Me: I need a Windows PC to test my code on.
Server dude: We don't have any free, but I can setup an old server for you.
Me: 🤔 .. I'll take it!

CEO: You need to use git.
Designer: No

CEO: You can backup stuff.
Designer: No

CEO: You don't have to save copies!
Designer: No

CEO: You will use a really cool command line!
Designer: No

CEO: It has unlimited storage
Designer: So when we start?

Client: we need you to give us access to the code ASAP. We don't like this black box approach.

Me: You have always had access to the code. It is here on this bitbucket repo and your usernames have admin access.

Client: We want the code moved to our GitHub before EOD.

I check out how to move repos over and it's fairly easy.

Me: just give me access to create a repo on your GitHub account and you can have the code moved over.

Client: Sorry it's late in the day and we stepped out to get drinks. (It was 2:30 pm). Not sure why you think there is a rush on this, we'll handle it first thing next week.

Me: WTF

Just called Asus for a problem with my router, went to send them my systemlog.txt for analysis

"Oh we don't have an email you can send that to"

Me: "(me calling bullshit) let me talk to the tech team.."

*Get transferred*

"Hello this is the supervisor"

Me: "fml"

"Ya we don't have an email you can send that to, but we can use a different departments verification services to get a file from you, has to be a picture though"

Me: "What? I got a .txt file here, I just want to get it to you, does it really have to be a picture?"

"Has to be a picture or a PDF, we can't take txt files"

Me: "fkin.. srsly? Fine"

I can't believe Asus's system srsly. I think it's for virus protection, but viruses can be embedded in both picture formats and PDF, but not in txt. So wtf is going on lol

PM: You know that screen that pops up at the start of the app asking for permission to access health data?

Me: Yeah the iOS HealthKit permission screen. What about it?

PM: Can you take that out. I don't think people are going to agree to it. I want people to use the app.

Me: Well we can't do that, apple says if we want to use HealthKit we have to ask for permission. We shouldn't be touching that data without permission anyway.

PM: Oh no permission is fine I get that, but is it not implied by downloading the app, its clearly a health app. I really don't want people to download it and then uninstall it because they don't like this.

Me: Not really, not everyone will know what data is needed, some of it might be sensitive to them.

PM: Nah I don't buy into that. I asked 5 of my friends on the golf course at the weekend and 3 of them said they wouldn't agree to it, thats 60% of our user base, we can't have that.

Me: ... ok, well I don't agree that your 5 friends is a fair sample to judge the whole world by, either way we have no choice.

Pm: No this isn't going to fly, can we not build our own HealthKit that doesn't have this kind of permission screen? Maybe we could start our own, and invite our partners to use it?

Me: ... no

Pm: why not? We'll have legal draw up something we put in the terms and conditions.

Me: ... it will take months to build for all the different types of devices we have, if they even let us get access to them, and then we will have a different standard to everyone else.

Pm: ... no your not seeing the big picture, i'll run the idea up the ladder.

**It was approved up the ladder, and subsequently cancelled when they realised the scale of the work involved which is both a "thank god" and a "wtf" moment**

Great phrase from my PM (sarcasm):
"Don't waste time with maintainable code, we have a lot of bugs to solve"

Got a great boss!!;

Me: Hey, do we have a corporate GitHub account?
Boss: *excitedly* do we need it? We'll get it!
Me: uhh, yeah, we need it 😉

Don't care he doesn't know what it is, got his trust to get all the right tools!

I'm so fucking pissed at my PM right now.

He insisted that we use a third party library that his friend wrote for simple functionality. We all disagree, because it's overcomplicated for what we need to do. PM insists that we use it anyways.

Fast forward to now. The third party code is breaking, and it's way overcomplicated, so we have no idea how to fix it. Deadlines are long gone.

We're all pissed because we don't want to deal with this bullshit code, and because basically nothing is working properly.

Had a conversation with the PM today, where he complained about our "attitude issues" and said that "clearly [the library we're using] is above your skill level".

Maybe we would have better morale if you didn't force us to use this shit code.

I am on nepal and we don't have international payment system. I have been sending email to dev writers for their book as I can't buy it from here and all of them send me their book for free. Its amazing :)

My very first meeting with a new client:

Client: We need to launch in 6 weeks. Do you think you can hit that deadline?

Me: Do you have a spec for what needs to be done?

Client: No we don't.

Me:

Friend: "Don't all computer science people learn multiple languages so they can use the right one for the job?"

My reply:
We learn multiple languages because some asshat before us had a hard-on for it and now we need to keep that shit running and we don't have time to rewrite it.

FML. An overreaching supergenius "architect" and a database team:

A: "We have decided that apps should use mysql. Install a MySQL so we match cloud"
DBA: "we don't have an image or experience with MySQL. We have mssql and Oracle "
A: "ok, use mssql in data center and mysql in production cloud"
DBA: "that's... not going to work well"
A: "just do it!"

...

Me, reading this shit, sends email: "ignoring the fact that we have more than 500 queries in this application which will need to be checked and most likely rewritten, how are we supposed to test the mysql queries without production access?"
A: "just use mssql local and MySQL in cloud"
M: "... Just to make sure I understand, you want us to write queries for mssql, test them locally, and then write separate queries, with a separate SQL connection abstraction that deploys to production? Again, how are we going to test this?"
A: "no, use same queries, should be fine"
M: "they really won't, they're different dialects"
A: "do the needful, make work!"

If karma were a thing, this person would have long since exploded into a cloud of atomized blood.

So we where given a project with a deadline already set behind our backs and we have to give our deadline despite not knowing wtf we have to do exactly ...

They asked us to don't ask too much time because the budget can't afford too much time...

I'm here thinking: WTF?!
THEY PASSED A FUCKING DEADLINE AND PRICES TO THE FUCKING CLIENT WITHOUT ASKING ANY! ANY MOTHERFUCKING DEV ABOUT IT!!!

We asked them so many fucking questions on the first meeting that they were fucking baffled about everything but kept playing cool like "well, this project is already set and we are gonna have to deal with it"

Bunch of motherfucking stupid cock suckers , go die agonizing on your own vomit and if ask my help I'm gonna answer "well, you gonna have to deal with it because you are already fucked"

Interviewer: have you ever been reported for sexual misconduct at work?
Me: uh no
Interviewer: good to hear! Our last developer had wandering hands, which we don't approve of here
Me: ...

Come on Mac... We already have industry legends like Windows updates, Gradle build etc.. you don't want to be part of that legend :(

Me, a 19 year old student at a meeting with a "potential new project" today:

Her: So, we would like a website where people could rent a conference room, and pay for it on the website. After they have paid, we want automated emails to go out to us and the person that rents the room. We basically want an automated rental system.
Me: Sounds fair, what kind of budget do you have in mind?
Her: Well because you are a student and you still live at home, we have a budget of about €200 (~$220). We thought it'd be fair because you don't really need an income yet.

At that point I slowly tried to fade away from the meeting... Please help me 😭

***Interviewing potential sys admins so us devs don't have to build everything and run everything***

Coworker: Do you know how to use cron and cron jobs?

Candidate: Yes I'm familiar with setting up users and permissions.

Me: 😳

Coworker: 😳

Boss: We will give you a call have a good day.

If you had just admitted you didn't know but we thought you could learn we might have been open to teaching you but brazenly acting like you know something when you don't is dangerous if you're running a multi thousand user production system.

"We need to get visitors age, gender and it would be nice if we could get city too.. can we pull this from the cookies so they don't have to enter the information on our site? How much info can we even pull, we need as much as we can get"

I literally kicked a wall when I received this message

and they say programmers don't have a sense of humor. the company said to buy some motivational posters for the meeting room. this is what we came up with.

Manager: Why are we missing our deadlines?

