My Friend: Dude our Linux Server is not working anymore!

Me: What? What did you do?

My friend: Nothing I swear!

Me: But you were last on it?

My friend: Yes. I just wanted to run a bash file and needed to give it permissions.

Me : WHAT DID YOU ENTER???!

My Friend: Chill man, just this command I found on the internet
chmod -R 600 /
chown -R root:root /

Me: WHY ARE YOU EVEN IN ROOT AND GOD DAMMIT WHY ARE YOU EVEN USING SOME RANDOM COMMAND FROM THE INTERNET. YOU KNOW YOU SHOULD NOT DO THIS OR JUST ASK!

My friend: Ok I did something wrong, how can I fix it?

Me: Did you make a backup or rsync of the server?

My friend: No. I just wanted to run this file.

Me: You holocausted the server. FUCK MY LIFE

This happened few hours ago.

Client: I received an email which says that I won 1 million dollars. They gave me a link in the email, when I entered my credit card details nothing happened.
Me: Wait what? You entered your credit card details.
Client: Yes
Me: That was a scam, you didn’t win anything. They stole your credit details. Contact your bank ASAP and let them know about this.
Client: You guys are handling our email servers, why can’t you guys keep it safe. What type of security do you guys provide.
Me: Wait what? We host your website application not email.
Client: Damn it. My son said the same thing, but I didn’t listen to him. Anyways Cheers.

My GF, an iOS QA, went for an interview with a large enterprise and was rejected.

Interviewer: Your current application is hybrid or native?

GF: Native, because it is written in swift using native iOS SDK.

Interviewer: Does it use internet?

GF: Yes.

Interviewer: It is a hybrid application if it uses internet. You know nothing about your projects. You are rejected.

GF: 😯

Today,
First day of new dev class...
Teacher, "As you know Tablets, Smartphones, Smartwatches etc... Are not allowed in class, except Laptops."
Me,
"Is a Surface allowed?"
Teacher,
"Is it a Laptop?"
Me,
"Yes, but also a Tablet.."
Teacher,
*Furious*
"NO TABLETS"
Me,
"Bu.."
Teacher
*Still furious*
"YOU ARE HERE TO LEARN HOW TO BE A GOOD RELIABLE DEV, SO LISTEN"
Me,
*Proceeds to Lift up surface from Keyboard*
Teacher,
*Rips surface out of hand and goes to secretary*
"You can have it after school"
Me,
*Sitting there speechless with nothing to develop with*
10 Minutes later
*rector comes in and gives me surface back*
Me,
Thank you
*Proceeds to use surface*
...

The Teacher hates me...

Got a phone call: I got an error, what do I do?
Me: what kind of error?
Her: I closed it.
Me: what did it say?
Her: I don't know, it was a window with "ok" and "cancel"
Me: why didn't you read it?
Her: I don't understand this computer language.

/me dies a little inside.
There is nothing quite as stupid as people who refuse to read their own language as soon as it appears on a screen.
They make those things for a reason.
This happens too often.

B: you are not even a real developer
Me: ??
B: you are using windows
Me:
Me: what the fucking fuck did you just fucking say you little fuck? Ill have you know i have written at least 4 lines of code, commented once and have a stackoverlfow reputation of -7. I have completed every beginner level udemy course on applied brainfuck mathematics and have worked as a distributed data analyst with excel 03. You are nothing to me, every piece of code i write runs on exactly 3 billion devices and i have an unsuccessful facebook meme page. Bitch.

If you think you know the most idiot person in the world, you haven't met my brother.

His brain absolutely can't comprehend anything!

He forgot his Roblox password and told me to do something. I said I can't do anything about it. Then he yelled at the top of his lungs saying, "you don't know technology! You're too stupid and selfish. Fix it!"

I said I can't do anything about it. He throws the mouse at me and says, "I never get to have fun. You ruin my life!"

He's not a little kid btw. He's fucking 14.

Today my mom forgot to pay the wifi password, and she thinks its better not to pay it today so it can stop my brother from playing games. (He plays it from morning to night. No homework, no cleaning, no nothing. Just games all day.)

So he told me to fix it. I said I cant. There's nothing I can do. Then he punches my arm really hard. (He's taller and stronger than me so it really hurt) then he threw a shoe and said, "you're useless and stupid! You have your laptop so you can have fun but I never get to have fun. You ruin my life, and I hate you. I hate my life."

Then he ran to mess up my room by tossing things from the self, removing clothes from my closet, and messed up my bed. He pushed my sister, pulled my hair, and ran to his room, slamming the door.

Please. Please someone give him a brain! He desperately needs one. I said I can't fix it, and that my mom has to pay the WiFi bill, but he thinks I'm being mean.

He has the mind of a 5 year old. Dropping to the ground crying.

Interviewer: Do you know about SQL injection?

Student: Yessss

Interviewer: Okay, how we can prevent it?

Student: Yes, we should prevent it as prevention is always better than cure. It can lead to data loss and other problems so it can be difficult to fix it if it happens. The best case is that nothing like that takes place. [...]

Interviewer: I get it but how?

Student: By not building any web applications.

[Silence]

Interviewer: Nice, you may go. Do not call us. We will call you.

Boss: Who knows VB?
Me: I once wrote a calculator
Boss: Good enough! You will edit the companies biggest VB Application.

Lesson learned. When your Boss asks if you know a programming language you do not really know, you are like John Snow: Know nothing

Friend : This is our logo for the site you are building for us.

Me: Wtf!! This is just a picture with text on it, do you have copyright of this picture?

Friend : who cares, we found it on google and we liked it.

Me: It may create trouble later

Friend: nothing...Just us it, we don’t have $150 for logo design

Me:🧐

After few weeks

Friend: Hey best, we have problem with logo, there is this guy who keep emailing us about copyright, any advice

Me: you know the solution the $150

Computer Science is probably the only major where if you suck at it and end up dropping out, you're more likely to be a leader than someone who is good at it and sticks with it.

There were roughly 200 people in my freshman class majoring in CS, by my sophomore year that number had dropped to about 120. A lot of people dropped out because it was too damn difficult for them, and they switched to less technical majors like "Business Information Technology" or "Management Information Systems." Almost without exception, the people who dropped out are now managing teams of developers, they actually have programmers reporting to them. Seriously, WTF?

This isn't even the worst of it, there are people who majored in art history who are now "product managers," who take the word "manager" in their job title literally, they think they're above developers. Some of them will even profess with no small amount of pride that they "know nothing about technology." You can hear the pride in their voice when they say it, as if they're saying "I'm a lot of things, but at least I'm not a geek." Is there any other field of study where people boast with such pride that they know nothing about it? I mean, very few people will say "I know nothing about history" or "I know nothing about literature", and if they do say it, they'll say it with a bit of humility. When it comes to Computer Science though, knowing nothing about it is almost a badge of honor.

Rant the f**k over.

I suddenly remembered this after being gone from my previous company for nearly a year.

So, I worked there as a tech supporter and Linux engineer.
What would often happen was clients calling with an issue regarding software of some sorts and about half the time, instead of LOOKING AT THE GODDAMN ERROR MESSAGE they'd just click it away fast and complain shit wasn't working.

I specifically remember this one case:

*big client mails complained that one of their clients' email isn't working. Screenshots weren't possible apparently so after emailing back and forth for way too long, we decide to do a screen sharing session (which we never do).*
(for the record, already emailing for hours, client very frustrated, me as well because the behavior of the software sounds impossible)

Me: alright, close everything, then open it again so I can see what happens.
Client: *opens mail client, error appears, client clicks error away faster than an arch user being able to mention they use arch*
Me: uhm.... I assume you already know what that message said and that it has nothing to do with the issue?
Client: it has nothing to do with the issue.
Me: okay... But have you at least looked the message?
Client: no but it has nothing to do with the issue.
Me: but, how'd you know if you won't look at it?
Client: it has nothing to do with the issue, okay?
Me: okay.... so, what's happening here?
Client: the user isn't receiving email anymore at this point!
Me: alright, have you checked the settings and everything?
Client: of course, all good
Me: okay but can we at least restart the software again to at least check the error message?
Client: FINE. *restarts client (pun intended, of course)*
Error message: username or password incorrect, can't connect to the server.
Client:..........
Client:............
Client:...............
Client:..................
Client:.....................
Client:..................
Client:...............
Client:............
Client:.........
Client: 😐
Client: 😶
Client: 😅
Client: 😬
Client:..... Right, I changed the password...
Client: *sets correct password*
*poof, error message gone*
Client:..... Thanks 💀
Me: you're welcome 😄

💀

So, I'm programming a control system for a prototype aerospace vehicle. You know, the stuff that needs to work to prevent falling out of the sky.

Anyway, test day was today (was -- not anymore). Wiring all the electronics, everything is actuating and works well. Except for one part, a little thruster for stability.

I spent hours - literally, fucking hours - trying to fix the problem. Wrong address? Wrong syntax? I had absolutely no clue what was wrong. Queue the hardware guy, $stupid:

$stupid: "How have you not got it working yet?!"

$me: "I don't know, everything I'm trying isn't working. I've spent hours digging through this code and nothing is fucking working."

$stupid: "Well have you set it up for the new thruster?"

$me: "What...What new thruster?"

$stupid: "Oh, the one we installed this morning, did noone tell you?"

WHY WOULDN'T YOU TELL ME THIS?! COMMUNICATION 101!

I have this one major pet peeve - getting interrupted on any messenger by "hey".

Q: Hey
A: Hey, what's up?

-minutes pass, I try to resume work-

Q: Do you have a second?
A: Sure, what's up?

-minutes pass, I try to resume work... Again-

Q: Do you know anything about #feature#?
A: Yeah, I wrote most of it, what do you need?

-minutes pass, I try to resume work... AGAIN-

(goes on same pattern, takes half an hour for a 10 second question/answer)

Like... Come on!!! Don't do this to me

I get it, I like to be cordial and friendly - but there is absolutely nothing stopping you from getting your message across without making me have to go back and forth (interrupting my work).

Me: *sends meeting request*

Attendee: *3 days later*, hi is there anything in particular you needed to discuss?

Me: ... nope, none what so ever. Decided to take 30 mins out of my busy day to talk to you, a person I don't know, for 30 mins. Definitely the title of the meeting request has nothing to do with it, I wouldn't bother reading that now, since you haven't yet anyway. Cheers!

Boss: "Why weren't you in the project meeting? You were supposed to present!"
Me: "I'm not on that project, Bob was before he quit."
Boss: "Yeah, but I assumed you'd take it over. We need you to be working on it."
Me: "What? I don't know anything about it, nothing."
Boss: "Yeah, but you guys went to lunch together, what else would you have talked about?"

