some doc reading. Then a quick break to eat. And some more stressing about my code. I finally realized that I should have just called the send message inside the incomplete listener in the image upload.

TLDR;
"uploadImage(), sendMessage()"= no Uri; :(
"UploadImage() { sendMessage() } = Uri" :)

PS: Yes, this is me talking to myself on my other account

Come the fuck on!
AngularJS, or should I call it AidsJS, seems to magically stop sending data as 'form-data'.
2 hours of debugging and this rusty piece of junk won't bow down before my magic hands!
Go eat a rotten turd candy, Google!

Why do co workers find it acceptable to eat and type on their keyboard with greasy fingers and then go on to ask for help only to realise that my fingers are wet / greasy seconds later.... eugh

I am in a ranting mood today.

I HATE "day in the life of a SWE" videos. Especially the ones where they work from home.

They basically show that they sleep/eat all day and get very little done. I know it's for entertainment or comedic effect but it makes me uneasy about the image that they are projecting to the world.

People already don't think we deserve the salary that we make and when they see these videos the idea gets re-enforced into their heads.

I've been working from home for 3 years and my day is NOTHING like what these content creators show in their videos. It's a bunch of meetings and a lot of coding with very little rest.

My olfactory hallucinations really made things complicated. Not only whatever I eat that is not raw iceberg salad smells like rotten flesh, I also can’t choose a deodorant.

I got nivea one and threw it away.

I got old spice one and threw it away.

Now I got chanel one and I like it and I DONT FUCKING KNOW if I like it because it smells good to me or because I’m actually hyperconsumerist no matter how hard I deny it. Does being a hyoerconsumerist make me bad? What is bad in that context? Is a kind of reasoning bad only because if everyone follows that reasoning the world will be fucked? Are there good reasonings then, but not like zen, the ones that actually lead to scientific progress. Is scientific progress a good criteria to judge?

NO MICROSOFT FOR FUCK SAKE NO!

I have a fucking 15inch screen and that left side menu is eating 25% of it! IF you gonna throw in a new "Creative" design, make the damn menu re sizable, NO I DO NOT WANT TO HIDE THE LABELS AND MEMORIZE YOUR STUPID ICONS!

At least do what Gitlab did, a nice small menu that DOES NOT EAT HALF THE DAMN SCREEN!

Oh, did I say anything about sub menu hell that pops up whenever your mouse hover over any of the items on the left? Yaaa... that goes to a brand new rant!

Why do people eat at their work desk? This fuckety fuck is putting her sticky spoon in her mouth with some pungent shit in it. And its fucking my nose up.

They also make their workplace dirty with bits all around. You have a cafeteria for fucks sake. Get your lazy ass up there and eat.

>Why is chrome making my computer turn off all of a sudden?
<Boss, you have a quite old iMac with fully updated chrome, which is known to eat RAM. PLus, you've been using that computer as a donkey to do video editing, even tho it's not made for that (looking at the stats), and you have your home folder on an external hard drive, plus like 10 other apps always active, including premiere, illustrator, airmail (with 12k emails always loaded smh), slack on 2 workspaces and at LEAST 12 chrome tabs on some of the heaviest websites
>Mmh... yeah you're right, I'm kinda asking for it

Look here Mr Senior Tech if you don’t know 100% what you’re doing, don’t fucking touch the goddamn firewall with your fucking sausage fingers and you overblown call center team lead. I mean you need to have the confidence you would have if you were eating a banana and some one told you it was a poisonous berry, you’d laugh and eat it anyway, cause it’s obviously a banana. That’s the kind of confidence you need to have when fucking with the entire goddamn network configurations. I just went thru a 7 hour shit show because you THOUGHT you knew what you were doing. Not a damn thing was broken there. One service needed a hole in the firewall and you fucked all this beyond an easy fix. Now I’ll admit I don’t have that much confidence working with the firewall, that’s why I would fucking cal one of the companies that set it up even though we don’t necessarily have a support contract, it would have cost a lot damn less to have them work on it than for the whole company to be down and for me to have to stress over every fucking thing going (or not going) on.