Me: Cause we don't own any of the codebase that we work on and have to literally beg to other team for code reviews and deployments, for which it takes long mail chains and meetings. An even before that we(devs) have to explain to them what/why are we doing things, because our Product managers are a bunch of NoGood AHoles. And after all that we finally do some development, in whatever measly time we have left.

Manager: I know all that, tell me why are we missing our deadlines?

Company: we care about work/life balance (as long as shit gets done)

Company: we care about mental well-being (except when shit has to be done "now!")

Company: we help each other (we push work around until someone finally do it)

Company: management is here to help you do your work (as long as you don't ask them to help you to solve a real problem)

Company: we are agile (except we have more sub-processes than ever)

Company: we only hire best (and then put them in the team of morons)

Company: we are customer centric (that's why we are delivering bugged features)

Company: we constantly rise the bar (deliver more shit in shorter time)

... did I forget about something?

-Company We need to know how our customers use our application.
-Me: got 1000 cool ideas
-Company Oh yeah, our customers don't have internet connection...

Worst part of being a dev: "we need this done by the end of the week"

Me: "ok what are the specifications?"

PMs: "not sure yet, we have a meeting with the client on Thursday."

Me: "cool, I'll look at it Monday."

Don't come to me with deadlines before you know what I'm building.

-Let's start making the game!
-Yaay
-We should focus on performance optimization!
-But we don't have anything to optimize yet..
-Performance optimization!!!

1 month later

-OK you were right, we can't focus on performance now. We need to start making this game!
-Finally!
-So we're in pre-production now, let's do some R&D!
-Awesome, I wanted to start designing our workflow for adding new content, and maybe also loca..
-NO! That's unimportant! We must do R&D!
-OK what should we Arr-and-Dee?
-Performance optimization!!!

So the tax authorities in the Netherlands have this slogan that roughly translates to:
"We can't make it fun, but we can make it easier."

I'm not sure how this is going to be easy for me. This arrived in the mail today.
Even worse this is a fuck up from them. They are saying our company did not do it's taxes but when we log in their online portal we can see that we did them. But they are saying that they don't see it in their system.

Who build that system?

Trying to stay calm when they are claiming I own them more taxes then my company has earned in a year.

I did not have enough sleep for this drama.

By the way how about we save some trees and don't send 30 letters on 1 day.

Client, two months ago: "Where is the new and complicated custom software?! We needed this a week ago!"

Also client three weeks after delivery: "We still don't have time to test the new and complicated custom software. You'll have to wait for payment a little longer."

We don't have time to understand everything, just copy and paste it in and move on.

!dev

If you comment shit like "mUsIc ToDaY iS gArBaGe" and "iM fRoM tHe WrOnG gEnErAtIoN" on YouTube, you deserve to have whatever rights you're given stripped from you.

We live in the most technically advanced time the world has ever seen. We have music available 24/7 from literally all over the world. So shut the fuck up and listen to your preference. Nobody holds a gun to your head and makes you listen to today's music. Don't like it? Don't listen.

It's not brain surgery and this doesn't make you unique or quirky as much as you want it to, nor is it a personality trait.

A real conversation I just had:

Brother: Have you heard of a game called Super Hot?
Me: Everyone has heard of that game.
Brother: Can you play it?
Me: I don't have the PC to run it.
Brother: I played it on my friend's Xbox.
Me: I don't have an Xbox.

*Pause for effect*

Brother: Can you build one?
(He's not stupid. He just likes to say things that will annoy me. We live in the same household, he would know if I have a PC or an Xbox.)

Third day at work .. finally got my laptop Yaaay!! now I can code!
Me: Can I have access to the repository?
Co-worker: we don't have one.
Me: Silent!!

"Can you do this?"
Sure, give me the information I need...

"We don't have all of it yet"
So I can't do it then

"Well when can you do it"
When you get the information

"Do you need *all* of it"
Well, it's either I do half a job and waste my time, or get it all done in one shot

"The client wants it tomorrow"
When will we have the information?
"We don't know"
Well they aren't having it tomorrow then, are they...

Sales people... don't care *how* things work, as long as they get a tick against their name to show they've sold something...

Coworkers: "Who still even uses vim? Glad we've got Visual Studio so we don't have to deal with ancient shit tools like that!"

Me: "Psh, yeah, total losers right? Haha!"

**Sheepishly returns to coding using the VsVim extension**

I received an email from marketing manager requested me to extract all the emails from the all the application and compile it into a CSV and make sure that CSV doesn't have duplicate email's. She wants to send newsletter to all those email's which we don't have permission for.

I permanently deleted that email.

People say programmers are no fun!! But they don't know the truth.

We have big Ass container of emotions almost ready to explode anytime. We are spending too much time in debugging stuff one after another that having a free time is just a hoax to us, even when we came back home for sleep, it's only to dream about solution. We would be happy with debugging the error that is not letting us sleep for weeks.

Boss: don't worry about the architecture, it's an one-off project, just make it work...

2 months later...

Boss: hey, remember that one-off project? we need to add in a few more features... Also can we reuse that code for this new one-off project we have to do for this new client?

Made the mistake of mentioning ISO27001 security standard near management.

- "What?? Why don't we have that certificate?! Why are you not thinking about this?"
- "We don't need it."
- "Of course we do! we must have the highest standards!! Lets hire some lawyers and security consultants to help us get certified!"

A week later:
"Ok, turns out we don't need it."

Satan give me strength...

My boss we don't pay you to code (yeah unfortunatly don't have a dev jobs)
My boss two day later : Hey we heard you love dev can you make an app for us

You Don't post an "X vs Y" article and conclude with "it depends, there is no winner"

We understand it your opinion so just say it, break hearts if you have to. But don't build tension and then leave the audience hanging.

Ps. This is especially for react vs angular vs vue

In this episode of "office drama", we have the head secretary asking me if I want to contribute to the gift for the baby of some guy I don't know well. (I'm new to the office btw)
When I refuse, saying that I don't know him well enough to want to contribute, she says "that's okay, but we won't be collecting for a gift for you once you have a baby. We want to be a '''team''' ".

😐

I just said "that's fair", but maaaaaaaan! Since when is it okay to demand that someone participates in a gift, while ignoring their social or financial circumstances? 😤

Update: went to her office to talk about this "being a part of the team" and clear things up. She said, and I quote "I don't have time for this". And by that, swords have been unsheathed. I guess there is no pleasing some people.

Slowly working it up now, actually.

An annually updated, unbiased, multiple source application that engineers can use to check salary offers vs their skills, to make sure they don't get shortchanged. Intended to work for the entire planet (that we have data for).

Dropbox TLS 1.0 & 1.1 is deprecated
Dev: we need to upgrade our projects
Manager: we don't have time for that. can you call to their helpdesk, so we can keep using our projects w/o upgrading?
Dev: ....
Manager: call them!
Dev: ...

Get this, at college we were told to use PHP7 for development right? All good, PHP7 is awesome and all, so we have to make a big project for college and put it on the school's server... now here's the pickle...

THEIR SERVER RUNS FUCKING PHP5.X

WTF!

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? DON'T FUCKING TELL US WE SHOULD USE PHP7 AND THEN DON'T SUPPORT PHP7 FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

Client: "We want you to build us a quick prototype / proof of concept. Don't make it too neat, we'll rebuild it before we go live."
Also client: "We already have a working version, why would we rebuild it?"

After creating a 19 page survey in 1 day deadline client says this to me:

"We have a small change in the website. We don't like the page 8 anymore. Could you please remove that and rearrange the pages after that?"