Things I wish I could tell my 18 year old self.

1) Accept you will make mistakes.
2) Truly learn the language you are using.
3) Write idiomatic code for the language you are using.
4) Be upfront about not knowing something.
5) Don't let not knowing something stop you from learning it.
6) None of us knew X until we learned it.
7) Understand your strengths and weaknesses as a developer, play to them.
8) Be willing to try new things.
9) X language isn't ALWAYS the best choice, X paradigm isn't ALWAYS the best choice. Choose wisely.
10) You won't know everything, but you might know more than others.
11) Your ideas and ego don't matter more than ensuring the product works.
12) "Perfection is the enemy of the good [enough]" - Voltaire
13) "Perfection is not achieved when there's nothing more to add, but when there's nothing more to remove." - Einstein.
14) Conflicts happen, deal with it.
15) Develop a toolset and really learn them.
16) Try new tools, they may prove better than what you were using.
17) Don't manage your own memory unless you absolutely have to, you are probably not smarter than the collective intelligence of the team that built the various garbage collection methods.
18) People can be dicks, especially online.
19) If you are new and people are being dicks to you, did you skip past the irc message about etiquette? If you did, you're the dick in this situation.
20) It can be tough, but it is fun, so have fun!

Okay i'm done - YOU FUCKING ANDROID STUDIO MORONS. Being at a high level in C++, I tried to do some android coding. THERE ARE FUCKING NO GOOD TUTORIALS, NO GOOD DOCS, HECK, THE SELF GENERATED CODE OF THE IDE IS WRONG: WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON YOU FUCKING MORONS?
oh wait, let me first import android.widgets.rant;
or was it android.widgets.devrant.rant; or was it android.dr.rant.RantManager;?

Oh wait, I know lets search the docs?
OH WAIT THE DOCUMENTATION DOESNT HAVE THAT.
NOW HOW ABOUT I JUST TRY THE EXAMPLE CODE? WELL UH-UH! YOU HAVE TO FIND OUT YOURSELF WHAT TO IMPORT IN ORDER FOR IT TO WORK. ALSO, WHAT FUCKING UP WITH THAT PERMISSION SYSTEM? ITS SO BADLY DOCUMENTED!!!

Oh wait, I'm sure that I have to change something in this file... or was it that other file?

GOD
how dare they have style and design guidelines?
MORONS!

I will resort to implement my app idea in godot, idc anymore... I don't want to burn out because I used the "official high standard" tech.

it definitely isn't high standard and definitely not good. Thank you morons@google

THANK YOU FOR NOTHING

A FRAMEWORK WHERE I NEED 2 DAYS TO FIGURE OUT TO ADD EVENT LISTENERS TO MY THINGS IS DEFINITELY NOT ONE I'D LIKE TO USE.

also, whats up with

AudioRecord (int audioSource, int samplerateInHz, int channelConfig, int audioFormat, int bufferSizeInBytes);

ARE WE BACK IN THE C ERA? CAN'T YOU BE BOTHERED TO IMPLEMENT SOME SIMPLE FUCKING ENUMS????

WHATS THE POINT OF AN OOP LANGUAGE IF YOU ARE GOING TO USE IT LIKE C?

Oh wait I found a tutorial ... First trigger: "java scripts". Second trigger: this guy LITTERALLY ONLY TEACHES YOU HOW TO PLACE WIDGETS ON THE CANVAS. THANKS FOR NOTHING SHERLOCK!

Oh btw: did you know that android studio gives the best error messages?
"Error: illegal start of expression"
NO ERROR MESSAGE - NOTHING!
YOU BETTER USE THE IDE OR YOU GO HOME YOU FUCKER!!!

Oh and btw: if you want to read the best documentation - the code itself YOU GOTTA AGREE TO OR TERMS OF SERVICE!!!! WE DONT WANT ANYBODY TO BECOME SUCCESSFUL WITHOUT US KNOWING!!!!!

THANK YOU GOOGLE FOR NOTHING!
YOU FUCKERS!

thanks godot for *atleast* existing. You are the... last pick i'd pick, but :shrug:, I have experienced android studio now.

If anybody has any advice on what to use instead, please go ahead. And you better not tell me how good you are at android studio. I DONT CARE ABOUT WHAT YOU CAN IMPLEMENT IN ANDROID STUDIO. I JUST WANT SOMETHING THAT IS USABLE WITHOUT HAVING TO BE EXTRA CAREFUL WHEN DOING *ANYTHING*!!!!

fuckers.

"years of experience" basically means nothing, both for people and organisations. You can work with someone who has 30 years experience who knows nothing, and someone with 1-2 years who's practically an expert.

Joined a large multi-national fresh out of college, that had been around for +90 years. I expected them to know software development inside and out. Didn't expect to see so many failed projects for stupid reasons, so many over sights, so many .... morons, to be honest.

Worked for a startup company where most only had 1 or 2 years more experience than me and learned so much.

Worked for a small company where everyone had 1.5 - 2 times my experience, where I learned the meaning of "bewilderment".

Never feel small, or less valuable because of a number. Theres a good chance you are working with jackasses - practiseSafeHex

When people want to know what you're doing and you know they wouldn't understand so you're just like 'Nothing...'

Friend - Hey man, why so angry?

Me - Nothing on my fucking page is
styling correctly!

Friend - Lemme see your code...
You know you forgot the
semicolon on your first CSS
line right?

Me - ... OH FUUUCCCKKK

"There is nothing more permanent than a temporary hack" - so true quote from the You Don't Know JavaScript book series

I know a guy, about 50 years old. He is a self-taught programmer since he was young, and he has always used Visual Basic (never anything newer than VB6).

He once needed to interface with a web application I wrote, so I asked him to send me a POST HTTP request. He didn't know what I was talking about. No notion of REST, sockets, HTTP, nothing.

The he showed me his code. Actually, his codes. He had multiple copies of the project, one for each version, and he even kept multiple variations of the software in different separate folders. He probably doesn't know what "version control" even means.
You think this is messy. You didn't see the actual code (it's a huge application!).

Spaghetti all over the place. Meaningful variable names, what are they? Default names for the controls, like button1, button2, etc, with forms with more than 30 buttons and text fields. This was the most incomprensibile code I have ever seen.

You might think that this guy is just a hobbyist.
No.
He sells his applications. To companies. They are obviously full of errors, but they buy them.

Now, if you're still with me, two questions come into my mind:

- why?? I hate this, because it's impossible to prove to a non-technical person that this is *not* software development.
- how do I know that, to someone else, I am not like him? How can I be sure that I know and will know what needs to be known?

1. You don't code to add a feature or whatever. You do it to solve Users' problems. It's a User-centric system.
2. You read more code than you write. So help yourself and write code intended to be read.
3. If people don't know you did something, you did nothing!
4. Never answer a call at 3 am if you're not paid to be on night call-duty. You'll become the guy who answers at 3 am.
5. Remember the big difference between you and me is that I failed to do stuff more times than you have tried to do.
6. When you start shaving the yak, stop!

DO NOT USE JAVASCRIPT FOR PUBLIC WEBSITES IF YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO USE IT!!!

Almost every fucking day, I click a fucking button and NOTHING HAPPENS. I open the console and find tens of JavaScript errors, that *I* have to debug and fix in order to proceed.

FUR FUCK SAKE, JavaScript is not strictly needed, those fucking React and Vue are also not needed. Just now I wanted to download a form: IT'S A FUCKING PDF FILE, why the fuck are you putting your broken JavaScript function to let me download it!? PUT A FUCKING DOWNLOAD LINK YOU FUCKING MORON!

Nobody is forcing anybody to use JavaScript or those fucking fancy frameworks, SO WHY THE FUCK PEOPLE OVERCOMPLICATE THINGS THAT USED TO WORK SO WELL!

Wikipedia: I know everything!

Google: I have everything!

Facebook: I know everybody!

Internet: Without me you are nothing!

Electricity: Keep talking bitches!

Apparently, part of being a software engineer means knowing how to read minds and do other people's jobs.

While implementing a user story for marketing, we found some associated features that, according to the database, have not been used for years. We tell them this. We do the courtesy of asking, "Hey, is there anything on the site that is utilizing these features? We'd like to clean up the DB."

"We don't know."

Engineering suggests, "Ok, lets turn the feature off, then, and see if anyone complains. It's been years according to the DB."

Marketing gets angry and hostile and says, "That's not the way to do things!"

I don't vocalize, "Well, not knowing how to do your own damned job is not the way to do things."
-
Marketing asks us to integrate a third party feature to the site. We ask, "Ok, what page do you want it on, and what information do you want to collect, and what should it look like?"

"I don't know. You're engineering. You tell us."

We implement it as best we can.

Marketing says, "HEY! This isn't done right! It's missing this and this and this!"

"Did you ask us to implement that? According to the user story, it passes acceptance criteria."

Marketing says, "I thought you would just know that! I didn't know it was a separate thing. Just put it on all the pages, then. You guys really should know the site better."

Engineering gets angry and hostile
-
Marketing says, "We need this removed from the site."

Engineering replies, "We have a GUI for that. Just go to this URL and you can do it yourself."

Marketing replies, "Well, if that's a really complicated thing, can you just run a script against the DB?"

Engineering says, "If we've built a UI for you, we really shouldn't be executing SQL scripts directly against the DB."

Marketing gets angry and hostile.
-
Engineering tries asking nicely.

"Marketing, if you want us to add new stuff to the site, or change stuff, please tell us what it is and where it should go and what the customer experience should be like."

Marketing replies, "We don't know the site that well. We are leaning on you to tell us."

I do not vocalize, all while trying to keep my eyes from bulging out of my head, my face red with rage, "YOU ARE IN CHARGE OF SELLING SHIT ON A WEBSITE THAT YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT. YOU ARE ASKING FOR CHANGES TO SOMETHING YOU DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE?"

Engineering is angry and hostile.

Do you really expect that I can debug in a few minutes, a part of the software that I didn't build and have never seen before and have no knowledge of the external, third-party web service that code is reaching out to?

Dude, flippin' chill, take a walk, grab a drink, pop some popcorn and give me some time to figure out what the hell this code is doing so I can properly debug it!

You know what it turned out to be? Wrong test data used for the 3rd party service. So in essence... Nothing was wrong! Frickity frack!

Do you know what I love about Oracle data types?

Nothing.

"Kiki, I want you to, for the first time of your career at %company%, quit worrying about deadlines and just wander free. Forget about due projects, forget about everything, and just do your crazy experiments till the end of this month."