I am learning java at school and my teacher asked me to make a work on JTA (java transaction API). There's not a lot of tutos on it on the web so I say to myself "go on, give it a try, you'll only learn by trying."
I finally find how to make the @TransactionType, where to put the @Stateless, my test works, nice. Finally I want to try a case where it shouldn't work, just to be sure the rollback works well. The test goes and... NullPointerException. Wtf ! Normally, my catch is supposed to, well, catch the error !

And finally, I was just stupid. My catch worked great. But I put a "throw e" inside.

Now I wanna hides under blankets, cry, eat cake and never see my coworkers again.

You see that, over there?

That massive, 10-ton bag of dicks sitting there in the corner?

Secure Code Warrior can eat that ENTIRE FUCKING THING!

SO many flaws in their tests... SO much HIGHLY questionable content... utterly RIDICULOUS bullshit code with no comments and no context... asking me fucking Angular questions when I'm doing an Express test... two answers that are IDENTICAL... and a busted-ass site on top of it all.

I hate this motherfucking bullshit SO much, and at this moment I hate my employer even more for forcing me to deal with it.

But, hey, I hope you enjoy no work getting done today since you seem to prefer I do this instead, so I guess I'll just scare my dog some more as I yell about this bullshit.

Fuck you Secure Code Warrior, fuck you very, VERY much.

Check in, check out, punch in punch, out, wax on (my balls), wax off. Do your duty. Be a good citizen. Work overtime. Conserve the environment: buy a tesla that runs on afghan lithium conflict minerals. Post your life to facebook. Get married. Have exactly 2.5 kids.
Use jquery. Use knockout. Use react. Use vue. Use svlete. Use heroin. Used needles. Used people. Used toilet paper. Toilet paper apocalypse. Social trends. Be a good citizen.

Watch tv. Watch nightly news. CNN says. Fox news says. Hey, did you read this article by important funny guy on tv? American taliban. Scary. Be afraid. Hey did you read this article on cute puppies? Funny! Did you see this meme? What a funny meme! HAHAHA. Do we need prisons for dissidents? Do we need to release all the prisoners in federal prison? Should we round up people who dont follow health authorities? Science says. Science is wrong. Science is right. Man in robe agrees with me. Man in robe disagrees with me. You're evil. These people are bad. Is doing bad always wrong? Should we tolerate intolerance? Its time to stop tolerating intolerance. Be an individual, like everyone else. Be you. Be the best you that you can be. Individualism. But we're all in this together. We're all different and unique. But we're all the same. Love each other. Love humanity. But not these guys over here. Punch a nazi. Punch a commie. Isn't it time we punched a nazi? Isn't it time we had socialism? Isn't it time the old get out of the way for the young? Why are the old hateful? Why do they horde all the money? Do we need rent controls? We need rent controls. Its time for rent controls. I think I believe what others believe. Believe different. Think different. Apple. An apple a day keeps the windows away. Open windows, a breathe of fresh air. Is climate change real? We need to have a national conversation about climate change! The world is freezing. The world is flooding. We're all gonna drown. The world is overpopulated. We need to talk about overpopulation. People who have too many kids are polluting the world. America doesnt have enough kids! Is it time to bring in more immigrants to have more kids? Who will work the fields? Thats racist. Is racism an epidemic? Is white flight an epidemic? Lets talk about epidemics. Lets have a conversation about mandatory vaccination. Lets have a national conversation about mandatory pandemics. I mean, vaccinations. Lets change the world. Trust the science. Don't trust the science. Bu-bu-bu-bu-bu I'm loving it. Love who you are. Live love laugh. If you don't love me at my best, then you can't handle me at my worst. People who disagree with [current year] are the worst. Is it time to regulate speech? Its time to regulate speech. Should there be laws against hatespeech. I think there should be laws against hatespeech. People who upset me should go to jail. Its current year. Think big. Think outside the bun. Have it your way. All the time, always. All for freedom, freedom for all. Because this is america, and current year. I like to work hard. But you have to remember to play hard too. Work hard. Play hard. With a childlike sense of wonder. Be you. Belong anywhere. Just do it. Challenge Everything. Because you're worth it. Save money...live better...have an abortion. You're in good hands. Democracy dies in darkness. Is it time to regulate hatespeech. Politician in current year is hurting our democracy. War is a racket. We need to liberate afghanistan. Why are we bombing afghanistan? Its there culture. They're oppressing people! Don't criticize anyones culture. Be kind. Rewind. Go further. Lets go places. Because Impossible is Nothing.
Lets change the world. I'm a smart passionate funny guy with a childlike sense of wonder and play. You ever want to travel? I want to travel. See the world. Eat new food. Eat. Love. Pray. Eat love. kill. Is meat murder? I think meat is murder. Go vegan. Go home. Order out. Support your local economy. Think global, act local. I'm a good corporate citizen. Be the change you want to see. Did you hear about this local brewery? Do you like craft beer? Hey try this new IPA. I shared it on twitter. Twitter is a very important part of my life. I think what other people say matters, and them reading what I think matters. What I ate for lunch matters. Hey what did you eat for lunch? I LOVE FOOD. You want to order door dash. There new commercial is amazing. Commercials are SO FUNNY. Hey did you see this meme of this commercial? I shared it on tiktok. Heres a funny dance. Watch these nurses dance. I wish I could dance like that. They're so overworked. So brave. Our hospitals are overflowing. People are dying. Hey did you see this new dance trend on tiktok? I like tiktok. I think its a very important part of life to share your life with others. Nurses are dying. Look at this image of hospitals. Scared. Very scary. Very bad. Bad and scary. Big thoughts! Thoughts and prayers!