😃
😃
😃
🙂🔫

A few months back, me and my friends built our own Web Dev firm. I'm the one who talk to clients, customers, etc. and these have been the most ridiculous messages I received from them:

1. I don't like it, but I don't know why?

2. I have an idea! Can we change the design?

3. We want something with more of a `wow` factor.

4. Can't you just copy their logo?

5. But we are also a startup. You must understand that we can't pay the full price.

6. So do you have the file open and ready to edit/

7. Can't you just copy and paste it in?

8. We don't have much of a budget but there are plenty of projects coming your way.

These are just a few of the huckleberryfuck our clients sent. I'm not sure if I can handle them anymore.

CLIENT "So my nephew who does stuff with computers built it and we are ok with how it all works so don't worry about changing that. "

DEV "so like you have a public form with no input filtering, spam mitigation let alone sanitization or remote concern for security. Basically you have a Json flat file that is 34mbs of links to, viagra, replica watches, nock off name brands and one real estate company. It is getting about 15 submissions an hour. Since you don't want me changing how it works are you happy to just leave all that ?"

CLIENT "no no we don't want all that but we have no route to delete it, can you just stop all the spam and let us continue on?"

DEV "ok so back to my first question can we rebuild all of this properly, or do you really want to just leave it all"

:/ FML

Client: So we want you to redesign the frontend for this app

Me: Ok, sounds easy enough, send me the source code and API documentation

Client: yeaaaaaah, here's the thing, we don't have the frontend source code anymore, we originally wrote it in React and then we lost the source code, we only have the bundles now

Me: ok fine, I can handle it, can I have the API doc?

Client: yeaaaaaah, here's the thing, we didn't write API docs, but we have the source code if you want

Me: fml

My conversation with a recruiter today.

Recruiter: we have looked through your profile and we are very interested in your experience and projects you have been working on we are keen to process your application please send us your resume asap.

Me: sure thing * sends CV.

Recruiter: oh yeah your not what we are looking for.

Me: Oh no problem you sound like a great recruitment agency.

Recruiter: what do you mean?

Me : so you "looked at my profile" which has all the information identical to my resume for a job which requires 10 years worth of experience in a software which was only released 6 months ago. Why don't you learn to ride a bike and then in 10 years time. Ride a hover bike first time without falling off and I will assess wherever or not you have the experience on first glance. Don't waste my time again.
Mother Fuckers!

Needless to say I did not get a reply 😂

Nothing scares a developer more than a follow up question from the other person while ordering takeout, after a very precise order.
This is why we build apps, so we don't have to deal with trauma like this! xD

My bosses have estimated 5 (five!) days to start & finish a corporate website (no wordpress) for one of our clients.
However, we don't even have images and texts :)

This will be funny

Coding is slowly starting become my ticket out of the military and allowing me to make a life for my family where we don't have to move every few years.

Wordpress does not suck. If you know how to work it.

Past period I saw so many rants on WP. My rant is that it is not 100% WP fault. Yes there are seriously structural problems in WP but that does not mean you cannot create top-notch websites.

At my work we create those top-notch WP sites. Blazing fast and manageable. Seriously we got a customer request to make the site slower because it loaded pages to fast (ea; you hardly could see you switched pages).

- We ONLY use a strict set of plugins that we think are stable, useful.
- We have everything in composer (and our own Satis) for plugins.
- We use custom themes & classes. Our code is MVC with Twig.
- In our track history we have 0 hacked websites for the past 2 years.
- Everything runs stable 24/7
- We have OTAP (testing, acceptance & production environments)
- We patch really fast

These are sites going from $15k++ and we know our shit.

Don't hate on WP if you have no clue what you are doing yourself.

That is my rant.

- There are no stupid questions. Please feel free to ask.
- You don't have to memorize, but try to understand.
- Document so you never have to remember.
- Teach so you will master and never forget.
- Even if we have different responsibilities do not ping pong issues because overall the client only sees one company name so we work as one.
- Do not disturb while on vacation leave unless it's life or death.
- Relax, sleep and have a happy weekend.

A conversation that me and my boss had this week:
Boss: "Hey, why is this not progressing"
Arcsector: - "We're waiting on system users to move their destinations"
"We need the system in the database in order to move it"
- "Okay awesome - let's move it, oh wait, I can't do it because I don't have access, here's the stuff that needs to be done: a, b, and c"
"Oh I'm actually not able to help with that"
- "So then how are we supposed to get it done?"
"idk but also this other issue is something missions are complaining about"
- "oh I already am talking to them about it and it should be remedied by the team creating the problem because it's a false positive"
"Well we need to solve it still"
- "We would've solved it already but it has dependencies with other projects that we're still working on because we don't have enough people"
"We cant get you more people because we don't have the budget"
- "Then this stuff will have to wait"
"Get it done"

ACTUALLY SCREAMING! Why cant people understand that there are conesequences for their actions??!!

Hey, I had a question. How social are you all IRL?

I'll explain myself. IRL, I don't talk to anyone unless they talk to me (which I don't seek) for example. And regarding friends, I've never had more than one "buddy" each school year, unconsciously dropping them once we weren't linked by school anymore. There is only two people I have kept throughout the years and that I'd call friends, one of them is my girlfriend.

That being said, I know I'm especially asocial, but I'm curious how everyone is here :)
We often hear "Computer people don't have many friends blabla" but I'm curious about that ^^

Customer: We don't know what we want, but we want it yesterday.
Sales: No problem.
Me: WTF?
I'm not even mad or stressed anymore. You didn't ask me before, so why should I bend and break, so that you don't have to deal with staving the customer. Most of the time, he changes his requirements or is the bottleneck himself, anyway.

Some people think that in the software industry there is no communication and everyone is glued to their screens doing their work. It really fucking pisses me off.

- We write documentation around our code more than actual code so that we can communicate with other developers better.

- We use version control and pull requests to make sure our work is at the required level and it is approved.

- We invented UML to communicate our technical understanding to less technical people.

- We sometimes have more client meetings than doctors have patients. In which we have deal with clients worse than patients.

- We conduct keynotes and conferences and hackathons to bring together communities.

These are just a few things from the top of my head so next time you think of saying that the IT or software professionals don't have "much" communication you better fucking educate yourself as to what the profession actually is.

Project day 1. CTO: everything should be covered by automatic tests.

Project day 30. CTO: listen, we have lot of work in the pipeline now and we need to prioritize. Please don't spend that much time on tests.

Project day 100. CTO: why isn't everything covered by automatic tests?

Dev: I think I just deleted data I shouldn't have. Can you do a rollback?
Me: No, I'm a DBA, I don't touch data. Did you commit?
Dev: Yes, I committed.
Me: Your data is gone.
Dev: But don't you guys do backups?
Me: We backup the Prod servers. We only back up Dev on request. Did you request a backup in Dev?
Dev: No.
Me: ...
Dev: The Testers are going to be pissed.

looking at my uncle's webpage because he wants to switch hosts.
The logo has a white background, we want to change that.
Uncle: "It's not supposed to look like this"
Me: "the jpg file type is not transparent, you have to make something like a png."
U: *pulls up word* "hmm... I don't have that font on this laptop..."
M: *slowly loses sanity*

Ok, so I work at this "Great" company. I joined a new team recently with a project that is supposed to be a lot better than many of the other projects we have.

THESE MOTHEERRRRRFUCKERS don't even have hot reload on the app. You have to rebuild the app everytime you make a change. Are you kidding me?! We are using React. One of the basics of React is hot reload. I get into a fucking meeting and one of the devs is like, "I have one important thing to tell you, don't use hooks (a not so new feature in react yet something everyone should use at this point)" and the critical reason we don't use it is because they don't want to confuse the Java devs who are used to their little oop style o_O

Maaaan fuck your developers, it's not my fault you guys can't learn something so simple like functional programming. I haven't even started a sprint yet, I'll burn this app and make you rewrite it all.

recently people have been worried about what people were going to say I.e "no hate" , don't hold back!