This was the one-to-one with our CEO today. Yes, I'm being paid to do whatever I want without time restrictions, as long as it is related to my field.

And you know what? At this stage of my life, I don't even want to exploit that, to weasel my way around definitions and justify doing nothing. I legit have three AI experiments to run, I have money to run them, I have time, and I for sure have motivation.

Good workplace is when doing nothing isn't the most desirable thing to do.

You know how some people put those little badges in their readme files in GitHub?

Well, one of my team members didn't know how to make those work correctly, so they just plastered images of them to make our repo look good. In actuality we have no coverage, no testing, no nothing...

You know scrum is working when the dev team are feeling that scrum isn't working because they have nothing to do because the product team can't keep up with the pace.

You know, sometimes I wish I had friends who knew how to code or new a bit about the programming world. Then I could show them my projects and they could help out of they wanted. I could also get them to properly criticize my designs and script. Instead of the ones that just scroll past your shit and say nothing at all, you know, people who would actually give a little bit of a shit. Sigh.

I bought a raspberry pi a while back, and I have no idea what to do with it. I know nothing about electrical engineering or Python (as I believe that's the language you use to program the pi). Any ideas?

You are a consultant and wrote some easy scripts by copying code snippets together?

Good for you!

It makes your job easier?

Good for you!

You didn't care too much about UI because you only needed the job to be done?

That's fine!

BUT DON'T YOU DARE SELL THIS SHIT TO A CUSTOMER AND CALL YOURSELF A SOFTWARE DEVELOPER!

YOU ARE NO DEVELOPER!
YOU DON'T KNOW NOTHING ABOUT HOW TO BUILD A RELIABLE SOFTWARE.

no one needs a solid database structure?
Object oriented programming is "just another hype"?
No one cares for the coding?

FUCK YOU, AND YOUR ATTITUDE!

when you wake up saturday noon just to see your phone having 10 missed calls from the same unrecognized number, dial back and find it to be a mad client,
complaining about some graphic issues on a site you have nothing to do with.

checking the site; there is nothing wrong so you tell him to clear his browser cache.

he gets mad shouting a silly programmer shall not tell him what to do with his computer and its the site, not his browser.

i ask him if there is the same issue with another browser or computer..
he giggles a little then turn silent..

2mins or so later, he says: i'm gonna let your boss know about this then hangs up..

How tf does these even make sense?! That's a fucking sledgehammer and large metal chisel on fucking steroids. If your parents don't know what the fuck those are and realize they have nothing to do with fixing a relatively flimsy box (in comparison) they probably need more than their WiFi fixed, but since they managed to fucking raise you, I doubt they're that dumb. I get that parents might not always understand technology, but shit, at least respect the fact that they survived without the Internet, which you probably couldn't do...

I'm in that weird spot where the more I study programming, the more I realize I know next to nothing. I get pretty demotivated at times because it can be so overwhelming to study for hours, finally understand a topic... only to find out the next thing is even worse and there's literally thousands of things to learn, from languages themselves, to rules, best practices, paradigms and so on and so forth.

How do you guys deal with this? Do you even have the same problem?

At the company I worked for earlier, they'd blocked two USB ports citing security policies. The third USB, was unblocked because the system admin didn't know a laptop can have more than 2 USBs .
Gigabit LAN was open.
They just wanted you to copy stuff at higher speed, I think.
If you think blocking a couple of USB ports is going to stop a dev from copying data, well either you're unbearably stupid, or think too less of your devs. It is just gonna hinder their productivity, nothing else.

With the new Dutch mass surveillance law comming soon, I am interested to know what you are doing with it?

Nothing?
VPN?
Something else?
¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I don't live in the Netherlands?

Apple flips the bird to devs again...

So I go to release a new version of my app (critical updates and bug fixes from mgmt) and I had just updated my phone. Yeah, that was a fucking mistake.

“This version of Xcode is not compatible with the new version of iOS.”

Ok... update Xcode...

“The new version of Xcode is not compatible with your version of OSX”

WTF?! This version isn’t that old? Fine... update OSX. 5 hours later...

“Hey, just wanted to let you know that we decided to break every one of your web development tool setting and basically nothing works on your computer now, oh yeah, and we’re Apple so FUCK YOU.”

After working for 5 years after getting my bachelor's, I have moved country and started work on a Master's.

Nothing is more humbling in CompSci than realising the depth of what you /don't/ know. Imposter syndrome, anybody?

Okay so here are a few lessons that I have learned from being an intern to a junior developer (who’s just 2 years out of college).
- every ninja engineer starts off as a noob. There’s nothing to be ashamed of if you don’t know “everything” about coding
- Respect everyone’s opinion (including the one that shouts your design is crap in a meeting). Don’t process them too much.
- leave things that happen at work, in the workplace
- Keep yourself up to date even after you’ve bagged the 100,000$ offer. Never.stop.learning.
- Be polite to your interns (been there). They look up to you and treat their juniors the way you treat them.
- Be honest. Including your tiny scrum updates. If you need more time, tell it. If you’ve screwed up something , own it up.
- Never blame or point fingers.
- Nothing is irreversible.(except things like sudo rm -rf/)
- There’s always a way out(of any mess).
- Respect what came before.
- Respect what comes after (before you push badly written code)
- It’s ok to point out mistakes but Be kind. (Else you’ll end up in someone else’s rant ;-) )

!rant
Storytime!

I'm on the phone with an elderly customer.

Customer: Yes, I just got my computer back and now it's not talking to my monitor.

Me: Okay, and the monitor cable is plugged in?

Customer: Yes.

Me: Okay, I think I remember that you had a graphics card. Do you have a horizontal blue port?

Customer: No.

Me: Okay. So let's look near the middle of your computer. Do you see a blue port?

Customer: I don't know. I know the blue monitor cable is plugged in, but I don't know what color it is.

Me: Alright, let's unplug the cable for a second.

Customer: Okay, done.

Me: Now let's look for those two blue ports...

Customer: I only see one.

Me: And it's near the middle of the computer?

Customer: Yes.

Me: Okay, let's plug the monitor in.

Customer: Okay, done.

Me: Now does the monitor come up with anything?

Customer: Let me get to where I can see it... No, there's nothing.

Me: Even if you wiggle the mouse a little?

Customer: What?

Me: Does the computer talk to the monitor if you move the mouse a little?

Customer: How do I do that?

Me: ...You take the mouse... and move it from side to side

Customer: Oh! I understand. Um, no. Nothing.

Me: Okay, well let's bring the computer in. I think I know what the problem is, I just need to put a piece of tape somewhere.

Customer: Oh, okay. Fine.

I fucking hate the web guy.
He says - make a pop-up of the raw text you're receiving (in the app) so that I can test it easily while I fix it.
I did it.
Now he laughs and says - I think you searched for it and simply copied from wrong example. All you had to do was handle the text and parse it and display it blablabla instead of simply popping up the raw text.
Thank you I flipping KNOW all of that, you stuck up obnoxious frog. I did it that way initially and uploaded it coz you SAID so! Why do you ALWAYS have to talk like I know nothing!?

Xpost from /r/sysadmin:
I occasionally see posts from people who seem like they want to spend every waking hour of every waking minute working on home lab stuff and studying for certs.

If you do this, you're missing out on life which you will regret later, but even if you don't care about missing out on life, it actually is hurting your career.

Being well rounded helps you interact with others at work in a number of ways. It makes you less one dimensional as "the computers guy" and it also gives you topics to discuss with people. If you know how to cook, or brew beer, or bake bread you end up using a lot of your technical and troubleshooting skills. Biking long distancing and learning how to fix your bike helps with your troubleshooting skills too. You learn to look at things from other angles.

Reading novels or writing poetry or making art work also helps because it exercises your brain. Woodworking or metal working involve a lot of skills that'd help your IT career including project planning and measuring and budgeting for each project. Working on cars or motorcycles would be similar. You just have to do SOMETHING.

I have a member of my team who literally has nothing going on in his life other than studying for certs. No friends, no hobbies, and he basically eats nothing but McDonalds and frozen dinners because even making a meal takes time away from his studying. He thinks means he's dedicated and will experience great career success.

But instead he has nothing to talk to anyone about, and when I say nothing, I mean literally nothing. It's borderline terrifying. Even if he was into comic books and video games it might help, which might help him relate to SOME of the IT staff even if the rest of the people at the company know nothing about it. But he doesn't even have that.

This isn't a solitary field anymore. Even if you truly are "the best" you still have to interact with other people and stay mentally stable enough to not burn out. Even if you know more than everyone else (or think you do) you have to try to broaden your horizons.

Here is the problem.

We all make mistakes. It's part of our lives and we learn a lot from it.

But you motherfucker, acting like an all-knowing being amongst all the developers. You think no one knows better than you. You learned something 2 years ago and you think nothing has been updated after that.

You make a mistake, you accept it and learn from it. But if you think you know everything, stop asking me to review your code. Fuck you, cocksucker.

You know when somebody complains about a bug in your software at a meeting to everybody, you go to their office, find out that the bug is actually an user problem, and then on the next meeting, when asked about the bug the person reports "we fixed it" and you correct them, explaining in detail how there was nothing to fix because the problem was completely user driven?
I love these moments

Listening to professor tell stories about when he used to develop, is like listening old war stories.

Back when I was in university, this teacher would tell us different stories about his days as a developer. This was one of the last ones, and I think it has not changed much since then.

*Phone rings*
Professor: Hello?

Client: I don't know what the fuck you take me for!

Professor: Oh, hello Client_Name. What seems to be the problem.

Client: This doesn't work! There's nothing here!

Professor: Ok, do you see the program file?

Client: No. I just said that there's nothing here.

They proceed to go over the issue and how to get the program to run. Or at least show up on the PC. This goes on for about 30 minutes.

Suddenly my professor has a thought.

Professor: Have you tried inserting the Floppy disk from the other side? Try flipping it.

Client: ...

You know you've grown up when you realise teamwork is nothing but dealing with people's attitude.

Fortunately I'm working with a lovely team

* Calls themselves "Software Engineer"
* Doesn't know what a thread is.

I swear these coding boot camps are churning out code monkeys whose real skill is building shitty React apps.

I believe a CS degree is necessary if you want to work on something more than CRUD applications.

Nothing against devs without degrees, but at least make an effort because my head will explode next time I have to explain to someone what a thread is and why it's a very bad idea to run blocking code on the main thread.