Because Yes we can!

Beep boop.

Have u ever opened youtube app on ur phone and started watching a yt video but before u could watch that video u got interrupted with an ad that u can not skip and so u got so frustrated to the point that u grabbed ur dick and slapped the phone screen so the ad can eat ur dick and just before the ad expired u jizzed on the face of that ad and so when the ad was about to finish there was a skip button so u tapped that button not with ur finger but with the tip of ur dick although it was difficult to do that because the jizz kind of interfered with ur touch screen controls so u had to wipe the jizz from ur phone screen with ur dick into the mouth of whoever was in the ad in order to properly press the skip button for that ad so u can simply skip it and finally start watching the yt video that u were initially trying to do ?

Hi all,

This might be a long post so bear with me. I work for a company and there was a project for a huge client. I'm junior in skill (been programming for about two years) but my job title doesn't reflect that. Anyways, I got the design about a month ago but I was on deadline for two other projects so I couldn't pick it up until last week Wed. Ironically, that's when the final design was delivered & told me it was due next week Wednesday. I built it as fast as I could. Finished mobile but for some reason, this last part for desktop just wasn't working out and it just so happens to be the most crucial part of the piece. (I was also sick the entire time and didn't sleep for the last two days nor did I eat). I was supposed to demo it yesterday but I still needed to make a few updates and the project coordinator took me off the project & gave it to a dev with more experience. This has never happened to me before. I'd go as far as to say this is my first big fuck up. I've always delivered on deadline and I'm taking this pretty hard. Has anyone been in similar situations? What do I do? Any advice?

Separation of concerns is a beautiful thing.

JSX is fucking ugly. Fuck that shit. I hate JSX with a passion.

Here is one. Did you know that the digestive system works really hard to digest the food eaten?

How about we blend all the food before consuming it? Take a blender and add a cup of coffee, add some salad, add a piece of cake, a few slices of pizza, hot sauce and for good measure add some juice, or whatever-you-eat-for-lunch.

After all, all that food is going to get mixed anyway. This is more efficient!

No? Why not? Because it's ugly, highly unappetizing, disgusting even, and it takes away the pleasure of eating, the enjoyment of a good meal.

That in a nutshell is JSX: mashing up everything together under the pretext of efficiency.

Web development not only is an art, but above all must be enjoyable to those who devote their lives to it. And ugly ain't gonna cut it.

After I cured my depression with Vortioxetine which was prescribed to me because of pure luck, I can notice that something has changed.

I can't tell if I like or don't like something anymore. It doesn't matter now which food to eat, what music to listen to, I just can't see the difference. I dropped all my side projects, quit my job and got another, much easier one. I don't see the big picture of things anymore. I also lost my ability to reverse-engineer problematic outcomes and find solutions.