In devrant we only mean light hearted banter if we are pissed we don't want to hurt you we are pissed at a thing and not directly at you. Not that I speak for dfox or trogus but I'm sure that's what they are going for, and it's what ive seen!

We are nice here... This isn't YouTube , it's a credit to devs we are nice people. Hell it isn't stack overflow!

Also I'm brutally honest at times but I love you really.

Had a meeting with a web development firm with 10+ developers on staff to discuss ways we could help them improve efficiency and they said "we don't have anyone who knows SQL or databases"...

How do you even find 10 developers who "don't know databases"?

| Me and my team presenting an half-assed AI project to our lecturer.
Note that the algorithm doesn't work and we have a placeholder |
Lecturer after looking only at the UI: The project looks very good, I believe we are done here.
Team member: Don't you want to check the code?
Me: *trying to choke him without anyone noticing*
Lecturer: No need.
Lives were saved that day.

Dev: The requirement is not clear. This seems to be a general usecase which you are thinking we might need but we won't actually need it.

Manager: You have to do it. This is the requirement. No other option. Don't ask any questions.

...... One week later....

Manager: Why is the team not open to me?

Survive to see the day where we don't have to optimize for IE11&Edge fuckery anymore.

As lead developer I was not allowed to implement automated testing as "we don't have time for that" - you have no idea how much time it would save!

Wow, I just realized the marketing teams of most of the companies I have been dealing with are some cold sociopaths.

Every other letter that pops in the mailbox is filled with dark patterns trying to guilt me into opting in to their continued spam:

Subject: Most awesome husky puppy!

Look at this beautiful husky puppy. Isn't it beautiful.... It would be sad if something happened to it... But I am afraid... Something will happen to it...

If you don't opt in to our email message... I am afraid we have no choice... We have to kill this puppy. End it's life... We have no choice. I wish we did! Nothing would please us more than keeping this beautiful-beautiful puppy living and playing....

But if you don't opt in... We have to cut it's throat. Leave it lying on the ground, bleeding out as the life slowly fades away from it's pretty blue eyes...

And Remember: it's not us who killed it... IT WAS YOU! YOUR ACTIONS LEAD TO THE DEATH OF THIS PUPPY! YOU.... YOU FILTHY MURDERER!

Pls opt-in ok, then we are all good. Puppy lives! Just opt in. Ok? Yeah, you know what you have to do.

Sigh. This again.

We have Windows users complaining all the time about having their settings reset for each update. Then again, I don't remember default applications on Linux not breaking as soon as you are looking the other way. Why do I have to clarify that I don't want to open text files in LTSpice, or that nobody should ever want to launch first Wine, then Chromium for every PDF file?

"We don't have time for refactoring. Business said it has to be shipped fast"

"I know that we don't exactly have the strongest reputation on privacy right now to put it lightly "
- Mark Zuckerberg @ F8

Hilarious

No, brain. I don't need to know Python.

Shut up, you already know Ruby, PHP, and a fuckton of front-end tech, you don't need to --

Do you remember the 3 projects that we aren't working on anymore because we have the PS4 and Assassin's Creed?

I already have a job, moron! It sounds fun, but we...

What am I doing on codecademy?

BA: we have 16meg download yet mine is only going at 2..
Me: sounds about right.
BA: are you an idiot?
Me: *I don't need to explain myself to scum like you*

In spanish we don't say "stop being afraid" o "have no fear" word by word through translation. We say "ya no seas panocha" which roughly translates to "find bravery within you" and I think that this is beautiful.

For people that are constantly afraid we don't call them fearful in standard translation, we refer to them as "panochon" which attempts to remind them that they are in fact brave.

Use the word my friends. No sean panocha.

defuq Apple??
I cannot submit my app and I have a very critical app.
this is shit, here we don't celebrate Christmas, so maybe apple needs to fuckin consider that !!

The year is 2020, we have:
- Self-driving cars
- graphene batteries
- graphene nanotubes to combat cardiovascular disease
- the ability to fly around the world for very little money (not taking the pandeming into account)

yet we still don't have a simple fucking way to use EXT4 drives in w10 without relying on 3rd party tools...

I'm fucking tired. We have to deliver everything quickly and perfectly to a bunch of hienas that don't care how we do our job and won't stop complaining about us to our bosses, even though we do what they ask. we're not being given the proper tools to work and other teams in the company are a pain to work with, cause they'd rather sabotage us instead of cooperate. I'm fucking sick of this job

My company don't trust the employees to the point, we have nearly meetings every 13 minutes explaining what we do.

I just wasted one week of implementing the features due to unnecessary meetings.

Me: 16? What is this magic number? Why don't you create a constant for it?

Colleague: We do like that first for now. We'll definitely come back to improve it later when we have time.

Ok so to recap, we had shit beginning. We couldn't find client like 3 months and thank god that we agreed that we don't register the firm right away. If we did we would be broke a long time ago.

We found first client and he wanted to build some scrapers with gui. So me being BackEnd developer I created API for scraping (boredom) and my friend created website for that api and I just created gui that displays that site. The project was about 1200$. And since there are 3 of us we splited it into 3x400$.

After that it was again really hard to find clients again. We thought of quitting and just going to uni or something but we really didn't want to and anyways we needed to get money for uni ourselfs if we wanted to go.

So we said that as we are not paying anything and not losing money we will continue as long as we can.

And after we managed to get a hold of it and now we have 2 clients and after we finish them we have 2 more.

So I think the most important thing is that you help your coworkers. My friend who finds clients had a rough time at the beggining as I mentioned. So all 3 of us got together and started spamming people for few weeks. That's how we found our first client.

So now we are running. Not a milion dollar company but we are happy that we are doing what we love and that we have money doing it. We aim higher but we don't want to hurry and screw things up as we are young still.

Also thank you for getting interested after 300 days :)

Me: We did [technical debt] and [next feature] is hard to implement because of it. I suggest we do [actual 5 min solution] before proceeding to implement [next feature].

Colleagues: Agreed

Team Lead: We don't have time for this I dont want to change anything because the way we did [technical debt] already works besides we can [more technical debt] code go brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Never took any degree in anything except finishing gymnasium (as we call it in Sweden). Got hired before I even had the chance to move on with studies. Although, even if I would have, I don't think it'd been computer science.

What you see:
"we gonna build a new application to replace our legacy one"

How to read:
"we gonna make you put more shit in the legacy app whenever we want and still keep asking about the new app you don't have the time to make"

We were running an obfuscator as part of our build pipeline, but also were not. I discovered we had disabled every rule, and after asking around it turns out that the obfuscator broke the app (because of reflection and things I won't go into).

So I turned it off.

An hour later the CTO came to me and said to put it back. "We have to obfuscate, put it back."

"But... it wasn't doing anything, other than slowing the build down."

"I don't care, we HAVE to run obfuscation. It's in our contract with the client."

...

suddenly our web got a lot of traffic. So, instead of increasing our server (we (think) don't have permission for that), we praying until the traffic back to normal.

10 minutes later, it does.

Too the future website developers, you guys are lucky to be developing website based on new edge (Chromium). You guys don't know what we have been through man.

Peace!

Short rant.

My company isn't doing well because of the pandemic. I and several of my well deserving colleagues have not only been put on hold for promotions we were promised, but we will be taking a pay cut department wide.

THEN we get introduced to not one, but TWO new contractors we will now be working with. Additions to my department. Because we have "headcount".

I'm absolutely livid. Someone please explain how we have the money to pay for contractors (senior level) yet we don't have the money to promote or properly pay our existing folk.?? My department is extremely domain knowledge heavy, so I see little to no value in ADDING outside folks, especially when projects are getting cut.