I fucking hate all these JavaScript frameworks. You try to learn one and then there is another one that's rising up. While you wonder why a framework exists and what's the best use case there is a fresh off college grad who built a fucking app on it. How the fuck is it even possible? Did you study the framework? Did you understand how it works? Or did you just put together a bunch of tutorials and built the app. I feel people just want to churn apps out without bothering about understanding the framework. Ask them about design patterns... They know nothing about it. Ask them vanilla JavaScript questions.... They fumble easily. Ask them OOPs..... They look dumbfounded. WTF!!!

Or maybe I am just getting old. It's possible.

So, you ask me for a quote. You know nothing about the technology or the problem, but you think the quote is too high.

On what fucking basis are you assessing the quote? On the number of words? Font? Whether your spouse/cat hates you (both do). Basically, whatever I said, you'd have said it was too high, right?

Fuckwit.

Next time *you* tell *me* how much you have to spend and I'll tell you what you can get for your budget.

Maybe a coffee and a small cake.

Don't fucking call me again.

*me teaching someone to code*

Me: So what do you think will happen when we run this?
Student: ummm... I don...🤔
Random: I KNOW! It does xyz 😄
Student: agh yea, it does xyz 😅
Me: (ffs) 😐

Nothing gets learned in the end 😮

Not a rant, just a tought:

I was thinking, how amazing is to work at software industry, I mean, is there any other field of work where you can start without knowing little to nothing of the thing you are going to work with?
Got hired to work with a friend of mine in his uncle's company, started as a technician, providing support to clients, after that, started coding little windows applications using c#, even tought, I didn't know shit about it, time passed and we needed a mobile application, then when I realized I was already coding for Android in Java even though I didn't know nothing about it too.

It's just, you can do whatever you want if you will... It's amazing! I love doing what I do.

Why do most Java programmers know Java and nothing else? Wtf, every time find myself reviewing crappy Bash/Python/JavaScript/Ruby shit written by Java-only programmers I want to puke. Don't you know that the world is bigger than your small island?

Dev slang

Me: Hey “Schatz” (german equivalent to “treasure”, “sweety”)
Schatz: Yes?
M: What R U doing?
S: Working on my page
M: Oh C (C for “Sí”, what is “Yes” in spanish)
S: && U?
M: null (nothing)

* several Simpsons memes later *

S: Schatzy (female schatz, me), (Want to go to Amy Winehouse tributte) == true
M: !C
S: Why?
M: Cuz I !like it
S: oh, && you.want2Go2TheCinema == true
M: !false
S: True ^_^
M: When?
S: I !know, Tomorrow at !morning?
M: !not cool
S: !hate you
M: Me !neither

Note: Schatz it’s also a dev (Php dev)

What do you think? Should we all promote a “developer slang”? Which phrases would you like to add?

This might actually be my first real rant.

Whatever fucking cockgoblin decided that making dynamics GP so fucking confusing needs to suck a big bag of dicks. I'm so fucking tired of having to google every damned table name and column name because nothing makes any motherfucking sense.

Am I supposed to instinctively know what PM20201 does? What data it holds? I don't mind reading documentation. But it's hard to even know where to start when the shitbird API and database are more complicated than calculating orbital fucking decay.

I am done. Fuck you gp. Fuck you and your nonsense. I guess our sales people don't get to know when an invoice was paid.

Oh, I'm sorry if I have spoken during this meeting. I didn't realise I was invited just so I would be told "we're not going into that much detail at this stage of the project". I was just trying to point out that when you mock up any UI, you should take into account the fact that information is hierarchical: more important stuff before less important stuff, you know. Maybe you don't want to swamp the user with buttons all the time. When everything is important, nothing is. But that's just detail. And then the boss says we should create two more incongruent screens and all of the sudden that's a brilliant idea! So then again, sorry. I know exactly where my place is now. You pretend you know what you're doing and I fix it for you.

For the love of god, I spent 2,5 hours debugging why Minecraft from the windows store doesn't work...

The game just shows a red message telling you it didn't work.

I checked the logs, nothing just warnings

I re-installed the game, nothing, same error

Updated java and all parts of the store, nothing....

Obviously I had to install Something called the "xbox identity Provider"... You know... On a PC... For a distinctly PC game to work... Installed by the store... And the provider is also on the store... But it doesn't auto-install with the game

Ever since you migrated to the Microsoft Auth the login experience is awful (I ranted about that already)

How about you do the bare fucking Minimum of an User experience and Install the fucking dependencies when I re-installed something your fucking store??!!!

The fucking bare minimum that every package manager ever created fucking has as a basic requirement?! Are you kidding me?

Rename your fucking services so they make sense and please don't waste everyone's time by having both shitty logs and no dep management for your own apps... Fucks sake

brain: ABSTRACTION ABSTRACTION ABSTRACTION too much ABSTRACTION!

me: jeez calm down a lil i just deployed a boilerplate ember web app with cli tools with next to nothing amount of 'my' code.

b: YES U SUCKER THAT'S WHAT WENT WRONG U DON'T KNOW SHIT ABOUT THE LIL STUFF THAT HAPPENS BEHIND THE SCENES THE FUCK MAN U CALL YOURSELF A CS STUDENT YOU CAN'T EVEN WRITE A COMPILER YET

m: sooo remember when we were studying logic gates and binary conversions and you sigkilled all my threads cuz it was 'boring'?

b: why yes why do you ask

m: WELL that's where we'll end up again if you don't stop nagging me about going down. Trust me, I KNOW how to starve you and you'll beg me to use Python again. You start making advanced data structures in C and the next thing you know you're writing assembly code 'just for fun'.
I have a hackathon coming right up and I have to use a framework or my team loses the advantage. Are we good?

b: well if you put it that way...BUT AFTER THAT YOU'RE TAKING ME TO AN ALGORITHM SESSION

m: *eerily stares at the dusty book in the corner*
you... have a deal

Since my first high salary dev job in 2018 and until 2021, despite all my attempts to explain, my mom thought that I’m not actually a programmer but rather a scammer that just makes companies pay me salary for nothing. The argument that being a legit programmer is way easier than being a scammer mastermind fell on deaf ears.

Do you know why I said she thought so until 2021? Because I stopped talking to her in 2021 when she said that “being bisexual is a sin” and “I want to stop treating my cancer to die as soon as possible just to not see you anymore” after my coming out.

Got asked into a meeting to give my opinions on the security about software that might be used to implement a web app.

After 20 minutes of listening to bullshit that wasn't even my concern they got into databases and I was constantly talked down, by people who know shit about tech, about the professional use of PostgreSQL and they only did shut the fuck up when I compared their "important business" to Facebook using MySQL.

Come on... Stop talking down about shit you know nothing about.

People on dating apps say they are very pissed off and frustrated when they’re ghosted.
As a developer you get eager calls from recruiters talking for hours. They say I’ll catch up with you first thing in the morning. An HR manager says I’ll get back to you in 14 hours (in 14 hours?? very precise). Even you get a contract offer from a manager who is rapidly contacts and convinces you.
Than you hear nothing, you are left on read.
“Professionals” communicate in that way. They are also getting paid whilst taking your time. What can you say to random people behind nicknames?
I don’t know what I would feel if they get back and I’m zombied. I really feel like unmatching meh.

Nothing like waking up to a text from a good friend, "do you know how to make phone apps?"

What is it with over qualified, over certified consultants that go around spouting "best practises", and then come delivery time, have the most absurd bullshit that a junior with 3 weeks of knowledge in a particular subject would know what you just served up is nothing more then a pile of shit that will not be deployed even if your livelihood depended on it.

... Monday gonna be fun!

Recently met this girl and she told me that she had gone on a date with another Software Engineer recently.
I asked her why it didn't work out..
She told that he started every single sentence with "I am going to assume that you know nothing about this" and went on to explain the most boring shit while assuming that she was a dumbass.
To the poor Software Engineer, you missed out on a great gal.

At work, an idiot who has never worked on machine learning before and understands nothing about it: "You know what, machine learning isn't actually hard. It is just basic statistics and then you download the model online and that's it! There's nothing else you are doing!"

STFU, you moron! Do you think just any model can work for your use case? Do you fucking think it is easy to come up with new architecture for a very specific use case and test it accurately? Do you think it's easy to effectively train a model and do hyper-parameter optimization?Do you fucking think it is easy to retrieve the right data for your use case? Do you think it's easy to keep up with research papers on arXiv being released daily? Do you think this is fucking javascript and there's a framework for everything? Stfu!
Honestly, i hate ignorant morons who generalize stuff they don't clearly understand.

I don't know what non-German people do without ubuntuusers.de.
Without this wiki, I probably would know nothing about Linux today. I would have never been introduced to it as a child, would never been able to learn that much, play around with desktop Ubuntu, Raspberry Pis, administrate own servers...
So, thank you, ubuntuusers.de, for helping little Benedikt with Ubuntu in his mother tongue, and making me the Linux enthusiast I am today!

Not learning data structures and algorithms. Not learning programming languages. Actually not learning anything to answer during a job interview.

I am more of a learn-while-you-do kind of guy. I never learn anything, instead just do it. Interviewers think I am useless because I know nothing. But I can get a job done, any kind of job done. I have no learning period, I can start working from first day in a all new language, in a all new IDE, in a all new OS.

I know nothing, and I learn nothing. I am a problem solver. You got a problem, I can solve it.

I’m tired of all these profane “frontend developers” who do nothing but get cheap internet points by shitting on web technologies.

Bitch, NPM is just a package manager. That’s what it is. Anyone who ever used a package manager already knows how to use NPM.

Here on devrant, there at your workplace, people hear nothing but bitching when you open your mouth. You always need a “solid task description” and “best practices”. You always need somebody else to do your job for you. Frontend is the area where you have to constantly switch between heavy, performance-oriented coding, UX and graphic design while remaining in a dynamic environment that is called “web”, no wonder why you can’t do that. Instead of bitching, you could just present your own solution you designed with just a little bit of product-oriented thinking. But noooo, you fucking bother designers whenever you’re not sure about “how many pixels is that padding”.

You can only be barely productive (and only with a frozen spec) but can never take the lead just once.

In the 80s your kind of approaches were doubted, by the 90s they were dead. In 2020s they’re straight up laughable.

And don’t get me started on CSS. You have to be an absolute buffoon of a developer to not know how to use a DECLARATIVE tool that don’t even require real structural thinking.

No wonder why you praise php. You throw shit all over the place and tell everybody that you’re a “sociopath” and you don’t need that “stupid frontend” and “stupid users”. But you know what? Any real backend or embedded dev would’ve laughed at your face.

Because backend developers are respected.

You’re not.