I used to be an architect but now I can't design anything, I just forgot how to do what I could do without thinking. I forgot Lisp and Clojure, functional programming is too hard for me now. I just don't understand it.

My iq also significantly dropped.

Summarizing all that, and also remembering that liking or not liking something implies that you have a personality, I can only see one reason – I probably don't have a personality anymore.

Here's a summary of my experiences from when I was depressed:

depression makes you dumb
you struggle with simplest tasks
you only eat and go to the bathroom because sometimes your basic instincts win
depression takes your power of will – the most valuable thing you have
society doesn't understand and shames you
you can't think
you can't focus
you can't study
you need money but you can't make it
you don't have that save space inside your thoughts anymore
you don't have dreams
your sleep schedule is fucked
every night there's a nightmare and you can't wake up
you can't cry
they prescribe you one neuroleptic after another and they only makes it worse, turning you into a vegetable
you feel nothing but shame and irrational infinite guilt

!dev

I'm always torn at the gym:
As a former rower, it gives me almost physical pain to see people on the rowing machines, flailing around and almost falling off sideways (rowing is an elegant, albeit masochistic sport).

However, as a swiss person, strangers are my natural predator and might eat me alive if I dare speak to them...

Having the coder anxiety, can't finish code in one sitting, getting anxious, not eating because cannot eat while in the middle of something "important". Trying to finish it anyway, getting more tired, staying up too late, losing concentration on the next day and doing it all over again...

How many of you actually study without any sort of aiding substance such as coffee or vitamin pills? I do, for instance.

I don't use any aid but it makes it more difficult sometimes. I just eat wholesome food and work out to make my brain have enough energy to process difficult matter.

My superpower: having the flu will not affect me whatsoever...but it will get everyone else in my vicinity SICK af.

Which is why my sexy ass was sent home since Monday and I have been living life at home this week. I haven't taken a vacation in so long, and this feels nice. HR fucked up and their dumbasses said I was not "cleared" to work from home. Yet I have over 200 hours accumulated of sick leave.

My department is in flames because I am needed there. Of course, every other department thinks I don't do shit all day, the only one that knows how much I do is my boss, bless him. But for every other motherfucker that thinks that I am here just playing with my thumbs all day: eat shit...und die.

That's it, where do I send the bill, to Microsoft? Orange highlight in image is my own. As in ownly way to see that something wasn't right. Oh but - Wait, I am on Linux, so I guess I will assume that I need to be on internet explorer to use anything on microsoft.com - is that on the site somewhere maybe? Cause it looks like hell when rendered from Chrome on Ubuntu. Yes I use Ubuntu while developing, eat it haters. FUCK.

This is ridiculous - I actually WANT to use Bing Web Search API. I actually TRIED giving up my email address and phone number to MS. If you fail the I'm not a robot, or if you pass it, who knows, it disappears and says something about being human. I'm human. Give me free API Key. Or shit, I'll pay. Client wants to use Bing so I am using BING GODDAMN YOU.

Why am I so mad? BECAUSE THIS. Oauth through github, great alternative since apparently I am not human according to microsoft. Common theme w them, amiright?

So yeah. Let them see all my githubs. Whatever. Just GO so I can RELAX. Rate limit fuck shit workaround dumb client requirements google can eat me. Whats this, I need to show my email publicly? Verification? Sure just go. But really MS, this looks terrible. If I boot up IE will it look any better? I doubt it but who knows I am not looking at MS CSS. I am going into my github, making it public. Then trying again. Then waiting. Then verifying my email is shown. Great it is hello everyone. COME ON MS. Send me an email. Do something.

I am trying to be patient, but after a few minutes, I revoke access. Must have been a glitch. Go through it again, with public email. Same ugly almost invisible message. Approaching a billable hour in which I made 0 progress. So, lets just see, NO EMAIL from MS, Yes it appears in my GitHub, but I have no way to log into MS. Email doesnt work. OAuth isn't picking it up I guess, I don't even care to think this through.

The whole point is, the error message was hard to discover, seems to be inaccurate, and I can't believe the IRONY or the STUPIDITY (me, me stupid. Me stupid thinking I could get working doing same dumb thing over and over like caveman and rock).