I think Google have to add something like developer mode to its search engine, so when we search for a technical issue we don't see totally unrelated stuff.

and because the motivation drops down dramatically when you move to the second page if Google search.

Come to the dark side, we don't have WordPress.

Product owner/Scrum master: "We don't have any time to review pull requests. We need the development time for features"

Help. I'm drowning in spaghetti code

I've been working at a working student (15 hours/ week) at a local software company for about a month now... and with everything I learned at college I'm kind of getting eye cancer here.
We still use SVN
We don't have any coding guidelines. No checkstyle, no overview over the program. When I started there I was just giving a ticket and they said good luck.
We just have some basic RCPTT Tests inside Eclipse and most of Themen don't work in the trunk because the gui got changed...
At least we have a ticket system but it doesn't get used by most of the working students.
I found 10 other bugs while reproducing and trying to fix 1 bug.
And I've never seen Java raped so badly. Today I saw a line that started with 6 brackets because whoever wrote it wanted to cast like there was no tomorrow. I see more instanceof in one day than in my whole devlife before.
The only thing we have is two normal employees that review our code before we are allowed to commit it into the trunk.
So yeah... I'm drowning in spaghetti-code.

Different perspective.

So your friend wants you to make the next big Facebook or Google because they know you can code....lots of rants like that and it gets me as well when I'm fixing printers for family and friends. Thing is these people genuinely just want to do something cool and succeed so they can have a good life. They see what we can do and wish they had the same talent. They have an idea they think will be great, they don't know what we know, and they don't know that it could be the most amazing thing ever and still never take off.

They don't realize to be Facebook or Google you have to sell out your values, morals, and soul. They just think if we can code we should be millionaires. So on that philosophy after just over a year the devRant creators should be rolling in cash right? But pretty sure I saw they are still operating at a loss.

I'd love to be able to have the time to work with each of them, teach them, and guide them through that first failure and let down of realizing that coding doesn't buy a magic ticket to a new life.

// Like anyone ever really fixes a printer //

We use scrum in our company.
And with scrum I mean we don't have a scrum master, our senior developer is the project owner, we estimate in hours and the estimate is binding, so you are not allowed to work longer on a task than the estimate.

So yeah.. "scrum"

Fucking hate when business people says this to me:
- You have no time to do this, we will find somebody else to do it. (EXCUSE ME? how do you know I have no time? If have no time I WILL TELL YOU)
- Your team is too busy, we will outsource that (IF THAT it's a priority, we WILL DO THAT, fuck you, I'll tell you if we need to outsource or not)
- Requirements are too complex to do now. We will think about it and we will tell you, maybe it's just enough to add a column to db (WHAT? WHAT THE FUCK IS too complex? I didn't even see anything we can call requirement, nor speak with relevant people, so how do you fucking know they are complex if you don't know shit about dev and our platform)

Conclusion
It's true, I have no time, because I don't fucking understand what do you want, so I'm running all day and night doing useless things.

Potential client: "We need this project done, but don't have much of a budget. But, if it's successful, could result in a lot more work."

If you want me to invest in your company, offer stock.

FFS.

Hey fuckface!
Do you know we have console.error("...") ?
You don't have to do console.log("Error 1") all the time.

I need to integrate with service A. There is an issue.

Me: Service A, we have an issue. We don't get any errors but the final entity doesn't get created
ServiceA: Ahh, I see. Since you didn't get any errors, try escalating this to Service B - we are using it and they might see what's wrong.
Ticket: *closed*

Me: Service B, we have an issue and ServiceA says I should talk to you.
ServiceB: Ahh, I see. I don't see any errors in our logs. Try escalating this to Service C
Ticket: *closed*

Me: Service C, we have an issue and Service B says I should talk to you.
ServiceC: How do you send the request to us?
Me: I don't. Service B does.
ServiceC: I see. I don't see any requests coming from them. Talk to Service B
Ticket: *closed*

Me: Service B, Service C says you don't send a request. Please have a look.
<...>

Each ticket takes 2-3 days to be noticed.

My fuse tripped there and I addressed this ping-pong situation in the mail thread with mgmt in it. ServiceA hid behind the "it's not our service, we only provide self-service tools" wall. So, again, I'm left out there to dance this corporate polka...

Working on photo contest site, no design, no specification. 2 weeks until deadline.

CEO: Deadline is one week earlier, and client wants to have video uploads and automatic facebook share too.
Me: We don't even have a contract and design to work with yet.
CEO: No worries, the contract will be signed by the time you finished the website.

Site done in 1 week, including weekend days and overtime. Production on client's server as asked by CEO.

3 weeks later...

Me: So van you pay the overtime I worked?
CEO: Sorry client not payed and says they don't like the end product. I can't afford to pay you overtime.

2 days later.
CEO: The online department is lossy so you have to work harder in the next month, we have 3 sites to be done.

Me: Do we have the contracts?
CEO: No worries...

That's what we call "conf" in school. Normally we have to lock our computer everytime we leave the table. If we don't, anybody can reach your computer and make kind little bad things to your computer :
setxkbmap ru
alias ls="reboot"
alias firefox="firefox youporn.com"
alias emacs=" ls"
Changing keyboard sensibility and many things !

You know you're talking to a sales guy:

"What's the URL for your API?"
"Um, I don't think we have one."

We actually had a small "code on paper" test (more like a recap test) yesterday, but we didn't have to write much rather than just have a basic understanding how classes and instances of those work. It was like 6 small lines of code to insert. I don't mind coding on paper as long as you don't have to write a big program with it as a 1-hour test.

!rant

Sometimes I think I am (a developer) is similar to a samurai or a yakuza. Once we get into this business, we just cannot get out of it. :?

// I am starting to get drunk. It is lucky for you guys that we have 2 hours interval. I don't expect my next post to be any good.

there has to be a special place in hell for people who don't set their mobile phones to vibration while in office.
no john, latest tv show theme song as ringtone is not going to make you cool. you are just disturbing others.

something i (we) don't have to face in remote work. multiple folks around my seat had their ringer on.

So you have an organization that flirts with scrum and wants to be agile. You have non-crossfunctional teams who don't know what agile is. You have product owner who doesn't want to do backlog, but instead acts like project manager and asks for statuses and assigns tasks to peple. He wants the teams to find out what needs to be done and fill the backlog themselves - and then raport to him. You have business owers who noone knows who they are. You have project managers, who don't fit the whole scrum hierarchy. These project managers insist calling scrum masters "team leaders". Also these project managers think scrum is silly and don't want anything to do with it. And then you have higher program management that think this whole scum thing is better than sliced bread and everything is going just dandy!

Oh yeah, also highest organization management thinks that we are on the right track. We just need be more agile but less agile and work more efficiently whitout really saying, what the hell are we supposed to do.

Basically every day is like going to the zoo. Without the fun part.

PM: I don't like the number of meetings we have
Me: Oh I agree. We have too..
PM: We don't have enough of them.
Me: (oh... I was going to say that we need to cut back... But ok)
PM: I need better visibility into what everyone is doing.
Me: (so you wanna micromanage. Got it...)
Me: ... Gotcha, yup... Writing that down.

So part of my job is to watch movies.

Unreleased movies. Premier special movies. Restricted access movies. Special screening movies.

Fun part about being in a media tech company is you get amazing perks.

One of the product verticals we have, competes with Netflix and Amazon Prime Video.

So, we have to determine which movies to license and resell on our platform.

For which we have volunteer program where they assign us movies to watch. A couple of movies everyday. Folks have to submit their feedback on certain parameters and then the team evaluates and makes the decision.

As of last few weeks, Cannes 2022 was on and we had a lot of movies lined up. Got to watch some real good ones while some were mediocre.

Surely fun, don't get paid for it. Good perks. Loving it so far.

I don't know if we can be friend...