Will people who know nothing about IT stop pretending they know better than you

When your Tesla’s battery fails, because they cut costs, you are hit with a high-pressure, thick stream of chemical hellfire spanning your entire car’s interior space. It will burn you to a crisp in 30 seconds. Because of all those “aUtOmAtIoNs”, door-opening mechanism will also fail. There is no way you’ll get out.

After 30 seconds, there will be no one left to rescue. After two minutes, there will be nothing left to bury.

There is no way a fire squad could extinguish this. That’s a battery fire. If you remember your chem class, you know lithium burns violently underwater.

You’re gonna die. Elon won’t be responsible, as usual. No one will face any consequences.

But damn, what’s an epic bacon hyperloop tech way to go out, isn't it.

!devRant

I absolutely hate it when someone says that I know nothing about music because I don't hear some particular type of music.

I hear what is pleasing to my ears. I hear what I enjoy. You can go F yourself.

😸:oh hi, i came in early to checkout this game, but i was just about to get off and start work.
😎:I'm not your boss. I don't caire what you do.
👺:I am your boss, and as long as you get the work done, on time, and done well, I don't care if it looks lie you are doing nothing but being paid to play games. If anyone does bother you about playing games at work let me and I will let them know to leave you alone.

What do we have to give you to make you able to accurately predict the scope and length of time it will take you to develop something you know nothing about and have no experience with? How hard could it possibly be? You click a button and BOOM! A unicorn! Please provide estimate in hrs EOD.

This rant has been one that I've been wanting to rant about for a while now. Me being drunk as fuck right now (mind, stay awake!) doesn't really help, but meh.
At least Wanblows was able to install its "features" properly... Except it wasn't, being the featureful ShitOS it is.

I want to rant about privacy. Not about "nothing to hide, nothing to fear". That's been ranted about plenty by the MIcroshaft-loving folks as well as the privacy-aware opposition. Rather, I'd like to rant about the privacy-concious.

I am a privacy-concious-person, with his current status quo being that he doesn't yet know a privacy-concious solution to every data-intrusive "common solution" out there. So I tend to value privacy next to De Lijn while sharing location data to Google with Google Maps. Point is, I do not know privacy-concious solutions to everything out there yet. So I use the convenient over the privacy-aware.
(after review while drunk I was unable to make sense of this)

In the privacy-aware circles I tend to see that it seems to be black and white. You share your data with Google, yet you oppose data collection by local institutes? WRONG!!! YOU MUST BE A TINFOIL HAT!!!
No, seriously I don't want to share my data with Google. Just that they're the only realtime navigation platform with decent UI out there that I know of right now.

Privacy isn't all black and white here. I block any intrusion that I'm able to, anything else I abide to, while awaiting a good alternative that does respect my privacy which I would gladly use instead. That does not imply that "I have nothing to hide". I do, and I have a lot to hide.

So that makes up the black and white nature of privacy, which is a fallacy. Another one is the whole idea of "I have nothing to hide" to begin with.

If you have nothing to hide, would you be comfortable with sharing your location data (IP address, habits, common trends, etc) with me? To share your information with me, to have your contacts share your info with me, without your consent? Of course you wouldn't. But that's what's happening right now.

So, I'm investigating this flipping problem at work involving mbeans. Other than the fact that it's a fun fucking word to say, idk a damn thing about it, and the people who are having problems with them/it are looking at me like I'm a fucking pregnant triceratops... HOW THE HELL am I supposed to fix your shit if you aren't going to tell me why you need mbeans, what you do to cause the error, and what you do to make it go away. YOU'RE GIVING ME LESS THAN NOTHING... on a temperature scale, we're in negative Kelvin...

Also, anyone know what in the world an mbean in? Because right now, these overpaid idiots are making me think it's not a thing and just another way of saying "coffee"

Oh look, you aren't doing shit. You have 2 weeks worth of testing to complete and you are checking out stories on the Yahoo front page.

Useless. Completely incompetent. Idiot. Imbecile. Moron. Stupid. How dense? Let me count the ways...

Do you know anything?! You use big words to sound important and look like you know your shit. In reality, you have no clue!

How you have managed to capture this job is baffling to me. It shows there is much work to be done to filter out toxic, incompetent people like you. Otherwise, the industry will be plagued with a terrible fear of sub-par employees.

Your lack of common decency for the office space is appalling. Your attitude and "can do no wrong" personality is disgusting. And the cherry on top? It is impossible for you to admit mistakes and take ownership for your actions. You can be inexperienced, stressed out, or even make a mistake once in a while. Yet, the moment you DO fuck up and act like nothing was your fault, that most of it was MY fault, or the TEST environment's fault, or the other team's fault, a lack of resources, a lack of time, ANYTHING but your own damn incompetence, you are dead to me.

You are, by far, the worst co-worker I have ever had.

You know what really grinds my gears? When new employees start shouting out suggestions of what feature we should do.. and how stupid this/that thing now.. or how slow that page is.. or how there's a bug somewhere.

WHAT WOULD'VE WE DONE WITHOUT YOUR OPINION?! thank you so much!!!

+10 points if their job has nothing to do with product or development

SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP
please!!!

Client: A thing I know abso-fucking-lute-ly nothing about shouldn't take you long to implement.

Everytime I hear the word 'coding' or 'code' in regard to programming, I get a twitch of annoyance in my brain. Seriously, that word is so overused that it's now cliche to me. And it does nothing to distinguish the kind of language someone is using. Is a software engineer solving an advanced problem using C or is it some newby who only knows HTML? Please stop saying thing like, 'i know how to code' when all you know it's HTML. Be specific, you're not fooling anyone. Also, please, don't use that phrase if you're an advanced software engineer either. You're better than that.

I have that friend who keeps telling me that he doesn't like java just because it's slow! (I hate this excuse).

Friend: look what java did to Android, it's because of java that iOS is faster tham Android.

Me: whaaat!! do you know that Android OS have nothing to do with java? it's C++ you...

Friend: No it's Java, we develop Android apps with java

Me: 🔫

you know whats tough?

doing nothing.

I fucking hate people that talk bad about things they know nothing about.

The best thing that I have learned is to always keep my mind open.

From "Linux sucks because there is no software" to "MacBooks are just for rich morons" to "All Microsoft tech is shit" to "CS degrees are just a bunch of useless math" to "Bing sucks".

Fuck, what do you know?? You never spent 5 minutes to try them or get informed about them. You have your shitty ideas and will keep having them because you don't care about the truth... You only care about your comfort zone.

Yes, Bing sucks. I tried it. Google shows me better results.
iPhone might suck. I don't know. Never had the opportunity to try one for long enough.

Whenever you're throwing shit at something, stop and ask yourself: do I know the whole story?

Applying for jobs

Apply for anything that looks like I have any kind of shot

Get reply from one company

"Hi. What is your salary expectation?"

"x"

Nothing for 6 days

Reach out again "Hi. I'm guessing you've gone with someone else as I've heard nothing back"

"No your salary expectation was a bit high"

"Okay well, what are you offering"

"47% of X as this is a junior position"

Like...
Firstly, X is what I was making at my last job
Secondly, you can see how much experience I have. You know I'm gonna be asking for 2-3 year money not intern money.
Thirdly, all they had to do after my first email was reply with "That's bit much, here's what we can offer, are you still interested?"

So yea, in general, I hate the salary expectation question. I don't want to sell myself short but I'm also currently in the take what I get position. So if you ask me, I'm gonna tell you what I was last making. I think that was a reasonable number and I know everyone has been hit by the pandemic so I'm not asking for more.

Just advertise jobs with a damn salary range.

You know which jobs do have a salary range? The senior positions. You know who does know how to negotiate? Seniors

Not just Stack Overflow, but all help forums:

If someone asks a question, and you think you might know the answer based on its subject or context, please spare a thought for others and instead of dragging the post on for pages and pages without an answer in order to show the poster up for being inadequately articulate, please make the first post a link to at least seemingly relevant reference material.

Nothing more frustrating looking for some undocumented api syntax, finding a similar question that you might be able to gleam from, and then only seeing pages of "aaah, but what OS are you on? What colour is your desktop? What is the average velocity of a..."

You can see they are struggling with an api, and you clearly know where to find the answer, so just quit the cocksure jostling of pretending you're any good at support and just be useful. The poster may be a tool, but the thousands of hits from Google will just think you're a twat.

I know we have a lot of talented people here. Piece of advice, what ever you build, believe in it. See it through. No matter how good of an idea incompleteness won't get you anywhere.
After all every other day we all analyze different successful products and say "huh... that's nothing. Even we can do that".
Well thats the difference "We" can do that, they DID it.

See your ideas through. Stay motivated =)

My boss knows nothing about development. JUST buzzwords.

*in regards to a project* Boss: "just write it in PHP; it'll be easy!"

Me: "you know PHP?"

Boss (fully serious): "...enough to be dangerous."

He has never written a line of code in his life, let alone has any clue about what PHP does. Whenever I want to fuel my rage, I think about this moment.

Fucking Square Enix Website is just a huge pile of shit. NOTHING WORKS!

Wanna change your password? Nah sorry an error occured.

Wanna change your username? Nah sorry I'll just show you a loading symbol forever.

Wanna add a game to your collection? Nah sorry the "add" button is on fucking holiday and doesn't do anything.

Wanna change your avatar? Nah sorry I'll just redirect you and don't do anything.

Most amazing part is where you log in, then get redirected to the home page but it still shows the "Log in" button. Then you click on that "Log In" button and wosh! Home page reloads and tada! You're logged in!

Seriously who let this code into production? Also I know that you're using GraphQL now, due to an error message. Thank you!

Fucking bullshit...

Really?

Far far away in a small startup, one developer was brave enough to try to fix the beautiful iOS application (hmm, nothing fancy just a broken, patched and served behind a wrapper).
To do so our hero needs, of course, a testing iOS device.
So the guy went searching for the testing device and asked around, then he returned to his desk shocked when I asked him what happened the guy told me literally:
- "Can you believe it? The boss gave the testing device to his fiancée"

and now guys you know why bugs in startup application take a while to fix :/

I am a person who never lies. And when I see/hear others lie, be it for the benefit of mine or not, it gets my blood boiling. I disrespect liers with passion.

And I particularly hate magic fixes at work. You know the ones, when smth is not working for a few weeks, you involve 3 other teams responsible for their tiers, and then one day suddenly everything starts working. When you ask all the 3 tiers what has been done - everyone says "nothing".

If you do this bullshit to me, just know that everytime I remember you, before remembering your name/face/role I very vividly visualize pissing on your toothbrush right before you wake up.

Or did I do that for real..? Idk, it's too vivid to distinguish

Personal pet peeve.