Longer rant made shorter, I cant come up with a single fucking way to get a free BING API Key. So forget it MS. Maybe you'll email me tomorrow. Maybe Github was pretending to be Gitlab for a few minutes.

Maybe I will send this image to my client and tell him "If we use Bing, get used to seeing hard to read error messages like this one". I mean that's why this is so frustrating anyhow - I thought the Google CSE worked FINE for us :/

#require "A rant from a few days ago in which some guy actually did this";;

Current fantasy: I wish the two assholes sitting at the table next to mine in the cafe and being super loud and obnoxious were discussing a business idea so that I could buy their domain name and put a large "eat a bag of dicks" type picture on it.

I'm fucking tired of putting my efforts into bug fixes.

5 years of web. I never had a client that likes to keep it's crappy slow piece of shit product on the market in the exact same way it is.

If they didn't sell it to state employees (and good luck for them if they do not use it) their product would be dead.

That's the only way they get money: bids. And the minimum a state pays is 15 MILLION.

And they don't have 90K to pay another dev to help creating a new product.

Their CEO fucking REJECTS anything that's not a bug fix. Once he said to our PM:

"It's pretty and more fast, but wasn't this way that made me rich"

I'm thinking I'm getting another client, seriously. Everyday the same thing breaks and they already know the fucking answer:

WE NEED TO FUCKING REFACT

CREATE A NEW FUCKING PROJECT

This shit is making crazy. I can't sleep. I can't eat and I'm always fucking tired, no matter what I do.

I need to stop working for Brazilians.
I'll try US, Canada or somewhere in Europe.

Best:

Leaving my work in the soul crushing dog eat dog world of transportation and logistics for higher education software for colleges and universities .
I work at a college and I fucking love it and love my team.

Worst:

The soulc crushing dog eat dog world of transportation and logistics where I worked as a backend developer and lead mobile developer. Not only did it made me hate and despise native android development, but it also made me despise the human race as a whole. Watching a motherfucker letting go of employees that he knew personally (as in bbq with their families and shit) because my software automated a large portion of their work(it was meant to make it easier for them for that i was originally told) was absolute and total bullshit and i still carry that fucking remorse with me. After that I vowed never to do that sort of bullshit work again....sort off. No one gets fired at this institition for it. Logistics sucks big monkey dick and the people there are the absolute fucking worst. Every single motherfucker i met was a fucking shark, all of them and they would not think about fucking people over if it saved them some money.

Yeah, that even tops the military and that was fuuuull of fuck fuck games and other similar fuckery.

Hm.

Was very frustrated from work.

Started cooking.

Simple gnocchis with tomato / paprika sauce.

Might have been a little distracted...

I've grabbed a regular sized spoon instead of a tea spoon.

I've handmade ungarian puszta.

I've added a full spoon of it to the sauce.

It's very spicy and hot.

I'll guess my guts are in hell mode for the next days.

But it's delicious.

Remember kids: always eat up what you cooked.

Even if it seems to kill you by burning your insides out.

• I listen to music
• I eat/drink something
• I go to the toilet and think about unrelated stuff (which might actually provide a solution)
• I go to sleep

I try the top one first, and if it doesn't work, the next one, and so on, until I am done with the last one.

During Summer I'm tired because it's too hot.

Now it's getting cold, it's getting harder to get out of bed...

And the heater makes me tired too...

Plus there's the not going out or, moving as much... Which may also be due to being tired.

And well in general, I seem to not feel like doing anything lately... Because I'm tired....

Seems like my routine is consolidating to: sleep, eat, work...

And if I had a choice it would just be sleep...

I need to get out of bed now so can eat and go work..... But I don't wanna.....

Is it just me? Any tips to break the cycle?

my covid is still not recovered. Today marks the two weeks. I got fever the first day and then fever was gone but body pain and weakness was there. In 2 days, body pain was gone too. Now I couldn't only eat well. So tried light food but after sometime it was harder to eat properly.
Now I'm having the same diet I used to have before covid, but I'm still not feeling well. I feel pain in my shoulders. My heart races almost all the time and that gives restlessness to my days and it's very hard to focus because of that. Family issues, work, excitement of switching companies, even small bit of sound makes me more restless. If someone has the same symptoms when did they last?