I don't like cable art, my desk is messy(no setup), no stickers on my mac, don't care I have to use mac or pc or unix, I don't code at night.....anymore, I don't have problem with ;

But....I love coffee.

It's the time of AI, so add that mf AI to our compiler that we don't have to fix the errors anymore!😈

Going through legacy or other developers code which don't have documentation or even comments. Plus the author of the code is not working in same organisation anymore to consult. We have to understand the code like deciphering any ancient language. 😥

Just got an email from a customer who is deciding to stick with their existing eCommerce site after we built a new one.

They said they don't have time to sort out all their data for the import to the new site so are putting it on hold, possibly permanently.

They have now made the old site responsive - albeit very badly.

I just don't get it, what's wrong with people? The new one is far better.

They have paid us but just pissed off all the efforts have gone down the drain.

Tuesday**

PM: can we have this site hosted by Friday..?
Me: I'll try but I need all the information about their organization

Wednesday**

PM: *sends half of the info I need

Thursday**
PM: how far have you gone..? I want us to host tomorrow
Me: I still don't have all the information I need

Even though I have 500 reputation on StackOverflow I'm afraid to ask a question! Coz other devs can be really down right mean! No one knows everything, we are all here to learn. Some ppl don't understand that they too started like this.

I have the same problem as @linuxxx does. Buying things when I really don't need to.

I went to a mall with a friend today because his headset was literally falling apart. We both bought new headsets. Great.

Lesson learned: Don't leave your house unless necessary.

No need to think small when you have eternity to work with. Right now I am building a network operating system, something I've started around 2 years ago. I expect to have an installable and more or less usable system in maybe a few more years.

When I would have an eternity to work with, I'd first look to make our planet redundant. It's insane to imagine that we only have this blue marble to work with, while we have a fireball of hell as a neighbor in our cosmic neighborhood. What even happened there? I'd like to find out. Granted Musk is already figuring out Mars, and he has the money for it while I don't. I don't like the man all that much (too much marketing wank) but hey, at least he's got us covered there.

Maybe one day we could live forever. Maybe we could map and upload our minds. Maybe we could replace our entire body with synthetic components when the frail meat-based components inevitably fail. Perhaps it could even happen in our lifetime, at the pace technology is progressing at. If and when that happens, sign me up!

Fuck today. I don't feel like doing shit. I just wanna stay home and watch jojo all day and not have to worry about the lil bullshit we got pending.

The president and manager where I work always say: "We have to defy the status quo". But when I say "we don't need to do that in this way, we can do it this way which is more efficient". Then they say, "We can't because we have to do everything in the same way". You are just making yourself look stupid.

I hate it every single time my boss says: Don't we have a script for that?

Maybe in he imagination we have everything automated so anything I want to do I just need to press a button. And that's why he thinks me slacking?

*lunch time*
Designer: we want to put these graphs on the landing page.

Me: ok, well they are pretty simple I can recreate them in about an hour with JS, and they will look better and be inter active...

PM: we don't have time for that just use the images from the mock up

Me: ok...

*5hrs & dozens of emails later...*

PM: the graph doesn't look quite right, can we just build it in code so it looks better? Oh and we need to have it to the client to review by end of day...

Me: ...

-Im a frontend
-We don't have any back-end in our team
-Im now a front-end & backend
We need to migrate our server to AWS but we have nobody
-im now a front-end & back-end & DevOps
During de migration we need to use AWS database and create new view and manage access
-im now a front-end & back-end & DevOps & DB engineer
-We have new employee (Yess)
-im now a front-end & back-end & DevOps & DB engineer & Trainer and repository manager (PR, Manager)

Public institution... No salairy growing... Fluck this shit

!Rant

Wrote a crawler and now has 18 million records in the queue. About 500.000 files with metadata.
1 month until deadline and we have to do shit many things.

Now we discover we have a flaw in our crawler ( I don't see it as a bug ).. We don't know how much metadata we missed, but now we have to write a script that scrapes every webpage that we've already visited and get that metadata..

What's the flaw you ask? Some people find it funny to put capital letters in their attribute names.. *kuch* Microsoft.com!! *kuch*

And what didn't we do? We didn't lower case each entire webpage and then, only then, search the webpage for data..

Today we learned:

Don't run a backup integrity check on terabytes of data in multiple jobs your cpu can't handle.

And i cannot abort the process...

Guess i have to go outside, in the cold, brrrr.

In Germany we have something called "Rundfunkbeitrag" (aka GEZ-Gebühr a long time ago).

The "Rundfunkbeitrag" is something that you have to pay for even if you don't own a TV, watch TV, listen to a radio station etc and consume ARD, ZDF and Deutschlandradios' radio services and online services (as in news sections for example).

That's pure scam.

The "Rundfunkbeitrag" is basically broadcast contribution.

Is there any country that is not forcing you to pay for something you don't own and/or consume?

I, for one, don't watch TV, never consume their services and don't listen to radio. There are better alternatives.

We, as a society, will even pay for the amount of air we breathe in and out in the future. That might sound like bullshit to you, but just take a look around yourself and face the reality for once. We get scammed from all sides, don't we?

How unlikely can that be to happen in the future?

We literally get gang banged with "GDPR", "Imprint", "Rundfunkbeitrag", "Media lies (rather subjective)" and other things in Germany.

---

Again, if there are better alternatives let me know.

Don't know why we need to have a 15 minute standup each day, and then repeat what was said in a OneNote update which gets sent to management anyway and takes 2 minutes to update. I get so bored, don't care about the other people's stuff, because it has nothing to do with my work, and their work doesn't affect mine. And they don't care about mine either, we work on totally different products lol.

Some people enjoy talking, I suppose...

We often rant about people who think that because we can program we can do everything with computers.

But I have to admit that when I get asked what I do I often only say that I program or do something with computers. I usually don't get more specific because it's so hard to explain to someone who doesn't know anything about the subject that I would have to explain the basics each time. And I'm just to lazy for that.
It's nice when people ask me how it is going at work but I probably won't say anything more than ok or fine because my day was fucked up by a memory alignment bug in the chainloader and I now don't have the patience to explain what these both things are and why they fuck up my day.

Calling All Developers!

This is very very random, but I am taking an IT Careers class for my software Development degree. As my last assignment, I need to interview a software developer. I don't know any personally and we were told we can reach out to people online who have had lots of experience. I don't know if this is too weird, but I need an interviewee just to answer about 20 questions. I'm so stuck and don't know where to go!

F**k the education system. We have a project for each programming subject to which I am committed. Adding upon that, a startup company shows up from nowhere, with their mainstream project which is to be completed by students and in return we get a useless certificate for completing their modules. And the worst part is that they have kept it compulsory.
I don't know who is going to benefit more, the college, the students or the company.

Me(handling 3 simultaneous apps): we have too many projects need another dev to share the load

Boss: don't worry...

Proceeds to hire one more Dev and take 3 more projects on :/

Logic!=present.

If you have daily stand ups, don't let participants choose who speaks - we seem to spend 5 minutes of the 15 with people saying "no you go first".

This pisses me off soooo fucking much.
"We're sowwy but we'll have to ask you to turn off your pretty little adblocker! We can't keep making money off of you by showing you stuff you don't want to see if you don't turn off your adblocker! But it's okay, who doesn't use an adblocker? Just turn it off for our site pleeeease"

Quit it with the quasi-friendly bullshit. If it's okay, why don't you fuck off and let me block whatever I want to block? It's ridiculous how many hoops I have to jump through just so I don't have to see ads on the internet. Even pi-hole doesn't help with this anymore. Now I need an Ad Blocker Blocker Blocker just so I don't have to wade through heaps of obnoxious ads every time I visit a page. It's so goddamn stupid.