I'm not a germophobe. But if your hands spend most of their time down your pants, or you've been eating food with them, or they're just generally disgusting, please wash before thinking of using my computer.

There is nothing I hate more than finding crusty fingerprints on my keyboard and mouse.

And if you're using my computer I likely know where you live. 🔪🔪

"Why are some features done very fast, and some very slowly?"
Well you see, I'm nothing more than a punny human. As such, there's a ton of stuff that I don't know. Even worse, human beings have this defect of rarely being 100% efficient, so my performance may vary a bit.
It may be hard to understand for a manager, as lizard people are quite a different species.

Lessons I've learnt so far on programming

-- Your best written code today can be your worst tomorrow (Focus more on optimisation than style).
-- Having zero knowledge of a language then watching video tutorials is like purchasing an arsenal before knowing what a gun is (Read the docs instead).
-- It's works on my machine! Yes, because you built on Lenovo G-force but never considered the testers running on Intel Pentium 0.001 (Always consider low end devices).
-- "Programming" is you telling a story and without adding "comments" you just wrote a whole novel having no punctuation marks (Always add comments, you will thank yourself later for it I promise).
-- In programming there is nothing like "done"! You only have "in progress" or "abandoned" (Deploy progressively).
-- If at this point you still don't know how to make an asynchronous call in your favourite language, then you are still a rookie! take that from me. (Asynchronous operation is a key feature in programming that every coder should know).
-- If it's more than two conditions use "Switch... case" else stick with "If... else" (Readability should never be under-rated).
-- Code editors can MAKE YOU and BREAK YOU. They have great impact on your coding style and delivery time (Choose editors wisely).
-- Always resist the temptation of writing the whole project from scratch unless needs be (Favor patching to re-creation).
-- Helper methods reduces code redundancy by a large chunk (Always have a class in your project with helper methods).
-- There is something called git (Always make backups).
-- If you don't feel the soothing joy that comes in fixing a bug then "programming" is a no-no (Coding is fun only when it works).
-- Get angry with the bugs not the testers they're only noble messengers (Bugs are your true enemy).
-- You would learn more than a lot reading the codes of others and I mean a lot! (Code review promotes optimisation and let's you know when you are writing macaroni).
-- If you can do it without a framework you have yourself a big fat plus (Frameworks make you entirely dependent).
-- Treat your code like your pet, stop taking care of it and it dies! (Codes are fragile and needs regular updates to stay relevant).

Programming is nothing but fun and I've learnt that a long time ago.

You know that figurative bonner you have when working on new/exciting projects?

I used to be like that here...
Today I realized that I lost it a long time ago...

That sucks hard, every little script I do on the side I feel excited , every functionality I develop on the job is a fucking mirror of some other shit that no one uses on another mirror project that brings nothing new to the table.

When I implemented a new algorithm in C and beat the previous implementation of a tool by 5 seconds in speed (17s best case before) and my mentor implemented the same algorithm's pseudo code beating the previous implementation by 14s.

Have to do a jee project without any knowledge in java, in 2 weeks.

Why ? My classmates put me in a group when i wasn't here, of course they know nothing and are not going to code..
Fuckkkkkk you!

Well, any advice with jee ? Where should i start to get a good grade x)

So this one day I'm at work and the manager peaks into my office and just says "can you check that platform X is building, pretty much done just a basic bug check" (this bloke had negative 1 technical experience)

I'm not sure what he means, the whole thing is built in Java and I know nothing about that...

I log in the platform on dev server, sure enough it seems to work, charts are drawn, no errors, then I try to log out; this button does nothing...

I don't bother telling the manager, I just go to the dev who's a friend of mine and tell him about it.

A week later, manager jumps in the room all excited "we're launching this product tomorrow, mind checking again?"

Sure, I log in, ... There's no log out button, it's gone... I ask the dev.

"Yeah I fixed it, it's gone now!"

I didnt thought I have to write this down, but you people dont get standard business logic, so here advice from someone who knows that shit:
- If you wanna get paid, make your own contract and let a lawyer look over it.
- always have a lawyer on retainer and enough money for him/her.
- nothing is real without a signature.
- your clients should know that you're gonna sue them if they don't pay.
- don't go easy on anyone, here an easy way to decide if you should sue:
Didnt pay? Sue.
Breaks contract? Sue
Asks for later payment? Dont
- always code in a killswitch, trust me you're gonna need it.

My manager announced in today's team meeting that I got promoted and going to work in another department next month and no one said anything and I'm so fucking triggered. I just can't help it, I worked with most of these people for a long time, I know their best wishes mean nothing but come on, how fucking salty can you be, and why do I care so much lol.

Lets play a game of spot the bug...

Too easy you say?
What if I told you that this code was written by a well paid dev over an exceptionally large period of time?

Crazy huh, but that's still nothing. The most ludicrous thing about it - is that you (like me) probably suffer from a mild case of impostor syndrome.

I just ended that suffering. The only thing worse than impostor syndrome is believing you actually know what the fuck your doing. Keep it in check but learn to love it... it's probably the reason you could spot the bug after all.

!dev

WTF YOUTUBE, WTFFFFFFF!!!!!!

YOU PIECE OF SHIT MONEY HUNGRY SOULLESS CORPORATE CUNT OF A COMPANY.

I already hated all your shitty algorithms and your way of giving the middle finger to creators I love.

You want to be a trend following bitch and have "Stories" on users feeds, fine.

WHY THE FUCKING SON OF A CUNTIFICENT BITCH ARE YOU RECOMMENDING ME CHANNELS I KNOW NOTHING OF!!!!!!

Look at this shit... the fact that I am living in Brazil does not mean I give two fucks about youtubers here, I barely know the language.

I'M SUBSCRIBED TO 20 PEOPLE. IF THEY HAVE FUCKING STORIES, SHOW ME THEIRS. IF THEY DON'T, DON'T SHOW ME ANYTHINGGGGGGG.

If git was written in english or in ancient greek it made no difference. It's everything counter-intuitive and you have just to learn commands by heart and google the errors. Because nothing makes sense, even if you know how it works and you used it for years

Hey guys,

I think the topic of this week is very important.

Older, experienced devs are giving their skills and advices to the younger one.

Some of you maybe know it, I'm a young developer, who started his apprenticeship at september.

I'm feeling good there, the others are friendly. I learn a Lot there. I had experience before I started there. It's my Hobby to code so I started coding when I was 14.

You can't know anything, everyone makes mistakes, this is what I've learned and this is important to remember.
There are these days like today, when your Boss isn't there and you have to work alone. You have to do many things, and you are desperated because nothing Works, you can't ask anyone, you are completly alone. There are these days, when nothing seems to work. But there are also these days when everything Just Works fine and you are happy with yourself.
This is important to remember.
For me its very hard. Days like today are driving me crazy and I'm very sad, even when I know, that this is Kind of normal not to know everything and have Problems, especially when you are young as me and started your first apprenticeship 3 months ago.

Tomorrow I'm also alone, I'm a Little Bit feared of tomorrow (you say that in that Way? :P) When I think of tomorrow and that I don't know How to proceed and sitting there, I'm getting frustrated and Kind of sad. But I know that this will Make you even better some day, because you learn and gets better - day for day.

At least there was something good today. My stickers finally arrived! To Germany! That was fast! Thanks everyone, Thanks! And Thank you @dfox for building this great community!

What are you advices? And how you handle these situations? I hope tomorrow everything Works fine :/

ARRRGGHHH! When the person sitting next to you produces nothing but shit and you know it's shit but, your boss doesn't because he's never written single byte of code in his life!

The company hired a Senior Project Manager (SPM) and two months in we had the following conversation:

SPM: Hey, go talk to the project stakeholders and get the requirements for the project.

Me: Uhm, isn't the PM supposed to go and gather the requirements?

SPM: I'll go check with the stakeholders. We don't have a PM :)

Me: You are the SPM... Which is the same thing?

SPM: hmmm... I'll go ask them and get back to you.

GFG, you've been here for two months, are supposed to be a senior with many years under your belt as a PM and yet know nothing about your job. You don't even know that you're a PM.

The amount of "full stack" developers I've seen that know nothing about networking, servers or security has broken me inside over the years. Like cmon man either learn that stuff or stick to doing frontend. Don't put user's data at risk just because you wanna earn a bit more money

People who assign vague tasks to you, without any context or anything remotely resembling a brief, for a project you know almost nothing about. And then expect you to be able to magically work out what they're actually wanting. Whilst demanding ridiculous turnaround times. I mean, are you fucking serious?

You know nothing client!

Helping grandma with her computer, feeling good about myself, proud of her for learning to use a computer atage 84 !

Oh wait. You use internet explorer? You hate chrome? How can you hate chrome you know nothing about comput.....

Ah shit. Sorry grandma.. just.. use chrome

I know most consumers wont even notice but if youre going to use a game to show off your monitor, make sure you call it the right one...

Last time i check titanfall 2 looked nothing like mass effect...

Dear Coffee,
I ask for your help.
I need to pass this exam, and at the same time a client is angry.
I invoke you.
Like the function I'm in.
A function of time, a function that will probably never halt but you cannot prove it. You hope it will stop soon, but deep inside you know it will continue to compute.
I beg you, Coffee. Make this function of procrastination stop. Please.
I see no escape.
It is a tail-recursive function. You realize it as soon as you reach the end.
You can do nothing about it, you're trapped inside this loop. At each iteration you hope to reach the bottom, but you never know. You can only hope that the bottom is close.
This is the last one, you keep repeating to yourself.
Please Coffee, let it be a non-pure function.
Make the environment change.
Only then we can be saved.

I really despise solving competitive programming problems.

I truly believe it's okay to struggle with them and that people have different abilities. But these kind of problems are an easy way to make you hate yourself and think of yourself less.

I can't solve this problem --> I'm not a good programmer --> I'm not smart enough --> I'm not good enough like my peers who work at FA*G companies, ...

I know these interview problems are a filter and that recruiting is hard and the demand is always high and that they are nothing like the real work but, the reality is, you need to prepare if you want to get into one of the big companies with better perks and maybe better projects.

Man it always feels like i know nothing. Like when you don't know HTML it feels like you know nothing .
Then you learn js, backend, some database.
But you don't know react so fuck you you know nothing.

Then you learn react, but you don't know vite, next
So you know nothing.
this cycle never ends
FUCK

I know most of you know this, but after having dealt with both recruiters and real companies I can safely say that recruiters are of no practical value.

I've wasted countless months of my life interacting with recruiters and getting nothing out of them. To me it seems they're only after fluffing their client base.
The only time I got a job was through the real companies themselves.