Fuck these SJWs, what kind of society respects and validates the opinion of irrational, psychologically mutilated humanoids. how long will people let them.

And I don't care if try to mute my freedom of speach, I will say what I wish, whether is sexist, racist, or offensive in general

But what happens when progress decays because of it?! Yesterday, this master/puppet situation, today Linus leaves Linux, what if tomorrow I am not allowed to eat chocolate because it's offensive for the people of Ivory coast who slave for it, what if tomorow I can't say that the sun is blue, because it'd be offensive to colorblind people? Until when is this society going to regress?

I hope live in a modern Babylon world which is to be teared down and burned to ashes, buried deep underground, down by fascist nationalist with no sense of moral freedom of speach and justice, because I feel like it would happen anyways.

In-person interview follow up from my phone interview last week. I hope I nail it. Stressing though. Gotta eat, drink water, and calm the hell down.

Dev hours for a 2 week sprint is eaten by countless meetings and the deadline will not move. During sprint planning all meetings should be stated there or there will be number of hours allowed for the meetings as it will eat development hours.

I hate meetings all of a sudden during development.

So, is there something called Chicken Snack Wrap in other McDonalds ?

It has chicken, bacon, and lettuce in tortilla.

Just got curious cuz thats the only thing i eat in McDonalds. Lol

Selenium++

Woke up at 6am today and couldn't go back to sleep...

So I my Watcher app to support Selenium and provide it to all the extensions (plugins) via the common Interface.

Now I don't need to check the Anime site manually when they release movies or blurays...

And have 1 hr to eat breakfast and get some coffee as I have a release at 9... And now I'm sleepy...

HP makes shit devices. How the fuck you gonna regress with product design from 7 years ago?

Like whos the fucktard that thinks “how about in order to swap a keyboard, we make the user take EVERYTHING out and then put it into a new upper housing?”

Or my favorite is “instead of screwing a screen panel in, lets use some painfully difficult to access stretch tape?”

Fuck HP’s product design team. If by some off chance any of yall know anyone who’s part of that team, tell them i said they can eat a fat dick and get aids.

I can't work
I can't sleep
I can't eat
I can't code
I can't go have fun
I can't have a conversation

Because I've got a new exciting idea "💡" buzzing all over my mind all the time.

It's been 9 days already and it's still exciting, probably even more. I think that means it might be worth going ahead and realising it.

There should be one day a year when random spam emails become true when you click on them.

It should be random for everyone so you never know what day it is and also happen instantly when you click on message.

World would be full of millionaires, guys with enormous penises. Everyone will eat food all the time cause you can lose all of your unnecessary weight with single click and whole internet will flood with spam emails.

Instead of scrolling trough news and social networks people would click on spam emails waiting for the day their spam will be fulfilled.

Economy would eventually collapse and most of us would be no different than monkey in some crazy experiment waiting for it’s banana.

It can be called fulfilled spam message paradox.

It would be funny alternative reality.

!rant

Met up with a good friend today we go off roaring all the time since we both own hooked up Jeep wranglers. Well we got together and after a fun day of crawling (no coding 😞) lol, We went to eat and I pulled up devRant and kind of mentioned how much I loved this little app and stuff and why it was about. Well turns out that I’ve been friends with this guy for sometime and we never talked profession. This guy is the Vice President to a large scale software development company here in my state!

I was dumbfounded ! Lol all this time this dude has been in the same field and I had no clue.

(I don’t get out much) 😅

Microsoft is asshoe.
They tried to force update a Windows 10 Home machine to Windows 11. Nobody clicked okay on anything. It had icon in task bar indicating it would install it on reboot. I had to go into the update settings to click "no for now". Fuck you microsoft. Eat shit and die. Just leave my shit alone.

Dropped Comcast cable & phone. I have to keep their internet. 11 days ago after cancelling the service on the phone I went to UPS store and shipped their equipment. A few days ago I get confirmation email that my equipment has been received by them. Today I get my bill and it is the whole bill despite my cancellation and despite the fact that I was without any service for 13 days. So I call them for a wtf session and they tell me my services show all up and nothing has been cancelled. I have to call the cancellation department again tomorrow because they are closed Sundays. I have had at least twenty calls with Comcast this month. At this point I am willing to pay twice the going eat for Google Fiber just to get rid of Comcast once and for all.