Can we please get a feature where we don't have to see the same rant/post/joke/anything every single time we open the app. I mean exclude posts that the user has already seen.

We have gotten an email saying we need to use our Teams channel to place our food orders less. A random colleague then goes to the local supermarket and buys the food orders. This group chat has around 15 people that often need something from there. If you don't need it, you ignore the channel.

So we need to use it less. So we follow the orders and now we privately message everyone for their orders. Talk about a real "time gain" :D

WhaT DO you DO oUTsiDE oF wORK? tell ME SOmETHiNg INtereStInG, PreFerABLY noT RelaTED To yOUR joB Or iNdUStry.

You think I have "time" outside of work? I fucking huff copium like every other fucking wageslave, and we ain't fucking friends so I'm not going to divulge the exact types and flavors of choice for me to be judged.

I don't have the time, money or energy to fucking have some respectable instagrammable hobbies for your stupid like about wanting well rounded people.

We both know all you need from me is to not be an asshole.

At a certain point it feels like the industry is going to compete with girls for shit-testing people except we have whiteboarding leetcode as well.

"Can we do X?"
Yes, we can do almost anything you want.
"Can we have it ready by last month?"
No.
"What about 2 weeks ago?"
Not feasible.
"Yesterday?"
Sorry I don't think we can.

For real though, how do you deal with unrealistic delivery expectations? I'm not sure if I'm supposed to keep saying no to everything, or if they keep asking in hopes that maybe this time it'll be ok.

I have a question for all you Linux pros:

My son's PC runs on Linux Mint. We wants to switch to the Pantheon desktop so we installed it (I think). I can't work out how to actually switch to it, though.

We don't have an option when we log out.

On a related note, we switched to Linux from Ubuntu because his old machine couldn't handle Ubuntu's resource requirements. I'm curious whether vanilla Debian would perform better?

(No, I probably won't switch to Arch, that's a little too much for my limited Linux capabilities).

Why is every innovation trying to go towards "replacing programmers"? like, what have we done to you?

GitHub CoPilot will replace programmers!
AI will replace programmers!
This/That tech will replace programmers!

Nobody says,

"Programmers work remote so we don't need to hire managers anymore!"

"Programmers wrote a monitoring script for progress tracking, so no need for managers anymore!"

"We are asking people to install sprinklers everywhere so we don't need firefighters!"

"We can just have one teacher record the subject material once and re-use the same video every year, so now we don't need to hire teachers anymore!"

"We are making everything legal so we don't need to hire policemen!".

Why is everything trying to replace programmers?

Omg lol.

Me: so should we track changes to the data, so we have a history?

Client text: i don't think a history needed.

Client text 30s later: certain changes should have history.

So am i right to anticipate that after this is implemented he will say

Where are the other changes?

We have technology to find a black hole 750 trillion light years away from us in another universe

But we don't have technology to locate a missing submarine on the same planet we live on?

Teacher : You don't have to enter quotation marks: it makes the website crash, I don't know why. We will add a message to warn you.

Me : Can i play with it ? :)

Dear recruiters
Please have the courtesy to reply whether my resume is shortlisted or not, I don't want your personally crafted rejection mails, an automatic rejection mail will save a lot of job hunters a lot of time. we have other things to focus on than waiting for your mails.

!Dev

I dislike the idea of therapists. I mean, not the people who study human behaviour to help understand it but the people who try to "fix" another person's problems.

My reason for this is that they're human themselves and I'd say it's pretty obvious that we don't know exactly how the mind works so it's basically like trying to fix an airplane with only half or even less of the blueprints.

The reason I don't like them being human themselves is because we are fallible, you can't guarantee or at least have a extremely high probability of the same prevention or treatment rate as you maybe could with a computer. It's not repeatable. Then again, we don't have the "blueprints" so to speak so it's kind of hard to say.

Your thoughts?

Seeing some jokes about AI and deterministic if/else sort of logic... in a really sleep deprived state I start to wonder - if we are able to make AI that REALLY begins to pass as intelligent / self aware / sentient and imitates us.... and it spawns from deterministic lower level logic that has just grown from an uncontrollably large amount of inputs and complications... will we just end up convincing ourselves that we don't actually have free will either? Maybe we just have an amazing natural data lake. :-/

Having a possible new client come in our office and they wanted to see our system. I ask the sales guy what he thin kthey wanted to see.

Day before:
Sales: They do a lot of projects, so if we could show them our rollout system that would be great.
Me: We don't have one....

Needless to say I was up all night and it still turned out as an amazing feature that we use to this day.

Work in the morning and here we are devRant, we have to quit doing this to ourselves. We need to take a break. I'm sorry, but you have consumed my life. The chuckles, feed refreshes, and +1s will be but treasured moments I have with you. Wait.. Who am I kidding? I need you! Don't leave, I'll stay with you forever.

I work for a big bank. I'm going to say pretty much the entire Support team is incompetent.

Oh something went wrong? Escalate to devs... cuz we have no idea wtf to do and don't have the most basic technical problem solving skills...

Bunch of useless monkeys... btw guess what time it is now? And what I'm doing?

System Programmer Saga

I'm an old phone operating system programmer. We had to flash ROMs every time. You Android kids don't know how good you have it. Get off my lawn!

Oh yeah 🙌🏼 So here is the other thing! Many of us work on side projects where we build awesome stuff in our spare time. We don't get much publicity, userbase or conversions as we are not marketing people. So go ahead and write short desc about your product along with website link if you have any. Product screenshot is most welcome 😜 Don't forget to tag post with "mystartup" 🙌🏼 Looking forward to see awesome projects.

Look, normally I don't give a shit how others code, but when the company's style guide is literally just the statement "use eslint", and I have to do code reviews...we will start to have problems.

A Client's hotshot webmaster just asked us to provide a JavaScript 301 redirect script for a CMS we don't own/have admin access at all.

"Must be 301 style for SEO benefits... "

So, hows your day going? 🤣🤣

At work we get points each month if we don't miss work for the entire month. I have enough points to get a Canon EOS eSLR, or a new mobo-cpu-mem combo. I hate having to make desicions and choices.

I saw a lot of project ideas relate to music. But we don't listen music nowadays. Our phone doesn't even have a headphone jack.🙄

senior: we have no reason to change/mutate this property, we don't need a setter method, just set it once in the constructor

also senior: there's no reason to change/mutate this value, but i want you to write a setter method for it

Today I found out we have 5 different Customer databases, one for each product area. We don't have access to more than 2 of them, while corp. it central has full access, but we have to beg and pay to see our own customers....
Now i'm tasked with integrating all these into a Customer db. and the way i get access is cobolt made, fixed length csv files and it's different for each db.
FML

Asked a provider for an endpoint that returns customer usage

Provider sends back an endpoint that takes 1 minute to return one days worth of data for 1 customer and asks we limit concurrency to 3... we have 3000+ customers with them

(1 minute * 3000 customers) / 3 = 16 hours to pull yesterday's numbers

Hope we don't get behind

Talking about PM, I'm still not sure whether we have one in our company. The project is managed directly by a senior engineer.

If we have any question about the doc, UI/UX team sits just next to us. We even have conversations on how to proceed the project to make us more comfortable.

I don't know aboit the others. But for me, this is sweet.

I work on a team project for a test and maintenance course in University. We agreed as a team to adopt a git infrastructure that would prioritize the stability of the master branch at all cost by only updating commits up to the next stable point and tagging every single release. We have a long polling development branch to prepare our releases and we create feature branches for the tickets we need to resolve. I even wrote documentation to make sure that we don't forget and protected the master branch on gitlab from direct modifications.

Can someone fucking tell me how one of my teammates managed to fuck over all of this and work on an unfinished feature straight on master?