Now I have learned the lesson: stay away from recruiters.

Anyone else gets PTSD from estimating time expenses on projects you know nothing about, no basic design, specification, or anything besides “this page of the app is called the request handler, it handles requests by other users.” Oh really? Like what kind of requests? What can they request? Who can approve those requests? Etc... Is this normal, or am I just at an unprofessional company with fully incompetent PMs?

0.1 + 0.2 === 0.3 // false
- You know nothing JS...

"You obviously nerfed something, it's broken now and it wasn't last patch!"

*git log shows nothing changed in 9 months*

When players know more about your code than your version control does...

remember that trainwreck called nikola motors? You know nothing. I _knew_ you could create a supercomputer with HTML.

[worst hypothetical dev job]

You know how theres a dedicated person in porn whos job is blowing the actors so they are hard? That, but with writing all the boilerplate code and nothing else.

You know, one of my worst fears as a programmer isn’t a bug, or shitty clients, it’s not even happening on my computer.

It’s when I can’t find a good playlist to listen to because the good ones I listen to way to much and I get sick of them so I get stuck with nothing and my Brain simply can’t function without a butt shaking toon!

Nothing makes me happier than listening to my neighbor's disgusting banda music playing as loud as it can.

No worries tho, the cops will be here in about 20 mins (it usually is 20) one would have expected that after getting the cops called on you for 3 times already you would get the message:

No homeslice. If i want to listen to that cantina piece of shit music on my fucking friday nights I will make sure to let u know :) but I actually have class so no thank you.

This is why Trump hates us (Mexicans)

5 years ago in Texas. There is shit code and then there's SHIT code. I know I can produce bad code and often do, but that codebase was an eldritch abomination.

Just to give you a tiny taste, variables in JS would usually be called "that" because "when calling them, I send the 'this' value right? So in the other function it is 'that'". I wish I was making this up. And this is nothing compared to everything else.

Fuck you Eclipse! Fuck you OSGi! It is only you that pisses me off like that! You filthy piece o' shit!

Fuck.

FYI: Please stop pretending you cannot find org.eclipse out of a sudden. I know that it's there and you know that too! Why? Because you found it like 30 minutes ago before my break and nothing changed since then!!

Son of bitch!

*me working at a huge company as a customer*
Ok, show me what you got.
* Company throws some of the most gruesome and ugly scripts at me*
HAVE YOU EVER HEARD THE WORD INIT SYSTEM? HAVE YOU EVER HEARD THE TERM PRIVILEGE SEPARATION OR BACKUP? DO YOU KNOW THAT A SVN REPO IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE 500GB BIG? AND A JENKINS JOB SHOULD NOT RUN 8HOURS!
Company: you ain't have seen nothing yet.

And they were so right...almost can't bear it anymore

I'm taking a web development course this semester. The course covers front- and backend as well as automation. I know my HTML&CSS but I know next to nothing about the rest (which is why I'm taking the course).

Could you recommend me some good web dev ressources/"absolute classics" for further reading/watching?

Mainly for freelancers: Don't be afraid to take on projects you know nothing about. You can learn whilst doing the job, plus you're getting paid for it.

Why is almost every Wordpress Theme company I know just a bunch of wrecked mushroom addict assholes! Please for gods sake just get your damn documentation right and stop sticking your heads into your colleagues asses when someone is asking for support.

The next time you receive 49 bucks for nothing you dipshit think of me how I stick my fist into your ass!

Fucking morons!

MOTHERF*CKING HELLO WORLD Tuts.

What is it with people that after what 20 years (?) still every programming language tutorial starts with a "Hello World" program?
Programmers are usually such creative people, so why does everybody who writes a tutorial start with "Hello world"?
You learn nothing by such an example, it is boring as hell already the second time (first time is funny though).
And especially: If you write a tutorial with the prerequisite that people reading it should already know another language, WHY THE HELL START OUT LIKE THAT?

Okay, now back to learning Scala 😊

Man fuuuuuuck, there's nothing more frustrating and scary than fucking up a local git repo. Because you know for a fact you won't be able to restore it

And I even had god damn backups of the .git folder. But reverting leaves me with more files than I started with fuuuck

More adventures in fixing specs.

This particular failing spec is in an included spec helper; I cannot run the spec itself because rubymine is stupid and doesn't know how. Not kidding. I also don't know the codepath it's actually testing because it's fucking convoluted, so I need (rather: want) a debugger to progress. I put breakpoints everywhere I thought it could be, and... nothing.

The stacktrace shows the calling spec in the helper module, a generic `process` method that just calls `super` (from where? who knows!), and a `wrap_every_action` in the ApplicationController. in other words: absolutely nothing helpful. I stepped through the code for most of an hour and didn't get anywhere; just saw lots of rails internals.

ugh,

I'm going to keep bashing my head against this, but what the fuck, why can't you give me something goddamn useful!?

Short angry rant
What the fuck is wrong with the SalesForce Authenticator logic?! How in the hell do you fuck up a simple 2FA system this hard?!!

Login -> Waiting for Notification... nothing... -> Reload Page -> Login -> Waiting for Notification... nothing -> Click "Use Code instead"... nothing happens... -> Reload Page -> "Login -> don't even wait for notification and just pres "Use Code instead"... nothing -> Reload Page -> Notice there's a "Use Code" button on this page as well -> Finally be able to log into the fucking Aloha piece of shit...

How TF is it, that Duo is able to send me a push notification within 1 second and it ALWAYS works... and THIS FUCKING SHIT NEVER FUCKING WORKS THE FIRST TIME AND AT WORST JUST DOESN'T WORK AT ALL!!!!!

Fucking hell.... Don't offer me a push notification service if you don't know how to make one... jesus fucking christ... All of Salesforce security is fucking stupid, but at least the others mostly work, but this retarded piece of crap is making me actively surprised when it works on first try... Maybe it's because I'm on a slow connection, but again Duo Mobile doesn't have this problem and works *instantly*... so what sort of retarded monkey coded the SF one I don't know, but I hope they are making better products now, because this is a disgrace to programming and security

I love working doing tasks like moving boxes.
Move 10 boxes from point A to point B. Simple, you know what to do. and you know when you are finished.

I Hate tasks such as: Change this Icon to other icon. (C++) Because it takes me 3 fucking hours to find in code where the fuck this happens! And every time my first instinct when I don't know something is go to the internet and search for it. But in this case I CaN't!.

Wife: asking why I'm browsing the internet looking at memes.

Because I Don't Know where the fuck I need to be to finish my task! And I am stuck in this repeating loop of searching in code, looking at memes and being ashamed of myself that I did not this fucking simple task in like 10 minutes.

And after 3 hours of doing basically NOTHING. I don't dare to ask a colleague about everything.

Please send help....

I don't care for Slack. There's nothing wrong with Slack. I just don't find a need for it when I already had email + IM. You know what I hate, though. People who show up one day and force Slack down the throat of an organization because "collaboration". Now, every day I hear "I didn't see that. Oh, you put in on Slack? Which channel?", "I put in on Slack", "I don't ever check my email, I just have Slack open", "Instead of filling up your inbox, I'm going to post this on 15 different slack channels" (which is why I have all the channels muted). All from people who can't type 10 words in a row without an emoji.

Okay after reviewing all my options. There are fucking no resources I can use to teach myself ASP.NET (Core). The official docs don’t give information as to how or why you should do something, and everything else is either not the same version or there’s differences in the versions project files such as Startup.cs just as an example. So it’s very confusing to follow along with tutorials or whatever it is because I don’t know what the differences do because backend is still really new to me. And I want to know what all is happening and why.

It’s nothing against ASP.NET, ASP.NET Core just the tutorials and resources and documentation for it. Although I’m open to recommendations.

Nothing more refreshing than seeing the code definitely do the opposite of what its line comments say it does in the first file you open to get to know the new project 😅

Hate when one of the devs get personally offended cause I log some bugs about his part of the app.. I know it is your child, nothing about you, it's a bit retarded, and doesn't do well with other kids.. :/

You know what feels good?

When you take a peek inside a class that you wrote 6 months ago that performs a vital, but complex function, that you've been using (and taking for granted) on a daily basis, and it's the first time you ever have to debug in there, and when you do, there was actually nothing you had to change and it was clear as fuck what it was doing.

That's a good feeling.

Theory is when you know everything, but nothing works.
Practice is when everything works but no one knows why.
In my project group, theory and practice are combined: nothing works and no one knows why.

Oh my gosh. Windows is...eh..

I mean, it is outdated and slow, has bugs and many other stuff, but do you know why I use it? It is widely supported.

Compare application support on Mac or Linux! It is nothing compared to Windows.

However, I will still have to deal with it for a very very long time...

I've been given an intern to help me with my work (lol it's not helping) and she knows almost nothing of web dev, not even what Nodejs is, I had to explain it and guide her step by step on how to install it on her laptop. On her CV it says she has JavaScript experience, but she cannot even put together a basic HTML page, she asked me what a div is. As far as I know, HTML, CSS and JS are pieces of the same pie and you cannot really work with JS unless you also work with HTML and CSS. I think she lied on her CV and I need to tell my manager.

My question is, is it normal to know JavaScript and not know much about HTML and CSS?

How did you guys learn coding? I wonder because I have taught everything I know myself and learn almost nothing about programming in school.

When project managers are panicking and you know you are really so close from done, a few fixes and everything will fall into place. But manager is on your neck because "nothing is working" now you must take time to be their psychologist instead of working on what is actually making them panic 🙃 development is a rough space. One bug can stand in front of working products just like that

I really wanna say, please fuck off for a few hours. Thanks bye.

You know what really grinds my gears?

Executive bathrooms. They get gold and marble and all kinds of fancy shit and the rest of us get a linoleum shit box. Who do they think they are? Are they too good to shit and piss with their developers. You know...the people who make the shit that makes them money?

Executives are just overpaid suits who do next to nothing while the rest of us carry their fat asses across the finish line and they are too good to take a shit with us common folk.

I might be able to release my first application tomorrow. At least the first version.

Nothing special, be amazed if it gets much attention.

In short;

You specify any running processes you wish to forcefully close, in my case, games.

So any time these games start running, it's force closed.

The app also monitors the active window, of it's and IDE, like Visual Studio, it will add credit towards allowing those blocked processes to run.

Currently you get 1 credit for every minute you code.

I plan to refine it some more. And yes I know there's ways around it but, it was fun to make

[LinkedIn, Recruiter InMail]

Hello,

I am Lazy As Fuck, and I'm looking for people to work for a company that pays me for doing nothing.