I'm the lead dev on this team. The project is split into multiple separate modules to comply with separation of concerns, and so new devs don't need the whole fucking codebase (risking them running away with everything) to contribute to the project as a whole.

So we don't need a fucking config file to enable and disable features.

So we don't need to upload a 500mb monolith every time we want to test a change.

So we can test old fucking versions of modules without merging it back into the entire codebase.

What did this fucking dev do? He was having one small issue with Maven. One. It wasn't updating his local snapshots to the correct Artifactory version.

He decided, instead of trying to fucking fix it: HEY, LETS IGNORE THE LEAD DEV'S DEMAND TO KEEP THEM SEPARATE. IM GOING TO MERGE THEM INTO ONE MODULE FOR SOME FUCKING REASON.

I refuse to continue working with this dev if he's going to sidestep my demands and undermine my authority. He wants to go it alone? Be my fucking guest. I'm not touching his shitty single-codebase monolithic monstrosity.

If this is going to be a regular fucking occurrence, he can eat a dick and choke on it.

Day 2 of devWholesome...

Have another great day! Have fun and do something productive! It is always a great feeling when you finish something that requires a lot of time and effort. Finish that project that you started but never finished, clean your room, or maybe just catch up on school work! Make sure you are also taking care of yourself with your hygiene and to eat all your meals and drink plenty of water. If you are feeling stressed today, take a break and relax! And again, make the most out of your day!

FUCKING SANGOMA WTF???????

You buy FreePBX and then convert great modules from OPEN SOURCE to Commercial.... I get it. Developers need to eat. But I've reviewed the new features and you aren't adding value. Just hiding precious standards behind a pay wall.

FUCK IT. I'LL CODE THIS SHIT MYSELF.

Man I am sick and tired of developers (I was about to put that in quotes, but it's mean), acting "cool" all the time. Like let me just put it out there, WTF is dAy iN tHE LiFE oF A sOftWaRe deVELoper.

Get the fuck out here. All you do is eat, walk, eat, chat, laugh and fuck around all day, with no work being done. And I'm supposed to respect you. Educate these young and fresh developers on what it is really like, rather than teasing them with the ideal life they think it is.

Why is learning a new language from python such a bitch? Like, w h a t t h e f u c k. Syntax can eat my ass with that semi colon no semi colon bullshit. Also fuck the compiler with it always having an error and shit. I was lowkey just trying to compile the shortest shit but cant get through s h i t. Fuck life I swear I'm gonna shoot my computer if I get another error.

Write an app or design a toilet that checks consistency of my poop and tells me what to eat
Suggestions are welcome on what to call it

New in my job
Start to work on a abandoned project for one of our client not very happy cause the lack of update
Go for a critical issue which exists since 2 months where everyone was telling me that they passed a huge time working on it with no answer
*check error*
*check code*
The code is so fucking much not DRY so I was able to see the same 4-5 incriminated lines elsewhere
*see that the request is lacking of one parameters just has the error suggests*
*copy paste the missing line*
*it works*

I’m now a hero for them but they become fucking peasants for me

(In addition, when code reviewing, some one had the nerve to tell me that “haha it was nothing much finally, it was easy”
To him : fuck you, eat my 💩)

Just came across a few rants blaming coursework, which doesn't have anything to do with programming. To them I wanna say two things:

1. Programming is modelled on everything other than programming. So it helps to know a bit about that 'everything'.

2. The famous author James Altucher has had 14 careers in 25 years. Not 14 jobs. 14 careers, including photography, authorship, entrepreneurship, finance planning, and more.

So stop bitching and eat your frog/broccoli.

The real problem it is that i can write lines of code and build algorithm in a fastest way in the late night.

Meanwhile in the afternoon I just wanna eat pizza and sleep on the sofa.

Happy Christmas to you, your Family and Friends!

Take rest, eat well, go to places you like, meet people who you like and who like you, travel to nearby places, learn a coding thing or two, listen to music or watch your favourite movie/TV show. Just do what you want to do. Have fun and make it memorable! :-)