N.b. I know that he probably edited straight from gitlab's online text editor because they have a big where they don't restrict modifications on protected branches.

its absolutely insane to me how many orgs out there have a "oh we don't know what that does, but don't touch it" peice of software

Why apply to interviews if you don't wanna show up? I start feeling stupid because I showed up on time for your interview.

Please, please people; don't apply if you're not going to come; we have other things to do too...

Dang. postman is forcing me to make an account.

Is this the age where we have to make everything ourselves if we don't want to store our information on the internet?

"I don't think we should be playing with our privates {variables} like that" - framework designer

= context =
It was noticed that we have too many setter functions to change private variables just to do unit tests. So we had a small meeting to discuss what to do about this.
Options:
- don't do the test
- ignore till another time (ie: keep the functions till its a problem)
- put the variables into a provider
- use reflection (the above quote was a reaction to this option)

One of my colleagues who thinks he knows all about "big data": "I try to put everything in hadoop, that is my philosophy".

We don't even have a hadoop cluster.

Doctor: "I have some news about your baby."
Parents: "Don't tell us the gender, we want to keep it a surprise."
Doctor: "Oh I get it, you're those type of people. Okay, well IT is not breathing."

RANT: So in school, we have to program using some kind of pseudocode.
Today we wrote an algorithm from a previous exam. Apparently, they don't give you a mark if you get the Array.length(). To receive the mark you have to have to use a variable.
WHICH MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE TO ME.
My teacher said it would even be ok to define a variable like Variable = Array.length. THAT MAKES EVEN LESS SENSE

LIRR system rant 2 - there is a thing called a sensor. Can you please paste them on your trains so we know on a real-time map where the train is. If it's 8 miles away when supposedly 'on time' we don't have to freeze on the platform. It's 2016 not 2007.

"Ok guys, since we don't have money left and I have no funds to pay the bills, Let's just do a "work from home" policy"

What the fuck

So this happened some years ago:

The phone rings and as soon as I pick it up some fast talking sales rep begins his spiel.

"Good afternoon my name is [don't remember, calling him 'jigglybum'] and we have a device that you plug into your phone line and it will allow you to make free international calls over the internet. It's real easy to set up and you can have it on us for the first three months absolutely free, if you could just confirm your address..."

"Don't want it."

"I'm sorry sir but I think you're throwing away a massive opportunity here we're offering you free international calls."

"No you're not. You're offering me a free trial of some sort of VoIP hardware."

"We yes, but it's free for the first three months and..."

"We also don't make international calls."

"That maybe true sir but with this box you could."

"I'm really not interested in your product."

"I don't think you fully understand all the benefits..."

*there's a clicking noise followed by a dial tone for a second and a new voice*

"Hi, I'm the supervisor for 'jigglybum' and I think perhaps he is having difficulty explaining what it is that we are trying to give you here..."

"Listen to me, from what I have understood you are offering to send us a VOIP hardware device that directly connects to our broadband and facilitates international calls, and presumably any calls for that matter on a three month trial which after will presumably have a subscription fee, have I had any difficulty understanding the nature of the device and terms of use?"

"Well, no sir, that's a very accurate description, so if you could just confirm your address for me..."

"NO! As you have just admitted there was no misunderstanding about what your product is or what it does. There seems to be a real misunderstanding on your part on the concept of 'no'. We don't want this product, we don't need the product and if we want to make VOIP calls, we have Skype!"

"Ok sir, goodbye."

This is, to my knowledge the only and only time that a supervisor in a call centre has wanted to talk to ME.

The meeting I will go in few minutes. Our app went in production 2 weeks ago, the managers invite us (devs) to have a drink with 'important' people I don't even know. We will celebrate the success of the project, after 6 months of pressure with everyone telling we will fail and that we are losers. Hypocrite meeting.

Moved from A 10-day sprint to a 10-hour sprint.

Thank god we don't have hourly stand-ups.

We are working with Windows server on our Application software class. This is the saddest moment in past few months. I proudly switched to a Linux and now I need to install this shitdows (only on KVM but still) ... Luckily we have sane teacher and we have to use shitdows just because he wants to teach us why we don't want to use WS 😂

Do we have, as developers, some social networks, that could help us to find a companions for developing apps. I don't mean such things like GitHub, where we operate with Open Source software. But, for example, I have an idea, but I'm alone and need more developers to implement this idea. So I need to find those guys who wouldbe ready to join me. Do we have such a communities? Don't you know?

Boss: I don't want centralized error logging

Me: But we have 50+ client sites running the same web app, why the fuck wouldn't we?

Boss: What if the database is offline, then we wouldn't be able to log exceptions

Me: *beats head against desk*

I have a mantra: don't get too attached to the shit you build

That mantra is about to be thoroughly tested - we might be just about to trash one year worth of work coz the 3rd party we were working with doesn't look like they'll be able handle our load

I don't get publicity hungry personalities on Medium. Their usual headlines :

"Why we left `${ insert framework}`. There's nothing wrong with it though."

Either have the balls to say you didn't do your homework when you started, or hold your peace.

Don't screw the hardworking folks whose code you depended on before bailing out.

Client had this 'good' idea in his web app for a local 'image viewer'. One of his clients doesn't want anything in the cloud so he said: why don't we just make a browse button, that way they can view their files but don't have to upload anything!

User: Hey, guys. I'm uploading those docs you requested to your website, but I noticed that my connection to your site is not private.

Company: Thank you for your question. Please, don't worry, we have a privacy policy on our website.

User: ...

Anyone else here getting annoyed of those people on forums that always have to start a "forum game"? We don't browse forums because we would like to play a game. At least I don't.

Thanks

Fuck reuse, we should all take our repeatable code and manually repeat it everywhere it's needed so when we have to make a change we have to make sure we remember to change it in all the places and take hours to do a one line change.

...Also...fuck source control...

And they say I don't have fucks to give.

Take a day off, entire system goes down. Come in the next day: "We need to fix this".

12 hours later we get the system back up and a significant design flaw is now known which needs to be fixed on Monday.

It feels good to have the bandaid in place.

Don't use cursors kids, unless you absolutely have to.

I feel like premium content should be available via paid (ad-free), free (ads), or through web user small scale crypto mining, at the users discretion obviously.

I don't get why we have to have these ad blockers and ad creators trying to one up each other. The *option* for low-performance crypto mining while on the page would be cool to have as a choice.

We heard you like security so we put antivirals in your docker containers despite the fact that we made you have antivirals on your machines running the docker containers.
And we won't allow to use root just in case you want to disable the av. And we don't care you need it for the docker 😂

This is how I was played when wanted to use docker containers to avoid dealing with OPS.

Some time passes, my team is going to have independent cloud infrastructure.
Doing corporate politics is challenging...

Note: this is a joke, it's not code related.

Someone goes to a restaurant, and he asks what they got, and the reply to him: "we have a crochet leg, a chopped liver and ligaments"

He says back: "don't tell me about your problems" XD

Working with government contracts...

Them: We want an agile environment!
What they mean: Waterfall with bits and pieces of agile.

Them: We want to modernize our code!
What they mean: Oh, that is open source code from Russia or a country we don't like? No, even though it is a norm and a very powerful tool, we can't have communism here.

Them: We have a new task order for you.
What they mean: We won't approve you the money till you have a month left of the task order.

I have never made a friend due to code. I have plenty of friends who code and shared CS classes within uni, but we met in other ways due to other interests. I don't think I am capable of being friends with the kind if people you would "meet through coding".

Next time when you are building a website make sure you add some polyfill for the dinosaur people

# We don't officially support any browser that doesn't have
# requestAnimationFrame. But... we had one very nice person
# write in who was using Opera for Linux (latest version was
# released in 2011, what). It doesn't hurt us to polyfill
# here, and if we don't then dinosaur people will just see
# a big blank Trello.