Do you know anyone that is an Angular developer? If you do, please tell them to send me their resume and phone number.

Thanks.

As a developer you have to learn!
Your whole fucking work life!

I totally give you credits for being a good programmer in 1990, but you have learnt NOTHING in the last fucking 30 years.

If you don't know anything about MVC....
and nothing about object oriented programming,
and nothing about all the new cool features,

SHUT THE FUCK UP!

You want to know what's probably the worse thing about working where I work?

We are working with a language that has been obsolete for over 17 years.

But because the application is so heavily integrated between all of our clients there really is nothing we can do about it.

They are trying to move to ASP.NET but it is fucking slow as fuck.

I have to support this, and I'm learning a bunch of classic ASP that might not even be useful to anyone in the current work industry... maybe...

Optimization issue pops out with one of our queries.
> Team leader: You need to do this and that, it's a thing you know NOTHING about but don't worry, the DBA already performed all the preliminary analysis, it's tested and it should work. Just change these 2 lines of code and we're good to go
> ffwd 2 days, ticket gets sent back, it's not working
> Team leader: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TEST IT YOUR CHANGE IS NOT WORKING
> IHateForALiving: try it on our production machine and you'll see the exact same error, it's been there for years
> Team leader: BUT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TEST IT

Just so we're clear, when I perform a change in the code, I test the changes I made. I don't know in which universe I should be held accountable for tards breaking features 10 years ago, but you can't seriously expect me to test the whole fucking software from scratch every time I add an index to the db.

I got enough Today so I marked my linkedin profile with “looking for new opportunities”.

It’s actually cool you can pick up to 5 job positions, location, form of employment and let know only to recruiters not all of your contacts that you are open for a new “opportunities ”.

I picked technical consultant, software architect, technical lead, lead software engineer and principal software engineer.

Time will tell if I will be able to find something better then I am dealing with right now.
Customer I am consulting for is cool but the company I work for went over the years from cool to get the fuck out right now cause we only hire managers and people without any knowledge.
It’s probably cause they hired many people from one company that was acquired, probably those who know everything about nothing.

Do you guys swear 😏, I do a lot about tech but I don't see anyone on here doing that

Nothing like shit I just shocked myself

Or mother fucking ie die in a hole

You know the usual

"Hey I know we're doing Agile but, just real fast for some paperwork, I just need a quick estimate, nothing complicated, of the LOC to convert our decades-old millions-of-LOC project from 32-bit to 64-bit, just real fast like whatever you can come up with in 30 minutes"

Holy. Shit. Tests. I am testing. All week. Nothing but tests. I am one with the spec. You know what I realised today? Tests are a bit like life. Life is just one big spec suite that takes 75 years to run. Except there's no prod environment at the end of the DMT tunnel waiting for our green pass docket to say 'take me Lucifer, you absolute visionary: I'm ready'. We're all just a spec with no application. We're doomed. Nothing matters. I need to lie down

I like to code as a hobby as well as do it as a day job so it surprises me quite alot when people get all funny about me coding outside of work/uni. It's just funny because half of these brain dead students know nothing about anything other than what they're taught in education. Most students are so fucking stupid nowadays and they don't like to read or research or learn. But I'm the anomaly. Ok guys. Well done, go get pissed; it's the best you can do with your braindead selves.

Okay, wait, is it a common practice to push changes to master that you KNOW break some other features? I always assumed that that's what branches are for and master should be the "to the best of our knowledge it should be production ready"? But apparently in this company you need to hunt for the right revision, interrogating people why suddenly nothing works on your end and half the time it's "oh, this guy has been working on something and it broke half of the stuff others have been working on and isn't covered in tests yet. Use revision 21xkcd7a"

Just realized that after 3 months of continuous samsung s9 use my phone is still as fast as it was when i got it out the box.

Man I love this stupid phone so much. Everything opens up so fast and this sob is as smooth as an iphone when it comes to the speed.

Pure goodness. Still would like to try a more pure Android environment u know? Like back when nexus was still a thing. I don't really dig the pixel phones too much but know that I am on a more open carrier and I can use phones like the one plus series I think i know what my next phone would be.

Nothing personal samsung, you have been good ans loyal, but i want to play with more phones.

I really love smartphones.

!rant

Dude, you know nothing about the code that was written. Don't just Google the problem "how to xxx in Python" and send me the first stackoverflow link and tell me "here's the solution."

fuck coworkers who will still disturbed you even you have your earphones on, just to debate you if you know the difference between a class and an object.

(also talks confidently and loud enough to attract other officemates attention.)

Turns out that this same asshole doesn't know what he is talking about. Then you proved him wrong , and in the end he will just copy what you are saying. In other words all the time wasted for nothing! fck

fuck these kind of people. my productivity suffers, also they look like fools.

fuck these assholes who are very specific in technical names and jargons but dont know how to use it. fuck you all arrogant asshole dipshit mdfckrr feeling superior and annoying

sorry peeps argghh

can someone give me a hug

- You know, I have been showed proofs that there are half days where you almost pushed anything, if nothing, you haven't been productive these days

First off, bitch, I'd like to see you try to make something useful from Drupal.
Second, apologizes but you can't commit nervous breakdowns. Can't say I haven't try.

you know, i've got 5K+ in cash savings before i would even need to dip into "long term" retirement funds

and other than the food and the drink, i don't spend anything (can scrape by on 1-2K per month)

so fuck it, i'm going to enjoy the amazing weather that is everywhere in europe right now

if companies are going to be assholes, i am too

because in the long run i know my skills and vast competances are valuable

companies can hire the cheap clueless scrub in the shortrun

but i know i'll win in the long run when they realize who they are trying to hire does not exist

what's even one year of being unemployed against a lifetime of opportunity and projects? nothing.

Who says you can't use CMD on a Windows phone?

I managed to crack the screen of my precious Lumia (yes, haters, I <3 winPhone) and now the back and home buttons don't work. Everything must happen by searching it in cortana/search.

You can imagine what going back one level in settings must be like. And every operation is like a command on a shell. No tiles, no swipes, nothing. It feels raw.

I'm using an auxiliary android (ughh) phone for now, but there's no windows phone in the market right now. And the swipe on G-board sucks.

The point of this rant is a question: does anyone know when the surface phone is releasing?

Have you ever hit a wall? Like you know what you want to do, you know how to do it but it will not work for absolutely no reason you can see? I've spent the better part of 5 hours trying to add an image upload to my node app and have nothing to show for it. I've tried multiple packages to no avail. I've deleted everything and started over so many times I've lost track. The only thing I can think of doing now is bashing my head off the keyboard and hope that spews out some magical code that will fix my problem.

Part 2 Of the StackOverFlow rant.

He still didn't accept my answer and commented something that even I don't know what the fuck he wants. Maybe you can fix your fucking grammar and it'd be easier to understand and solve your issue. 1 Hour later guess what he gets downvoted to -5, Gets his question Closed for Off-Topic and I end up being downvoted too. WTF. I answered his questions and instead, I'm getting downvoted because I answered on an "Off-Topic" Question. I seriously give up on Helping other people because no matter ho hard i try it ends up being a waste of time and you get nothing in return... Fuck the StackOverflow Community.

TLDR: dealing with other people is stressful

I hate having to explain things to people and then they still don't listen.

Especially if they know nothing about the topic.... I guess like those little kids that ask Why? all the time.

Can't you see I have other things to deal with, just do what I say because unlike you I already tried ... Or just know what I'm talking about....

Stakeholder: The orders aren’t importing from our order systems into our fundraising systems correctly. Gifts are showing last year’s codes. Do I restart the system?!

Me: Dude, I don’t know. My only responsibility here was to update the website’s config with the new codes you gave me. I did that. The correct codes for the orders are being sent to the orders system and that system is receiving the orders correctly. I know nothing about the configuration between the orders and fundraising systems.

Plus, y’all should have done testing before you ok’d my deploy. Don’t go looking to me to know someone else’s job. Y’all should have especially done testing since the person who’s the SME resigned months ago and there’s been no one to replace him yet.

!dev !rant

A couple weeks ago, my friend bought Risk of Rain 2 and got a free copy to gift to a friend, so he gave it to me. That game is so fucking addicting. I don't know the term for it, but it's one of those games where every round, you start with basically nothing, and you get items that buff you up, and so on. If you die, you have to start a new round. Then it just keeps going and going.

..That's it. I just wanted to recommend a really fun game to anyone who hasn't heard of it. For our Linux users, it runs in Proton and the first game has a native Linux port, so I believe the second one will have a port at some point (it's early access, so stuff is still being added).

My five cents. People who actually don’t _know_ anything have a tendency to speak a lot of what they have been doing and are doing and what they are going to do. That is what they do. They talk a lot and can’t wait to get into the next meeting. To talk.

I’ve been at it for 16 years and I can spot this behaviour a mile away.

It’s the silent guys and girls you want! Quiet. And competent. Because, they know they have nothing to prove.

I inherited some code today. I am in the process of reworking it to drop into my framework so I can use it with our product. I am seeing this throughout the code...

try:
\do something\
except:
pass

Ahem... HANDLE YOUR DAMN EXCEPTIONS!!! DON'T JUST PASS THEM INTO THE BLACK HOLE OF NOTHINGNESS! FFS!!! Using pass like this means "Fuck it. I don't care if this fails and I want NOTHING to tell management when it does. I want to blindly look into their frustrated eyes and say ..duhh, I don't know why it failed... Fuck troubleshooting. You know what, this job isn't meant for me anyways." My outer voice is politely saying "There is a better way to do this. Please allow me to show you." Meanwhile my inner voice is flipping tables and clubbing baby seals. /rant

as I've said in the previous rant, I know nothing about cryptography but I wanna make a tattoo and you guys have to validate how easy it is from samples.

Round 1:

EAPAToAqQMAoAoaAMEaihsIOAkrN

I know nothing about this.
Let's say your computer is on all night, and then you hit it in the morning, just re-activating all your windows... for me, it's always like a 10 minute wait until it "catches up".

I realized this morning, like, why doesn't it optimize itself while I'm away, so that when i do come back, that 10 min wait doesn't happen.

I'm sure they have thought of this, so why does it take so fucking long to wake up your computer.

!Rant

I will have you know that being part of the mobile solutions team is pretty sweet when you have nothing to do but keep a few databases clean and up to date, test which iPad is best suited for the sales people and buy 20 cases to test them for sturdiness.
Seriously without dumb idiots arguing about roaming costs and demanding help with the most basic shit this would be heaven.
I mean it's apple but still having every color of the 9.7 iPad and of the 12,9 pro stacked up on your desk is pretty cool.